sazlew

[sazlew]

Bryce

I guess it's time that i talk about my dad?

Look, I said earlier that I don't have a lot of close family. That's true. There's a lot of things in this blog that aren't 100 percent right or 100 percent true anymore (ok people change and I'm real bad at updating), and I don't have a lot of close family! My parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles - they're all out of the picture these days in one way or another.

Except... that Bryce reached out late last year.

After literal years. Like seriously, I hardly remember him. I almost thought he was dead. I think I must have been in primary school when he left.

Mum thought he was a flake, and now that I actually know him as an adult - he... kinda is? Just not in a bad way. He's just very distracted by the things that interests him and not all that focussed on anything else. If you get into what he likes then he gets on with you well!

He's a kindhearted, soft weirdo - and I honestly don't mind that. I know a lot of weirdos so he's just another one to add to my list.

He lives in the wops - like right in the wops - out the back of upper hutt. he's got a weta farm, and a weed plantation, and just... lives out there, in his weird forest house, minding his own and living off the land.

no idea what he does for work, but it's something. he drives too, and uses the internet and a phone - just not that much.

reconnecting has been weird. it's been hard sometimes. but i'm not mad at him. he just takes a bit of getting used to.

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pcs from dads farm

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Jared.

Liam I adore you but if you read this I'll end your fucking life.)

-

Jared's not online at all so he'll never see this.

So i thought i should talk about him.

I don't know why I put up with it for so long. Maybe i just liked what it was like to be someone - to be with someone who had what he had. He was like a celebrity, honestly I truly thought he was. Like the prettiest guy I'd ever seen. And he liked me! it was fucking ridiculous honestly, like I had no idea why, but he stuck around and we got on.

the sex was... something. like. good, yeah. but... crazy. different. I don't know. It wasn't bad. Just something.

different to Liam. but then everything is.

Liam's... always been comfortable. nice and kind and honest. like going back to your hometown after a long time away and settling in immediately.

but.. yeah. we ended things. i ended things. amicably. we're mates. I still trust him with my life.

but then Jared came around and... well. I should have realised earlier that he's terrible. none of my mates liked him. none of them got on.

and I still put up with it for years. i'm a mess. my therapist says that i get attached very easily, and maybe that's true, but I mostly think I'm a mess. idk. there's lots of reasons why I like people, but I really do like people. something something childhood abandonment led to desperately reaching out to others something something.

but anyway. jared's a dick. i did more for him than I ever felt completely right doing. then i broke up with him.

and now he's out of my life.

good fucking riddance.

but it still feels like he's watching me. i hear things outside my house at night and it feels like it's him. i'm getting weird messages from strangers that make no sense.

i don't know. it's probably paranoia.

but it sucks.

jared was one of the worst things that happened to me, but he's gone from my life. he can't hurt me anymore.

[sazlew]

I feel so fucking gross right now

this whole entire weekend

Jared didn’t… like he didn’t force me but like… idk what he would have done if i said no.

what the hell is he going to do with those pics?

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The funny thing about figuring out youre neurodivergent is looking through your family and starting to notice youre definitely not the only one

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i am tired. i am exhausted. from my head to my soul to my bones i am so fucking tired.

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Romcoms

(Declan if u reading this fuck off fuckOFF)

K so I’m writing this on my phone and alsooooo I’ve had a bit to drin k so soz if it’s weird looking or whatever! Just wanna write some words while i have this idea in my mind!!

(also im babysitting Dee while he sobers up sooooooo… love him but i am scared for him always)

Romcoms.

They’re so great. They’re amazing! I love them. They’re probs my favourite film genre of all time. Declan doesn’t like them but that’s cause he likes films the best that are long and boring and about the meaning of life or whatever

Look i like some old old old films by famous directors - much ado about nothing from 1996 is my favvvv (KENNETH BRANAGH IS SO HOT) - but i can’t do the smart film thing. I am smart but not smart enough to city in a movie theatre and watch something where people just talk all the time and don’t even kiss. 

I like rom coms. Cause they’re nice and fun and cute.

