ryhannotes-blog

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Bibliography:

Psychology, Practical. “Daddy Issues Explained - Freud’s PsychoSexual Developmental Stages.” YouTube, YouTube, 28 Nov. 2017, www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VAo-FQTB8E.

Troy, Perspectives Of. “Father Complex: The Psychology behind ‘Daddy Issues’.” Perspectives Counseling Centers, 20 Sept. 2018, perspectivesoftroy.com/father-complex/.

Lemoine, Alexa. “What Does Daddy Issues Mean?” Dictionary.com, Dictionary.com, 21 Aug. 2018, www.dictionary.com/e/slang/daddy-issues/.

Beyond. “10 Things Nobody Tells You About Losing a Parent.” Beyond, 31 Jan. 2019, beyond.life/blog/10-things-nobody-tells-losing-parent/.

Gunner, Stephanie. “Home.” Home, childrengrieve.org/find-support.

Schonfeld, David J. “After a Loved One Dies— How Children Grieve And How Parents and Other Adults Can Support Them.” Aap.org, www.aap.org/en-us/advocacy-and-policy/aap-health-initiatives/Children-and-Disasters/Documents/After-a-Loved-One-Dies-English.pdf.

UK, Child Bereavement. “When a Parent Has Died : Young People Share Their Experiences.” YouTube, YouTube, 21 Nov. 2017, www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-qFkRaPRYY.

Zaslow, Jeffry. “Families With A Missing Piece.” Hello Grief, www.hellogrief.org/families-with-a-missing-piece/.

Townsend, Virgie. “How the Death of a Parent Affects a Child.” Tonic, VICE, 23 Apr. 2018, tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/a3y9g4/how-the-death-of-a-parent-affects-a-child.

Krisch , Joshua. “Losing a Parent Changes Us Forever. There’s Proof.” Fatherly, 8 Feb. 2019, www.fatherly.com/health-science/parent-death-psychological-physical-effects/.

Vallin, Pedro. “Pablo Bustinduy (Unidos Podemos).” YouTube, YouTube, 27 Feb. 2019, youtube.com/watch?v=RrLziRZfLy0.

Zeller, Keenan. 2019.

Ruiz, Rebecca. “Grieving on Social Media Has Changed the Way We Mourn.” Mashable, Mashable, 20 Aug. 2016, mashable.com/2016/08/20/mourning-on-twitter/.

Barrett, Gena-mour. “7 Things No One Tells You About Losing A Parent As A Child.” BuzzFeed, BuzzFeed, 16 Mar. 2016, www.buzzfeed.com/genamourbarrett/things-no-one-tells-you-about-losing-a-parent-as-a-child.

Kennedy , Julie. 2019.

“How Does Early Parental Death Affect Adult Relationships?” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/201802/how-does-early-parental-death-affect-adult-relationships.

Hanley , Kim. 2019.

Hanley, Wilder. 2019.

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Query Letter

My blog reflects on people who have lost their mothers or fathers at a young age.  My angle for the this blog was to interview people who have been in this position, examine bereavement organizations, show scientific examples, and share other social platforms where  people are sharing their stories.

Most  of my interviews that I conducted were with people I knew or with family members that were apart of my experience. I wanted this blog to be my story and what it was like for me to lose my dad a week before my sixth birthday. I wanted to connect my story to the story of others and compare and contrast how it affected their adult lives.

I wanted to further investigate if there were any popular programs in the United States for bereaved children and what initiatives were being done to help these children and widowed parents in need. To no surprise, there were very few organizations that were helping this cause. I included a few sites and facebook groups on my blog but other than that I couldn’t find that many. This is why my blog would be a great place to look for programs in specific areas or make a plan to make these programs happen in these areas. Ofcourse, this would be when or if the blog grew and more people knew about this blog to have the potential to create these great programs.

I wanted to give a bit of personal examples by sharing very personal accounts of what happened in my circumstance. My first personal essay explored the memory of my father’s death and the experiences and emotions I was feeling at that age. I then talked about the process of healing and the importance of human relationships. I wanted to share an even more  personal story about the anniversary  of my  father’s death which was two days ago. It was a reflection of my feelings and the month of May and what it means to me.

My interviews were very personal as well because it was with people I knew, including members of my family, like my brother and mother who were directly affected by my father’s death. I asked them questions about what they would think of a blog like this, what it was like growing up without a mother or father, and what it was like raising children as a widow.  

