sadlittleboyblog

[sadlittleboyblog]

Selective mutism

So, it happened again… I am so tired of this shit. Yes, I am stressed. Yes, a lot has happened. I quit therapy, my memory had been fucked up, I am moving again, Stress around what I was going to do the day before Christmas fucked me up because I almost missed traditions and I can’t handle that well. So, what does my Brain/body do. Just shut my voice down. The mutism is back, and I just want to hide until I can talk again. The anxiety I get from going out the door now Is worse than before, and I hate it. I want to contribute to conversations, but I can’t. so, there is happening alto more in my head now the before because I answer in my head and then the voices come and knock me down for not being able to say anything. AND I WANT TO STREAM SOOOO BAD!! But I can’t, because I CAN’T TALK!!!!

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Downhill

So alot has happend and eveything has went downhill again. It started going up some time ago but now its all hell. I'm not me anymore... I don't know what happend. A little more then 24 hours ago i was fine. Now. Everything is turned. It all hit me and I'm not me anymore. So i wanted to get a little away. So i drank some alcohol. Not so much tho. Just a bottle. Not much. And all i want to do since then is drink more. I have to have another drink. I don't know what happend. It feels as intense as when i was at my worst with self-harming... But i can't be addicted. I had one drink. I cave inn to the thoughts in my head that I've had for as long as i can remember. They always told me to drink some alcohol or take some drugs when everything turned bad. I have gotten wasted a couple of time because of that, but nothing happend. Now. After one drink. I can't stop thinking that i need another so bad that i have started lightly shaking. What happend?

[sadlittleboyblog]

when you go from a bad situation into a better one you may collapse exhausted and unsure what to do and full of grief, you may need time to regain the ability to do things as yourself or motivated by anything other than terror, you may need time to process or mourn or fall apart in ways you could not before,

and people may use this as proof that the old situation was better for you, proof that you need to go back, and it is not proof that it was better for you or proof that you need to go back

[sadlittleboyblog]

Relapsing is not the same as being moved back to square one. Let’s compare recovery and relapsing to going on a long walk. If you’ve walked 3 kilometers and then fall over, you still walked 3 kilometers. Sure, you’re on the ground - but you fell down, not backwards - and you can always get back up and continue walking. You’re not back to square one just because you stumbled over something and hit the ground for a moment.

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Things turned

Okay so I am going to revel something. Or I don’t know if I’ve said it or not before, but I am turning 18 soon. Yeah that’s great that I am considerd an adult soon and can tecnically do as I want without premission from my parents anymore, but there is some bad to it too. And here is when I tell you how it all turned from good to bad again.

~

So I don’t think I told, but some months ago I got a new therepist and I told her about my problems with my stepdad. SHe was the first to take me really serious. She told me it was’nt my foult. The first one ever to tell me that. I cried of course.

We then started talking about how we could fix this problem and ended up getting to the conclusion that if I wanted to we could contact the child serverses. Me being me was scared of wht would happen so I said I had to think about it. I then had summer and could’t talk to her since she had 6 weeks off. I talked to someone else. Got to know what would happen if we contacted them.

I was told I would be in control so I thought “Okay, Let’s do it.” When I then got back to her I got the news that she was quiting... So the people we were going to contact was’nt. I sendt her a text asking if we would still be able to when I got this new person to talk to and she replied saying. “Since you are soon turning 18 they most likely wouldn’t be to any help.” That was only like 2-3 months after she had tolk me that she thought we should contact them...

it was the first time in my life i thought that maybe I would be able to fix eveything with him, but then it all turned back. He is getting back to his old ways and I am so tierd and sick of it that I don’t even tell anyoneabout it anymore. Cause what is the point when nothing ever have changed before.

[sadlittleboyblog]

Wish my luck. Going to get a panic attack or break down soon. So that's just great. (note the sarcasm) rn I just want to not die but to not be with my mom or stepdad but nope. We are going on a walk together. All of us. I can't handle this. Someone please take me away from here.

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Did this work for you?

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Anger

I hate having all this anger inside me bacuse my stepdad has been abusive. For 14 years and no one has every stood up for me. Not when it happens but talks to him at least 1 hour later. Like he won't give a fuck. You know he won't. Why do you stay with him?! I got all this anger inside me because of him and I can't get it out cause I am terrified what will happen if I say what I want and stand up for my self against him. And it does NOT help when I talk to my mom about what to eat for dinner. She comes with an alternative and I say "Emmm... Yeah we can do that." and she just coppies me with a tone that makes me feel like shit. And makes me mad. I am so close to just start yelling, but I can't. I'm scared what will happen if I do. And I can't just leave either. So I am stuck here with anger and sadness eating me up. At least I am going to my therapist tomorrow.

