sacreficied - Tumblr blog

[sacreficied]

seventhsith​   //   seventh sister.

“astute.” she remarks wryly, arms folded across her chest as she steps across his path. no helmet covers her face - no need, both in the regard of his blindness and his own knowledge of her face - yellow eyes glinting in the high sunlight. her hair has once again been cropped short, what remains pulled back from her face in a series of braids and buns. “did you really expect otherwise, kanan jarrus?”

this game of cat and mouse that the two of them had been playing –– one that apparently was capable of surpassing death itself –– had long since grown weary. his mouth settled into a flat, irritated line. “well, i was hoping that one of these days you’d get a life of your own,” kanan retorted with a sarcastic smile, though the clench in his jaw was still obvious. “what do you want this time?”

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mvchinery​   //   depa billaba.

she nodded respectfully at the correction, carefully filing the fact away in her head. she would have to get to know this hera better. they were part of the family, weren’t they ? she hoped kanan would be willing to introduce the two of them.

as he continued, though, depa paused in her tracks, rearing back slightly. a son ? kanan had a son ? her eyes widened with surprise, finding herself unsure of what to say. it wasn’t such an awful thing, really, but. she hadn’t expected it. that was all. “kanan,” she said slowly. “kanan, that’s wonderful.” she didn’t know what she was going to say until she said it. because — it was, wasn’t it ? to have a child was such a gift. kanan was — he had been such a gift to her.

kanan watched his master’s expressions carefully at the delivery of the news, well aware that it could have easily been seen as quite controversial, as impossible, even, but... he had felt jacen, listened to him and heard the other’s descriptions of him, and he could not find it in himself to even try and deny that reality, no matter how odd it may have been. though the reasoning behind it wasn’t clear, it was what the force wanted. “i’m glad you think so.” he was relieved – he wasn’t wholly prepared for any kind of rejection from her. “i don’t know him well. as well as i’d like to, at least. he was born after i died. but he’ll be strong with the force one day, if he’s trained.”

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madamejocastanu​   //   jocasta nu.

   Jocasta rubbed her chin once more as Kana further elaborated on this mysterious Bendu creature. “Power but ambivalent to the problems of the universe?” Jocasta let out a small chuckle. It sounded all to familiar, “During the Clone Wars, and even before the Battle of Naboo very similar criticisms were thrown at the Jedi Order as a whole.” She pondered it for a second further, the idea that destroying both sides was more noble than choosing a side was……interesting, though Jocasta disagreed with it very deeply. “The Bendu Monks certainly picked a side, they helped found the Jedi Order, but that idea it is……problematic. The idea that both sides of a battle should be destroyed is wrong. While battle should be avoided, in some instances there are very clearly those who are in the right and those in the wrong. Perhaps the Clone Wars was a grey area, but the Rebellion? No one could say what the Empire was doing was right.” 

kanan nodded his head as master nu echoed his words, though the conclusion wasn’t one that he had drawn on his own –– he had been so young when the order had fallen and there were still many, many things that he had left to learn ( that he’d perhaps never had the opportunity to learn ). he took a breath, considering the weight of her words. “it’s hard to feel like we were being ambivalent, with all that we were doing.” he, and many others his age, had nearly been raised as soldiers before being jedi. it’s an exaggeration, but not a huge one. at least master nu did not agree with the position that bendu had taken, which was a relief. he knew that he wasn’t a soldier, that it wasn’t the role of a jedi, but... he couldn’t just ignore the fight, either. “he never saw it that way. i– i don’t know what happened to him, or if he’s still there now. maybe it’d be worth checking at some point, but there’s no shortage of other things to worry about right now.”

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galaxywon​   //   count dooku.

That   is   a   young   man’s   belief,   someone   who   had   risen   up   against   evil   and   fought   it.   Not   someone   like   him,   who   had   felt   the   touch   of   darkness   and   (   even   though   he   hadn’t   remembered   it   )   had   embraced   it.   “   You   remind   me   of   your   master,   Kanan   Jarrus.   “   he   had   known   Depa   Billaba   through   his   strong   friendship   with   Mace   Windu,   and   she   would   make   a   formidable   opponent.   This   man   would   have   been   too   young   to   take   saber   lessons   with   Dooku,   if   he   was   alive,   before   his   departure.   He   did   not   remember   the   jedi   in   front   of   him.   He   wondered   if   Jarrus   remembered   the   Count.   “   She   too   had   hope.   “   

“No   cause   is   lost   as   long   as   one   fool   is   left   to   fight   for   it.“   @sacreficied​​   

there was not a higher compliment out in the galaxy, as far as kanan was concerned –– master billaba was someone that he had always revered, that he had clung to her memory for years ( and now, was grateful that she was no longer just a memory ). it’s odd, coming from him. this was a dooku –– master dooku –– that he did not know. most everything he had learned had been the count. “she still does,” he offered after a beat had passed, drawing in a deep breath and standing just a bit taller than before. “many are looking at the yuuzhan vong now and seeing a lost cause, especially for the new republic.”