I wanted to do some research from a scientific standpoint to further examine how the effects of losing a parent at a young age could affect adulthood. I didn’t want to solely rely on the responses from my family and friends, I needed actual facts and research. I was also able to look at social phenomenons like the phrase “Daddy Issues” and its significance among those who have lost their father. I posted videos and websites to showcase this information.

My final decision for my blog was to make sure what other platforms are discussing  this topic and how. I specifically looked at Youtube Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook with both my personal accounts and other people’s accounts. I noticed that on Youtube,there were many comments on videos about personal stories about bereavement yet no comments with other users. I noticed with Twitter and Instagram, there were rarely any comments if any at  all, only likes. I wanted to take extra note on the fact there is no similar blog or popular social media platform with this type of community and a safe place for people to talk about losing a  parent at a  young age. This blog reflects a very personal part of my life and over the course of this class it has made me be able to go through a therapeutic discovery by doing all this research and reaching out to my loved ones and friends and being able to find that there is potential for an online community to talk about this. 

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Interview with Mom (widowed parent)

I interviewed my mom Kimmy Hanley( a widowed parent ) to see her perspectives on what it was like in those first couple of years after my father’s death. I have never really talked about this with mom until this year so I was taken back by her response and really felt for her and tried to put myself in her shoes. 

R:What was it like for you right after dad passed away?

K:It was like living in a nightmare. I can’t even describe it. I had no idea what to do, no direction. I just lost the love of my life with two kids under 10 years old. He was the bread winner so I didn't know where we financially or what I had to do in order  to try and support our family. I was completely lost. I lost my everything, it felt like my life was over. 

R:What was it like having this happen to you in such a small community like Telluride?

K:It was great to have such a tight knit group of friends and family but it hurt. I resented going to the grocery store or post office because everyone would stare or come up to me and say something. It was so overwhelming. Then I would just see people going about their day. It felt so unfair everyone else just got to continue their lives and our little family had been destroyed. It became really toxic for me just seeing people like my friends laugh and be with their kids when my kids just lost their dad. 

R: What was the most difficult part about becoming a widow?

K:It made me do a lot of things I would never do if your dad was alive. I made a lot of mistakes. I had not idea what I was doing and I felt like I was making all the wrong choices but trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing not only for myself but for you and Wilder (my brother). I also miss my best friend, he was the love of my life and he made me laugh more than any other person in the world. I loved him so much. 

K:I wish he could be here to see you guys grow up, he would be so proud of you guys. 

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Today was difficult because I miss your dad so much...but I know how proud he would be of you. Your kindness, beauty, empathy, funniness, smartness, a sense of right and wrong. You are truly blessed to have Andy as your dad! He loved you so much! As do I to0

Mother (on May 13, 2019)

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I love looking at a piece like this because it shows the scientific aspect of how this can affect development. I look to pages like this sometimes to look for connections in my life and the lives of the people I know that have also lost a parent at a young age. I think it is important to become educated in areas like this because even though it is not good to think of yourself as a statistic, it can be helpful to see connections in your life that you might not have know to be a contributing factor of this type of loss. I think because there is actually facts and statistics people generally trust it more. I have found this super beneficial for me to read this, I had never even dared to research something like this before this class and now that I am more aware and informed I feel as though I can now explain things in my life that I didn’t know the answer to before.  

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Cousin Julie-Interview (Losing a mother rather than a father) In regards to romantic relationships

 My step cousin Julie lost her mother (my father’s step sister) to cancer when she was around 8 years old. 

I find it interesting that out of all 26 first cousins, we are the only two that are single and have only had around 1 or  no boyfriends in our lives. 

Her and I have have a very close relationship because of our loss, especially with our parents being step siblings and how they passed away only one year apart from the other. But instead of her father dying it was her mother. So I decided to interview her to see if I could pick up any differences. 

R: What do your thoughts about romantic relationships when you have lost a parent as such a young age?

J: In my adult life and in the dating world I am not just trying to throw myself out there and get into a relationship just cause. If the person isn’t right then I am going to fake it just to be apart of relationship. At first it stemmed from not having trust in people. 

(I agreed with her on this and we both agreed this insecurity stems from losing parents.)

J: But then it became an idea of. how easily people can be taken away from our life, and that fear of pain and heartbreak is reasons why it is hard to know how to love or be loved.  

