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“I was like what if we got married tomorrow? And she was like…”

“Fine.”

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Happy September the 1st!

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you and i collide.

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Cursed Child was dumb and here are some reasons why

(warning: spoilers. this probably won’t make sense unless you’ve read the script. far be it from me to recommend this kneazle-vomit of a play, though, so if you haven’t read it, good)

the plot is messy, strange, and childish. there’s only one time-turner left!! how will the characters cope when said time-turner is lost? oh lol they’ll just use this other convenient time-turner. for convenient plot points, see also: harry can suddenly speak parseltongue again, because well he just kind of needs to be able to do that

Harry cursing “oh dumbledore” without a hint of irony. like really? really

the characterisation was a pile of dragon dung and we all freaking know it. let’s break it down into individual characters here because fuck if I can stop at one bullet point for this

Hermione: the brightest witch of her age, the constant crusader for the unloved and the unrepresented, whose successful career and capacity for kindness apparently rest in the hands of her romance with Ron Weasley. oh… but wait. it sounds a little familiar, this story. hear me out. let’s see now, a highly intelligent person who falls in love but doesn’t have that love reciprocated, and who then becomes a really fucking mean teacher at Hogwarts through bitterness. sound like anyone we know? fam, they tried to parallel Hermione and Snape. Hermione and Snape. this being the same Snape who sneered in Hermione’s face when she’d been visibly hexed, and made her cry; the same Snape who bullied Neville Longbottom for years, while Hermione muttered instructions under her breath to help him. if you want to tell me that Hermione would ever allow herself to become a Snape parallel then I will kindly invite you to shove a dirigible plum where there’s no lumos solem

Harry: when Harry was at his angriest in OOTP, and he’s yelling at Ron and Hermione, there’s one thing we notice. everything he yells is true. he means it. he’s bitter about it and he’s loud and furious, but he doesn’t have the kind of anger that just says anything to cause hurt, that speaks without thinking, not even at this crisis point in his life. are you really going to tell me that the boy who knows down to his bones what it’s like to feel rejected, and misunderstood, and alone, would ever say - even in anger - that he wishes Albus wasn’t his son? I am going to snap wands over this

Cedric. and this one burns. because Cedric was brave and he was true, and he had a sense of justice that led him to telling Harry about the way the golden egg worked, and led him to sharing the winning of the triwizard tournament with Harry. he died, he was murdered at the age of seventeen, embodying a sense of justice so strong, an innocence, a goodness. Cedric Diggory - the boy who believed in fairness with an integrity that is astounding - becoming party to the indiscriminate killing and casual torture of the Death Eaters just because he had his head engorged one time… is about as likely as Hagrid stomping on a dragon egg. it’s an insult to who he was and I am going to engorge the entire bodies of the writers of this fucking play so that hopefully they’ll just float away too, with all the grace and likeability of Aunt Marge

Voldemort: can we all agree now that Voldemort would not father a child. the idea of him experiencing lust seems out of character; the idea of him giving into a base urge seems more so. it’s too human, too vulgar, too physical; it would associate him with the common and the mainstream in a way that I contend he would find repulsive. Tom Riddle Sr. was trapped by Merope into sex and romance; to have sex would be to bring himself closer to his parents, down to the level of a Muggle and a witch who lacked power and craved love, two things Voldemort could never, ever stand. no. he wouldn’t have sex just because he wanted to; he’d be repelled by the idea. what other reason could there be for him to do the nasty with Bellatrix? to ensure the continuation of his line? that makes even less sense. achieving immortality for Voldemort was always a question of magic, a personal quest. he wouldn’t go for a messy, physical back-up plan. he always thought that he would win. if anything, he would see a child as a future threat, not a security. another being in the world with the promise of his power? he wouldn’t risk it.