I know sometimes they’re all the same, but I think most fims are the same once you get down to the heart of it. Three act structure, right? Someone doesn’t want to do a thing, but then they need to do a thing, and on the way to do a thing, that thing goes wrong, and then they overcome that problem and then do the thing and then there is a climax! (heeeee) and then the film ends and the character has change - better or worse than before but theyve gotta chanre or else there is no point. People change all the time but not probably as fast as rom com characters do cause some of those stories tae place over like four days.

Four days is too short to fall in love. I fall in love in long stretches of time. Like… sitting at work for two months spending time with people and then going ‘oh i love you’. The best thing about people you love is the weird bits. Ike a thing about them that they think is ugly but makes u smile. Or something they know lots of things about. Or a thing that thye aways wear but not for any fashion reasons.

I think life would be real boring if we all loved the same people all the time…

Ok wait 

I just got dee some water 

And me some water

What was i writing uh.

Romcoms.

My favourite romcom is defs defs defs The Proposal!!!!

I’s got all the best bits of rom coms in it. They don’t like each other, then they’re trapped in a place at the same time, plus weird humor that’s very silly, plus sandra bullock is a babe, plus she DEFS FOR REASLS DOMMED ryan reynolds

Fuck me you must think i have a ryan reynolds thing [gif of Ryan Reynolds in The Proposal, he’s pulling off his shirt and looks hot as fuck] 

ive reblogged enough pics of him

Hot boy summer????? 

It’s winter in NZ

Hot boy winter

(Dee laughed at that. Im kinda talking this post out loud now whooooops but i cant seem to stop)

The Proposaal. ICONIC!!!! 

What else

It’s not a rom com but i love the baz luhrmann romeo and juliet. The fashion is so so much and the music is too - that scene to “Kissing You” by Des’ree? I wish i was alive for more of the 90s cause that shiz was iconic

And Mercado?

Wait

Mercution! As a drag queen? I love

So more rom coms.

(Declan is telling me about a rom com he saw at the NZIFF in 2016 about time travel called.. chrono - krono? Theeisa???????? Look idk it probably wasnt a rom com knowing him it was probaby just something about death or murder or the meaning of life or whatnot)

The romcom i saw last week thaat everyone at work loves (EXCEPT DEE CAUSE HE DOESn’T WANT T WATCH IT) is called Set it up

It’s got the guy from Scream queens (hot guy??? chad???) and queen zoey deutsh and they play two PAs for two bosses that try to set their bosses up cause their bosses are real mean to them and they think if they set them up then they will be less mean cause they’ll be getitng laid - vibes

But then they both FALL IJ LOVE

Also pete davidson from SNL is there which is real weird 

But yeah tey fall in love and its cute

I love it i love it

I wish real work was like that

OH ANOTER ONE

10 Things I hate about you

So picture health ledger (RIP) being like a bad boy in a school and then kate - who is blonde and kinda a bitch but like she’s badass and it’s cool and i wilsh i was that badass - her dad says that her sister can’t date her crush (josepg gordon levitt but young AS) until kate dates someone

It’s shakespeare apparently i think if i remember from school

Wait wait wai

[DECLAN: Ten Things I Hate about You is Shakespeare yes. It is a retelling of the Taming of the Shrew which is one of the Shakespeares that people feel weird about these days cause it seems sexist and maybe is. In the movie Kate has much more agency than in the play which is good. It is a good movie that I like a lot,]

FOR ONCE DEE IS RIGHT IT IS A GOOD MOVIE  

Another one i like is clueless which i also studied at high school

Look it is iconic!!!!!! The outfits

Cher

Paul rubb but young and pretty and i mean hes still pretty and hes like fifty but he was real pretty then

Weird that they were cousins 

aCTUALLY i saw a paul rudd movie ast week and it was an art movie

(shut up Dee stop laughing) 

Ideal Home! It was real good actually

He was paying a gay film producer???? With his husband/parner played by……. That english guy

Fuck he was in that other series of movies for old peop

Fuck i dont remember

But yeah they were breaking up - i guess it was kinda a rom com actually

They were breaking up but the other guy - the english lover whos name i cant remember - his estranged son was jailedfoor being a piece of shit and his son (the english guys grandson) came to live with them

And it was a story about paul rudd and englsh guy falling in love again and it was actually real nice, i like it a lot. Funny and passionate

Like it when romcom couples have actual chemmisty cause liv and drew have both said that it s hard to make chemistryyy that seem real on screen whew ur are castingg gg iand mking movie s sssssssssssss,sssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss s f

[DECLAN: Ideal Home was a great movie. I enjoyed it lots and lots. Go and see it if it is on at your local. Saz has dozed off so I guess I will just post this. Take nothing sshe has said as true.]

