sapphicstarlightsunrise

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

So its so funny how things happen ill tell y'all. I thought she was gonna be gone for a while for work and that i would break my own heart by having her out of sight out of mind. But what ended up happening is i saw her a good amount but honestly i think that helped? Like ive hit a point where i know it wont happen and im fine with that while also still pining but not as hard. Like we hangout fine i feel like i can just be her normal friend while hanging out i just have a few things that make me pause or blush but it doesn't feel as electric anymore like its really is just shifting into a friendship which is nice. But then there's the half of my that still has a crush and is desperate for a girlfriend that wants to wonder what if she does like me back or if i just give it time maybe something will happen. I really dont think it will happen honestly i think I'm her loser lesbian friend and you know what thats okay. She doesn't treat me like anything more than a friend or actually imply anything or use me so yeah as long as we stay chill friends i think ill be fine ill let the electricity die out on its own. The worst part is that little part that still wants to push thru and pine its just annoying like thats my friend i dont wanna think about her while im trying to fall asleep go away! But whatever ill deal till its gone. As long as i can act normal and not get caught (aka die of embaressment) ill say mission sucess.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

Okay so past couple days have been fine i guess. We hung out a lot yesterday i feel like there were things that were said that made me do that freeze thing and i didnt like it but whatever i dont care at this point. I think seriously the best way past this is thru it. I need to get it thru my thick heart that its not gonna happen so exposure therapy, just act like a normal person around her try and shake it off when im not with her. I really just wanna get over it, im back on that. I dont know right now i just feel honestly a little numb. I had a total disaster of an outing with my family last night and i just totally broke down and cried for a while. And like i know that it was my family upset me but once i got in my room i just broke down and it was suddenly like i was crying about everything that i have going on right now. Work, my car, my living situation, her, just general life anxiety about the future. It all came out with that cry like im emotionally frazzled and that was a reset that put me on low to recharge. I just feel on low and like i know its not because of her specifically but i know that it isn't helping so that's awesome. So idk if ill see her for the next few days which is an ironic twist of fate of pushing thru. Whatever i dont care again im numb so idek if i could be fun so its fine actually. I really think i just need a reset and hopefully that will also help my poor little pathetic heart.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

Its so bad how on repeat my mind can get sometimes, like a broken record that cant stop overthinking again and again. Like ill be doing normal stuff not thinking about anything related to her then something will trigger it then i think about her yell at myself to stop and then just jeep over thinking and repeating the same things until i can distract myself and be fine again. Its like the telling myself to stop makes it worse and its never anything vile either. Just like oh we talked about this, i wonder how she would like this, i wanna tell her about it. Whatever shut up loser omg no one cares. I was doing good for a good minute accepting that it wont happen and trying to move on and then we hung out and i felt the electricity and damn it im back in it. Instead of ugh this hurts its omg what if all over again. I thought i was past this stage mostly so im pissed. And whats worse is that im making myself believe that she actually feels something back. When we hung out it felt the same but i was just noticing little looks or things she says or does that just make me want to believe that maybe she's starting to feel it too. But what happens then would we date even tho its a complicated situation if we do. What comes with dating what happens if we only work as friends and then i loose a really good friend. But i guess if she's feeling it too it might be worth the risk? That's only if she feels the same wattage i feel everytime im around her. So my plan of just being her friend is still in effect, i hope its not nefarious to say that i hope that if we keep becoming better friends maybe that's what will make her really like me. But if not then im just going to stay her friend move on eventually and try and not be a dick to her, its not her fault im a fool.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

Well shit.

