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the way I wish for this everytime I open my eyes

DREAM.

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Slimmer face.

Cheekbones.

Jawline.

Gap between your legs.

Curves your skeleton has - not fat-related.

Waist-hip-ratio.

Rib cage. Hip bones.

Slim upper arms.

Slim lower arms.

Putting your skinny fingers around

your skinny wrist.

Touching your collarbones which are only covered by skin. Not fat.

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Being skinny is my roman empire

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for my happiness.

starving for yourself >>>

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“If I had just continued, I would have been at my GW already”

So continue. Time is going to keep passing anyway, you might as well do it right this time.

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I've been in forced recovery for a few months but I'm back and I'm so much better!! I'm moving out of my parents home in February yayy!! This means that I get to live how I want to live with no restrictions. I'm looking forward to this year because I will reach my ugw no matter what. I have zero excuses not to so yeah. really looking forward to living alone with my empty fridge and spend all that money I would've spent on groceries on new clothes! can't wait to make a post by the end of this year saying "hey guys I reached my ugw and even went beyond that." I deserve nothing but peace and happiness this year and nothing will stop me. 💕🤍 also enjoy some of my favorite pins and whispers💞

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is it just me or is the first day the hardest to get through?? 😭

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Are you my ugw? Because i'd do anything for you ;) (ed rizz)

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this book has me in a chokehold<33333

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I got my period and regained 2kg yay me! I want to unalive myself rn.

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I think I'm officially losing my mind but in the best way possible. here's a fun thing that just happened:

I'm sitting in my room doing homework and my dad walks in. he sits on my bed and holds out a juice box for me and says: "hey I just wanted to chill with you before you move out. here's a juice box."

so then I drink the juice officially breaking my 45 hours and 35 minutes of a water fast.

then he says, "you're not eating much lately"

me, "uh yeah I'm just not really hungry I guess"

"you're losing so much weight and I'm worried. I don't want you to be anorexic" he says with literally the most concern I've ever heard from him to me.

"haha I'm not anorexic I'm just not really hungry these days that's all (fucking liar)" at this point I'm literally fighting not to smile lmao

"well will you have dinner tonight? you didn't eat last night either"

"uhm well I'm not really hungry..."

"but you didn't eat last night either... how will your mom feel about you skipping dinner again?"

"okay then I'll come to the table but I can't promise that I'll finish the food"

"why aren't you eating... you're so thin now"

"well I thought you wanted me to be thin" I said this because it's genuinely one of the things that triggered my body image issues even as a child because he'd always compare me to my skinny model sister.

"no... that's not what I want... I just want you to be you... I can't imagine you as thin as your sister... you're perfect as you are"

"well new year, new me I guess."

then he changed the topic but what I'm saying is that he called me ANOREXIC AND FINALLY SEEMS TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME GUYS!!!

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soo update on life this week...i haven't eaten anything in 42 hours and I've 2kg so far and I'm trying to see if my self control will let me get to 48hours. I guess we'll find out lol

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literally me everyday

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List of Ana & Mia Songs:

1. Kent - We Need To Eat

2. Carbon Carousel - Skinny

3. ElysianSoul - Waitig to be Weightless

4. Nicole Dollanganger - Please Eat

5. Nicole 12 -Ballerina

6. Fiona Apple - Paper Bag

7. Dollyrots - Skinny

8. Mellow Melange - Anorexia Nervosa

9. Stage - Live Happy, Live With Anorexia

10. Gianmarco Leone - Anorexia

11. Corinna Fugate - Blood Red Bracelet

12. Skylar Grey - Invisible

13. Picture Me Broken - Skin and Bones

14. r00k - Eat

15. Svavar Knútur - Emotional Anorexic

16. r00k - Anorexic

17. Huntingtons - Annie’s Anorexic

18. Pulp - Anorexic Beauty

19. Silverchair - Ana’s Song (Open Fire)

20. Saturday Supercade - Penny is an Anorexic

21. Eleanor McEvoy - Sophie

22. Polly Scattergood - I Hate the Way

23. Los Campesinos! - The Sea Is A Good Place To Think Of The Future

24. Dead Celebrity Status - Someone I Once Knew

25. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Me and Mia

26. Geri Karlstrom - Starving for Attention

27. Lisa Loeb - She’s Falling Apart

28. Maria Mena - Eyesore

29. Mickey Avalon - So Rich, So Pretty

30. Filter - Skinny

31. Pompeii - Numbers

32. Outcast Youth - Genevieve

33. King Adorable - Big Isn’t Beautiful

34. Jill Sobule - Lucy at the Gym

35. Juliana Hatfield - Feed Me

36. From First to Last - World War Me

37. Superchick - Courage

38. Mother Mother - Body

39. Garbage - Bleed Like Me

40. Wale - 90210

🕊Feel free to add more, and remember I am not running this blog to support people into Ed’s, I’m running it because I need it for me and I know how it feels to feel like you’re alone if that makes sense.🐇

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alright then after that rant and mental breakdown I've had a bit of an introspection and tried to reevaluate my life rn.