[sazlew]

The Sex Thing.

(if ur reading this anyone i know fuck off fuck off) 

I am not as horny as my friends seem to think I am.

Or as bad at decision making as I know they’re worried about.

Okaayyy as usual if you know me fuck off this isn’t for u. I don’t even know if you wanna read this if you do know me, that’s what it’s gonna be like. 

I get their concern, I love that they worry about me, but genuinely - I’m fine. I’m cool. I just like to get with guys - and that’s not a thing to shame me for!

Okay so some background.

I went to an all girls school for high school (Welly Girls, like most of my mates), and it wasn’t super restrictive or anything but it was still very girls. And I get if you’re into that or whatnot but I’m not and never have been. I’ve got lots of queer mates who I love but it’s just not for me.

So I went to this girls school - barely had anything to do with boys AT ALL when I was there. Cause i was a nerd. Like most of my friends, i mean i work at a movie theatre now, it’s not like I was ever cool enough to work in retail or in something else - i know loads about movies and studied comms at uni, I was never ever ever going to be someone cool - but yeah we were all nerds.

Making jokes, liking youtubers, playing video games - nerds. And we got bullied a lot for that! I didn’t want to change anything, but we did get suuuuuper bullied for that. Like, all the time. Girls can be bitchy as when they wanna be and some of the girls at that school were just… ew. Mean for the sake of being mean.

But whatever. I’m rambling. 

I learned what sex was through really bad sex ed classes. And the internet. Obviously the internet. The internet’s full of filthiness and I’m super into the internet, so it makes sense that I would have learned about bodies and stuff from there. These kids these days, they don’t know how good they have it - they’re not being sent links in msm chatrooms that lead to godawful porn.

Or maybe they are. Omegle and Chatroulette are some freaky shit, idk what it must be like growing up as a teen girl these days. Idk if it is very healthy. I’m scared of those places like Music’ly (?) and others - they’re way too young for me.

Ok rambling again.

Sex. We had sex ed, with this dude teacher as a part of health class. I reckon he felt it was as cringy as we did cause it was suuuuuper awkward. I know in one of the classes he put on a Shane Dawson video (big yikes!) to teach us about the birds and the bees and wow that was probably not a great idea considering what that guy’s up to now.

But yeah it was awkward. A lot of details on the technicals, nothing about anything that matters. Like what 10000 different STDs were (even the ones that are super hard to get) and contraception.

Like i know that stuff matters - obviously it does - but there’s definitely other things you gotta talk about! Like consent and when a relationship is healthy (me and my mates definitely got into some of those bad ones when we were at uni), lots of stuff that was missing when we were at school.

Idk if it is better now. I really hope it’s more in depth and the teachers are cool and not just some awkward teacher who also teaches science. That’s just bad planning.

But yeah. I went to uni. Had never ever kissed a guy (big nerd remember)?

And then I got into drinking.

And parties.

Genuinely didnt think that would be me ay but it so turned out to be! I just like parties. I like being around people, feeling people around me, chatting and dancing and feeling a bit light in the head. It’s hard to think when you’re drunk and I know that sounds bad but it’s not a problem or anything, it’s just a little relief.  

Parties. Lots of parties. I basically went to every single uni one I was asked to which was great. I made loads of friends and had a great time at pretty much every one (not every single one but most of them and that’s fine, life is like that.)

So I was at these parties. And in my second year, I was at this party with a bunch of law students right. You’d think they’re boring but they realy know how to party (probs cause their parents are all rich lol). 