I am straight back into pining mode. Literally broke my own heart went thru the heartache i know logically its never gonna happen between us. I thought she was going to be gone, this is the second time she was supposed to be out of sight out of mind and it didnt happen. And then i tried to stay away but guess what i can't do that. I like talking to her i like being around her and its so terrible because im making myself believe that there's a chance again. We were talking in a group and one point and i was talking to somebody else and she was looking at me and i could see her out of the corner of my eye and i swear she was just giving me the biggest cutest fucking doe eyes ive ever seen. Like she was looking at me with something akin to affection and dammit i swear that wasnt the only one. Ive caught her a few times with this doe eyed look when im talking for a long time and she just stares at me. Ive noticed that unless im directly talking to her i avoid looking at her, I know i give her some stupid ass look everytime im so sure of it there's no way i dont. But that can't be whats happening she can't be looking at me with that same look. We went out last night with one other friend and i felt the electricity again. And yes the excitement of going out in general is a factor but me and her kept whispering during the event and i kept half my comments to myself and after she said some of my comments were the best part. She always tells me she likes it when i talk about the shows or just random facts i know. Then at one point i started talking for a long time about a franchise im really into and i look over at her and i swear i saw the doe eyed look. She always defends me to other people and even myself. I can talk about bad habits or stuff I've done or someone can try and roast me and she always always always is on my side. Saying its okay you do that, at least you try with this, yeah so what if she does this who cares. Just stuff like that is so insignificant but feels like the world to me like it feels like she is going to be in my corner no matter what. The worst of it was when i wanted to smoke a cigarette, i asked the group if it would be okay and she very quickly and excitedly said yes. Because of that reaction i literally asked if she wanted one and she said no just for me to smoke mine. So i dont smoke often but im always talking about how i want a cigarette so i have 2 theories neither of them i like to much. Either she wanted me to smoke bc she knows how much i usually want to which is wild in the first place or she really thinks smoking is hot. Either way it was like excited yes please smoke. On the drive home i had the awful thought what if she finally realized she likes me. What a terrible thing to think how horrid. Heres the worst part i am guaranteed to not see her for a week now after some things got moved around. So out of sight out of mind hasn't really worked to great even on days i dont see her but its been short breaks so maybe a long break will help? Either that or in the week that the electricity isn't flowing i can break my own heart for good. I need to cry i need to scream i need this cloud 9 with to end in the earths core.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

Well ill tell ya it still fucking hurts. It hurts so bad and i haven't even seen her in 3 days. I can be distracted and do stuff and be perfectly fine but then im left alone with my thoughts and they wonder to her and i have to scold myself and say no its never gonna happen. It hurts that i chose wrong again, i haven't had a full blown crush in a while and last time i picked wrong too. Its kinda weird how similar yet different the two situations are. And it sucks cause i was at least having a little hole like give it time just be her friend and if it develops cool if it doesn't you act the exact same. But now i dont even think i can give myself that kind of hope. Ive spent the weekend breaking my own heart telling myself it will never happen because i can t have that hope its not good. Its one not respectful to my friend and two honestly the truth. I have really bad depression memory especially about specifics in highschool so i can't remember what path i took with my last crush if i had a game plan or if it was just to wait for her to break up with her boyfriend. But no matter what i can't help but remind myself its not gonna happen. I really hope i dont see her much this week to relish in it get her out of sight out of mind. Has that worked over the past couple days? Not really but im hoping time can heal all wounds. I just want someone who listens and gets me while also having their own cool personality. She's so cool and smart and funny and pretty but i also just long for a relationship. For someone to call up just to chat, text random memes, hangout and do nothing, go out and have fun. I just wanna have a go to person and it hurts that my heart chose wrong again.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

So it really happend on the day trip which is wild. We had a whole week of bonding and it just being the two of us and it feeling electric to me. I was so nervous i was gonna act a fool on the trip and it would be that same electricity but it wasnt there. And sure there was an extra person so i thought it was that but then we got the chance to be alone. Literally sent off together and it wasnt awkward it just wasnt significant. I really dont know what I was expecting but honestly i was expecting that same electricity once it was just the two of us but it wasnt there. Like I was expecting her to light up when it was just me she didnt we didnt we just walked around talked stood next to each in line silently. Comments that i dont know what to do with or maybe just stuff i was reading into suddenly all clicked, its like in that moment i realized that it was all me. All the hope I had that it was mutual or there was at least a spark shattered. The day after i was cleaning up my room listening to music and I just started crying. It hurt that she didn't like me back that the hope she liked me quickly seeping out. It that sucked no matter at first how much i tried to deny or play it cool and say that i wouldn't want to even if she liked me. It fucking hurt that i was the fool reading to much into what she said. It hurts to be wrong, it hurts to be alone, it hurts not feeling like I can tell anyone about anything because im to ashamed. So i cried hard and just let myself feel the sting. The sting was so harsh and i couldn't stop think about the what if she liked me relooking over all the evidence all the clues like the detective i am. Everytime I came to the same conclusion, we are friends who joke and say stupid shit and it probably meant nothing. Next day dead tired stayed up too late just thinking and hurting. Im so nervous to see her idk how ill act or even look probably like a zombie tbh. Honestly i cant say anything significant happend honestly there was a couple things that i could take and internalize and on some level i probably have but instead of making my heart skip a neat in a good way it was more like a freeze. Like a pause then move one change the subject/get away. I acted like suck a dick and probably like a bigger idiot than usual bc i was not having a good day outside of my feelings for her so that's awesome and its not even her i acted stupid in front of it was like the whole friend group. Uhhhhh these ppl keep pushing my buttons and then get upset when i get upset but whatever i digress. I really think im not gonna see her for like a couple weeks and im honestly kinds glad. Like right at the point where i can act cool and am getting over it i think some distance will be good. I can hopefully breathe get her out of sight out of mind and hopefully not do that crush circle around thinking anymore. So distance, civil friendship, respect for my pal, and fun in the sun!

