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i am my own surgeon,

i promise to do nothing but harm

blades unsterilized

hands shaking

craving for that first cut

and the at the end of it all

i hope for a flatline

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i am a kettle made of glass—

full of steaming pressure

of anger

and abomination

hear me whistle

softly at first

dont make me look at my fragility

dont tell me im stupid for trying

to hold scorching hot burden

when i know my skin is nothing like steel

i know.

the heat is rising

s l o w l y

THENALLATONCE!

hear me whistle

with rising voice

this is nothing. i’ve overcame worst.

this is nothing. nothing i can’t stomach

though my insides are churning

and boiling and about to burst.

this. is. nothing.

And you were there standing.

Finally.

hear me whistle SCREAM!

at the top of my lungs!

I waited for you my dear!

I can now be set free!

I can finally,

finally, let go.

and i feel myself cracking

s l o w l y

THENALLATONCE!

ah, the most awaited breath of air

And so I looked at you.

not waiting for you to fix me.

not waiting for you to even pick me up.

just resting in the peace that you will see

at the pieces that are broken

maybe feel the heat that was

brewing inside me for so long

at least emerge in the torment

of pain covered in hatred

Then there you went and stepped on every crystal shards that was left of me, and you went.

if that kind of mess is worth stepping on at; and

if that kind of mess is worth stepping out on

then thank goodness, that’s all i let you see.

(come, another kettle made of glass is brewing something again. don’t worry, i’m double-walled now. i won’t break.)

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Izabela.

If only I could use these knives I carve my skin with, to cut you off from all the things that hurt you;

and if only I could use these walls I built around myself, to protect you from all the lies;

and if only I could use my battered body, to shield you from the world;

I will not think twice.

There will be nothing else I would look at but your teary eyes.

As I whisper, "My dear, if this would be my final reminder to you, then never dare forget it; You are worth every love there is in this world."

Then I will rest peacefully, knowing that the skies are watching.

And that they will embrace you once I cannot anymore.

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̶M̶o̶m̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶W̶e̶a̶k̶n̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶ // Absolute Destruction

I see you. You who have hurt me. You who have stained my lips. You who have caged me in you arms. I see you. but not with anger, not with contempt. I see you with grace, but also, hurt. I see you with compassion, but also, disappointment.

I hear you. You who have broken your promise not to do harm. You who showered me with adornment, yet handed me disrespect.

I hear you. and your reasons, your apologies, your regrets. So hear me, too.

Hear me when I say, I still believe in you and your ability to transform the destructive storms you made into rain that gives life to shrivelled land.

Hear me when I say, You will eventually be forgiven, but only if you have accepted that even a person as good as you, can become a monster for a night.

(And you can never tame a beast by fighting it. The only possible way, really, is to Embrace it. Hush it down. Let it wail. Then show the beauty it can still transform to.)

I see you, and I hear you— and though others may not, find comfort in knowing that your goodness can be seen even under all the murky, bleak, ugliness.

This is not absolution. No.

You are far from free. But you are given a chance to turn things around. Use it.

And I hope you remember this: It may be a moment of weakness for you, a moment to regret, a moment you may even want to forget. DON'T. Linger in that agony a little while more. Try to fathom that the pain you caused, has gravity much stronger than that.

For what was a moment of weakness for you, was nothing less than an absolute destruction of my heart. my trust. my very soul.

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Tonight, My Pen Bleeds Red.

Papers are for yesterday's time, and I am tomorrow's scribe. My body is my diary; every limb longing for company. Bones screaming pain. My pillows, again are stained. My poems are etched in my skin. --but would you still read them, if they're dripping in red ink?

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12.07.21 || 1:18am

I haven't written in a while. After yet another failed attempt to end my life, I have tried to be what I am best at– being numb. I try to push aside all chaotic thoughts. I bandage myself with all the love I can get from my mother and a lover. Yet I am nothing but a fool trying to make a sand castle at the very shore of the sea, believing it will stand strong against the rushing waves.

I am at a tightrope, making tricks for laughs; tumbling and dancing. Everyone's in it for the show. They are nervous about me falling, but deep down they know I'll eventually cross over and get to the other side– the better side of life. As if it's a given. As if they are sure I can do it. They do not know the truth. They do not know that I am tired this act. I am tired of this fake confidence that I'll make it to the end.

All I want to do now is let go, free myself, fall.

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Sleeping Knight

The darkness, it hovers sniffing my hair for all the happiness that's left. Lingering on my skin. Crawling through my neck.

