scientistdidwhat

[scientistdidwhat]

Graduate Student Accused of Stealing Sublimated Dry Ice

Biochemistry PhD student Anthony Jonson was approached by a security officer when leaving the lab. “Where’s that box with the smokey ice?” demanded the officer. “Hey man,” sighed Jonson, “I know black males are underrepresented in STEM, so this may be surprising to you, but that ice sublimated.” Jonson proceeded to draw a phase diagram of dry ice on the whiteboard. Later, the guard was overheard discussing intermolecular forces while browsing university tuition exemption.

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University President with $4M Salary Ignores Students Who Want a 10% Decrease in Zoom Tuition.

Students formerly taught by world-class faculty at an institution with an 11+ billion dollar endowment are taking sticker-price courses on Zoom. Considering the pandemic in tandem with their racist, bigoted history, the university seeks to make reparations is refusing to engage the students requests for a 10% decrease in the cost of tuition and a 10% increase in financial aid. You wish this was satire.

[scientistdidwhat]

Student-Run Cloning Club Goes Awry

The University Cloning Club was flagged for misdirecting funds until the Human Resources Director lost her Yorkipoo. “We’ve gotten an enormous internal funding boost,” chirped Club President Claude Clonalicious. Security footage spotted the Director shuttling a football sized bag in and out of the club’s meeting room, and colleagues report her depression has subsided. In a likely coincidence, one employee noted that her new dog looks “remarkably similar” to her old one.

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Department Chair Enjoys Stress Relief After Misdirecting Anger at Security Guard, Lab Tech, Others

Though the relief may be transient, Department Chair Dr. Joseph Joester is basking in it. “Ah, I haven’t felt this good in months!” he beamed, shoving the family dog off his chair. Though his misguided actions may lead to an infinitesimal cascade of multiplicitous negativities, he isn’t worried. “Eh,” shrugs Dr. Joester. “I can’t see anyone’s mouths, so I don’t have to worry if they’re scowling at me. And lucky, due to job insecurity that is tantamount to life insecurity, I don’t need to worry about any complaints!”

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Female PhD Student with Overly Controlling Principal Investigator Has Independence Issues

With his pen hovering over a checkbox reading, “Independently carries out experiments,” P.I. Joe McSweden sighed. “I try to control everything she does,” he said, exasperated. “Still, she says, “Is this okay?” and, “right?” after her ideas.” “I try to control everything, and hover over her constantly! I criticize the tiniest, most inconquential things, but she just hasn’t built up that confidence. Ergo, she remains too insecure for release. I’m going to need to keep her here for another...” he mumbled inaudibly, trailing off, before clearing his throat and ending with “years.”

[scientistdidwhat]

Science Innovation Lab Flagged for Non-Compliance

The Hobbyist Cloning Club was recently flagged for misdirecting research funds until Central Human Resources Director lost their Yorkipoo. “We’ve gotten an enormous internal funding boost here at the lab,” chirped Club President Claude Clonalcious. Security footage has spotted the Director shuttling a football sized bag in and out of the center, and colleagues report that her depression has rapidly subsided. In a likely coincidence, one employee noted that her new dog looks “remarkably similar” to her old one. Meanwhile, the Science Innovation Lab is pleased to report that they have been re-classified as compliant.

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E.R. Doctor Frustrated By Family’s Request That He Enter the Home Nude During Coronavirus

The 70-year-old physician was heard in the hospital hallway complaining about his wife’s reaction to the global coronavirus pandemic. “And I said, “What if the guys see me?” and she was all like, “What guys?” First of all, Neighborhood Watch. Never understood that, and never seen them, so they must be good. Number two, people at Google Home. And besides, I like to keep a certain “je ne sais quoi,” around the missus. And that includes rarely taking off my scrub pants. She’s telling me she’s a vulnerable population because she has asthma. Come on! Everyone has asthma in this toxic shithole! Long story short, I’ve been sleeping in the garage.���

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Adjunct Professor of Food Sciences Exhibits Signs of Starvation

A Food Sciences Professor has struggled to with his online courseload due to starvation and pending bankruptcy. Upon requesting that the internet be covered as a COVID-19 job expense, HR explained that it was reimbursement only. After his internet was disconnected, the quality of his online lectures decreased, and became interrupted by stomach rumbling. This was noted during an audit, and he was demoted to semi-part time, losing health insurance. For now, he is grateful to be alive, and for the mask related disruption of facial recognition. “I plan to steal from the grocery store,” he admits, wanly. “Anything for science, right?”

