schizophilus

[schizophilus]

The Church and Nihility

sorry if the title is catching this si my oc posting era again hi

We have to establish how The Church viewed their lord (which was implied to be the Propagation) vs How their Lord is actually...

It was a religion, and like all religions it began with awe and unanswered questions. When bugs fell from the sky, crashing with golden nectar as blood and pulsing sweet flesh, perfectly cooked and preserved onto the land of the starved, it was a miracle. It was when The Church met Their Lord.

Imagine a being of infinite generosity, so far removed from logic and conversation that its worshippers, at the time with rudimentary technology and limited scientific clarity, filled the unanswered luck from nature with meaning and stories. How else could they explain the perfectly timed descent of life-saving-bug-corpses if not as a gift from the Divine?

The Church does not, nor do they have to know that Tayzzyronth isn't an Aeon of poetry or love. As established, THEYRE dumb as shit. THEY don't think of anything other than Propagation. THEY don't judge. There is no good and evil. There is nothing but to split and multiply. "THEY can't even tie their shoe laces" - if THEY ever figured out how to wear one, but there would probably be eggs in those shoes when THEY were done. So it was the perfect being to be called Lord by The Church, free of judgement, full of never-ending givings and questions to be filled by their own imagination.

In earlier days, there was humility in these beliefs. Drought, famine, starved, barren land and was revitalized by these gifts of corpses so they lived to give in return. And that's what they preach "Live to give." Give to the forest, your neighbor, the worms, the earth, yourself and everything that breathes or not like how you'd give to The Lord. As you all have consumed it's divine essence to live, you have a piece of The Lord with you, and you shall never disrespect it type shit. All things- breathing or not - were Tayzzyronth.

It was impossible to have sinners; Tayzzyronth can never do wrong and it was simply a miscalculation. It was quite empty, a kind of unstructured love.

It gets better, cuz, well idk they got better at living I guess. and by better i mean they have control over their living variables. farms, medicine, all things that defied nature - which was what made their miracles idk whattttt. like the bugs still fell, but it was seen as less of a gift from The Lord but rather a resource given to their control. It's a shift in belief from Tayzzyronth to themselves as Tayzzyronth's reflection with these newly given power - that they earned.

kind of less "we are one with the lord" but rather 'we are the lord' so obviously establishment of the hierarchy. They didn't stop being generous, they didn't stop giving, they just had a different intention. They gave downward, to those 'below', but not side by side as they used to before. kind of like, now you have the power, you have the responsibility to take care of those below you, as you are in control of these elements, which before were in The Lord's control (as believed but rlly it was just perfect conditions)

they still worshipped, they still carry the songs and all. but it was a different form of faith, even though devoted to the same Lord. And at some point, heaven and hell were born. In the chase of expectations and results that come with advancements, they have goals for everything - they need an end right away. The hastiness of living demanded them to have an answer to their life right away. A black and white form of thinking, judgment. Now, to live righteously wasn't to give, but to die properly. Their goal soon became death rather than to live. Live in a way that your grave is a glowing resume. Build those staircases of starving bodies to reach their imagined clouds.

They had so many meanings and goals in life that they washed out one another, leaving an empty shell of a final destination. Horshoe theory typeshit. Their belief, their thinking, their faith, it's all shallow and empty - nihilistic - to chase their ego and feel deserving of that self labelled title after Their Lord. idk.

All this in the name of A Lord that doesn't give a shit, nor acknowledged their existence.

