sadsaltspeck

[sadsaltspeck]

The executive dysfunction is so bad

Doing anything feels like a cheese grater against the brain. Doing nothing feels just as bad.

Even things I like. I want to play games or make something or do literally anything. My brain just keeps screaming at me that I'm wasting time. I'm lying in bed because I don't know what else to do I have so much to do

I want to smash my head in. Why am I like this. God I need meds but I can't do the hard shit required to get meds. I'm going to be like this till I die I hate myself so much

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God I'm so fucking awkward and awful.

My excitement and joy is weird to the average normal person. And to my neurodivergent friends, it's upsetting and overwhelming.

I know they didn't mean it that way. I know I should just put a cap on it. Catch myself when I have that energy. It just so rarely happens. And no one ever tells you in the moment "hey your being really loud you need to calm down"

They're not going to phrase it as "hey like. Your happiness really comes off as hostility, can you go back to your minimal engagement depression, that's a lot easier to handle" but it feels like that. It feels like the few times I feel good, I have energy to be someone, it's still not in the right way. Even if I got healthy I'd still be a problem.

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Which came first the chicken or the egg lol

Did I start bleeding because I was so stressed or did I have an emotional outburst because I was on my period. Write in the comments what you think the answer is

[sadsaltspeck]

It's been so long since I've been here.

I'm

I keep spiralling in my head. There is a part of me that hopes when I kill myself, there would be change. A righteous anger and stir from a crowd of friends and loved ones and onlookers that something was so deeply wrong. That something has to be done and that this won't happen again.

A different part hopes that I kill myself where I sit. On the creek. Or in the grass. Food for the plants. Nothing more. No funeral. No grand procession. Not even a cardboard box. Just to go forgotten. Nothing changes but myself gone. No longer taking from the world or the people I care about. Everything just carries on.

But it wouldnt be either of those. Change or no change. It would be a dull, emotionally frustrating process for those closest to me. Who will have to process my death for some weeks until they can finally move on. It wouldn't change anything. It would just be more problems. My existence, dead or alive is always a problem.

Whenever I look her in her smug eyes, I know what I am. I am the failure. The leech. The problem child latched to her sister who can't provide her anything she needs. I'm the opposing voter that's an annoyance at best at her victory party. Because in the end I am truly a worm in her shoe. Just disgusting. Inconsequential. Annoying that best, actively a nuisance at worst.

My entire country feels this way about me. About people I care about. I am a negative mark. I'm not bleeding enough. I need to bleed until I die and then I can finally stop complaining for the rest of the country.

After how I snapped I doubt mom and dad are looking for me. They're probably apologizing on my behalf. I'll have to apologize that even trying to remove myself before I outburst further is now seen as an overdramatic response.

Do they even know I left the house?

Dad would care eventually. He would look for me once the dust settled. I'm adding to my debt ruining his birthday. Not really ruining. Just another blemish. Another hiccup on another unremarkable day.

Mom is going to be so angry. She's going to be furious how I spoke to Tia. She already thinks so little of me. I see it in her eyes too. I'm her bad investment. Tia has nothing invested in me. I can be a grub in her eyes. But mom? Just being her daughter she still has to see all the time and effort she put in. 30 years of life utterly wasted. In her eyes I see that I'm this ever growing trash pile. It's a problem that has to be dealt with. But you've put so much into the pile, surely it would make something. Be something.

I am still nothing at 30. I'm about to be 31. I'm so powerless. So useless. At 20 I was more convinced to kill myself because I didn't want to take more from anyone. I resolved to pay back my debt someday. Live another day in hopes I can just undo some of it. I owe more than ever. 10 years and I know I cannot be anything more than this. But I'm still trapped.

I spent so many years of my life trapped with senna on the same thoughts. I'm causing and receiving so much pain. But to end it would be pulling the trolley lever. It would be choosing to inflict pain rather than just falling through life. Letting it happen.

Dad just texted me. I feel like I've been writing this for an hour. I don't know what to do. I don't have the strength to tell him no. I don't have the strength to tell him yes. I don't want anything anymore. I just want the 5hllthoughts to stop. I want to dive into this awful little canal. It's not even deep

Why am I laughing

What a dumb place to die.

Between my home and a highway

In a water runoff.