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Principal Investigator Surprised via Zoom That Two Postdocs Are a Married Couple

“Huh,” remarked the Professor of Conservation Biology. When seeing the couple on Zoom, he initially accused them of violating COVID-19 precautions by entering the lab. “I would say good work,” remarked the Professor, “except next time, disguise yourself to avoid detection.” As their cat strolled across the keyboard, the couple exchanges glances before holding up their wedding rings. The Professor nodded absent-mindedly as he began adding wigs and oversized spectacles to his Amazon shopping cart.

[scientistdidwhat]

Astronomer Tells Bumble Date She Doesn’t Know Her Rising Sign, Chaos Ensues

Victoria McSmarty was excited to meet Kai, a yoga teacher, who also appreciated the stars. She was soon disturbed to realize he had confused astronomy for astrology. When Kai explained why she had such rigid definitions using her birth chart, he became enraged when she didn’t know her rising sign. They both shared the importance of “basic standards” and Kai said he “should have known” when she didn’t compliment his clear quartz.

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Quarantined Biochemist Begins Using Family’s Blood for Experiments

A home-bound biochemist may have gone too far with DIY experiments. Unsatisfied by the chemistry involved in baking, the young scientist was out for blood until her robust boyfriend fainted while preparing breakfast. “I think it’s important to support her career,” he shared, smiling faintly after emerging from the dizzy spell. “And I don’t even know if the constant blood donations are what caused this - it could be the phenol-chloroform she’s using for RNA isolation in the bathtub.”

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Soylent IV Fails to Provide Lab Member with Necessary Stamina to Meet Job Requirements

In an unsettling blow to Human Resources, the death of technician Jose Salonza has prompted a reevaluation of working conditions. Tentatively scheduled with the Dean for three years from tomorrow on Zoom, the meeting will discuss whether or not the university should consider scheduling another meeting to discuss the appropriateness of support staff breaks.

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Physics Professor Explains There are No Stupid Questions Except That One

After assuring the class that, “there are no stupid questions,” Professor Manly McAnik quickly noted an exception for the question Marsha just asked. “It was pretty stupid,” Manly admitted, sighing. “I know I said there are no stupid questions, but students are expected to know everything already. Expectations are important.” Marsha expressed regret for asking about difference between discrete and fast Fourier transformations, explaining it wasn’t covered in high school, which she finished less than 6 months ago.

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Biology Professor Who Called Student an Idiot Was Just Being Honest

“Hey fuck you, Gary,” Tim Milano said, with a smile displaying an unsettling number of teeth. The biologist was seen skipping to lab, fresh from the university news promoting “total transparency”, whatever that means. “It’s like, I’m just being honest. With Donald Trump and all that crap, we need more of this. And you look like shit today, Tina.” The university stated that no action could be taken against Professor Milano due to the new policy on transparency, and issued a totally unrelated congratulations on his new 2.5 million NIH grant.

[scientistdidwhat]

“Reclaimed” Human Skeleton doesn’t go over well with Vintage Buyers

Attempting to inch his way into the niche vintage consumer market, medical student Jimmy Patterson was disappointed to hear that ascribing the adjective “reclaimed” to human bones wasn’t sitting well with buyers.

“Um, reclaimed from whom?” asked habitual West Elm shopper Chris Daniels. “Like, I get that my farmhouse coffee table and rustic chairs are reclaimed from like, the woods, you know? Or like, a farmer. But bones?”

Jimmy nodded with attempted sympathy, silently pondering the viability of changing the description to “refurbished”, and maybe adding some antlers.

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Professor of Physics Questions Reality that Students Cannot Sustain Themselves in a Thriving Urban Area

On a campus where events featuring “refreshments” earn an audible student stampede, Professor Crickety mused upon this display of desperation. “My Harriet and I, we lived frugally in the ‘60s. Only 5 rooms! Lord.” The Professor dismissed the students unionization efforts as selfish entitlement and that “snowflake stuff” from the news. “We are very generous. Our students receive a stipend of 30K, only 20K less than the NYC median income. Can’t qualify for a closet in the Bronx? Marry an engineer and suck it up. We all have to make sacrifices!” Horrified, students clamored together and a range of “What?!” emerged from the pack, but he was already striding towards a woman in a fitted, black turtleneck standing next to a Tesla.

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Emergency Medicine Resident Tries to Impress Date with Gruesome Photograph

On Tuesday, ER Resident James Caulfield was carrying out his obligatory third date domestic male act when he received an exciting message on his resident GroupMe. “What’s so exciting?” asked visual artist and amateur felter, Bunny McMuffins. Excitedly waving his phone at Bunny, James exclaimed, “Look at that clean cut!” His eyes wet with emotion, James quickly called his co-resident to congratulate them on the successful amputation. Bunny vomited. James remains available, and is looking for love in all the wrong places, as well as the tri-state area.