J:Being single is how I came to discover myself and my inner peace. Processing and growing up  without a mother was hard for me and I had to learn a lot of things about being a woman on my own or with the help of Ali (my sister.) It was hard for me to understand the concept of love or how to put her self out there and not create so much vulnerability to her heart that she would get heartbroken.

R: How did you find your inner piece?

J: I started to do the things I loved and that was photography. I started being a yoga teacher as well and that really helped me get in tune with. myself and what I wanted. It also helped me reflect and help me become my own woman. I had to remind myself, just because I didn’t have another woman to raise me, doesn’t mean I couldn’t become my own strong independent woman and inspire myself and other people. 

R:Do you think losing a mom or a dad has different outcomes in adult life?

J:Not nessacarily I think you and I are a good example of how that isn’t true. We both have things in our life we struggle with because of the gender of the parent we lost but we both lost a parent regardless of the gender and I think that pain hurt the same on both ends and affected the same people. We can share that hurt but come together to help one another because we know that pain, but we also know how to heal. 

She inspires me inso many ways but mainly because she took time for herself to grieve and took time to understand who she truly wanted and what became important to her in her life. Since she is older than me and has her passions and life a little more put together, I trust what she has to say and her bright light and her energy has become a guiding force for me to understand how I must learn to heal. I love her!

 She would be someone that would be an amazing person to share her story for this blog. 

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May 13, 2019

I wrote this on the anniversary of my fathers death of this year. 

Why does this day always feel like someone is standing on my chest? I don’t know how to describe this feeling but it as if a weight of some kind is pulling me down. 

Anniversaries and holidays is very hard when you lose a loved one but for me the month of May is a very hard month.  My father died May 13, 2001, on this day in this year it was actually Mother’s Day.  My father died on Mother’s Day. Why did there have to face that much extra pain on that day? WHY?

May 13th is also one week before my birthday. May 20th. 

I couldn’t explain it as a kid, why did I always feel so sad and neglected on my birthday. I always felt bad for my self and I couldn’t pin point why. It was always that feeling like someone was standing on my chest or wanting to bring me down. But throughout my youth, I couldn’t connect the dots as to why I was feeling this way. Why did I feel like acting up? Why did I feel like. crying when I woke up on my birthday? Why did I feel like getting blasted every birthday? Why?

I only started to really understand a couple of years ago. I started to see this pattern happen every year and this silent pain that would creep up.  I would be mean to my family, I would get way too drunk, I would be so sad in isolation. This month was the month from hell. 

Then it hit me. It was only a year ago that my mom told me the story about my sixth birthday, a short week of my father being dead. She explained how painfully sad the whole event was and how she tried so hard not to cry in front of me. From my. perspective, I couldn’t understand why none of my friends could be invited and why blowing out the candles wasn’t the usual exciting feeling I usually got. It was all so strange, something I couldn't understand.  

That same weird feeling haunted me for years during my birthday. It always felt like something was out of place, like a bad mood cloud had suddenly drifted over me and I couldn’t understand how to stop it. 

But once I heard this story from my mother. It made me stop and remember. It made me be able to put myself in my six year old self’s shoes and realize she was hurting and she had to mask all her pain to protect her heart. Although, she wasn’t protecting her heart, all she was doing is putting more weight on it, with baggage of sadness and anger.

This allowed me to give myself a little more credit, and to understand why I feel this way every year. It helped me to reduce my anxiety and depression to know that deep down there still is this little girl that is still hurting but she is becoming stronger every day. Being able to peel back these very emotional layers very delicately is very important because it shows you the timeline of grief. 

Grieving is not a 1, 2,  3 process, and even in my adult age, I still have so much learning to do when it comes to grieving. But recognizing that certain events like a birthday or anniversary will be hard but preparing for it and talking about it has helped me so much to understand that my heart is still very delicate no matter how many years later this is. 

It led me to also think about what has been affected by these parts of my grieving that have affected my adult life:

Relationships 

Trust 

Abandonment Issues

Over Consumption 

Anxiety 

Depression 

All of these things have been a large part of my adult life. Maybe not all of them. connect to the death of my father but after countless amounts of research, there seems to be a very strong link between the two.

What has been the most important and valuable lesson I have learned from losing a parent at a young age is that even though the process of grieving can be difficult, it is possible to feel good again. 

People become afraid to bring up a death of a loved one around people, it is such a taboo topic these days. I didn't speak a word about my father until I was 17. I refused to speak to a therapist, I would get very angry when anyone brought him up, I was closed shut. 

