Looking for my way back home. c-ptsd; depression; ED; addiction
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I'm just gonna stop eating from tomorrow on. I am so tired of "doing the right thing" and never getting anywhere. I don't want to eat anymore, I don't want to see and feel this body, I don't want to be fucking fat anymore and not fit into any of my clothes. I want to feel like myself again and not be disgusted by myself. I can start getting healthy and fit and build muscle once I've lost like 20-30kg. It's gotten so so bad, I just want to get rid of all this fat and weight... I've never weighed this much :'(
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I am so tired of this life. It's just constant struggles and efforts to get better. For what? To keep going like this forever, every day just trying to deal with the sadness that's inside no matter what I do? There is no cure, just methods to work on the symptoms and get along a little better. I don't know what's worth enduring this. Sure, I do have stupid little goals and things I would like to do some day, but are these "superficial" things worth holding on and struggling so much? For the rest of my life? Sometimes I feel like I wasn't meant to stay for long on this planet. That this is it, and it won't get any better in the future so I should just leave here.
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kinda wanna sit outside with someone and talk all night
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For the first time in almost two years I don't miss him! I don't feel nostalgic, I don't feel abandoned. My mind is just like "wtf was that and why did I ever fall for that man?" The only thing I am afraid of is him showing up where I live, trying to get to me in person in some weird kind of way and making me uncomfortable. I don't know how he will be acting when he realises that I won't talkt to him again, that I'm not going to apologise this time and I'm not going to tell him again that I still miss him. I just hope he stays where he is and never tries to contact me again. He deserves nothing else than to feel miserable.
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