And there was this guy there. He was doing his postgrad, and just like wildly hot. Not like traditionally hot I don’t reckon but he was intense. Really focussed, I think, and we got drunk together and well.

Then it happened. I don’t even remember his name - or maybe he didn’t even say it. And it was…fine? Like it wasn’t great. It was like I’d spent forever hyping up this thing that really just turned out to be a bit uncomfy and kinda average.

And then the next day when I woke up I saw I had hickies in the mirror and I fuckin cried about it, ay. Just burst into tears.

Don’t even really know why. It was dumb.

Never saw the guy again and I can’t even look him up to see what he’s doing now.

Also the cunt gave me a UTI so.

Anyway later later later on. Like guys occasionally come up to me but I’m not that hot compared to others, and I’m just a bit hesitant to take things further - cause I love people, I love being around people, and I love… wow this will sound weird as fuck - but I love touching people? Like my day can get so muc better if I get a good hug from a friend or I doze off while watching a movie and fall asleep on someone’s shoulder or even pashing - like i love love love a bit of fondling and whatnot - that shit gets me going more than sex itself!

But yeah. That stuff was happening and it was good and I liked it a lot - and then, well, Liam. 

See my previous post for details on that [A link to Saz’s previous post about Liam].

And Liam introduced me to a bunch of things that I didn’t even realise I was into. (Ok I’m kinda lying about that, I did see Fifty Shades and feel things - not for Christian, ew he’s a dick, but the situations? The give and release?

Turns out that I like controlling people a bit. Not like in a bad way. In a consensual way. There’s something so exciting about having the power in a moment and the other person wanting you to have that power?

There’s nothing like it in the world I don’t think. 

So.

Yeah. That’s my sex life sorted. Maybe I do look for certain guys but tbhhhhh there’s really no point in getting with someone if they’re not going to be into what i’m into. And youd better not shame me for that. 

I’m just exploring. I don’t think that’s an issue ay but some people make it out to be.

And all i gotta say about that is that if you spent your life hating how you looked as much as i did, you might see something like this as a kind of liberation. 

Look. you do you, and i’ll do me. Right now, i’m having a good time and that’s what matters.

[sazlew]

Love from the Other Side of the Apocalypse

[sazlew]

Liam

Liam.

Okayyyyy so it’s a bit cringe to talk about this kinda thing but this is a private blog with like four followers so no-one is going to read it anyways! But I just think I need a place to talk about all the secret stuff I can’t tell the group chat.

Cause it’s a great group chat and I tell them lots of things, but not everything…

So now you (my four followers) get to hear it instead!

So I met Liam at work. Like I met most of my current friends actually. At work. At Readings! It was a cool job but sometimes really boring and Liam and I totally gelled (so did I with most of the others actually but like… I’ll talk about them later.)

Lee and I - we’re real similar. Same sense of humor, same silliness. He’s a bit older than me (shhhhh) but fortunately I’m cool so we get on real well. I’ve always been attracted to older guys anyways (even during high school, yikes!) and well, he’s real nice and kind - and smart too.

I’m smart, but differently smart. Smart with friendships and parties and making my friends get on. And also weirdly with money.

But not businessy stuff or anything.

So Liam and I got on.

And then we got on……..

Look, maybe it was a bit of a bad idea at first, but we dated for eight months! I’m sure if I had parents who give a shit about me they’d have told me off but fortunately I didn't then! And Liam has made my life way better. He’s genuinely caring, like in a way no other guy has been before. 

(The guy actually looked after me when my cramps were real bad!)

(Ik bare minimum but… no guy has ever done that before).

And look… he’s good in bed. I don’t kiss and tell, but there’s a reason we had trouble breaking up.

But now we’re broken up. And it’s amicable. I still love him.

I just think we’re better as mates.

Mates are easier, at least. 

[sazlew]

MATT MURDOCK AKA DAREDEVIL SHE-HULK: Attorney at Law 1.08 "Ribbit and Rip it"

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LIAM HEMSWORTH on Instagram

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PRACTICAL MAGIC (1998) dir. griffin dunne

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2023 is in three months