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call-me-spectre-five​   //   sabine wren.

Their smile turned somber once again with his dire words of sacrifice and loss. He doesn’t have to tell her the choice he’d make because they’d already lived it. The aftermath of his decision to protect Hera, to protect all of the crew that Sabine called aliit–  it weighed on them both. Weighed on all of the Spectre crew, really, but it sat in between them in the here and now.

“Yeah, me, too.” The tone-shift was heavy and awkward to navigate, something she didn’t really want to adopt right now. With everything that had happened in the last few years, loss was always on the forefront of their mind– often partnered with guilt. “Still, uh, we’ve always been lucky enough to have each other.” Almost always. “What’s on your mind, Kanan?”

balancing his life as a jedi and what he owed, what he wanted to owe, to ghost crew was not an easy task. there had been years where no attempt had been made –– something that had shifted when they had stumbled across ezra, that realization of what, exactly, he was missing in his life. kanan wanted better for himself now. he wanted better for all of them. he wanted to be a better man that he had been in the past.

“what isn’t?” kanan replied back with a slight chuckle, shoulders lifting in a slight shrug to reduce the weight of his own words. corners of his mouth lifted in a slight smile. “i’m grateful for the chance that we all have with this,” he begun, being mindful to choose his own words carefully. “still, i wonder what we’re all looking at with the bigger picture.”

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zaedas​   //   zaeda z’share.

the question made zaeda’s skin crawl. “i’ve never considered myself to look like one, so maybe looks don’t fucking matter.” it wasn’t his fault, and they knew it was unfair to snap at anyone who wasn’t actually involved in their death, but then again, life (and death) weren’t fucking fair. still, recognizing him, remembering the kid he used to be, actually made her feel a little guilty about the way she responded. she should have been happy for him for surviving, and deep down, she knew probably was – but just then, she was spiraling all over again, heart and head pounding as they remembered their life had ended. ended. that moment, the pain and the silence, rang in her mind ad infinitum. it made it hard to be happy or level. “so, you survived. how’d you manage that?”​

it had been a careless question, kanan realized. he didn’t always put the most thought into what came out of his mouth. although he could no longer see the scars that were on their face, he remembered what zaeda looked like. they probably looked much more like what he remembered, than what she remembered of him –– once a scraggly padawan alongside master billaba, far from the case now ( testosterone worked wonders ). “fair enough,” he offered a neutral remark, hoping that would be that. the question is expected, really. people always wanted to know when they knew that aspect of his life. it was a part of his life he tried not to remember, after sixty-six and before hera had stumbled into his life. “master billaba gave me a chance. i took it. she died for it.” she would not have had it any other way, he knew that. it barely eased the guilt.

[sacreficied]

“And still, I survive.”

( from seventh )

@seventhsith

irritation settled into the lines of his face, chin tilted down as though he were still able to truly look down upon her. somehow, it seemed like she was around every corner that he turned. “should i be impressed?” kanan responded dryly. seventh sister had a way of testing his patience that he was far from fond of, especially without anyone around to temper him out.

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spectreoflasan​   //   zeb orrelios.

“Probably didn’t want to rub it in,”  Zeb teased. They knew Kanan was there if they needed him, but they were relieved he wasn’t pushing a serious talk about this. Kanan had his stubborn⁠ moments—karabast, they both did, Zeb would cop to that—but he also knew when to say when with this stuff.   (Usually.)  

Zeb’s ears twitched at his next comment.  “Nah, it’s been, uh, you know. Radio silence from old Fulcrum lately.”  He knew Kallus had been avoiding him, he just didn’t know if it was because of the kiss they’d shared on Life Day or the hell that broke loose afterward.  “But sure, I wouldn’t say no to a good challenge. Let me know when you find someone who can give me one.”

corners of his mouth remained lifted, leaving it there. if for whatever reason zeb felt the need to talk about it more, the door was open, and he felt certain that the other knew that. there was no sense in trying to push more out of it, neither of them were the type for such a thing.

