saph-graff

[saph-graff]

Stone Cold, on Hold

[saph-graff]

Growth, infection, decay, but mostly just boredom

[saph-graff]

Bit of an art dump from the last few months

[saph-graff]

accidentally posted this on my main but ya, here ya go.

Dead Dogs Go To Heaven

[saph-graff]

also we fucked up as a society the moment we started telling teens and aspiring artists to conflate being an artist with building a brand as if the two things are inextricable. the name of the game if you want to share your art is to work a job and sell yourself as aesthetizied content. back in my day we could just POST SHIT. to deviantart! what the fuck!

[saph-graff]

why cant you just believe me?

why cant you trust when i say i understand the risks?

why is it always about how uncomfortable it makes you and not about how uncomfortable i already am?

why do you feel the need to remind me that you dont believe that i can make decisions for myself?

why cant i not know for sure?

why do my thoughts have to be so confident but your actions are unquestionable?

why dont i get to make a mistake? potentially make a mistake.

why dont we just stop talking about this.

ive had this conversation a million times with a million people all just as important to me and all just as willing to remind me that they still think this is just a phase. that if i wanted to i could still come back if i gave it up. that i might not want this one day.

like this didnt save my life.

why do i have to prove myself every step i take?

why does every breath that leaves my body have to be used to defend myself?

lets talk about something else.

your concern doesnt concern me.

for every question you ask ive asked myself a thousand more. you think i dont know what you mean?

that you still see- when you look me in the eyes.

that your comfort is the condition for your love and support.

and now youre uncomfortable.

oh you dont want to talk about this anymore.

your discomfort is righteous, its loving, and nurturing and protective.

my discomfort is tearing our family apart.

my discomfort is why our relationship is crumbling.

my discomfort is why your life is imploding.

my discomfort is why you still call me-

my discomfort is why im not there for christmas.

just.

fucking.

drop it.

im sorry for yelling.

i dont want to talk about this anymore.

[saph-graff]

little art dump from a class i was taking

[saph-graff]

just scribbling my name on stuff just feels so... empty. branching out a bit.

[saph-graff]

tonights doodle :)

looks kinda cute i think

[saph-graff]

"lol why are you following the boobs and ass artist" why do you think I'm following the boobs and ass artist. do you think I go to the grocery store ironically too

[saph-graff]

i want to hurt you. and i want you to tell me that you love me when i do.

its so beautiful to see you in pain.

the marks on your skin,

the way your body tenses in reaction to my touch.

the way you relax when you remember its me.

that you trust me.

the way your breath gets deeper, and evens as you try and calm yourself.

its so beautiful to see you in pain.

the tranquility of it.

the trust i put in you.

to reassure me this is what you want.

that its ok for me to hurt you.

because i want to hurt you. and i want to tell you i love you when i do.

[saph-graff]

new outfit for her. slowly accepting this is, in fact, my fursona.

[saph-graff]

some doodles from tonight

[saph-graff]

every time i come up for a breath i feel the pull

the weight of every second of my life sifting through my fingers.

every glance away from the conversation an eternity to reminisce,

to find beauty, to long, to grieve.

while driving i no longer see my destination, but thousands of lives all playing out around me, all beautiful and meaningful in their own right.

innumerable struggles, infinite joys,

an uncountable amount of small kindnesses, community, and love,

overwhelming anger, limitless pain.

and yet, all finite just the same.

in the darkness of every blink i feel my heart slip from grasp.

in the melancholy of every sunset i feel the violent twisting of fear in my soul.

the distance between here and now, and now and later is just the same,

unpredictable.

the fear of a child holding tightly to their mothers legs

the fear of a life lived unfulfilled, unrealized, and without want.

desire for meaning, for truth, to be complete.

to be loved.

i dont want to die.

i need.

[saph-graff]

hopefully paint pens dont fade as fast as sharpie does

[saph-graff]

more from [redacted] + my new marker 😈

[saph-graff]

[redacted]