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sealionssc-blog · 7 years

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Fathers day this year is almost worse than mothers day.

I haven’t seen my Dad in a year. Last year right about this time I took my son to visit my Dad and the trip did not go well. My step mom decided to go off on me and basically tell me I am a horrible parent, my son needs mental help, he’s mentally disturbed, I’m a horrible daughter, horrible person. It did not end well and she was horrible to me and my son nearly the whole trip. I did not deserve what she did to me no matter what I went through in my past. This has been building for a while I am really mad at my Dad and how he has handled this whole situation. He just avoids it and today it came to the surface.

Fast forward one year, I haven’t seen him, and this fathers day it’s really getting to me. I really miss him, I could really use his love and support through this and I haven’t began to tell him what I am going through I just keep thinking once I put my plan in place everyone will understand why I was late on cards why I just sent off his fathers day stuff yesterday. I kept checking Facebook to see if my stepsister was spending fathers day with my Dad but luckily she isn’t. Maybe my sister is, who knows. But I wish I was spending father's day with my dad. It hurts like hell I’m spiteful, pissed at my husband, alot of the shit I took from my stepmom was directly because she hates my husband. Hell I hate my husband right now I really do and I don’t think he is deserving of any father's day celebration he basically gets fathers day every day. He gets to spend his time playing with our son all day. He has NO responsibilities except our son and it sucks it really does suck. No matter how many books or self analysis I do this situation sucks ASS.

This morning i got up and started cleaning and getting the things done that I wanted to get done because I had no clue what the plans were for today and really didn’t want to ask. Also I am tired of controlling the situation like what are we doing, if they don’t know let’s just say no, over it. So my husband finally gets up, I guess he got up before I did and opens his cards with our son. He told me that we should go get our son a small birthday gift today so he can have something to open tomorrow for his actual birthday. Then he asked if I was going to go get bagels for breakfast. I told him well it’s bagels or a gift your call. I am really struggling with money right now and mostly because I am giving him $600 a month to do what he wants with. It’s actually a chunk of money that we used to spend on the family. But I am trying to prepare for the future and for now money is tight. I guess I didn’t notice how much of the savings I have been having to pull from over the past 6 months because he has been spending beyond that $600. Like right now his account has $20 till next Friday, yeah that’s going to work.

I was upstairs making breakfast for myself because I wanted to go work out and he starts pouring a strong bloody mary. Well I took my son and our neighbors dog on my workout on the beach trail and I get a text message saying, “Hey so all I want today is a nap & maybe a massage, if I’m able to fall asleep can you try to make sure I don’t get woken up for a couple of hours PLEASE!” Excuse me, how is this different than any other day. He spent a whole school year of napping on the couch between 830am and 2pm. Of course he wants to sleep he woke up and got drunk. So here I am I am going to clean, make as much noise as I can and make sure he doesn’t get to truly enjoy this day because why should I he has ruined every other mother's day for the past 8 years.

One in particular I had just returned from Poland and he made plans for us to go bowling with his family. I didn’t want to go anywhere that wasn’t how I wanted to spend my mother's day so I was PISSED. So he agrees that I can enjoy my day and have some cocktails. The minute I get my second drink I notice that my husband is beyond loaded. He wasn’t drinking but he must have taken like a bunch of soma’s this is what led us to the OD last year. So his family is telling me he is messed up can’t drive and I’m sitting there so mad because I had two drinks and I don’t drink and drive nearly at ALL. I have 1 beer or glass of wine and drive and I am a paranoid person I hate it the whole way home and I really shouldn’t be stressing about it but I do. No one in his family offered to help me with him, like someone drive our car home or we can go somewhere after bowling so you can have more time to let your two drinks wear off. So yea I don’t really think he deserves an awesome fathers day. That day was horrible.

But now I got this out of my system, I cried, my son gave me lots of hugs and kisses and it’s time to get back to what needs to be done.

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sealionssc-blog · 7 years

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Time to Detach...

So the chapter of codependent no more last night focused on detachment. It mentioned to detach in love or detach in anger for try to detach. I’m not too sure I can detach in love these days, how about we just detach however possible so that I can save my sanity.

The activity for this chapter is to answer the following questions.

1. Is there a problem or person in your life that you are excessively worried about? Write about that person or problem. What are you thinking? What are you feeling?