“yeah?” it’s not like he had much room to talk on the matter these days, but there was no way that kanan was going to willing say a word about that. “wouldn’t have guessed.” perhaps that was due to his own disconnect, throwing himself into the rebuilding jedi order and completing ezra’s training ( though he hardly needed it ). “uh huh. what, you going for someone a little more ezra sized these days?”

[sacreficied]

“The world should have protected you, but you have been asked to protect it. What an honor. What an injustice.“

there was no doubt that sabine had certainly grown up in the years that he had been dead. kanan leaned back, offering a slight shrug of his shoulders. that was the way of the world. he had a choice in being a jedi and he had made that choice, was still actively making that choice, every day. a deep breath drew in through his nose, offering a solemn smile. “master billaba did everything she could to protect me.” he offered a simple response, not thinking too long or hard on it. “now i choose to do it.”

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“Will you fight? Or will you perish like a dog?”

the sarcastic smile only concealed the irritation briefly, if that. he doesn’t know who she was, but it doesn’t take much to draw conclusions –– he’d only met a few types brave and foolish enough to say that to a jedi. “if you want a fight, then i’ll fight.” his hand was firm yet relaxed around the hilt of his lightsaber, ready to draw and ignite at a moment’s notice.

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@spectreoflasan sent  ...  📜 for kanan !

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madamejocastanu​   //   jocasta nu.

   Jocasta’s hand gently rested against her chin, listening to Kanan as he explained her theory in how to exploit their lack of presence in the force, the void that they left. It would be difficult, but Kanan had overcome so much, that if anyone could do it it would be him. “I have faith that you can be able to master this theory of her’s. I will search the archives that we have to see if there is anything I can find to help you with this endeavor.” She let out a small sigh, if she had access to her old archives, there were so many more books that would have helped Kanan, that she simply no longer had access to. Though when she heard him speak next, she rose an eyebrow. 

“Bendu? A creature named the Bendu?  Interesting, the symbol of the Galatic Republic was derived from a religion known as Bendu. Very few texts related to the Bendu Monks survived though, and some believed they were one of the founding basis of the Je’daii Order, and I once read an older tome, that spoke of the center of Ashla, and Bogan being known as Bendu, which the monks took that as their name, considering they were non-confrontational and pacifists. I wonder if the Bendu Monks, had anything to do with this Bendu creature. Oh, I am quite envious of you, Kanan to have met such a creature.” 

the vote of confidence was appreciated, more needed than what kanan could properly express with his own words, swallowing down whatever bits of nerves remained and giving a nod of his head in response. they would figure it out because they needed to. because eh could not imagine another way forward through this mess yet, and he was not willing to give up on it. if it meant going back to atollon, or to... somewhere, anywhere where he’d be able to figure it out, then he would do exactly that. whatever he could contribute to this, he would. there were other roles, roles beyond fighting, but accepting that felt akin to giving up.

“i...” in a rare feat, kanan found himself to be rather speechless at all the information that master nu knew. he wished that he had brought it up sooner, for a moment, though he had not seen any reason to before. he didn’t know if bendu was even still there. he swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry, as he collected his own thoughts on the matter. “well, it fits. some of it, at least. he was powerful but... ambivalent to the problems of the universe. he’d rather destroy both sides of a battle than take a side.” maybe she could find the wisdom in that, but he could not.

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@spectrcsix​   //   ezra bridger.

after the conversation that he’d had with master nu, returning to atollon felt like... the right thing to do. from what he’d heard, there wasn’t much activity on the planet these days. that was not a huge change from the planet that he remembered but it was no longer an active rebellion base which meant the two of them would need to be cautious, given the precarious state of the galaxy these days. danger was nothing new to either one of them. but if bendu was still there, then perhaps he could be of some help. maybe not in fighting the vong, but in giving them a better sense of how to deal with it. how to see, again. but this was a new challenge, a different one, than the rut that kanan had been stuck in when he had first met bendu.

“does anything look different to you?” it felt... the same. still. quiet. empty, almost, in a way that he wasn’t entirely ready to place. he did not doubt that there were just as many kryknas or dokmas as before, that it had settled into a state similar to what it had been in the past, yet he didn’t know if it was wise or foolish to expect bendu to still be on the desolate planet.

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mvchinery​   //   depa billaba.

so. kanan was in a relationship. it wasn’t unheard of, to be entirely fair. jedi had their affairs — she had had her flings, even. but there was a difference between that & a proper relationship, between that & loving someone. relationships were forbidden to the jedi. the order she had known, had served for all of her life, would have her condemn him for it.

then again, depa knew attachment. what had love ever done but save her ?