[sadsaltspeck]

I fantasized of dying from covid while they're gone.

I'm vaccinated and I know its just a cold but I'm so angry that a cold has to hit me now. But dying dying of "natural" causes would be a good loophole. I wouldn't have to kill myself, wouldn't have to burden my family with the knowledge that I committed suicide. On the other hand, awful way to go. They would be sad but they would get over it much quicker if it just happened rather than the alternative. And if I don't go to the hospital, then they won't have any bills there. Although that leaves them with finding my body and that's still extremely unpleasant.

The disappearing idea is still the best, I just don't have the means to do it. Especially since my older sister is still going to be here. She would find a way to rat me out. It would take more than 24 hours to pack up my things, even if it was just to die somewhere in private.

I shouldnt be dreaming like this; I should be sleeping.

Oh it's Thanksgiving and I have absolutely nothing to be thankful for. I dont want to be thankful for having food or shelter or internet because those are all things I have to bleed other people for.

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My most reoccurring fantasy right now is just disappearing one day. Just clearing out every last remnant from me in this house. Driving far far away from it all and finding some small quiet hole to die in. Then I can finally stop taking from the world. and if my body never gets found or identified, my family could think I just ran away and dropped all contact. They could just hate me in peace, or assume that I moved on to go do things without them. That I was finally self sufficient and my own person.

I feel like megan would still know though. She would know and it would hurt her. That's not really fair to her.

I just wish I could scrub my existence without a trace. So many people just die unnoticed.

I wish that wasn't a soothing thought. That at the end of it all my life is so meaningless.

Every day I believe less and less in things I can't confirm.

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I hate that i dream about the day I can cut my parents out of my life, so I can fulfill this stupid arrangement and let them acknowledge exactly the way I feel. Like a tumor being cut out. I feel like the only reason they deal with me is some familial obligation. I know I'm a drain. I know I am a waste of space and resources and you just hope ill go away on my own. I'm just so sick of them using my sister as a new tool to beat me with. It's not fair to her. She KNOWS you're just avoiding dealing with me. She knows you're just clinging to the youngest daughter because you think she has potential and you're finally starting to see I'm just a net loss.

I'm tired of being a tumor but I'm more tired of being reminded of it every time I exist in the same space as them

I want to scream knowing my good days are behind me. Knowing I can't do anything about it and that I never make anything for myself. Every day feels like a countdown for when I die alone on the street. Its an inevitable that I'm just delaying every day I spend here.

So many days I just want to get it over with. I want to run away just to fail. I know I'm incapable. I know I can't function. I know I should die. I just hate it looming over me. I used to fantasize speeches I would tell when I get out of this rut. Then I realized there is no rut. This is the natural course of my life. I was always meant to end up dying in debt to everyone I left behind.

I cant kill myself because it would hurt my sister so much and she's already hurting just as much as me. I wish it weren't complicated. I wish all of them just flat out disliked me so I could break the ties and die and not owe anyone anything anymore.

Im not going to be able to afford even basic happiness. Not even the bathtub moments. Why am I still alive if there is nothing left to live for?

[sadsaltspeck]

I want to die.

The universe keeps hammering in that I will never find fulfillment and the best I can hope for is temporary distractions. I keep seeing everyone around me progress and find success and a purpose and a chance to be more and leave me as they should

And I should just crawl into a ditch somewhere so they can forget me. If my life is going to be insignificant and meaningless I dont want to be a single thought in the minds of people who have a chance.

I'm so tired of watching others succeed and having to smile as I'm reminded that I will always be nothing. I hate that its hard for me to even be happy for anyone else knowing for a fact that I can never be truly happy.

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I'm not functioning. I cant do something as basic as remember a date. No matter how important.no wonder I cant get a job, I cant be depended on for anything

I'm so fucking miserable and pathetic. I want to gut myself. I want to bleed out. Every part of me feels so violently revolting and I see it more every day. I could be better. I could be a normal functioning human being but I dont. And every day I realize more and more that all my misery is my own damn fault.

I'm so tired of complaining to everyone else. I hate taking up space in the world.

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I should have done it that night. The night I was at my uncles house after I graduated and I didn't see a future. I was going to drive my car into the ocean.

That would have been a better end for both of us. Me and that car. Instead that car got lost to 2 stupid taps. I should have died before I spent the next 3 years proving to myself that there wasn't any reason to go on.

