saybubblesinanangryvoice

[saybubblesinanangryvoice]

Long weekend

Autumn events, highland cattle, family, feelings, tears and taking only country roads.

I finished When Women Were Birds. I loved it, felt closer to my mother and the women in my family.

I got frustrated with gender roles, the celebration of mediocre men, and double standards. How mean to me some people in my family were during hard time; whereas other family members appear to move through life blameless.

I pointed out every colour changing tree.

I organized personal files, and hung some pieces, tidied up sticks in the yard. I cuddled puppies.

I'm starting a book on the Psalms.

I dyed my hair purple.

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Feeling such a funny and beautiful sense of PEACE right now. Smack dab in the middle of a meeting on a topic I don't particularly care about. But feeling an overwhelming sense of whole. Not lacking.

Not wanting for anything. What a gift. What an exhale.

Wanted to capture it. Remember it. (Taylor Swift lyrics, FTW ha!).

(via (612) Pinterest)

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part 4 ♡

source

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“Untitled“ by | Elisabetta Fox Piantoni

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there is happiness

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reading this right now. it is a perfect autumn book.

“Hysteria is within the human range of appropriate response.”

— Terry Tempest Williams, When Women Were Birds

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nothing is lost.

it could be the album I'm listening to (Nothing is Lost by Luca Fogale) or the season, but I felt nostalgic and hopped on here for the first time in forever.

my heart feels excited and grateful.

and still sad for what was lost, left unsaid, destroyed in a global pandemic and in change. is it annoying to still say that? I look back at past posts, and like...that pull between excitement and new and grief and sads...it was there. but you know what? so what. it is there. IT IS ALL HAPPENING :)

although i think some of the acuteness is gone, but now sorrow is there. I think I will (we all will?) be in this in-between for awhile. I think that's okay. I think that's needed.

“how does one know if she has forgiven? you tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. you tend to have nothing left to say about it all.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés

the leaves are changing outside. it's wild how fast it happens. I try to point out every one because I know they'll be gone sooner than I think.

I miss my old neighbourhood(s) in a lot of ways. but I love this space and the roads I take now. my body feels less wired. softer. there is love in these walls. there are parts of me missing always. but I hold those spaces and I hold everything that is now. I think whatever hope was planted last year is starting to bloom. I hope it is for you too.

'Cause if nothing is over Then nothing is lost After all of this I know we're better off If nothing is ending Then nothing is gone I can feel it all around

- Nothing is Lost (Luca Fogale)

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‘tis the damn season.

A week into 2021 and holy shit. 

Being realistic, my first week back - while tough - was actually full of more blessings than most. Surprises, opportunities, fresh flowers, sunny days for running. But that didn’t change the heaviness in my soul that so many are feeling right now.

2020 is still fresh in my heart and mind. It is/was a visceral year. I still remember all the good, and unfortunately, still feel the bad as if it’s tapping me on the shoulder right now. I think I’ll be reflecting on it truly in the summer...

I feel like I always have something to write - but then when push comes to shove or finger comes to key, it all disperses. 

That sounds dramatic but I think part of it, thankfully, is because I’m saying enough in my real life. And also I’m listening. Trying to listen to myself, to others, to God, to nature...it probably sounds crazy, but how much time do we spend really listening? Sure we might listen to a podcast or music, but that can be so passive. And other than that, we consume. Emails, social media, work, TV, more, more, more.

So I guess you could say I’m trying to listen. Which means I might not have a ton to say right now. But I still have some thoughts :) 

Onwards into this new year <3

ioegreer

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Dec. 11, 2020

My winter break has started in a year that felt like I didn’t get many breaks (literally and figuratively - although I know if I’m being less dramatic...I experienced a lot of blissful and grace-filled moments...).

I decided I’d give myself permission to not finalize anything. In the past, I’d be all geared up for my Christmas break, ready to tie up the year and prepare my feelings for the next one. But I don’t have final feelings on this year right now. Because have you seen this year?

So I’m leaving it open...I don’t have final thoughts on anything. I’m going to let it all swirl around - my thoughts on work, holidays past, things I miss, love, restoration, the holidays now - and that’s okay :) 

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a heading-into-the-next-season vibe <3

“i am finding my way back to myself again. slowly, patiently, intricately. i am finding roads in between my heart and my mind that connect. i am finding melodies that taste good on my soul. i stray and i take detours occasionally, but i am finding my way back to myself again.”

iambrillyant

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this is [your] life now.

Obviously 2020 doesn’t look like anything any of us planned. More so for some folks. Entire world’s switched around. Upside down.