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

I think today was a good day for my feelings. Over all shit day but good for my feelings. I like totally broke down and cried last night just because of how over whelming the feelings felt and i was so nervous to see her today cause how can you cry over someone then go and act like everything is fine. Well that exactly what happens i was fine i felt fine around her i feel like i acted normal just like a normal friend. So thats good it feels like if i keep going down the path i am on i can be a normal person we can just be friends and everything will hopefully be fine. But there is still a part of me that wonders if she thinks about me. That if I just give it time maybe someday who knows. That i wasnt being crazy about the hints and the vibes and had every reason to feel the way i feel. Like I can be proven right and get the girl all in one swoop. But thats a pipe dream and i need to be realistic. Thats my friend thats all we will ever be and i am okay with that

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

Well it hit me today. There has been no conspiracy she doesn't like me back in the slightest and i was the fool once again. I think i knew that all along no matter what i wanted to try and think but man it really does feel like a stab wound that keeps twisting in further. Im not even that sad she doesn't like me back its more so that i feel like i betrayed her? Yes ofc i wish no matter how much of a bad idea or complicated everything is i wish she liked me back and it hurts that she doesn't. It also hurts because she's my friend and i dont want to disrespect her or make her feel uncomfortable bc im a loser who can't control their feelings. We talk about deep things sometimes and i dont want to take any of that and be the closest feeling i can think of is is like a creep. I really like and respect her as a person and would never want to do anything that would make her uncomfortable. I would honestly rather just ignore her and make her mad at me that admit that I like her. That feels cruel too, its not her fault I cant control my own feelings. There's a chance i wont be able to see her for a week and I kind of hope the distance will be good. I hope she's gone, I hope no one brings her up, I hope she doesn't think about me or act excited when she sees me again, i hope i dont think of her, questions i want to ask or random things i want to tell her, i hope she goes away long enough that i can clear my head and be a normal fucking person.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

Imiterally laughing at myself yall. I was so worried about the day trip i wanna say it was the most chill and non reactive ive felt around her. Well day trip over and it was amazing. We all had an amazing time at least i hope it seemed like everyone did. Okay so observations before anything friend A who is just a friend did some things that I cant help but notice but can't tell what to do with it. At multiple different times friend A suggested that me and crush go off together or sit together and idk if its just because she doesn't like us as much and just wanted some time or if she's doing something sneaky. Now sneaky can either be she's seen how I act and is trying to be a pal or crush told her something which i highly doubt. So that was just something I noticed but dont think i should put to much into. Other thing she was so quite and almost shy the whole time we were there. Like on the car ride there we all talked but there were times it was just me and her going back and fourth. But wvev at one point when the group split up mad it was me and her it didnt feel significant. Like you would think that would be anyone's dream to be alone for a while and i mean it was fine but we were both tired and just idk it didn't feel electric. Now mind you we did talk joke have a good time but it felt like i was talking to friend A more not even on purpose its just how it kinda turned out. So plan worked crush under control we are all good. Uhh you would think that would be my first thought but no wrong. My first thought was oh no what if she feels something i acted like a sick and I might miss my shot. Ew gross so wrong! Literally i was like what if she likes me but doesn't want to say anything bc ive been acting so cool yada yada yada. I have literal blog lost about how i know its a bad idea and now that im at a point where i can act cool enough my first thought is what if. Its so wrong i shouldnt like her so i dont i wont i cant.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