[sadsaltspeck]

Any advice out there in the universe for someone whose just sort of numb to the idea of living? I don't want to live anymore...I really wish I wanted to live. I wish I had the motivation to preservere. I wish I had the motivation to die. Just some sort of progress.

But life feels empty. The only reason I live anymore is to play a game or watch a show to distract me from my immobile senescence. I have comfort. But that comfort is impermanent and flawed. That comfort is by utilizing the resources and knowledge of people who will die. And then I'll be alone and have nothing. Even if they lived forever, its more of this. More of this day to day emptiness.

I'm not going anywhere. Better or worse, nothing is going to change for me. And im so tired of waiting for the worst to hit and be left like this.

I keep thinking about hurting myself and I never do. I wish I could commit to one.

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Its done. I quit work. I fail even when everyone is doing their best to drag me along like the dead weight I am.

I dont want to wake up anymore. Theres no point if I cant do anything. Just let me rot.

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I just want someone else to kill me. I dont have the strength to do it myself.

I'm so tired of being useless. I hate this dragging their feet at work. Dont cut the store, dont cut hours. Just fire me. Just slit my throat. Just let me end so everyone can stop pretending like I'm not a weight or that im actually wanted.

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I'm so privileged I dont deserve to be alive.

I'm so tired. I'm so sad and drained the time. The world is on fire around me. Its doing nothing to me, I'm doing nothing for it. And yet I'm so exhausted and unable to function just knowing its out there and im doing nothing because I can't even help myself.

I'm in sales and the mere idea that I'm going to have to call someone in that brainwashed retail tone like nothing is wrong is the most repulsive thing. Every time I think about the fact that im going to have to call customers i want to legitimately kill myself. I feel this sinking in my stomach like who I was as a person died long ago but at least I can be of use to other people and now I can't even do that. People are begging for a job in these times. I have one, A NICE one and I still want to kill myself because of it.

I'm so pathetic and weak willed and overly fucking pampered that something other people would give everything for makes me so unhappy that I keep looking at my exactos. Even when I isolate and left to myself to rot in my depression, I still find ways to be a horrible person.

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This whole quarantine is just showing how much of a useless person I am. I cant understand any of this working from home stuff my job. It just proves I never deserved a better position and I'm never going to get it. Because all I can do with my life is shitty retail. It's all I'm good for is standing and faking smiles and I cant even do that anymore.

I'm an absolute waste of space and resources. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep and not wake up. Theres no hope for me, I'm just going to be slogging forever in a job I hate and never improving.

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If I get this job, I should turn it down and kill myself.

I'm taking up someone else's spot. Someone who deserves to be here. I only got anywhere because of millie. If she wasnt there every fucking step of the way, I would have shat myself and done nothing at all.

She deserves better than me. Everyone deserves better than me. Even people who are just fuckign worrying about me have uprooted time and energy on a nothing.

Every second, every breath, I breathe someone else's air, I eat someone else's food, I take and I take and I provide nothing. The very least I can do is kill myself and stop taking.

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I hate that I get depressed at other people's success. Its absolute bullshit.

See good art? Why can't I do that?

See meh/bad at but they have an art job at a fucking world class company? What the fuck, why can't that be me?

And right now I'm looking as my SO who I'm so proud is doing great. Doesnt even have a college degree but is a graphic designer for a company and is already doing ad shit for verison and companies in India and shit and is impressing their bosses and is totally going to move up and be big and successful.

I should be happy. This is so amazing. And yet theres some disgusting bitter part sitting in my gut going "why are YOU still HERE? You have the finest degree from the finest school yet you can't find a fucking art job? Pathetic. You're going to be here forever. You haven't done anything with your life in 2 years. You just do the same shit over and over and don't look to improve."

Everyone else does everything for me. I'm not even my own person. I'm someone else's doll to dress up and drive around and if someone else isn't funneling their money or time and effort into me, I sit on a shelf and do NOTHING.

I hate myself. I'm going to be doing the same thing forever until I kill myself or end up dying in some stupid fucking accident. God I still wish I was dead and yet I know I can't die because that would just be worse on everyone. I just feel empty.

I should break up. I feel like I'm leading them on anyways. They have such love and passion and I have nothing.