[schizophilus]

april ko-fi members request- prompt was ”aventurine, sunday, and blueberries” :)！！

ko-fi

[schizophilus]

fenri

[schizophilus]

are theylookijg for a third (anyways i love avenriri theyre so cute and wow and yioppee)

they have space for a third :yum: :yum: YIU CAN ALWAYS SQUEEZE IN ALSO THNKYIU YWAYAUAGHGH youre like

an og avenrir fan since july last year thast

like og era

[schizophilus]

[schizophilus]

something that makes death hesitant

Fenrir was born from The Propagation, the ruins. He has never been promised a tomorrow. Every breath he takes, every meal, every flicker of warmth from the blood that courses through his body, he fought for it. Nothing is given freely except for Death, and so he values everything- Down to the taste of stale bread, and the ache of tired limbs. All for the slim chance of waking up again. Death was never a concept but an inevitable reality, one that came close too many times- the church pews, auction hall, and the final crash to Talia. He’s often described as naive, reckless but somehow calculated enough to live. His love for life is something raw and was earned through his blood. That’s why he fears death twice than others, he treasures life just as much.

Aventurine is also no stranger to fighting. He fought for his very breath today, clawed through catastrophe and run headfirst into every danger. His fight for life is different than Fenrir because deep down Aventurine knew, he will survive. The world has always given him a way out. He has watched other falls, risk his life, but he’ll walk away, still breathing. That guarantee- whether born of fate, luck or divine favor of the late Goddess- it staled his relationship with death. Something that was given freely to others, he has to court it. Where Fenrir fights to STAY alive, Aventurine fights to FEEL alive. Death, is a thrill, a promise of the unknown and perhaps peace he always wanted- the only blade sharp enough to cut through the numbness of survival. He doesn’t want to die, truly, passively suicidal? sure. He wants to know what it feels like to bleed for something real.

Fenrir thinks life is fragile, he guards it with all he could. While Aventurine knew that life is fragile, his was not so he gambles with it. But at their final moments in Talia, Fenrir charges forward death, reckless and burning. There’s a thrill that he never felt while living so securely. Aventurine tries to hold him back, there’s no logic to his action, nor plan. He simply wanted to. It’s no longer thrill or strategy, a calculated risk, but a sense of love for life. It’s like Kakavasha again, y’know, the unbearable thought of losing something, a loved one, his family, that made him feel again.

Their relationship has always been described as ‘transactional’ one thing for another. an eye for an eye. because you cared i will too. maybe one of their final transaction is that they gave a bit of themself for the other, and here it’s their love for life and death. To live is more than to survive, to care is to be resistant to death.

There’s something about them that makes death hesitant.

[schizophilus]

#thinking about name aventurine and hus relationshil to anmes… maybe imt raching but idgafff

[schizophilus]

"for you, the universe."

[schizophilus]

warm up that has been left in the basement for the past week

[schizophilus]

hes so ugly i need to cry

[schizophilus]

alright man

[schizophilus]

THEY MAKE ME GO CRAZY AN WAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOUR CHARACTWRS!!!!!-AWEOSME!!1!1!!1!!

THANK YOU I LIVE FOR THEM EME

[schizophilus]

Aventurine white day official art

YES IS AW OAOAOHAH AND GUESS WHA

FERNRI WHITE ART!!!!!

[schizophilus]

fenrir and propagation spores

woawo... this is going to be a long post - but mostly analysis? i think? i wrote his story without any specific intentions; this is my interpretation on the significance of propagation spores in the story and therefore not a canon or confirmed intentionsto the points i will make below :3

i know people are like 'omg tayzzyronth bug hahahaha' but then if you look at it on a closer level... as always none is revised and but a lonngg ramble

TW// Sexual Assault, Rape, Human Trafficking, References to forced pregnancy and body horror, Religious Abuse.

purity and vulnerability:

I will be referring to Fenrir as Afen throughout this part as this was his name and will be important to separate Fenrir and Afen later on

Afen's childhood was with the 'Church'. His existence was defined by 'innocence' and he stood out among everyone as an embodiment of an idealized form of purity. For context, this was when he was like pure white green eyes pale skin lol. (CREDIT TO YILENN)

TLDR; baby fenrir was implied to be abused because he grows up in church but isolated from other kids not because he was strange but because he was closer to the caretaker and his appearance makes him look like a holy thing rather than a person like others. and he was more devoted to the caretaker than God. and also this was when he had his propagation spores.