what the fuck was that trolley witch scene though

“for voldemort and valour” are you serious. is there a Gryffindor spy in the Voldemort camp laughing their ass off because they actually managed to get that one through. and are they ten years old

overall, the message of the play infuriated me. Delphi was the child of Voldemort, so she was evil. Albus was the child of Harry, so he was good. Scorpius was the son of Draco, so he should have been evil, but Draco’s actually kind of good now and his mother was nice, so he can be good too. where is the complexity? was five hours of drama not enough to find some shades of morality? where is the hope, where is the resonance, in a story that says that good begets good and evil begets evil, and nothing can really change? the Harry Potter book series was about a boy who grew up with something inside him that was utterly evil, and who rejected it, fought against it, changed the path that fate seemed to wish him to walk. not slytherin, not slytherin. we had Regulus Black and Sirius Black, who rejected their pasts, whose heritage and whose House stood for nothing against their principles, their eventual and separate forms of bravery. we had Remus Lupin, who transformed into a monster but never became one, not even after years of rejection and pain. we had the word mudblood, and we watched Hermione fight it, we knew it was ridiculous to label someone based on their blood. and now… we have the Cursed Child. a play which is flat, and stupid, and tells us that your parentage inevitably dictates your character - and that how you’re treated is how you’ll treat others. dear writers, in the words of Albus Dumbledore, you fail to recognise that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be. you fucks.

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You try living for 15 years thinking that you’re one person, and then in five minutes, you find out you’re a princess. Just in case I wasn’t enough of a freak already, let’s add a tiara!

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Honestly.

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Am I disappointed that they didn’t invite me to fight with them? Um.. [laughs] No..? I’d just start my own team - Team Thor, of course.

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@MarvelStudios: See what Thor was up to during #CaptainAmericaCivilWar! Get this & other bonus on Dig HD 9/2 http://bit.ly/293rlyS

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favorite outfits: aria montgomery (season 6, part 2)

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I’m just dying while thinking about a hotel employee calmly Googling “How to fold a towel in the shape of an elephant,” and then going out to buy eye stickers.

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snape could’ve been an awesome teacher if he wasn’t a disgusting waste of a human being. he knew from age 16 that the instuctions that the textbooks were giving weren’t as good as they could be. he improved the potions and recorded his methods at age 16. if he weren’t such a shitbag, he could’ve either written the damn textbooks himself, or taught his students his alternate methods. he could’ve revolutionized how potions were being brewed, teaching whole generations a superior method of potion brewing. instead, he spent his time bullying children. 

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Benedict Cumberbatch at SDCC 2016, in response to reporter asking if he was tempted to tell fanboy Andy Murray something about Sherlock series 4. (video)

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I’m reading up on chocolate frog cards in the Harry Potter universe, for reasons, and-

“Came up with the ever changing floor plan.” 

Really, Ravenclaw? Really?

“You know what this school needs? To not make any sense-”

“Rowena, I don’t think-”

“Exactly, you don’t think. I’m brilliant and this is perfect. Moving staircases, walls that think they’re doors-”

“But how will the students get to class?”

“They’ll have to figure it out.”

“…”

“Everyday. They will figure it out everyday. My students will live in a tower and navigate these stairs every time.”

“The stairs move! This doesn’t seem safe…I think I’ll put my common room in the basement, Rowena.”

“Ditto. I think the dungeons would be safer…”

“…My kids will brave these stairs. I’ll take the other tower.”

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so i just read the trainwreck thats harry potter and the cursed child

and despite its absolute shipostry, there are still some good/hilarious things in it

harry calling out dumbledore on his bullshit

a perfectly accurate summary of the entire book series

this priceless exchange between ron, hermione and draco

what follows

draco being a dad

ginny being a good wife & mom and calling out harry

ron calling out jk rowling

this tomfuckery here

hagrid giving me feels

and probably the best dialogue with the boy who lived that ive ever read

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My favourite lines from The Cursed Child 

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Darcy and Elizabeth + Defending each other

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