sanityandsilence

[sanityandsilence]

There are people after me. I’m gonna die tonight. I want my family to know that I love them.

[sanityandsilence]

Hate due the program walls and love is funny game not game just cause love is weight scroll. Monsters eat darkness

[sanityandsilence]

Who the fuck would want to love a person like me. I see things that aren’t real, I hear things that aren’t really, I have dillusional thoughts, I have catatonic episodes, and I get brain fog. I’m too much for someone to put up with. People only want to be around me when I’m useful and not when I’m ill.

For those who also suffer with this condition, I wish you luck in finding what you want in life.

May you all have happy lives.

[sanityandsilence]

Beach stop scrolling through tumblr.

[sanityandsilence]

Late the walls walk the buzz loud. No action for the gossip fast. Cloudy thoughts think hard for monsters and shadows. Must stay or gossip people stab for life. Works hard in project for walls to wear high boots in shower.

[sanityandsilence]

Dissociative states are getting longer. I just came out of one that lasted about 5 hours. I feel like very soon I will blink and it will be months in the future. I hope someone finds me when I go into that state. I’m scared no one will find me.

[sanityandsilence]

I am laying in bed doing breathing exercises. I feel terribly afraid that I might be kidnapped tonight and taken away by a group of people who are out to get me. I know this is irrational but the fear it invokes is terrifying. I don’t feel I can ask anyone for help. I feel weak and a bother to others.

[sanityandsilence]

Good news! My doctor told me to stop taking the parkingsons medication. I’m no long having visual or audio hallucination. Although, I’m having tremors in my legs. It is still not as bad as the full body tremors I was having earlier!

[sanityandsilence]

So I am starting to get tremors from the anti psychotics. My doctor said that this is a serious problem and could become life long if we don’t get it under control. So he cut back my medication dosage at the same time he prescribed me a Parkinson’s medication to stop the full body tremors. I think the side effects of this new drug are terrible. I have felt nauseous all night. Combined with dizziness, blurry vision, and dry mouth. Not to mention I am seeing and hearing more things than usual. I feel overwhelmed. I’ve been doing my breathing exercises my therapist taught me but they only go so far. I want something to take this all away from me. I just want to feel normal again. I keep seeing monsters surrounding my bed and I hear muffled screams coming from outside my window. Plus there is a rythmic drum and someone whispering into my ear. I’m hitting sensory overload. I’m not tired at all but I just want to sleep so I don’t have to deal with this!

[sanityandsilence]

It do be like that

[sanityandsilence]

When I’m looking into mental illnesses and things start sounding familiar

[sanityandsilence]

Jack and Jill

A negative auditory hallucinations that I’ve named Jack and Jill were present today. I named them because they seem to tear at whatever is bothering me and one voice is a male and the other is a female. Today they were telling me that no medical school would accept me because I have schizophrenia (this is an irrational fear I have). As such I spent quite a bit of time today fearing for my future. It also brought up the more troubling fact that I still have difficulty ignoring my hallucinations and dealing with them constructively. They tried to talk me out of taking my medications tonight which I did not allow them to do. Anyways, they were just troublesome.

[sanityandsilence]

Christmas and Paranoia

On Christmas Day while with my family, I began to believe that I was being targeted by snipers outside. As a result, I tried to drop to the floor and army crawl around to avoid getting shot. My brother stopped me from doing this. As a result 5 of my family members placed a hand on me to try and calm me down. This had a negative effect on my paranoid delusion and I began to fear what my family members were going to do to me. I thought they were going to harm me in some way. The only one I did not think would harm me was my grandmother, which was kind of strange. This is a cautionary that sometimes things that might mean to be comforting can actually be harming a person.

[sanityandsilence]

Strain of hallucinating

Sometimes it gets tiring always questioning whether or not something is real or inside your head. For example, the other day I saw a wreath hovering over the street at night. I did a reality check with my girlfriend who told me that the wresth actually existed. Things that are out of the ordinary I often pass off as in my head even if they are real.

[sanityandsilence]

Student with schizophrenia

Key tip: do all your homework when you don’t have disorganized thoughts or are hallucinating. I hallucinated new questions that weren’t asked on the assignment.

[sanityandsilence]

Feelings

There is a feeling of brokenness that accompanies the inability to trust one’s own senses. In the same regard, there is a closeness that is gained between friends and family that you have to rely on to be able to function.

[sanityandsilence]

Hallucinations

When you laugh a little bit because unplugging the microwave makes it stop talking to you.