Yes! The person that I am excessively worried about is my husband. I am worried in the sense that I do not know or understand how a body can take this much abuse of pain killers, weed and alcohol. We have been home since 6 and he has already had 6 beers. It’s 920pm. I am more worried about the fact that he isn’t going to live that long or he is going to do something stupid and wind up taking too much of something and experience what happened last summer. I am so afraid that he is not going to get his life together, get healthy and get on track and that I am going to be left picking up the pieces with my son. I always pick up the pieces whether it’s clothes, toys, crap, feelings, save our asses financially etc.I do worry how much crap he is going to put me through when I finally leave. I guess inadvertently I am not so much worried about him but how it is going to affect me. I used to worry about him making my son turn on me but I think that ship has so far sailed and what he doesn’t realize in his delusional mind is how much tangible evidence I have on him that he could never take my son from me. I think if I want him to live with me I will not have a hard time getting that done. I guess at the end of the day I am more worried about how much more stress and work my life will be if he doesn’t get it together. Not to stay together but if something bad happens. I lost my mom when I was 21. I do not want my son to go through that pain. As a mama bear I want to protect my cub so that he never feels that.

2. How do you feel about detaching from that person or problem? What might happen if you detach? Will that probably happen anyway? How has staying “attached”-worrying, obsessing trying to control-helped so far?

Right now I feel I have no other course of action than detaching from this person. What might happen if I detach? Peace, happiness, greater self worth, relaxing environment, clean house, not seeing chewing tobacco shreds all over the damn house. Being able to come home at night and have peace and not worry or wonder what guy I am getting tonight. Staying attached has caused me nothing but grief. It was a necessary evil, I couldn’t pass this CPA exam as a single parent, my son was at a point where he was getting up all night and coming in my room, I couldn’t study at night after working all day, I needed support I needed a partner, but I did not get support I did not get a partner I got basically a baby sitter who talks shit. I really do not want to not see my baby every day. That was also a big factor in giving my husband a second try. He was working, he was contributing, but that again only lasted a year, he quit his job again without telling me and fell into a worse slump which resulted in the near overdose last summer and everything going downhill since. We even had a family intervention and that did nothing but get him to attempt to behave temporarily.

3. If I did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different from what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving?

I do not know what I would be doing different. Would I be trying to chase down something in my past hoping to make something out of it? Would I get hurt? Would it work? All I know is my life would be different because i would have peace. Maybe I will never be romantically linked to someone again, I visualize myself falling in love with me, being in shape, being happy with myself and my successes, finally being able to give my son 1000% of me and being able to be alone and happy with me, and that my sons love may be all I have and that is OK.

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sealionssc-blog · 7 years

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Same shit Saturday...

Last night when we were eating dinner just my son and I because my husband was laying down stairs. We brought him dinner but he wasn't ready to eat. My son turns to me nearly crying. Mommy Daddy was really mean to me all day. Now I know my son is not perfect at all and we spend most of our days yelling at him, but I knew exactly why he was yelling he must be out of something. And the fact that he bought an 18 pack of beer last night and drank 10 of them between 330 and 10pm. I'm pretty sure he's out of weed. Today I did something I don't normally do I told My son daddy drank 10 beers last night and he said 10? That's a lot that is probably why he was so mean. I felt he need a some kind of justification and he was really looking for it so I told him. I couldn't just keep letting him wonder. Last night my husband was also complaining he was so sick of being in the sun. Dude it's only been summer vacation week 1. I'll put my prediction in that by the end of august he won't be acting like dad of the year. The other shoe is going to drop and I seem to just be patiently waiting for it. Speaking of other shoes dropping I had to use shame and guilt against him today. I was cleaning up the house, doing dishes, doing laundry and he opens a beer before even noon. I went off I am so sick of being the only person able to run errands or buy groceries or go somewhere and be able to have an adult beverage because I am always the one stuck driving. I straight out called him an alcoholic and any chance I got right after I told him he was unbelievable. I said I was going to ask you to go to target to get the gift for the birthday party and he said to me you said to our son you were going to take him to target. You never talked to me that I needed to do anything today. Excuse me? Who the fuck opens a beer up on a day we have shit to do before even 12 without even a conversation? Ugh. 😡 I also received another letter from our healthcare warning my husband and his doctors about the potential issues of taking opiates with benzodiazepines. This is the second letter we have gotten on it in 2017. Issue is two separate doctors are prescribing this. I'm sorry but how long can a body survive this taking long term opiates and pills along with smoking weed and alcohol. Today my knee is jacked up and I am trying to not be a victim about it but I knew waking up I couldn't take my pain killers today so I had to suck it up another way, I tried walking around the house still painful, put my brace on and took my neighbors dog for a walk, cleaned house, did Pilates and went to take a shower and thankfully my brace is doing the trick. I'm trying to not have a victim mentality about this and say that the reason I can't take pain killers during the day is because one of us has to be sober, alert and present. Well I choose to be this way and not be on drugs or drunk around my son. So I guess it's really my choice. Just like I busted my ass today because I like having a clean house I did it for me.