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Can't wait!

I can't fucking wait until I move for myself and I can have a morning with only me and my dog. Without alot of noise, hearing my stepdad complain about everything, get comments all the fucking times that makes me feel like shit, no diskusjons and no anger. No almost fighting.

Just relaxing. Eating food while listening to some beautiful music or just hear the birds talk.

I can't FUCKING wait!

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If I had one wish.

A part of me hope someone I know see this user and understand it's me. Then talk to me about it, cause I am not able to tell anyone how bad it really is. And mom don't understand how bad he makes me feel. So If I had one wish it would be for someone in my family would see this and understand it was me. I need someone to stand up for me, cause It never helps when I do it and I am so sick of always being the one to stand up for EVERYONE else. I'm just a kid.

[sadlittleboyblog]

Why? Why?!

Why is it that EVERYTHING is MY fault?!

If something is gone he blames ME?!

Why? Why?!

I am so pissed I am about to cry and yell.

I got all this anger in me and I don't know what to do with it.

I try not to yell cause he will only yell back and mom didn't want a fight.

So I am not going to fight.

I'm at least going to give her that, since I hide away and don't spend time with her that much anymore.

I'm sorry mom, but I can't be close to him.

It's my own fault. I let him get to me.

It's my fault...

My fault...

At least that's what I'm told so why not belive it right?..

I don't want to belive it though, but nobody tells me it's NOT my fault.

That's all I need.

For someone to wrap their arms around me, let me cry on their shoulder and tell me it's not my fault.

To do something. Even if it's just that. It at least is SOMETHING!

[sadlittleboyblog]

Drew how I felt. I feel like breaking down and crying. I feel like shit. And nobody knows. But what's the point in telling when nobody does anything...

[sadlittleboyblog]

Anger

I got so much anger inside me. All because of one guy. I now have lost all hope that I won't have to live with him anymore that my mom will leave. All hope of that is now gone. I think I have to have him in my life forever. And I don't know how to deal with that. I got so much anger that I hit the wall several times. Does that mean I self harmed? If I did then that means he is starting to ruin me more again. That means he can ruin my future... I don't know how to deal with everything and I can't tell my mom again there is no point... I got 2 weeks left until I go to my therapist and she is new. Can I tell her all of this? Will she call home to my mom about it? I just want to run away cause the only way for me to deal with this is to write a song about it and share it. But I can't share it cause everyone will know it's him and I am terrified that something bad might happen then. Mom thinks he is a new person that he has changed, but even if he was it does not take away the 14 years of abuse. He can never make it good again... He can be as nice as he possibly can, but to me he will always be the guy who have abused me for 14 years. And I can't tell anyone else in my family cause I know that if they belive me it will start a fight and mom told me she didn't want there to ever become a fight so I can't tell anyone... I feel trapped and I don't know what to do...

[sadlittleboyblog]

Family...

So since I understood that mom would never understand how I felt about my stepdad. About how he has made me feel. I have started to get more depressed again. I don’t see the point in keep fighting cause I am alone and no one will help me. I got my dad who I can go to, but I just came home from a trip with him so mom will ask about it. Also, he is not someone you really come to about serious stuff. I don’t know what to do anymore. I had hope that everything would get better and that my mom might leave him, but I have lost that hope. All I had was hope that she would leave him or that someone would see what was happening and do something. But nobody does anything and I got told that no one can either. All I can do is try to survive until I’m able to move out.

[sadlittleboyblog]

Mom 2

So me and my mom talked about a friend of hers and then she started talking about how my stepdad had never been mean to like and ment it. That he is turning to a new person now... And I just saw now that she will never understand the pain he has caused me. How he made me feel like everything he said and every slap and every flick was my fault that I DESERVED it... She will never understand and he will be in my life forever... She told me she never wanted a fight about us in the furute that him and I never causeed a fight in the family... She called him family... He is NOT MY family! She don't want a fight and I will try to survive with him in my life cause I need my mom in my life but I can't promise the fight won't happen. I will try my best not to let it happen though. So mom I'm sorry if it does and I am the reason for a fight in the family.