It was very clear he was more 'prized' than the other children - visually coded to be 'untainted'; white garments, soft lamb-like features, very small and petit in figure and gentle in nature. Obviously more catered to by the caretakers and separated from the other orphans of The Church. This 'purity' and distinction from others renders him a target, making him an object of reverence and predation as he was closer to the adults more than he was with kids his 'age.'

His bond with the head priest, aka 'Father', is what further solidifies this implied abuse. He's very close with Father and is at his beck and call overall. Afen was not faithful to the God but rather his caretaker. While other kids are called the Lord's Children, he referred to as the Priest's Son. Again, setting up a clear distinction and showing cracks of twisted faith under the Church roof. Afen is religious, somewhat, but he's more devoted to his Caretaker than his faith because in his eyes he was made to believe that they are the people that saved him, not God.

Usually, perpetrators of abuse are those close by to the victims. Father might have sets Afen away from other kids so that he'd have more 'control' and trust from Afen to normalize his actions.

Although I think the alb was a funny situation I wrote up. (Afen tweaking out cuz his alb was dirty) - now that I think about it it could be a foreshadow that he was never God's child, he was always the dirty Priest's Son. Just... think.

more propagation spores i dont know what to name this part

tldr: propagation spores is a metaphor for not only trauma but also STDs

while birth is a cherished thing, everyone loves a creation of life - not so much for propagation spores. Whatever comes from them are seen as grotesque creations (yk the swarm) - but even if they aren't physically gruesome, once figured out that they're from the spores they are just as bad and avoided - like AFEN!!! boy who was born from the spores!! (woo lore reveal)

the spores function as a metaphorical extension of systematic sexual violence. sexual assaults often strip away autonomy to something more biologically determined (like used only for sex). back to the birth thing - his body is now determined to be a 'motherbrood' of them bugs. reflecting how survivors are often reduced to the trauma they endured after finding out the story, categorized by their perceived loss sense of purity rather than inherent personhood. however, for afen's case - it is hard to recognize the latter when the spores affect him physically. people can see the spores growing under his clothes.

afen suffering is unacknolwedge by those complicit, obviously. the Church does not seek to rectify the harm but rather shunned and caged out of the place; discarded as a 'proof' for the Father's powers from God. If the symbol of purity in the church is tainted, who is there to help if not the Father who got rid of it? Evil man. His existence becomes an unspoken shame, negated by the very institution that once claimed to hold him in reverence.

I think him being forcefully implanted with spores and then being shunned out very much parallels real life CSA victims who had STDs or other physical disabilities from these assaults - especially those in orphanage or churches (speaking from experience heh), they'll never be taken care of because they bear diseases and disability and most often 'too old to take care of'. just left there until something is figured out. Talking about STDs, the way propagation spores are treatedhere also mirrors how people with HIV were treated back then - adding up to implications of Fenrir being a gay man but we'll get into that in another post :)

BUT! another side note- THE WAY THE CHURCHMEN injected the spores into him and calls it 'the order of tayzzyronth' or whatever, especially more convincing in his case is that tayzzyronth EXIST and he has solid proof that whatever this spores does to him WILL 'help' their cause. this obviously parallels the way abusers often rationalize their actions as 'necessary' or 'ordained' he loves others so much he would never go against an order that would help...augh...

commodification and cycle of abuse for comfort

tdlr: victims of abuse are often not cared for and are most likely conditioned to be normalizing more abusive behaviors - making them more prone to more abuse jus like Afen

expelled from the church, Afen is immediately taken to a new paradigm of explotation- human trafficking. His time in the church had conditioned his trust and longing for compationship - making him more vulnerable to manipulation and abuse. An open an free, easy target all the while the spores still spreads, embedding deeper into his skin.

im running out of energy to type here aughugh augh

at this stage it highlights how victtims who went through systematic abuse are usually conditioned into cycles of continued subjugation. this could also be a metaphor for trauma lingering, especially when the victim does nothing but put themselves in a situation where they would only 'nuture; the trauma, making it worse. the infection is invisible, but it would soon fester. something that threaten to consume his humanity and reduce him into uuhhh bug.