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sealionssc-blog · 7 years

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under the bridge...

Ok today is a twofer but when I just went to work out on the beach I saw something that led to a trigger. I was walking down the hill and I see this guy throw a volley ball from the bushes at the bottom. I keep walking down I see two guys shake hands (I call bull shit) and 2 of them go on their way, the 3rd guy runs down the stairs on the opposite side of the bushes and obviously realizes he can’t get to where the other guy was. So then the third guy goes down where the other guy came up and he’s down there for a while. I so wanted to play chili peppers under the bridge on my phone as I was walking over the bridge. I’m so sick of people hiding to get high. It really set me off. Like when we go to my husbands moms house him and his brothers sneak off to get stoned like they are teenagers and come back like they did nothing and NO one can tell that they are flipping stoned. The EYES people The EYES give it all away! It drives me nuts that we cannot enjoy a family day without someone being on something! Same with how his mom always walks off to smoke her cigarettes, its’ so fucking annoying.

My husband does this same shit at home he hides and smokes his pot and comes back up to our son and expects our son to not know the difference, newsflash, WE CAN SMELL IT! I walk in the room after he does it even if it is the vape pen and I can smell it!

I guess the drugs are running rampant at the beach this summer, some guy OD’d on the beach in a tent right near our beach path this week.

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sealionssc-blog · 7 years

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We have officially hit a new low...

Last night in the middle of reading my chapter of the book codependent no more my mind started wandering. Which is normal I am usually all over the place. I can be in the middle of an intense meeting and be like hmmm do I have enough laundry detergent at home?” Yup this is me. I once read an Ellen De Generis book where she talked about this and I about fell off the couch laughing so hard. Anyways, my husband had gotten a full soma prescription of 60 pills. A few weeks ago or maybe at least mid-may I saw it disappear. I was thinking to myself he hasn’t been slurring or been “soma slow” as I refer to it and I have seen him taking flexeril not Soma. So then it dawns on me he has been smoking a ton of pot lately and had not just his pen, but actual joints. That has to be more than $60/2 weeks. Then it dawned on me. Oh my god he is selling his Soma’s for medical marijuana. So of course this dawns on me before I have to put my son to bed so I get on the bank website and sure enough, the ONLY withdrawal in may was like on 5/1 and he didn’t take another $60 withdrawal till 6/4 and hasn’t taken one since. Yup the weed has to be coming from somewhere. So great here we are his version of saving money is to slang. AWESOME.

So the activity from the chapter of my book is to go through a checklist and identify characteristic if it is a problem for you. Sorry this is a long one but probably necessary.

CARETAKING

-Think and feel responsible for other people-for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny. 2

-Feel compelled-almost forced-to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings. 2

-Feel angry when their help isn’t effective. 2

-Anticipate other people’s needs.2

-Wonder why others don’t do the same for them.2

-Find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they really don’t want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things for other people who are capable of doing for themselves. 2

-Not know what they want and need or, if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important. 2

-Try to please others instead of themselves. 1

-feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them. 1

-abandon their routine to respond or do something for somebody else.