But once people actually started talking about my dad as a person and opening up about stories and photos about him, I wanted to know more and became curious. 

What also helped me a lot, more recently this year is talking not only with a therapist but researching about the impacts of bereavement children. The last thing I wanted to was to view myself as a statistic but after interviewing my family members and friends who were also affected by death of their parent, I found matching similarities between us and didn't feel so alone.

I also found that seeing this online community with people sharing their experiences and talking about their losses, made me feel not so isolated from everyone else, people had gone through these same things. 

What I want to see more of, is stories and thoughts like I posted on the anniversary of my father’s death. But I want people who have gone through something similar to share their stories or comment on other people’s stories to create this community of healing. Expression and human relationships are one of the most important qualities about being a human and if we don’t use this to our benefit then what is the point. I really enjoyed even getting feedback from my classmates. Even if they had not lost a parent, it was refreshing to see the view from the opposite side.  

All I want is this blog to be a place of my expression of my loss and I hope it becomes a place for others to feel safe about their beloved parent. 

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These comments are much like the ones on Youtube and I really love the idea of the #virtualhug as described in one of the comments. It shows that there can be this community and people can come together and help one another but also talk if they need to talk. I find these comments and this article very special and heartwarming.

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I find this article interesting because it shows how in this generation people use social media to express grief. I think it ranges from different social media platforms but I feel like it has become a place where people can actually express how they are feeling. 

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My Personal Experience on Social Media

You can see here if I show something about my father on my social media accounts like Facebook and Instagram, people are all about showing love. There is only one case where one of my uncles actually talks about my father and invites the idea to be able to talk about him more. But is is observed that when I post something on Instagram or Facebook to honor my father like a picture of him on his birthday or on the anniversary of his death, people don’t get into the hard and dark stuff, like grieving, rather they share their love and maybe a fun memory but that is it. I think this is because people would find it inappropriate to comment or say something deeper when it is not their loved one that is being honored or portrayed. But that is why I think providing a space where people find it comfortable to talk about these hard things could be the answer and all of those people that have share similar experiences can come together and create a community of trust and companionship. It is so easy to feel alone and isolated in these situations, that having an outlet that sometimes can be a faulty reality like Instagram and creating a platform that has real intentions for people in this situation, could be a wonderful place for many people that might not even know that they need it. 

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You can see here with Twitter, some of these accounts have a decent amount of followers and retweets but when I would go look at the content, there were rarely any comments on the posts or people going back and forth discussing the material or giving advice or sharing their experiences. 

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Here are some of the comments in the Youtube videos about bereavement and loss of a parent. You can see how in these comments people share how they lost their parents, how old they were, and how they are feeling. You can see the range of ages change and how they are children on these videos commenting and adults. I think these are powerful comments because people are sharing their personal story and showing courage. Yet, I think since there is no back and forth communication with each other, there is no space for people to help one another and become a community of people that have both struggled with this type of loss. 

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Content Online-User Generated Comments and Posts

I have noticed that when it comes to online conversations about bereavement in children and losing parents at a young age, there isn’t a lot of talk in a community. It is a lot of people sharing their personal experiences and who they lost in their family and how they feel. But there isn't this sense of togetherness and helping one another. The comments just sit there and rarely are there people commenting on each-other’s comments. I found most of the interactions with this type of topic were found on Youtube. I looked on other platforms like Instagram and Twitter and Facebook. I noticed that there were not that many pages on bereavement children but more on grief. I also found on these pages, the comments were few but there were more retweets and likes. 

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Interview with Keenan

I interviewed a peer of mine named Keenan Zeller who happened to be in New York over the weekend visiting New York for 48 hours. She lost her dad last year to a heart attack. While we met up for coffee, I asked if it would be okay if I asked her a few questions in regards to a blog I was creating for people who had lost their parents at a young age. My questions mostly focused on what she would think about my blog idea and if she thought it would be a good idea. I wrote down the questions and answers on my phone.

Keenan, do you think having a blog on people who lost their parents at a young age would be a good idea?

Absolutely, it would be a place where people could look to for guidance and support. Since these types of things are often hard for people to talk about in person, this could be a helpful place for a lot of people. Especially those who can’t afford therapy.

What types of things would you like to see on this blog?

I think videos, and an area where people can add their own experiences and feelings. I also think just giving a lot of advice but not shoving in peoples face would be awesome. Maybe also trying to incorporate something with parents as well.