And you, my love... You are my guard; my knight in shining armor if you will. You hush away the demons, You kiss away the evil thoughts.

But as you sleep, as you close your eyes... They wake up. They start to build their army finally they close in smirking, grinning, hands ready for slaughter. Tonight, I am their victim. And my only defense is sound asleep.

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Quicksand.

I wish grief came in waves, by then I'll be seeing it from far away before it hits. I'd be ready to hold my breath and close my eyes. It will still drown me, yes. But then, I'd be ready. I wish grief came in armed warriors, by then I'll be hearing their march far before they come. I'd be able to armor up and face them heads on. I'll still be outnumbered, yes. But then, I'd be ready. But it came in a quicksand— pretending to be solid ground. As I slip and I sink into the memories of the past it takes a grip on me and drags me down into this pit of anger and sorrow. No, I wasn't ready.

Not again. Not this time. I can't drown now. I can't—

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Home To Be.

It's been a while, love. I've been wanting to ask, did you miss me like I've missed you? For I remember the laughters and the chuckles, and the cries and the struggles, we've been through. And I remember the long late nights and the restless days, and the high that they come with.

And I remember the parts of you who left, and the parts of you who stayed, and the parts that I haven't met.

Oh, I remember how you felt like hope and a certain calm like blue and a refreshing nudge like green

It's been a while, love. I've been wanting to say, I'm sorry for leaving and going away. I just wish that in the years I was with you, I have loved you enough. (And the years I have served you, I have served you enough.)

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The Cycle.

Love is always like this, isn't it? It starts with promises rolling out in tongues that kiss. but does it always have to end in broken oaths and lips that lie?

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Mr. Little Too Perfect

When I said yes, I expected your best. But darling, this is more than what I asked for.

You didn't tell me you'd drown me in your eyes as you stare at mine, piercing me with love.

You didn't tell me reassurance was the language you speak, and that you have a way to hush down demons in my head.

You didn't tell me you were willing to be vulnerable soft, unguarded, defenseless, in the name of letting me in

You didn't tell me your consistency is without flaw. That at morning you wake me up with your voice, and at night you let me sleep with your song.

You are Mr. Little Too Perfect, and here I am wishing this will last.

But this is what I'll tell you, the moment your eyes tire, I'll be the one kissing them shut saying it's okay to rest.

This is what I'll tell you, when words fail you, I'll sit with you in silence as I whisper our never-ending promise

This is what I'll tell you, when you harden your shell and walk away, space is what I'll give, but forever, I'll still stay.

This is what I'll tell you, when everything comes tumbling down, One thing will remain the same, and that is my love for you.

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Don’t

Don’t. Don’t hold me close if it means Holding me down From things I want.

Don’t. Don’t sing me songs If you’ll use the same voice To shut me up

You don’t get to say you want what’s best Then push me to guilt To get what you want.

You don’t get to Use your hands to love me And restrict me at the same time. Use your voice to soothe me And scare me too,

Don’t. Don’t confuse me. Let it only be used for one or the other

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Numb.

Once, love flowed through me like the wind guiding the waves. But now I can’t feel a thing and all I am is numb. Once, I let things out through tears like a baby waiting to be cradled. But now I can’t feel a thing and all I am is numb. And I compensate with vodka and some punches on the wall. But still, I can’t feel a thing and all I am is numb.

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You and your ashtray.

You wake up naked with an unknown face. Recollection’s blurred and hazy; head’s pounding and heart’s empty.

You light up a cigarette, curse under your breath. Another used up body, another regret.

Oh, to feel nothing while doing one of the most magical things in the world.

To feel numb, while feeling up someone else’s skin. Let me hold you now, dear. Let their memories fade like the smoke you exhale. Let me kiss all their marks away. Let’s make you a clean slate. You won’t need your ashtray no more.

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Oh, your eyes. Your goddamn eyes.

It’s that spark in your eyes that remind me of stars --the whole universe. The vast wide galaxy, perfectly orchestrated by the gods.

It’s that gleam in your eyes that remind me of the sea --the freaking ocean. That deep look, reflecting waves and waves of longing. It’s that flash in your eyes. that remind me of the sky -- the very heavens. Reminds me of how you are my angel; my Godsent.

Oh, your eyes. It brings me to another planet, It drowns me with love, It flies me way above And I never wanna come down.

Your goddamn eyes. I could stare at them every second of every day. And I don’t mind getting lost  in their eternities.

Love, please tell me they only shine for me.