-overcommit themselves 1

-feel harried and pressured. 2

-blame others for the spot the codependents are in. 2

-believe other people are making them crazy 2

-feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used. 2

LOW SELF-WORTH

-come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families. 2

-denty their family was troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional. 2

-pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, look, act, and behave. 2

-feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.2

-fear rejection 1

-take things personally 2

-have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment or alcoholism. 2-clarify emotional, neglect, alcoholism

-tell themselves they can’t do anything right. 1

-get strong feelings of low self-worth-embarrassment, failure, etc-from other people’s failures and problems. 1

-wish good things would happen to them. 2

REPRESSION

-push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt. 1

-become afraid to let themselves be who they are. 1

OBSESSION

-feel terribly anxious about problems and people. 1

-lose sleep over problems or other people’s behaviour. 1

-worry 2

-never find answers 2

-check on people 2

-try to catch people in acts of misbehavior- (ironically this is what triggered the revelation about the drug dealing) 2

-abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something. 2

-wonder why they never have any energy 1

-wonder why they can’t get things done 1

CONTROLLING

-have lived through events and with people who were out of control, causing the codependent sorrow and disappointment. 2

-don’t see or deal with their fear or loss of control. 1

-think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave. 2

-try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination. 2

-eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people’s anger. 2

-get frustrated and angry 2

DENIAL

-ignore problems or pretend they aren’t happening 1

pretend circumstances aren’t as bad as they are. 1

tell themselves things will be better tomorrow. 1

stay busy so that they don’t have to think about things. 2

get confused.

go to doctors and get tranquilizers.1

become workaholics. 2

watch problems get worse. 2

believe lies. 1

lie to themselves 1

wonder why they feel like they’re going crazy. 2

DEPENDENCY

don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves. 1

look for happiness outside themselves. 2

latch on to whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness. 1

often seek love from people incapable of loving. 1

believe other people are never there for them. 2

equate love with pain 1

stay in relationships that don’t work. 2

tolerate abuse to keep people loving them. 2

feel trapped in relationships. 2

POOR COMMUNICATION

blame 2

threaten 2

coerce 1

beg 2

bribe 2

advise 2

don’t say with they mean 2

don’t mean what they say 2

don’t know what they mean 2

ask or what they want and need indirectly-sighing for example. 2

find it difficult to get to the point. 2

try to say what they hope will make people do what they want them to do. 2

lie to protect and cover up for people they love. 1

lie to protect themselves. 2

WEAK BOUNDARIES

say they won’t tolerate certain behaviors from other people. 2

gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they never said they would. 2

let others hurt them. 2

keep letting people hurt them. 2

wonder why they hurt so badly. 2

complain, blame and try to control while they continue to stand there.

finally get angry 2

become totally intolerant. 2

LACK OF TRUST

don’t trust other people 1

think god has abandoned them 1

lose faith and trust in god 1

ANGER

feel very scared, hurt and angry 2

live with people who are very scared, hurt and angry. 2

are frightened of other people’s anger. 1

think other people make them feel angry. 2

repress their angry feelings. 2

cry a lot, get depressed, 2

feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment and bitterness. 2

SEX PROBLEMS

are caretakers in the bedroom 1

have sex when they don’t want to 1

have sex when they’d rather be held, nurtured, and loved. 1

refuse to enjoy sex because they are so angry at their partner. 2

withdraw emotionally from their partner. 2

feel sexual revulsion toward their partner. 2

force themselves to have sex anyway. 1

reduce sex to a technical act. 2

lose interest in sex. 2

make up reasons to abstain. 2

wish their sex partner would die, go away, or sense the codependents feelings. 2

have strong fantasies about other people. 2

consider or have an extramarital affair. 2

MISCELLANEOUS

cover up, lie, and protect the problem. 1

not seek help because they tell themselves that the problem isn’t bad enough, or they aren’t important enough 2

PROGRESSIVE

feel lethargic 1

feel depressed 2

become withdrawn or isolated 1

begin to plan their escape from a relationship that they feel trapped in 2

Next, it asks to mark it with a 1 if its occasional 2 if its frequently a problem. Bear with me I’m just doing the work.

The next question is how do I feel about changing myself? Well I am here at this point now, I believe it is time for a change, it’s time for people around me to change, it’s time for me to be happy. Shingles was an extreme wake up call that I do not want to be so stressed that I get sick. This morning I am sitting down working at home, my son is playing on his xbox and my husband comes up stairs, I’m wondering am I getting Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde today. My son is in the xbox store I told him he could look all he wants but we are not downloading anything. He sees my son is on the store and flips out, even cussing at him, Get the hell out of there, what are you doing, that is a load of crap, if I see that again I am taking the Xbox away. You are full of bologna. Then two minutes later he is walking over and kissing our son good morning and telling him he will go get donuts for breakfast in a bit. Yup this RIGHT here is a perfect example of what I want to get away from.