A single text shouldn't make me light up and it didnt really it was the one little reminder in the group text that was meant just for me that feels special. I keep telling myself it a bad idea i shouldn't want to like her. Yet i find myself wondering what she thinks about me how i look or what i do. Uhh and every time i try to push it out of my mind and tell myself its a bad idea. We were talking recently and i said something about that if i really met someone i liked and we started dating that i would want it to be super serious so i mean my feelings have at least been clear if she was feeling any type of way. And i keep saying that she doesn't feel anything but y'all its so wild sometimes the vibes when its just us going back and fourth having fun. Im an open book usually my heart is on my sleeve i say everything i feel but this is the one thing i cant admit out loud to anyone. It feels to awful, to horrid, to gruesome. Like if i get exposed everything will come crashing down. Im so scared im icuras flying towards the sun wax wings already starting to get too warm.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

Alright today was maybe not a big one but definitely fun for sure. So first things first i have to point out that fact that i really think my ass is about to get caught! Like called out public knowledge type caught. A bunch of us went out tonight and we all had a lot of fun okay. Me and her were sitting beside each other which isn't a crazy big deal i think we have both accepted that we are eachothers best friend or at least closest out of the group. But man tonight while we were out i feel like stuff kept happening and i kept getting looks and comments that maybe were just looking fun but all jokes have to come from somewhere. So game plan of staying cool and not acting like anything is amiss i feel like went pretty well i would say. Now that might sound like it would have been shit because of me getting caught but i mean i see these people all the time they already know the vibe. So i think im playing it cool treating her like a friend all well and good. But as always things were said and done that made it feel like there is some sort of vibe or something going on and i hate it! Especially in front of all those others now it does help that we were drinking and im always giggly so i can usually play stuff of but uhh. We talk so much one on one that we just know more things about each other so in conversation we will mention something about the other that happend. We also just have more inside jokes and just random stuff we have talked about. Or being the only one getting called out by her when one of boys made a joke and i laughed at it. Really making sure i liked and understood the activity we were doing. she keeps saying that she doesn't mind if i mean to her but im the only one and if anyone else was as mean as i am to her that she wouldn't like it. Like she kept saying it to me in private but in front of a group i feel like is wild even if there wasn't my pining heart. And like i don't want to specifically be mean or anything im just a femme mean lesbian sterotype thru and thru. Im trying to push thru and survive but we have a day trip planned with another friend in a couple days and man idk if i can make it.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

Well i said i had hit my acceptance phase and i have but guess what im still a lesbian so im gonna yearn a bit too. She seeks me out just to rant. The inside jokes and gossip just feel electric, is that to much after ive posted my acceptance post? Yes, Definitely, Absolutely. Who cares we mesh really well and laugh and joke and tell each secrets and scheme and set up plans for everyone to hang out. Can i say that i was basically planning this thing because it was something she wanted all of us to do together. Trying to see if people can come picking a place and reconfirming with everyone. Im excited to go i like hanging out with my friends im more excited that its her thing. Its so pathetic and sad but who cares. She used me as an escape earlier to get out of an awkward conversation. Literally walking past saying you with me. I accidentally embarrassed her in front of our friends earlier to by laughing at something she said in passing so she turned toe so we argued till she what she was talking about. And shit like that happens all the time where we will be in a group setting or just talking to another person and we just start our own side convo. And again i know friends do that but i feel like its mostly with her. I dont know sometimes we will be talking and she will say something that shows she actually listens to me. I talk a lot to a lot of people everyday so i forget what i tell certain people but when she says this tuff just little things it feels nice. And i think i figured it out. Shes just nice to be around. We have a lot of fun get along have similar but different ideas about stuff are super real with each other. It almost feels more wild to say that she's my best friend but she kind of has become my best friend. So sad fact i once again have a crush on my best friend oh how cruel it seems when history repeats itself. But isn't that who you should want to be with, ur best friend? Who knows i dont, honestly the only thing im worried about at this point is getting exposed and embarrassed and making things weird. Unrequited fellings are sadly nothing new to me so i think I can handle the feelings for now.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

