screaming-broccoli

[screaming-broccoli]

I have to kill myself.

[screaming-broccoli]

Growing up sucks

When growing up nearly all of my friends were boys but now I can’t really be friends with boys anymore. 

I have to be their girlfriend or I guess there’s no reason to interact with me.

[screaming-broccoli]

FUCK YOU BITCH

I’m still really upset with this one argument I had with my family. No idea what started it but it ended up with my grandmother pinning me to the floor (she’s a big lady too 350-400lbs) and my mom choking me. I couldn’t breathe at all but they wouldn’t believe me.

I always think about Eric Garner because when that news story hit my family was such a pair of FUCKING bleeding hearts for that when they did the same exact thing to their own child.

What do you do when you can’t breathe and are panicking? You wanna survive.

So I bit my mother’s arm to release my neck and... you know what they fucking did? They called the cops on me. THEY TOOK ME AWAY FOR THAT SHIT

THEY FUCKING PUT ME IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.

I GOT IN TROUBLE FOR THAT. ME. I SUFFERED BECAUSE I WANTED TO SURVIVE. 

BECAUSE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO BREATHE JUST BE CHOKED AND CRUSHED BY A FAT WHALE.

FUCK YOU BITCH

FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH  FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH FUCK YOU BITCH 

[screaming-broccoli]

Shyness

For a month I completely stopped eating but it wasn’t because I was trying to lose weight. I am just that picky.

I’d look around the fridge and say “meh, there’s nothing in here I want to eat so I’ll just do something else.” Then suddenly I’m down ~20lbs and it’s been a month only drink water. Also went through a phase were I’d only eat cookies and nothing else because that’s all I wanted to eat. My diet is better now but I think it’s because my family notices. They stock the fridge with fresh food when previously we only had gross TV dinners. I know I could of asked to have different food but I never ask anything of my family. Not (completely) because of fear of rejection but because of shyness.

“Shyness” being skittish and too anxious to speak to another person. Feeling uncomfortable around my family. Too uncomfortable to fully relax and conversation becomes awkward. Nobody wants to subject themselves to awkwardness so you only subject yourself when the issue becomes too big to ignore. 

Another reason is because I feel useless. I don’t currently work so I bring nothing to the household so I feel there’s no place for me to speak about things. When asking for things as a child my mom would angrily respond with “what have you even done to deserve it?” Because well.. she was right I didn’t deserve it because I could never do my school work and was always failing. This reinforced my behavior I think.

Before school, as a toddler, I wouldn’t ask for many things either. I was never the screaming child at the supermarket crying for candy. Mom always said I was a quiet baby. It was just a lot of effort to ask for something and sometimes I don’t even realize I can ask.

When I think about this I wonder if the pattern only comes up if I’m dealing with an authority figure? I never feel scared to ask things of my friends... I think? It could also be that I don’t ask my friends the same questions because I do not depend on my friends like I do with family. I think the phrase “authority figure” is too strong because I always felt comfortable enough to ask things of my boss.

Why is it only with family and teachers. Because they were always upset with me and now it’s just my default behavior?

[screaming-broccoli]

The Sky is Purple

Say someone tells me the sky is purple. Do I agree with them or do I say “no, the sky is blue”? 

If I agree we both smile, nod, and go our own separate ways. It doesn’t matter if it’s factual or not because I was being agreeable. I am being submissive, a trait society praises because it makes you malleable. You take up less of their air.

If I disagree, then I’m not being submissive. “Why do you always have to be right?” Such an odd question. Why must I be right about the sky being blue? The sky is just blue. It’s not purple. It is not about our egos. Yet I have to lie when the truth screams in my face because... I’m not being agreeable, I’m not being submissive, and the sky is purple. 

[screaming-broccoli]

Don’t really have a choice

think the only viable option is to suicide.

If I don’t then what are the other options... work until I die or be homeless until I die?

I don’t really wanna choose any option but you can’t do that. I have to pick. There is too much pressure.

[screaming-broccoli]

I hate men.

I’m always afraid to say that outloud. I feel like 10000 people are going to come out of the rafters and cry “NOT ALL MEN.” But honestly yeh, when they are horny and NEED something the testosterone in a man’s body creates a monster. Women only make up 10% of the incarceration rate. Even if you include the fact that women don’t get taken seriously when it comes to crimes the men ratio just dwarfs females. Don’t fucking lie saying that you WOULDN’T feel so much safer if the whole world was just female. You would never have to worry about getting mugged or hassled at night because women hardly do that shit.

Not enough impulse control and they gaslight us the whole time saying we’re the crazy ones. Because women are really out here assassinating military generals. Of course

[screaming-broccoli]

I used to be so scared of everything

I still am scared but not as scared as I used to be. I was reading through my old therapy notes and apparently I was too scared to ask for lined paper in class. Weird.