uhm part self conscious

passing from auctions to auctions - he was finally not shackled by chains when the cargo crash landed into TALIA KINGDOM OF BANDITRY AKA THE STARRY JUNKYARD AKA MY FAVORITE PLANET due to uhh the swarm fucking shit up. this eventual abandonment was written to be an act of mercy, like salvation because Afen prayed for it and in Talia, he regained a sense of agency by cutting himself from his old name; but i think it could also be a final rejection; deemed valueless once his exploitative potential is exhausted - to the trashland you go.

This part will refer to Afen as Fenrir :3

not related i just think this is cute cuz theyre in talia now

Fenrir was picked up by a nomadic clan consist of other members similar to him - discarded by the world into the crashsites banded together to fight to live. it sounds nice, because it was. however yk what wasn't nice? the clan leader AND THE SPORES

although he was accepted, it was clear he was isolated from the rest of the clan. a blinded man always suited up to the full, covering all inches of skins because no one dared to touch a vessel of propagation. he was denied cyber implants because no one wants to operate on hiM!!! so fenrir just spends his days in talia disabled and in chronic agonizing pain. but he lives on, because indominable human spirit. he has lived this long and this far he wouldnt surrender type shit but also he kinda forgot he can die. => again similar to how victims would devote themselves into pleasing their abuser, brainwashed in a way. but i think this is a bit of a reach, fenrir might just forgor cuz he got too much shit going on.

fenrir perceives himself as permanently tainted. despite being the caretaker roles to the kids in the clan and somewhat a guardian to younger lads, he rejects the notion of biologically bearing a family (heavily implied). obviously as a belief that he was too corrupted to impart anything of value -> in fact, his children would be the spores' children. not his.

struggling with the belief that he was irrevocably marked by trauma, unfit for love, connection or even lineage and his surrounding further reinforces this notions by refusing to include him in fear of the spores and other measures of distancing. this mirrors the experience of real life victim struggling to accept themselves too :3

orderr limbo

i love fencest (fenrir -> afen respectively)

throughout limbo lore, he spends time with a faux aventurine right. check the recap here, the last few paragraphs :3

despite spending his days working for 'aventurine' in the end - he ultimately gave his love to himself. this is not just passively enduring, but passively tear away the spores. you have to work to love kinda. this act embodies him reclaiming himself as someone beyond trauma, acknowledging his scars won't price his worth.

this acceptance of himself over giving into the spores was the reason why he broke free from it and stopped the second swarm from happening :3

this whole process is just not him alone, the journey itself shown that he was seen as Fenrir and not just Propagation Vessel by many. He was loved. This COULD be done by his internal willpower alone but it was also catalyzed by external affirmation. Notably his connection with Aventurine - someone who knew him blindly. A person who did not know him as a vessel or a victim, but rather a partner to survive with - an autonomous person.

while one can accept themselves, it is important for survivors to have a tangible proof than they are more than what happened. for fenrir, aventurine was the proof :3

---

uh yapsess over i need to organize the stories more. i will get something coherent.... one day...

[schizophilus]

who gaf

[schizophilus]

What do you think of my hsr ocs swap au?

i didnt get a thorough read over everything but its really cool to see the switch on dynamics and seein the characters again !!WOOOOO !!! LUV UR WORKSS

[schizophilus]

Swap au masterlist

About

Members of JCJenson experiments

Cassidy (weapon) (birthday) (sibling moment with Sunday) (why)

Ryker (prank) (an awkward reunite) (the boys) (loser like me) (encounter with the Solver, Aftermath)

Dylan (an awkward reunite) (Luminary Wardance) (the boys) (loser like me)

Lilac/Amethyst (fashion)

Eris (Luminary Wardance)

Nigel (first met with Sampo) (the boys) (bite) (birthday) (why) (we will meet again)

Others

Cara (reunite)

Travis (reunite)