Okay i think im in my acceptance phase? So what I like her who cares. We are friends and we are gonna stay friends unless she initiates and even then it would have to be a long talk about what we both want. Like i keep saying i feel like there is some sort of vibe but that might just be friends being friends and im putting to much into it. So game plan, do nothing. Honestly its so complicated if i wanted tried to pursue anything and i dont even think we would have the same goals at the end of the day. So its a crush i act like a fool and seek her out and sometimes think of something to show or talk to her about when she's not around. I have a crush and it kinda sucks because i know it will never be but honestly im okay being a friend we have fun and if it gets touch i know how to distance myself. Hopefully its a peaceful heartbreak.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

Uhh pathetic thats how I would describe it. Just pathetic I know its a bad idea and yet i feelyself everything we hangout feeling more of a bond and i hate to say it more of a vibe. Like we both know the feeling is there but we keep skirting around it. Topics keep drifting back to my dating life specifically going on random dates not wanting something casual that if i meet someone I would want to get married. She responds that in most of her fwb she catches feelings. I don't know it felt like something in the moment but now that might just be friend talk, relating to a pal. Its wild something will be done or said and it will feel like something then i look back over it and shatter my own hope. And it sucks that Im hoping i wanted to forget about this and move on but damn its hard. We see each other so much and the more we spend time together the more it feels like there is something there. But at the same time I hate myself for wanting and hoping when i know its the worst idea i could ever have.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

Its getting so much harder. I thought i could just fight it we could just be friends that i could over it eventually and be fine but its getting harder to believe that everyday. We keep talking and hanging out and its not awkward or bad but we keep bonding. Now that might seem like a good thing but circumstances have pushed us to be closer. There's drama that has almost made it us against them or at least me with her not on their side. We have a trip planned with another one of our friends thats been super stressed about work and i feel so bad venting when i know she's going thru a lot. We both have the same feelings on this friends more so just worry and we want a drama free trip. But we are just gossiping and talking more and bc there is drama i haven't been talking to my other friends as much today. I could deal with all that, I really could if it didnt feel like she was dropping hints? I dont want to speculate like that if anything I would hope its just unconscious thought slipping out that dont mean anything. My plan is to take this and do the opposite. She said she likes her women masculine, im going to be so femme you wont believe. (I usually choose a vibe based on the day but usually im pretty down the middle.) I just want it to be over! I just wanna be friends with her, for all the drama to be done, and for everyone to just get alone and have a good time.

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

I feel like im going crazy. I must be because i had myself convinced over the weekend that i could easily get over what i have only acecpted because i started to write this post as a crush. It feels awful honestly because i dont want to have a crush on her. But I also cant help being drawn over to her, to get all excitable while talking to her, to bust over laughing after we joke around. Lately i cant help but feel there's this vibe where she feels something too but i can't figure out what. She says things almost that feel like hints? Thats stupid i don't want to read into stuff it can drive a woman mad. But sometimes she just says things that just make me freeze and question. Telling me that when im being a dick that if anyone else said stuff that she would take offense. That she knows if i actually have an issue with her that i would just tell her directly. Saying she could see me working as a mechanic or playing roller derby. She fucking told me that i could probably smash a watermelon between my thighs and when i said yeah but i bet thats common she said nope i bet another friend of ours couldnt. It just feels like stupid little things with a vibe that i cant figure out. And on top of all this my other friend is so fucking onto me. But i have a suspicion that he thinks its a mutual thing? Or maybe he's just being extra mean by giving me a glimmer of hope that im not the only one looking like a fool

[sapphicstarlightsunrise]

My deepest secret is that I want to get married. I grew up in the country and have a desire to have a wife and some kids with a house in a big plot of land where they can run around. Where i can invite extended family over for holidays and special occasions. Sitting on the front porch sipping sweet tea just watching life go by feeling content. I want to put down roots have shops i frequent, people who recognize my face when im on my weekly errands. I want a community or village to just figure life out with. As a loser lesbian whos never even had a girlfriend before it seems so far out of reach and im scared ill never get it. I dont want to casually date just to date i want to date to find my life partner. To find the person i want to take in the world with.