For many months, I allowed myself to be in that limbo. Because no decisions could be made, then slowly the decisions had to be made one-by-one. 

Then limbo again and regaining footing. 

Long while ago, when I climbed Mount St. Patrick in Ireland, you had to navigate up slipping on shale...because that’s what the mountain’s made of. No dirt paths really, just shale. So you’d place your foot down, and a black of shale might slip a bit. That’s what the last few months felt like. 

Recently, I was driving and had the thought, “This is your life now. You can start making some decisions now.” 

I still cry sometimes when I drive by dog parks. I still remember things that make me smile, and make me so sad. I try to honour it all, even if I’m not always great at it. I allow grief to not be linear. But I’m also realizing that perhaps yes, I can make some decisions now. I take even more pictures now. I want to enjoy everything and also capture things when I’m down. I’m still chasing sunsets.

I want to start thinking about goals again. In the new normal. Waited long enough to see what would happen in this city, this community with this pandemic, and I don’t want to lose out on a vision for myself even in this messed up climate. 

We know healing isn’t linear. Life isn’t linear. It’s still hard to accept sometimes. 

But we rebuild, rebuild, rebuild. As best we can.

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milestone

Today is a bit of a special day :)

Over the past two years, my life has changed so much. Not just because of the pandemic, but because of choices and twists and turns, and listening to myself, and hard hard stuff. 

Sometimes it’s hard to recognize and own that life doesn’t just happen to us, we do have agency, and we can decide to do things differently...but that doesn’t always mean it will be easy or fun. 

I can say for a fact that the last two years had me facing some big heartaches. Some that haven’t gone away fully, some that are fresh, some that feel like they’ve been there for a long time but only just bubbling up to the surface. 

I’ve said I’ve been riding this wave of grief and joy, possibly for some time now. Sometimes the grief waves hit me out of nowhere, and sometimes I still struggle to realize that it’s okay that I surf on the joy ones...that I can do that.

I did not do things perfectly. I tried very hard to be kind (someone told me once that I should never doubt my kindness, and I hold onto that because it came from one of the kindest humans I know). I also still get really mad. I sometimes ask “How did I get here?” with anger. Then I also ask same question in happy awe: “How did I get here?” I get teary-eyed when I drive by certain places, or remember certain things. I feel proud of some things. I still have great love for some things. 

So many things. 

I’ve thought a lot about identity. And how we attach ourselves to so many things and people and places and roles. It can keep in some tough spots. It can be so comfortable that we fall asleep. 

Much of what I thought I knew to be true or safe or real or right has either completely exploded or slowly disintegrated. Some of you may have felt that in the last few months with the pandemic.

And now I am here. My identity stripped of all the things that it was once tied to, except the universe that created me. 

It is still terrifying. It is freeing. It is something to learn from. It is a reminder that at the end of the day, a year, a season, a life - you are always left with you. And that is more than okay. 

Even if it may not feel like it right away.

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In the in-between

Life after the May long weekend always holds a weird special place in my heart. The long weekend - in the past, there were ambitious cottage or camping plans - and the weather NEVER cooperated. Then came May long weekends devoted to dance rehearsals for the impending Fringe Festival...and the weather would be beautiful while we were stuck in the studio :) Perhaps they’ve never been perfect, but they’ve always been memorable and with laughter. 

We are over two months (?) into this isolation season, and I find myself in a bit of an in-between season - as I think everyone is right now. It’s the end of spring but not quite summer. The weather is still erratic. 

It’s hard to make decisions, it’s hard to finalize, it’s hard to see things because everything feels in soft focus and “not quite sure.”

It can feel so hard. I am so proud of the steps I’ve taken in my new job to learn and understand the requirements of the role, and getting to know the people I work with - even remotely! I’ve been able to serve the community as best as I can, I’ve tried to keep moving my body, and I’m grateful for many opportunities to get outside. 

But I’ve also cried a lot, second-guessed myself even more, wondered if I even wanted things to go back to normal (I love the lack of traffic!). I find I can’t think farther than the week ahead anymore (as someone who usually has plans a month or more in advance!), and maybe that’s what my brain needed.

Sometimes it scares me that I’ve gotten to a place where thinking about possibility can be so hard because I’m so used to what I’m used to...But conversely, it’s also what gets me up in the morning during a time when everything can feel a bit monotonous.

Possibilities can help you remember yourself, what you want, and that nothing is ever permanent. What are you still believing in when it’s harder to look ahead?

