s1mply-lif3

[s1mply-lif3]

it ends with me....

[s1mply-lif3]

at times just going grocery shopping with the kids reminds me of how lucky i am and i am so thankful i don't listen to that little vocie that's so loud that says "i can't do this anymore'-today i push

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take advantage of the night..rest your body your mind your soul..tomorrow will be a new day, a new beginning. -one more day

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my brain is a roller coaster

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it’s just a moment

& just like that my sadness appears. My day started good. A good lazy day haven’t showered, smells like clean floors. & in the background the noise of the dryer & my son talking while playing. Me enjoying a good show in my opinion while thinking i could use a good iced coffee from dunking donuts right now. just got a new laptop and have no idea how to use it so i’m trying to figure that out as well. a good multitasking moment. & while downloading netflix thinking...I always watched videos, saw pictures,watched shows, where they’re enjoying a movie or show on a laptop and always thought that looks cool. I mean i have a phone i do that there but maybe is not the same...& all of a sudden i feel the sadness creeping in. like a dark shadow. like those scenes in movies where the bad guys are coming and you can feel that ugly horrifying scary presence. a dark cold fog slowly heading to that beautiful forest town in the middle of the night. only....here, is whenever and wherever. No Mercy. i could feel how my eyes start getting watery. trying to fight it because i don’t want my son to see. How do i explain i don’t know why i’m sad most of the time. How i know what i have and how thankful i am but also feeling like...i can’t no more, i, want, to let go but not in that good move on let go...

[s1mply-lif3]

today i will push because one day i'll need someone to pull me

i think me lol

[s1mply-lif3]

?

I recently came across a video where a therapist talked about, how is your relationship with your mom? I knew i was gonna cry. why? Well it’s not the best in my eyes.(I honestly think she feels the same way) When ever we see each other we always argue. I’m not gonna lie I feel like I have a lot of resentment towards her. I also feel like she does towards me too. Why? Well I feel like she has always treated me different from my other siblings. I am the second one of five. I am the first one that always wanted to be with mom. Mom went to buy groceries there i was etc. I am also the one that was there on important things house hunting to help with translation etc. The one who never asked for help and in a way it was okay because mom had other things to deal with. Anyways I think I am that kid. you know the one that parents rely on. The one that seems to get it right all the time. Who if for whatever reason doesn’t know how to do something to them is like you don’t want to help. So the yelling and the insulting don’t stop until satisfied because the anger of not getting stuff done doesn’t go away so easily. Well back to the video. He said to imagine mom as a child. Maybe sit her on our lap and tried to comprehend where she comes from. Why? Shit; because we are all broken, damaged, have trauma for one reason or another. My mother was 3 when her mom gave her away to her grandma. (A grandma that constantly reminded them that their mom left them like dogs..her words not mine) Never came back and when she did she was just another visitor. I imagined a helpless kid playing in her yard and catching a glimpse of a mother daughter duo and that thought that maybe she didn’t want came across of i’ll never have that. Everything she missed out. if only she had her parents. I mean who wouldn’t have trauma from that? Even tho she says nothing that happened in her life affected her. I think deep down inside it did. & it’s no excuse just like i have no excuse for how i am has a mom. Why? because it’s on us to break that cycle and release the bad that happened to us. Let the good weight more than the bad. life is a cycle that started generations ago. Some break the cycle others don’t. Others. Well, we push and push everyday to try and break it because for some reason we keep falling back. Let’s try to understand our parents. Lets try to be nice to others and most of all to ourselves. because we all need a little healing. SO -for now let’s push