What do you think will happen if you began to change? I know what exactly will happen, he will get meaner, nastier and try to make my life a living hell. Focusing on me, I will be happier, skinnier, and moving towards a goal. It will allow me to spend more time with my son and put ignore the noise around me.

Do you think you can change? YES! In the past 7-10 days I have realized more about why I can’t change him, and can only change myself, I have become more self aware, but where I need to do the work is with consistency and follow through. I can learn all these great tools but I have to keep always in my head that this isn’t something that I can get too busy at work to do, it has to be done. This is one reason why committing to this blog and posting daily is going to help me to be consistent. I’m creating a morning habit of writing on the train or today in the living room.

#narcissism #codependency #addiction #self awareness

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sealionssc-blog · 7 years

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Even when the proof is in the pudding... I am still wrong.

I wa really going to try to keep this to reflecting and based on the reading but this morning was an absolute perfect example of the first post i wrote about how I am always wrong even when I am right. This morning we were arguing while our son was sleeping about ordering party supplies for my sons birthday part which is in another week. I am trying to do this as frugal as possible because frankly I just really don’t have the funds right now. So he throws out the words why are you waiting another day just do it now. I told him you are one to talk king of I will do it tomorrow. Perfect example the seal inside the toilet broke and it needs to be re-sealed. He doesn’t want me to call the landlord to have a plumber do it because he can do it himself. Well his excuse the first week was the inside of the toilet had to dry out. Ok that is reasonable but the toilet has been drying out for nearly 3 weeks now. So then he barks well we don’t have money right now so I can’t do it. I called it on him and said if you didn’t go to 711 so many times in one week I am sure for the price of the 3 tallboys you are buying versus a 12 pack of beer, that is his idea of saving money he could probably go to the hardware store and buy the sealant for less than $10! Then I added when we were driving to the train station, (we left my son at home (he threw a tantrum about being up at 730 on a summer day) it’s just down the straight to the train, less than 5 minutes round trip and our neighbors are home so I am comfortable with it.) you have been to 711 8 times since last Friday! He tells me Bullshit. I said how is it bullshit when it’s literally showing in the bank transactions that he spent $62. Beer, 7up, Gatorade and Chewing Tobacco. I give him $600 a month to spend on whatever he wants but he can’t go to the hardware store and buy sealant. This is why I am so broke. This is how our entire marriage is, I can show him I am completely right on paper but no, it’s bullshit, it’s fabricated, it’s a lie. He knows best. He looks at the bank too. Well if he looked at the bank maybe he would know when he is spending money and overdrafting our account. I call bullshit on that. Or maybe he looks, bottom line is he just doesn’t care.

So I read the next chapter in my book last night and it asks how would you define codependency, ummm I think I am a walking example of codependency good god. Next it was asking do you know anybody who has significantly affected your life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could change? Who? Write several paragraphs about that person, Later read what you wrote. What are your feelings?

Oh my god, do I know someone. My husband, do I wish I could change him? I think I have been unsuccessfully trying for close to 9 years now. Write several paragraphs? I think I have that covered I am devoting an entire blog to him.

So to kind of tangent off, I was having a discussion with my neighbor last night who is going through similar issues. I was discussing with her my readings and how I have been writing and she mentioned she has been doing some reading herself. We both were talking about how we discovered that our childhoods affect our codependency issues. I have been giving a lot more thought to that and was thinking this morning while I was getting ready for work about my mom. My mom died of cancer when she was 51. I have always tried to figure out why she got this cancer, she definitely wasn’t the most health conscious person, she was on the obese side, she had an addiction to food, she would feed us healthy meals but she had her stash as much as my Dad had his stash of beer. Was she really truly miserable inside? Did she hurt really bad? Was my Dad verbally abusive to her when he drank too much and that is why the alcohol got poured down the drain and the house became a no alcohol zone and she quit drinking herself. My parents fought a lot during the illness, I do remember at some point when i was in high school wishing that they would get a divorce. From what I know now with my own marriage, did these problems between the two of them always exist, and since my Dad was non confrontational and according to my aunt would hide from confrontation as if it was the plague, did everything just get magnified and come to the surface during the course of her illness. Did she get sick because of the fad diets that she tried over the years? The fact that she drank more soda than she ever drank water, was it the pesticides from her love or gardening? Was it a combination of one or all? Her sickness were horrible times, my sister even tried to commit suicide by taking my moms pain pills and her psychotic meds, I believe it was lithium as well as a bunch of tylenol when I was in junior college. We are all messed up from the illness. We continue to be messed up from the illness.

