sailingeverynight

[sailingeverynight]

i had a whole weekend by myself

the goods: time spent with no compromises and just however I felt which is nice. social battery is recovered. I finally watched The worst person in the world which I wanted to watch for months and years and it was as good as I thought. I baked plum crumble (buckwheat mixed with oats which was okayish) and made (good) soup and a walnut pesto (from scratch) and kitchen time is always rewarding. got a bit of reading done (even if it was just a graphic novel but it's so gripping). did something I procratinated for a long period. watched og youtube vloggers going out in London, making me feel soothed and calm in a nostalgic and parasocial nice way.

the bads: had to think about the fig anthology from Sylvia Plath. about how different my life would be if other things happened, or things happened differently. anxiety crept up on me on sunday evening with all things I wanted to do and needed to do. watched people having breakfast in a cafè together or going on a walk hand in hand or going shopping and I felt lonesome. and sometimes it's fine and it's good and I need to be alone. but sometimes I don't want to be. I felt like Saoirse Ronan playing Jo March in Little Woman, really felt that 'I'm so lonely.' And I spoke with no one I love today which probably does something bad for the brain. and I could change it but I don't and I don't know why. and sometimes I just overthink things and I think of things and how it could be differently (even if they could never) and I think of someone I like and what it would be like to just have a casual sunday together - from freshly made pancakes to walking to a new coffee shop to meeting up with a befriended couple to lying head on chest or hands in hands or feet in lap on the couch watching a sequel to a movie series we love. and I think of the guy I matched with on a dating app and what life would be like with him but I try try try to stop romanticising every word. then I remember what I look like and that my period is annoyingly late and that I still need to do the dishes and clean up my shoes and I am angry at myself that even though I had almost no plans I still didn't do all the chores and monday creeps around the corner and the worst part is: i don't want to do all this every.single. fucking. week. again. it's always the same and I don't like my job and it's all so exhausting. I feel like it's all wasted - all this time, all this effort and not-effort when I'm procratinating and not activly doing anything. in the words of a new favourite film I've just seen: 'I feel like a spectator in my own life. Like I'm playing a supporting role in my own life.' and I don't know if I can change that.;

[sailingeverynight]

it was never gonna work out but i experienced all these seemingly profound unreplicable moments that were romantic and moving and made me feel alive and still none of it actually means anything in the long run. but thats okay. sometimes a beautiful moment is just that. a moment. and you have to leave it alone and just be grateful that it happened. woooow

[sailingeverynight]

Devin Kelly, “How to Drown”

[sailingeverynight]

Because whatever lovesick feelings there are,

I want them with you

And for whatever dreams and goals and imaginations there are,

I want us to share them

[sailingeverynight]

does he know?

is he thinking about me too? like that?

not like that. don’t think that’s possible. not for him in his situation.

but I’m thinking about him like that.

like secret shared moments, always sensing him, looking for him, listening to his conversations, analyzing and imagining meaning behind every move and every glance, like craving his touch and his attention, like adoring when he says my name and brings up Taylor and makes a sassy comment.

like I really, really want him.

[sailingeverynight]

Adonis, tr. by Khaled Mattawa, Selected Poems

[sailingeverynight]

Ocean Vuong, from “To My Father / To My Future Son”, Night Sky with Exit Wounds

[sailingeverynight]

I'm so scared of his (him meaning a general him) reaction about having so many firsts yet to live. Not knowing what I might want or like or how to do anything. how to behave with someone you like and it being a mutual feeling. because I never had it. how to talk about vulnerable things and difficult things and so, so shameful things. i don't feel brave enough. I already feel my eyes closing, tears flooding, mouth mumbling, I don't want any reaction or just a short "okay, it's fine" but I know deep down I crave more, god, I really want him to but his arms around me and kiss and kiss and hug me and don't let me go. it's so so scary I want to keep at distance and never say or do anything. but then there's this significant part that want to give love (or lust or fun or anything good) a shot and says "it's fine, it's time, come on". and I really should listen to that inner voice, and not pretend to know how people would react. I will try, I will try.

[sailingeverynight]

okay,

seems real (again)

I mean I do think about him. I do think of him and my heart sinks in this delicious, warm way.

And I really like him and his vibe and his voice and his opinions and his smile.

And I have this picture of him walking up to me on that sunday morning, coming towards me with his bike and an endearing, hopeful look on his face and I remember how I really felt different than the times before. Immediately feeling good.

And for what it's worth. I like the tiny grey streaks in his beard and in his hair, and the bridge of his nose and his freckles and how does he have the softest-looking skin? I adore his front tooth, instantly got attached to that one thing. I like how he started to say my name by the third date. And how he was good at making fun at things but being serious and nice and supportive at things as well. How he looked when I said something and he was pleasantly surprised. How we talk and talk but also just keep quiet and it feels fine. He seems so confident and calm and polite and nice in such a good way. In a very, very good way.

[sailingeverynight]

ok but like! imagine waking up next to someone!! and kissing them good morning!!! and reluctantly getting up even though their embrace is so warm!!!! and brushing your teeth together and eating breakfast together and being together!!!!

[sailingeverynight]

summer of indulgences. takeout for dinner two nights in a row. glass after glass of cold peach juice. scratching mosquito bites for the sensuous pleasure of it. climbing past the point of my fingers giving out. taking the long way home. gently pressing the bruises on my heart just to feel the twinge

[sailingeverynight]

[sailingeverynight]

Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

[sailingeverynight]

happy november to girls with too many freckles, boys like prickly anemones, horses mistaken for ponies, stallions racing on clifftops, the fanciful moods of fathers, weeping skies, people who take their time at the sink, owners of cars as red as sin, women who could cut your heart out neat, men who are not only dapper but clever, concertina players, bakers that have a generous hand with cinnamon, sock-loving dogs, and children born from vinegar who need to be bathed in sugar

[sailingeverynight]

The legacies people leave behind in you.

My handwriting is the same style as the teacher’s who I had when I was nine. I’m now twenty one and he’s been dead eight years but my i’s still curve the same way as his.

I watched the last season of a TV show recently but I started it with my friend in high school. We haven’t spoken in four years.

I make lentil soup through the recipe my gran gave me.

I curl my hair the way my best friend showed me.

I learned to love books because my father loved them first.

How terrifying, how excruciatingly painful to acknowledge this. That I am a jigsaw puzzle of everyone I have briefly known and loved. I carry them on with me even if I don’t know it. How beautiful.

[sailingeverynight]

meeting people & growing apart from them & meeting new people & growing apart from them too & meeting other people & eventually growing apart from them as well & on and on and on

[sailingeverynight]

it still comes as a surprise that closeness cannot be achieved from a safe distance