sagaofkim

[sagaofkim]

So, it finally clicked that while the average person does in fact broadly comprehend that people are neither good nor evil - they're good and bad, and have free will - they also can't understand why some people would fully commit themselves to completely awful causes or to being a terrible person throughout their entire lives. They can't really picture how this works, because they can't imagine themselves choosing to die on a hill of Being A Terrible Person.

This void in their comprehension is where the myth of the Ontologically Evil Person is very likely to come and settle in sooner or later, because it seems to finally provide an answer that makes sense of otherwise senseless cruelty and violence. Agonizing questions like "Why would my boyfriend spend so much energy on making me feel like shit and breaking me down?" "Why would this historical figure decided to kill all of these people?" and "Why would this guy go start a cult and murder everyone?" are finally given an answer, and the formerly-bewildered person finally has some peace of mind.

Because of this, the myth of the Ontologically Evil Person is incredibly hard to get out of people's minds once it takes root. For one thing, bad ideas are like bad habits; it doesn't really work to tell people to Just Stop With Them, because without something else to take its place? They're going to fall back on it.

And if somebody's been traumatized from abuse? The last thing they want to hear is that they're basically dehumanizing their abuser and that's not cool, because it feels to them like the other person is taking their abuser's side and telling them to get fucked. Even if this not what's happening, the survivor's brain is currently operating on fight/flight/fawn/freeze mode, and a brain operating fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode is keyed to making snap decisions to try and remove you from the danger as soon as possible, which means categorizing everything into black and white. This person couldn't care less about the history of eugenics right now; literally all they care about is being safe.

"Okay, so if the Ontologically Evil Person doesn't exist, how the hell do you explain those fuckers over there?" some of you are probably asking.

Here's the deal. Literally every human being alive can and will do terrible things if they're sufficiently scared and desperate. They're in no position to appreciate that nearly all asshole behavior can be explained by a lack of critical social and self-management skills, or by a lack of access to self-improvement (including being too traumatized to trust means of self-improvement).

People who are scared, insecure, and under high levels of stress will often cling to anything that makes them feel better, because they want to feel safe and secure and not in psychological and/or physical agony. (Stress does an absolute number on your body, too.)

Being reliant on a shitty behavior, belief system, or product for some measure of feeling secure and safe is how you get people saying things like "If I didn't act mean, everyone would just walk all over me!" or "I was really depressed before I found this, so if I gave it up I'm going to get depressed again, and I might hurt myself." (And there might be some truth to this one! This might indeed happen if they give it up cold turkey, and without finding an alternative!) It's how you get people conducting """scientific""" studies to """prove""" that their bigotry is totally justified and not at all irrational. ("Well of course these people are genetically inferior, they wouldn't be poor and disease-ridden if they weren't... what do you mean, systemic inequality and uneven healthcare access? No that's obviously fake and made up by More Bad People.")

People also act in unhealthy ways to deal with personal insecurities implanted by parents or society. You have people out there whose parents drummed it into their heads that second place was for worthless losers, or that no one would love them if they didn't look or act a certain way. You have people who absorbed the idea that acknowledging the basic humanity of shitty people means that they have to forgive them and personally help them get better and just suffer through the abuse in the meantime.

This is how people choose to die on the hill of Being A Terrible Person. They weren't ontologically evil. They were scared, and they thought they saw a fortress on the top of that hill that would keep them (and perhaps also their loved ones) safe.

[sagaofkim]

[sagaofkim]

guys, i've been inactive for 60 days. sorry yall. but here's one for today

[sagaofkim]

If you're willing, with you I'd like to try

[ never love an anchor, the crane wives // love from a distance, richard siken // simply together, alina malykhina // strawberry wine, noah kahan // the world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire, ritika jyala // emma, jane austen // never alone, sharon cummings // poetry, mine ]

[sagaofkim]

[sagaofkim]

[sagaofkim]

i keep finding memorabilla of my past--random notes, pages ive filled with words, sheets of paper i’ve drawn on, pictures i’ve painted. they’re all glimpses of the versions of me that were more successful. 

but i keep having to remind myself that those versions of me were successful then, and they led me to where i am now. 

i might not like myself or wherever i am now, but if i succeed here, i will look back at me now with the same fondness as i do now. i shall not get stuck at tyring to become who i was before. instead, i will become a wiser version. i will draw, paint, and write again but with brighter and compassionate eyes. 

i am not who i was before, and i never will. i will look back, but not with regret. not anymore. i will smile. i will appreciate. 

i will live the essence of life: create, make, enjoy, care, and love. i have lived life. and i will continue to. 

[sagaofkim]

musings on things; an attempt to commodify myself so i could finally fit in with society's standards of productivity

this came to me in a dream... jk my brain went berserk.

it's important to have a second-brain notebook for my random epiphanies, lightbulb moments. my adhd brain cannot handle just trusting my brain to remember it for when i need that info.

besides, it'll help improve retention and recall, combat information overload, and support knowledge sharing.

it apparently takes 30 minutes to get in the "zone". it needs to be uninterrupted. and efficient, productive work can only be good for four to five hours a day, so we have to stretch it. how?

prioritize. categorize (sync or async?)

identify roles per day. what are we today? the maker or the manager?

time box. stick to it. announce for accountability and to be off limits.

weekly resets are important.

rewards are also important. i need to make a list of rewards and play i can look at when i want to take a break. the break shall not involve social media. socializing, yes, but not social media.

planning a task needs a lot of things, at least for my pea-sized brain:

the task, of course.