My husband asked me recently because his main issue is that he has a back injury and has had multiple surgeries and this is where the addiction to pain meds comes in, he treats this damn injury as if he has cancer, as if it is a death sentence and he isn’t doing anything to help himself. No strengthening his core exercises, walking, just usually lays around on the couch all day watching TV till our son is out of school, doesn’t clean, grocery shop, pay bills, or do ANYTHING that a stay at home person would or should do. No this is where my codependency comes in I take care of EVERYTHING. He is toying with having another surgery because his disc fusion failed. But unfortunately it is more complicated than just going into fix the issue because there is a screw near an artery and if they remove it there is a higher percentage of death. Also I guess there is also a chance of paralysis. So his question to me was if I have this surgery and I am paralyzed would you leave me. I said, “I really do not know the answer to that, I have lived through a terminally ill person who did not give up till the bitter end, if you are going to be the type of the person you currently are and be depressed and give up on life, I am going to take our son and run away as fast as I possibly can. If you can realize that life does go on, and you can work, and you can be happy then no maybe not”. But I do not believe that is our reality.

#narcissism #control #cancer #divorce #codependency

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sealionssc-blog · 7 years

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Codependent? Holy ****

Last night I finished reading my first book and jumped into another book. “Codependent No More” My friend read this book when she went through marital issues with her husband and I have been sitting on the decision to start this book for myself. I really did not know what the true meaning of Co-Dependent was until last night. Man that was an eye opener, such an eye opener that I cried through the first chapter of the book. I really felt that WOW I know exactly what these women are going through. The book actually gives you activities at the end of each chapter and last night it asked what are the observations. A passage that really stuck out to me was the following:

“Codependents were a necessary nuisance. They were hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with, generally disagreeable, sometimes downright hateful and a hindrance to my compulsion to get high. They hollared at me, hid my pills, made nasty faces at me, poured my alcohol down the sink, tried to keep me from getting more drugs, wanted to know why I was doing this to them, and asked what was wrong with me. But they were always there, ready to rescue me from self-created disasters. The codependents in my life didn’t understand me, and the misunderstanding was mutual. I didn’t understand me and I didn’t understand them”

Wow over the course of 9 years, I have done all those things to my husband. I have hid pills, left nasty letters, I found that he was hiding his muscle relaxer soma’s inside a shoe to keep me from finding them, I have begged and pleaded with no answer or response, I have called his pain managements to call him out, do a pill count, but they don’t care no one wants to listen to me because I am not the patient. He always accuses me of not wanting to be involved in his care, but he has never once said, Hey I have an appointment will you come with me?” I am pretty sure that I did get him kicked out of one pain management in San Diego and he switched to one where we currently live. He said it was better location wise and saved gas money but I think the honest to god truth is they booted him.

The author of the book asks the question what helped you think of yourself? Which relationships did it bring to mind? Why?

Well that is a loaded question for sure it absolutely made me think of my husband for sure but it also made me think of my Dad. My Dad always drank a 6 pack or so a night and I always thought well he’s perfectly normal because he goes to work, functions and provided for our family, so what if he relaxed. Well here goes another admission, I would be lying through my teeth if I didn’t admit that I am a child of an alcoholic. Even though I grew up in a great family every family has skeletons in the closet. My Mom was on to my Dad about his drinking and I do remember one morning after they had a family party at the house she probably poured out 1000′s of dollars in booze down the drain. She made a rule that there was no alcohol in the house. So he drank in the garage, he drank in his office after hours at work. I realize now that he is so afraid of confrontation that he just went along with what my mom wanted regardless of whether it made sense. How my Dad survived all those years without a DUI really boggles my mind.