1. so I've decided to try to get out of carrying a packed lunch and to make sure that any money I have doesn't go toward anything food related by all costs. if I can't get out of carrying lunch I will make it a point to leave the sandwiches home somehow and just have the fruit and popcorn. I will not go over 500cals per day from now on.

2. dinner is a little tougher to navigate and get out of but I've decided that I might have to go back to purging if I go over that 500kcal daily limit I'm setting myself because I can't afford to gain any weight.

the 500cal limit is only for the upcoming week and then I will go back to fasting on alternate days the following week and making sure I'm taking supplements and lots of water on fasting days. to get out of dinner on my fasting days I've decided to chew and spit because I will not ruin a 24 hour fast with carbs.

3. self control is something I have and if it means absolutely fighting myself everyday that is exactly what I'm planning to do. I know that I can do it.

4. about the depression... I have no solution rn.

5. exercise is still another thing I don't have the time to do because of rehearsals sooo I guess I just have to stick to my restrictions and hope that I lose some weight.

6. I'll try my best to stay positive about my weight loss because even though I can't see it it's clearly working cause everyone else sees it but I will only be content when I get to 55kgs and that's that.

okay so this is all in motion from tomorrow

no going over 500cals. self control is my best friend and get in 10k steps. and try to be a little more positive.

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okay so usually I'm pretty optimistic about my weight loss but I've been so discouraged lately and I'm extremely disappointed in myself. so here is a rant so I can hopefully get over it and get back to trying my best and being positive.

so this week I've been back in classes and around people again and it's been a real task to not eat because I spend all my time around these people who are always snacking and eating and my self control hasn't got back to being as strong as before so I easily find myself getting a snack like everyone else. my mom has commented a lot on my weightloss and has been making sure I leave the house with a full lunch like a sandwich and fruit and fruit juice as well and my safe food popcorn. I usually try to just eat the fruit and popcorn only but sitting at lunch with a bunch of people eating their sandwiches when mine is also just sitting in my bag easily triggers me into eating as well. After my classes I have rehearsals for a show I'm doing and honestly the rehearsals really are taxing on my body and not eating simply does not sustain me enough to go through 4 hours of dancing nonstop without fainting (trust me it's happened already). that means eating that sandwich if I hadn't already which just makes me feel like an absolute piece of shit. I have not been doing any workouts because the dance for my upcoming show is enough exercise and I've honestly not been drinking much water either. and my parents have enforced eating as a family at the table every night and I'm not allowed to skip.

so that's what the whole week has looked like so far and here's my issues with everything happening:

1. the guilt of not eating the packed lunch eats me up and besides that I genuinely need that food because I keep fainting.

2. I'm not seeing a difference on the scale at all.... I've been stiing on the same weight úall week and it's literally so frustrating... I mean it's better than gaining weight but my goal was to get to 60kg by the end of the month so I'm feeling like garbage.

3. sitting at the table is awful. I definitely get a much smaller portion than everyone else but my sister who knows about my ed side eyes me the entire time and it makes me feel awful. the topic of dinner every night also seems to get to how I'm rapidly losing weight so that's fucking uncomfortable when you're sitting there for 30 minutes just listening to people say you're losing weight too fast and that's unhealthy or whatever.

4. despite the scale showing me that I've lost weight I don't feel any different and it makes me want to die to see myself in the mirror.... actually maybe that's the anorexia but still I want to start feeling different. I still feel like I'm 77kgs.

5. I feel like I'm the problem really. I'm not doing any workouts besides dance and maybe that's my I'm not losing weight. also why the hell do I need to eat. I literally have so much fat on my body that I should be able to live without food and get through dance. also why is my self control non existant??? why does my stomach keep grumbling everytime I see people eat??? I'm stronger than this and I know this because I literally was doing sooo well last month :( I don't know what to do with myself and my depression has been getting worse again. I wake up every morning and immediately want to be dead.

okay so moving forward what the hell do I need to do because I'm absolutely loosing my mind at this point.