deadline

dependencies

breakdown -> milestones

how much effort is needed/weight

importance, impact (related to dependencies)

an Eisenhower matrix is helpful

a reflection is like a project status report. it may or may not need the following:

project name (oplan kim's brain needs help. and jesus. jesus' help.)

period

decide when to reflect and then adapt. weekly and monthly maybe. the daily could just be a brain dump instead.

timeline

scope

categories. what parts and aspects of your life this reflection covers. focus!

status

achievements

important metrics

blockers

action items/next steps

praise/shoutouts/gratitude

stakeholders

identify who this is for.

just gonna emphasize the four to five hour timeframe for productivity. practice. protect it.

maybe try pomodoro with larger chunks. once into a state of deep work, ignore the timer. or have a shorter break.

in time blocking, schedule buffers.

track productivity.

when were you creative today? when did you get creative?

try to find a new environment when you're starting to get restless.

for habitats, no failing two days in a row. do it even if half assed.

i think that's it. get out of my brain.

[sagaofkim]

i swear. i was going to write about something else. but i saw the red paint and i immediately remembered you—

—i’ve never looked at red and saw love. i didn’t really see colors as anything. not until that night.

since that night, red is you.

[sagaofkim]

there’s a certain kind of hurt in realizing that i can’t even say what i want to say out loud, all in hopes of denying that maybe it’s the truth.

[redacted]. it would have been a mistake. i think it would have ruined everything. and maybe i’d be writing about it now if you did, how i [redacted].

but i think most of all, i wish i didn't think of you [redacted]. [redacted]. [redacted].

i should not. i shouldnt be doing this. your absence has never been so painful as tonight.

ill erase it here. ill remove it from my mind. i cant promise you that, but if you want me to, just say so, and ill do my best.

[sagaofkim]

actually, i read this tweet that said the human want to put ourselves into labels is of a capitalist nature. apparently it's because we think that this way, we can profit/use/utilize or whatever ourselves in a way that's more easily understandable

instead of just being complex human beings, we try to simplify ourselves, crush our humanity into digestible pieces for consumption

and i thought that was so interesting. and, at least in my life, so right.

ive been avoiding _being known_ the past weeks. idk. ive grown tired of getting people to know me. im a contradiction. im hard to get to know. i try to put myself in a box—trying to put my feelings and actions into logic so that i could somehow call myself a type or a brand or a title. but i shouldn't.

i used to think the problem was that i didnt know who i was. but i read somewhere that if you focus too much on finding who you are, you lose the essence of life. you just start making yourself up as you go.

and so i thought about it a lot. life. my circles. the love i give. the love i want to receive.

and i dont think ill ever receive it. maybe i will, but perhaps not with my current circles.

or or maybe i will. i just have to stop putting myself out there and just wait for worthy people (like what ive done with my healthy and successful romance).

again, i want to stop putting myself in a box, under a label, or whatever. hell ive already started with my gender and sexuality.

i like things, i dont like things. that's it.

[sagaofkim]

ive been avoiding _being known_ the past weeks. idk. ive grown tired of wanting people to know me. im a contradiction. im hard to get to know. i try to put myself in a box—trying to understand my feelings and actions with logic (to simplify and/or it to a single thing in my brain) so that i could somehow call myself a type or a brand or a title. but i shouldn't.

i used to think the problem was that i didnt know who i was. but i read somewhere that if you focus too much on finding who you are, you lose the essence of life. you just start making yourself up as you go.

and so i thought about it a lot. life. my circles. the love i give. the love i want to receive.

and i dont think ill ever receive it. maybe i will, but perhaps not with my current circles.

or or maybe i will. i just have to stop putting myself out there and just wait for worthy people (like what ive done with my healthy and successful romance).

again, i want to stop putting myself in a box, under a label, or whatever. hell ive already started with my gender and sexuality.

i like things, i dont like things. that's it.

[sagaofkim]

i think whatever hope i have left for my family chips away every day every time any of them opens their mouth. i can't believe anyone can be that egotistical and self-absorbed. i used to think when i read about shitty parents on the internet that at least my parents weren't that bad.

but nah. they are. they secretly were all this time. and no, it's not because im maturing now and i finally realize how bad it is. i think it's them dealing with the fact that their children are grown now—something they've openly abhorred—and can no longer be brainwashed.

their strategies have shifted from little crumbs of manipulation to outbursts and explosions of gaslighting, self-victimizing, and authoritarianism. they care less about showing what they should be showing us as parents and more about what they weren't able to be when they were children.

ive been parenting my parents. at a time i need to parent myself the most.

[sagaofkim]

sweet man ashton irwin ily

[sagaofkim]

i care less about what kind of content i post on here now -- i guess the liberty of not really feeling pressured to have followers here (and the coinciding existential crisis aka identity rebuilding thats currently going on in my life) helps

anyway lizzy mcalpine has an npr tiny desk concert !! and i think bob boilen put into words what i love about lizzy’s music:

cinematic, quiet, explosive

listen to the concert here! i hope she has a manila concert soon 

[sagaofkim]

file name: whatever the fuck you meant by “the power of friendship” anyway

[sagaofkim]

so, in our law class, we learned that “the people created the government through the constitution,” which is basically “a contract between the people and the state.” this implies and succinctly demonstrates just how people are powerful in a democratic country.

while reading a book, i found this quote:

powerful, right? revolutionary. almost anarchist if you think about it.

but how do we feel knowing it’s said by a segregationist populist--a trump from the 1970s?