Speaking of afraid of confrontation, I went through an entire issue with my step mom that didn’t end well, to make an extremely long story short but i am sure I will dive in on this at some point because I am still upset about this, she basically told me what a horrible daughter I am, she told me my son needed professional help and he is a disturbed child. I am person non grata in their home, I have no closure and I of course told my Dad that I would move on and forgive but not forget and I am just keeping on even though I am dying inside over this, I feel there are so many things left unsaid to her, but for him I would move on. WOW I am really a CODEPENDENT Asshole. It’s almost as if my Dad took advantage of my Codependent tendencies so that he could avoid conflict in his marriage. I have not seen him in almost 12 months because this happened nearly a year ago. I have no plans to see him and his birthday was a month ago and I am still sitting on the birthday card and present I bought him. I just don’t have the energy or feel the priority to send it. Horrible daughter strikes again, me being late on gifts was one of her grievances towards me. My son and his friend drew all over the envelopes to the point they are unusable and so I plan to just throw the cards in the fathers day card envelopes and call it a day. My step moms birthday is today and I am not even acknowledging her. Over it.

I realize now that I have so much work cut out for me raising my son. He is also a child of an alcoholic, drug addict, and narcissist. How on earth am I going to protect him from becoming any of these. Therapy is what keeps calling out in my mind. Lots of Therapy. I can’t remember if it’s the book that I am currently reading or the book that I just finished reading but it talked about how the parents go through therapy to work out the issues and most of the time do not realize the scarring that the children received. I need to get on that. This will be a struggle and a fight because I really doubt that he is going to agree to this.

To go off on a tangent I was thinking this morning on my train ride in about my husband's narcissistic traits. I noticed that when I am trying to better myself he is always trying to drag me down. Most recently I have been trying to get in shape. A coworker of mine always lives by the rule of “never buy bigger pants” well mine are tight and it was time to do something. So when I am eating a healthy dinner he is always like have another helping you know you will be hungry that is stupid to not eat if you are hungry and then the a** offers me candy or cookies or whatever god forsaken thing he is chowing down on late at night because he smoked a ton of pot and now has killer munchies because he has hardly eaten all day. I have also been working out for 2 months now and starting to see some results and man is it a battle to get a work out in. If I come home from work and say I am going to go straight to working out he uses our son against me. “Oh mommy is too busy for you” “Oh mommy working out is more important than you” Luckily my son knows it is absolute BS and is more upset with him about the words coming out of his mouth rather than he fact that I want to work out. The more I try to better myself the bigger dick he is. As my clothes are going to start fitting better the meaner he is going to get. Let’s not even get into what I went through while studying for my CPA exams over the past 2 years. The negative energy and verbal abuse I received over that could take days to elaborate on.

One of the topics that the last book i read on narcissism addressed is setting boundaries. I really need to get on that. I was thinking today how he always expects me to just jump in with our son the second I walk through the door. I remember a time when he was working full time and making more money than me, a lot more, he had a rule when he got home from work he got 45 minutes before he would even talk to me about anything, he needed to decompress, so instead of you know doing something like relaxing or exercising, he would get on the phone with his mom or brothers and talk to them. How in the hell could he talk to them but not talk to me? I never understood that but I am about to set a boundary I want that same respect, maybe not 45 minutes but I want some time to decompress, but I will use the time to work out. I went to dinner with one of my best friends last week and I got to actually talk about my day, vent my frustrations and i came home from dinner and was able to 1000% focus on my son, it was one of the best weeknights I had in a LONG TIME. Oh yeah he doesn’t let me talk about work when I get home, he tells me that he doesn’t want to hear about it and I need to focus on our son. He has obviously forgotten what it is like to work. Well yeah that is another loaded topic.

#narcissism #narcotics #alcoholic #control #codependency

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sealionssc-blog · 7 years

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I’m married to a narcissist, control freak, addict.

There i have said it, admitting it is the first step correct? I texted my best friend tonight who is in the mental health field and asked her the key word. Do you think my husband is a narcissist? I’ve decided to take it upon myself to start reading up on the subject. The book I have been reading ma be a little on the extreme side as I do not believe my husband leads a double life, he is not a cheater, or at least I don’t think this has happened since our son was born because that would require him to hold down a job and that would also require him to actually have friends and have a life. So back to my best friends answer, it was “Yes and I wanted to tell you that for years, Thank you for asking me nicely”. I asked her for her observations and she had about 20 text messages worth, for the hell of it I am going to document it here.

1. Self entitlement, always thinking his way is the best way and the only way despite the fact that he is almost wrong.

2. Lack of gratitude for anything that anyone does for him.

3. not looking at himself in the mirror and not seeing any wrong doing.

4. Feeding people what they want to hear when he knows that his life is in distress, then turning around and doing the same thing over and over.