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back in a pandemic

It has been almost a YEAR since I’ve been back here, but oddly enough - my old friend thistles that brought me back. 

Last night, I was reading a magazine and a piece about thistles came up - about those prickly parts of life...and AREN’T WE IN ONE? :) 

So I’m picking up the "pen” again, and here we are. In the middle of a global pandemic - about a month in maybe. 

Since my last entry, I facilitated multiple dance workshops (remember the first one?! What an amazing journey), I grew a lot spiritually, emotionally, I met new friends, lived through renovations, changed jobs (!!!)...Still standing. Still grateful. And welcome to 2020 holy crap. 

I don’t know that I have anything different than people have already said about this situation. What I will say is IT IS MESSED UP. I am excited and celebrating the creativity and art that is coming out of it. The ways businesses have pivoted to keep going, and organizations have switched things up to keep supporting people. 

For me - it’s day to day. I don’t really think a week ahead (THAT’S new for me). 

A few things I do hold onto: supporting local businesses whenever I can; being gentle on myself about creativity (I haven’t taken a-one online dance class, or filmed a dance video...I take dance breaks at home; but otherwise, I’m not there, and THAT’S OKAY); daily walks and moving my body in some way; reaching out to friends every day in some way - a check-in text, sharing a video or something fun; prayer in the morning to connect to something bigger than me and this right now; trees - trees haven’t changed (thank god); doughnuts and tea - forever and always. <3 

How are you taking care right now? What are the things you know are still true in this time? 

What’s going to stick with you when this is all over, and what is going to fall away?

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something simple.

Since my last post, I’ve vacationed, turned 33, sold out another dance workshop, got offered the opportunity to do more in a gallery, watched my team grow by leaps and bound, celebrated with family, cried at a play so moving I couldn’t help but be that person in the balcony yelling and cheering when no one else was (we all know that person!), gotten another tattoo, finished Game of Thrones with the rest of the world :) And now I’ve started to look towards the summer.

Funny how much occurs in what seems like a short time after I was exploring thick, snow-covered ice and snow.

It’s full-on spring now. Rain, sun, wind in one day. You’re not quite sure how to dress in the morning. I find this time of year, it’s harder for me to get up in the morning - which I recognize is strange as that’s often the winter for most. Don’t get me wrong though, seeing the sun makes all the difference when I’m doing my morning stretches. I’m back to noticing and taking more photos of the sky again - which I love. 

I’ve been meaning to buy more Polaroid film still. 

I haven’t decided if I’ve actively slowed down. I think most people around me would say I haven’t :) But it feels slow, it feels purposeful. I actually just sat down at the table to look at my next two weeks. 

I’m also impatient, and have felt moments of overwhelm. So while the title of this post says “something simple” this shifting of (literal) seasons isn’t always. Spring and summer always make me feel a little nuts, I feel more myself in the fall and winter. But I guess what’s different this year is I’m noticing that, and I’m trying to lean into it.

There are parts of me that will always remain untamable, messy and reckless; but I refuse to apologize for it anymore. - Kaitlin Foster

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moon walking.

A few Saturday’s ago felt like freedom. Like lightness. 

It was free of most plans, except for eating doughnuts and getting outside. 

Piled into the car with chocolate candy-coated Easter eggs, and headed to the beach. I almost like beaches better this way - fewer people, space for doges. The sky blended into the water, snow and ice so it felt like another planet. Almost unexplored. Could’ve walked for more hours than we did. 

I love feeling small. In the grand scheme of things. Because we are. There’s something bigger at play. It’s almost a relief. We go through our days acting like things are life and death (I mean...excluding some jobs where it actually is that). 

You are allowed to breathe. We are bitty blips :) What we can hope for is creating good ripples from our small corners of the world - all the bitty blips coming together.

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honouring space.

I posted earlier this year that I was moving. Now it’s officially done. 

I closed out my old home with ceremony by a wonderful friend of mine through her officiant service. We walked through each room, we talked about what each room meant to me - the kitchen where I hosted, the bedroom with my grandmother’s furniture, my laundry room (en suite laundry was important to me!).

That home gave me a safe space when I felt alone, or when I was my own worst enemy. It gave me so many laughs. It was whimsical. It was warm. I wanted to honour it because it deserved to be honoured. It gave me so much. 

We also went through and my friend took a photo of me in each room...she tried to capture a moment. This journey is beautiful.

She also gifted me with symbolic ribbon (each colour representing a room), and a bundle of white sage that was once a gift to her and her home. They strengthen my current, and remind me that home is really myself - wherever I go.