What are some topics that you would like to possibly see on the blog?

One huge one for me is Daddy Issues! I never really get that whole thing, like still don’t know what it means and its become such a big thing in social media and millennial culture so it would be nice to understand that whole topic.

Feedback:

I was so excited when I heard all of Keenan’s responses. I really do think this blog would help people in many positive ways. I also couldn’t believe she said to talk about Daddy Issues. I nearly jumped out of my chair when she said that because that is a huge topic I want to uncover in this blog. I was so pleased to how much she thought highly of my blog idea about young children and young adults losing their parent at a young age.

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Outline

I.Personal Narrative

Explain how I became interested in learning about this-how this affects adulthood

Show the connection of my story to bereavement children

II. The Effects on the Children

Understanding grieving process-show investigative and medical research on this 

Helping the widowed parent-how to help

Looking to see if there are camps or programs to help these children-give details on camps and programs that exist today 

III.The After Effects in Adulthood

1. Look at connections to gender with deceased parent and with daughter and son-interviews with both sons and daughters who have lost their parents

2. Cultural connections-”Daddy Issues”-explore what this means and how it is most used with girls

3. Create an online space for adults who have lost their parents at a young age to discuss-blog 

Bibliography:

Psychology, Practical. “Daddy Issues Explained - Freud's PsychoSexual Developmental Stages.” YouTube, YouTube, 28 Nov. 2017, www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VAo-FQTB8E.

Troy, Perspectives Of. “Father Complex: The Psychology behind 'Daddy Issues'.” Perspectives Counseling Centers, 20 Sept. 2018, perspectivesoftroy.com/father-complex/.

Lemoine, Alexa. “What Does Daddy Issues Mean?” Dictionary.com, Dictionary.com, 21 Aug. 2018, www.dictionary.com/e/slang/daddy-issues/.

Beyond. “10 Things Nobody Tells You About Losing a Parent.” Beyond, 31 Jan. 2019, beyond.life/blog/10-things-nobody-tells-losing-parent/.

Gunner, Stephanie. “Home.” Home, childrengrieve.org/find-support.

Schonfeld, David J. “After a Loved One Dies— How Children Grieve And How Parents and Other Adults Can Support Them.” Aap.org, www.aap.org/en-us/advocacy-and-policy/aap-health-initiatives/Children-and-Disasters/Documents/After-a-Loved-One-Dies-English.pdf.

UK, Child Bereavement. “When a Parent Has Died : Young People Share Their Experiences.” YouTube, YouTube, 21 Nov. 2017, www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-qFkRaPRYY.

Zaslow, Jeffry. “Families With A Missing Piece.” Hello Grief, www.hellogrief.org/families-with-a-missing-piece/.

Townsend, Virgie. “How the Death of a Parent Affects a Child.” Tonic, VICE, 23 Apr. 2018, tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/a3y9g4/how-the-death-of-a-parent-affects-a-child.

Krisch , Joshua. “Losing a Parent Changes Us Forever. There's Proof.” Fatherly, 8 Feb. 2019, www.fatherly.com/health-science/parent-death-psychological-physical-effects/.

Vallin, Pedro. “Pablo Bustinduy (Unidos Podemos).” YouTube, YouTube, 27 Feb. 2019, youtube.com/watch?v=RrLziRZfLy0.

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Explanation of “Daddy Issues.”

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Purpose

I want to focus on children losing a parent or parents in adolescence. Since I lost my father when I was 5 years old, I have become increasingly curious about how this may affect individuals in adulthood. I want to research and investigate if there will be differences if the mother or father dies and how if it differentiates between the son and daughter. I want to observe cultural connections with phrases like "Daddy Issues" and what is the prevalence of these meanings. I found that in my situation it can be a very isolating thing and many of these children, being at such a young age, are confused and don't necessarily know how to express themselves. I'm curious to see if there are types of programs for these children and how they are being helped. Many just think when a death happens in a family, it is the living parent's job to be there for their children, but what some may not realize is that other parent may be hurting just as bad and have no idea how to be the proper parent they are supposed to be. I would include interviews, investigative research, medical research, and statistics to help better my assessment on this personal piece. My goal is to create a space where people can freely discuss this topic and to ensure these children are getting the necessary care they need to prepare for adulthood and to assist them with the grieving process in a healthy way. I am very excited for this because it hits so close to home.

Me and my dad, Andy Hanley :)