“she sounds like quite the woman,” depa said after a moment. “i’m … happy for you, kanan, if you’re happy.”

“demiwoman,” kanan corrected after a beat, somehow finding that easier than... well, just about anything else. hera would have been fine with his master knowing that part of their life, he was certain of that. but master billaba’s approval... it almost felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders, if it weren’t for the other shoe just waiting to drop, the bigger piece of it. he paused to take a breath, feeling his own anxiety still perpetuating between them.

he sighed, “it’s not just them.” a beat passed, knowing he needed to say it, to just be honest. “she – we... have a son. i know it’s not possible, that it shouldn’t be, but... i know that he’s mine, too.”

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call-me-spectre-five​   //   sabine wren.

Sabine listened with a focused intent as he spoke, trying to make meaning of her friend’s words. For all of the jokes and bullshit banter, they did like hearing Kanan talk. Liked learning about his creed and the family he once belonged to. 

“‘Easier said then done.’ That should be our crew’s tagline, huh?”

They paused on the notions of love and control and possession and guidance. She traced through their memories, wondering just how many actions had been driven by the desire to protect someone they cared about. More, it seemed, were inspired by the instinct than not. Whether it made them smart, or wise, she couldn’t say. Mandalorian or Jedi, everyone had to find a way to cope with the inevitability of feeling.

“Y’know, if I had to bet my money on the wisest of us, it’d probably be Hera. Sometimes I think they’re smarter then all of us combined.”

a huff of laughter pushed out of his nose and he nodded his head in agreement. no, something being hard had never discouraged them all from doing something –– it had only made them get a little more creative with how they had approached it. but he would give the others credit for that before himself, easily viewing them all as vastly superior to his own. he had his own strengths, that was just one that he saw being more advanced in the others.

“oh, absolutely,” kanan agreed with a deep chuckle escaping, giving a nod of his head as his arms folded across his broad chest. they would have all been lost without hera, not just him –– something that he was painfully aware of. “we’d all be lost without them.”

a beat passes, something heavier clearly laying on his mind from the crease between his brow. “if i had to choose between, i know the choice i’d make. i just hope i never have to make that choice.”

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@pcreblooded​   //   alyshira vorek.

it wasn’t every day that there were new presences among the jedi. kanan had been pushing himself into the force, stretching out his abilities to sense beyond what he already had. it had been a strength of his since he had met bendu. there was something unique about this one, something that he had not quite encountered before, though he was unsure how to decipher it. his typical mask covered his scarred eyes, mouth softened into a slight smile as he faced the stranger’s general direction. “i don’t think we’ve had the chance to meet yet.”

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galaxywon​   //   hera syndulla.

“  Because  I  have  a  duty  to  the  New  Republic,  Kanan.  It’s  not  just  a  Jedi  problem.  “  They  had  always  been  good  at  this,  putting  their  duty  before  their  relationship.  At  one  point,  it  had  been  impossible  to  think  of  anything  but  the  war.  She  had  never  thought  that  he  would  dismiss  what  they  did.  They  were  a  team,  they  worked  together.  “  People  died,  a  lot  of  them.  I  can’t  just  sit  around  and  wait  for  an  answer.  “  her  shoulders  deflated,  listening  to  him  speak.  They  couldn’t  imagine  what  he  was  going  through.  He  had  learned  to  see  again  using  The  Force.  Now,  he  didn’t  have  that  against  their  new  enemy.  “  Kanan,  you’ve  never  been  useless.  “  she  turned  to  face  him,  lips  pressed  together,  “  Will  Master  Billaba  help  you  ?  “  they  questioned,  brushing  a  hand  against  his  jaw.  

a breath pushed out through his nose, trying to remind himself to be mindful. no, it wasn’t just a jedi problem –– kanan was well aware that this would affect everyone, no matter who they might have been aligned with. this was an unprecedented problem. but there was no sense in trying to tell hera what to do: they would do what they believed to be right. it was one of the things that he loved about her. “i know. but this is something different from the empire. we all have to be cautious.” perhaps a piece of it was his own attachment slipping through, but... it wasn’t enough to let it influence his own decisions, he hoped. they would both do their own duty. “yes, she will. we’re working on a way around it, but it takes time.” he placed his hand on top of theirs, bringing it to his mouth and placing a kiss against their knuckles. “time that we may not have.”