[screaming-broccoli]

It’s a different suicidal

I’m not really suicidal because I don’t feel worthy. Which is somewhat true but it’s mostly that I just... don’t wanna be apart of humanity. I don’t like the “daily grind”, the rat race we subject ourselves too and are too deep in to change. I hate talking to people. I wish I could just be a ghost observing others. Despite my hatred of everyone I do just like observing them. Wish I could just people watch forever.

My mindset is a useless mindset and doesn’t serve the capitalistic world we live in, so I just deserve to be put down. If you own a horse who cannot walk, you put it down.

[screaming-broccoli]

Nobody fucking cares

Social media retards jerk themselves off saying that they care about everyone. They feel like saints spewing out empty words. Pretending they care but it’s the same thing normies always do. 

Nobody fucking cares unless they can fuck you while they care. The second you tell them “hey I’m actually going through some shit and being mentally ill isn’t some cute quirk” and they just throw you away. It’s retarded because they always knew you were fucked up, I let them know whole way that I’m not ready for shit. Fucking disgusting. Men giving you the illusion that somebody cares but it’s just their dick that cares.

If you reject them then you have zero support again and I might as well just kill myself so I don’t make the mistake again. Because I will. Not because I am stupid but because others are evil and deceitful.

[screaming-broccoli]

It’s too loud outside

It’s so loud all the time living in a city. Huge fucking city. So many people everywhere, always. 

4am? There’s gonna be people walking around still. Very rare you will ever truly be alone.

I live in a quiet part of town but it’s just like... the bus is loud. Cars are loud. Police sirens... hate those in particular.

[screaming-broccoli]

Eye Contact

When I was younger I used to stare people down when I spoke to them. Not on purpose, of course, it’s just what I did. It was commented on a lot throughout my childhood but I had a teacher in particular who made a great big deal out of it.

She’d praise me so often, I started to become self aware to the point of anxiety. “Wow you always hold such great eye contact.” 

Eventually it became harder to maintain eye contact because I always think about it constantly. An uncontrollable hyper awareness. I would still try to hold it because that is what society tells you to do but it would feel awful. Now that I’ve slipped into hermiting again eye contact feels so impossible. Lack of exposure to other humans and having prior issues have created a monster.

It feels so overly personal. Eye contact... full of sexual energy for no reason. Even with people I don’t even find attractive, it’s such a gross feeling. Only eyes I can look at with peace are the eyes of my cat. Fuck I hate myself. God I hate myself.

[screaming-broccoli]

Why does tumblr keep trying to get me to do A&Q? 

“Have questions about ______ ?” No, nobody fucking cares Tumblr.

[screaming-broccoli]

Why does it seem like everyone else can do homework

While I can’t. I’ve never been able to consistently do homework even as a child. Only until boarding school where I literally had to do it. Also they only gave us an hours homework and easy stuff so it wasn’t as hard as an actual school.

I know everyone hates doing homework but people still do it anyway. How? I get so ridiculously bored I can’t handle it. Physical pain from looking at the text. Boggles my mind that pretty much everyone can do it.

My mom never pushed me hard to do homework so I just never did it. Not sure why she’d expect a kindergartner to manage their homework on their own but I guess I failed that expectation.

It’s really fucked me because I just don’t see any reason to do it. I mean obviously there is a reason to do homework but my brain doesn’t connect the dots. So I can’t really finish school. Pretty much have to find a job without schooling.

[screaming-broccoli]

My long term goal is moving out to nature. It’s really obvious that I can’t handle the pressure to socialize. Even as a child I was an outcast, never feeling socially secure until I went to boarding school. Too hard now and it’s not something I actually want to overcome. 

I do go crazy without contact. My limit is 4 months before get weird but I feel like Could push it longer and longer with effort. The need for attention and friendship feels more like something hardwired into myself rather than something I want of my free will.

My fears are being prepared enough to live by myself alone. Too many mistakes in a row could just mean death since I wanna be 100% on my own. However, living here makes me also feel close to death so what is there to lose? I’ll have to learn how to do everything I need to do. Not sure how...

[screaming-broccoli]

Trying to sort out my life

I feel if I say my goals it’ll be harder for them to be completed but... 

Starting with quitting Reddit I think is a good start. If I can be disciplined enough to never use the site again then I can do the same for other sites. Eventually I can cut myself away from the internet completely, making room for better activities. I waste a lot of time on it and a lot of it is wasted doing nothing. 

Even if I’m looking for something on Reddit I still waste time searching and reading things that have nothing to do with what I need. It’s just... a shit habit.

[screaming-broccoli]

doodle i probs wont finish ever