5. Thinking that he is more special than he is, and by that I mean, Take his old job for example. In that short time that he made that money he thought his talent is something that should win him a high-paying job every time despite the fact that he truly has no credentials.

6. Telling you how to parent when he in fact is a first time parent himself, first example was telling you that you were nursing your own baby wrong.

7. Inability to accept the fact that he has an addiction, has walked out of therapy, and thinks everyone is full of shit but himself.

8. When you get to the critical part of narcissism and it’s most clinical sense. The fact that underneath all of his bullshit, and sense of entitlement, and full of himself behavior lies a little boy who does not feel good about himself. So he overcompensates. And the worst part is that he believes it.

9. It helps a little bit that he is surrounded by a family full of the same addiction, and mental health issues that enable the shit out of him. he knows that they do and that is why he is always made it a point to force you around them.

10. Narcissists are big time users, they do not care that they hurt other people’s feelings, and truly believe someone will take their shit for the rest of their life.

11. The fact that the man knows his marriage is in the toilet, and feels horrible about himself as he does, yet continues to behave the way he does is clinical narcissism. He truly thinks that you are going to take it forever and not leave him I guarantee you.

I am absolutely surprised that she did not make it to #20. I reached out to her about it because I have been reading this book called When love is a lie. For my first book about narcissism it is actually one that really discusses an extreme case. The person in the book had a significant other who fit the textbook profile, would appear and re-appear on her since they aren’t married, he would cut off contact and do stuff to mess with her mind, and he led other lives running off to other women when he was ditching her and then when the narcissistic “supply” as she called it would run out and he would be back. While reading the book I of course start to think well “he isn’t THAT bad, but that is why I posed the question to my friend, am I in denial about how bad it really is? Apparently from her perspective it is an overwhelming YES. He may not be cheating on me with women and I think that has been the one redeeming quality that has been keeping me around. No matter how bad it gets at least he is faithful. But then that brings out another aspect of this, the prescription pills, medical marijuana and of course Beer. Truth be told I am actually cheated on EVERY SINGLE DAY! Every time he decides to abuse his pills, drink a 6-12 pack of beer at night, spending money on this stuff versus helping out with the household expenses, paying for something for his son, he may not be sleeping with someone else but his decisions are almost worse than cheating on me, at least cheating would be cut and dry. But this is just a whole other level of crazy.

One thing that the book discusses is the only way to rid yourself of a narcissist is to go no contact. Reading about this brings up something from the very beginning of our relationship 13 years ago. The book said that during the no contact period it will drive the narcissistic person nuts and they will want to get in contact with you, be with you, it will drive them nuts that you are ignoring them. They will turn on the charm, be sweet, tell you how much they miss you just to get you back. Well this makes me think OVER and OVER again about how maybe this should have been the biggest red flag in the world, it makes the sweetest story about how we finally got serious but IS IT? If I knew what I know now would this act of ignoring him because he wanted to be a player and be free and “enjoy his summer” and his “boys” i decided enough was enough because he was putting me through an emotional ringer and I cut off contact, I believe I finally did it after I walked in a bar one night, in fact the bar that we met at and I saw him kissing another girl. I texted him hope you enjoyed your night she was fugly. ( I wasn’t lying she really was). I cut him off after that and then after 2 weeks then came the sweet emails, he even called me at work! He dropped off flowers out of the blue at my house, so there I was hook line and sinker and from that moment on we were a couple. He did try to leave a couple of times, he always accused me of cheating and that I was cheating on him if I discussed our relationship with guy friends, if I asked advice of guy friends, it was ridiculous. So if he was not a narcissist would my attempt at no contact had the same result? Probably not because I had a boyfriend who was kind of flaky and I tried the ignoring him and it never got me anywhere. With my husband maybe a part of me felt I conquered him, that I won. I love winning I really do, and I am the type of person who HATES to be wrong and REALLY REALLY hates when I know I am right but the other person will continue to argue till the day that they die that i was wrong.

I have been going back and forth after having discussions with my friend who is going through a similar situation as me, although i feel hers is much worse with the ramifications of her husband's actions but I really have been wondering if I am co-dependent. I think the next book I plan to read on this self discovery journey is Co-dependent no more. But there is a passage in the book that says,

“A flip side of co-dependency which she refers to as covert narcissism which rang true for me that, having grown up in a family where as a child I was forced to take on adult responsibilities and do care-taking for people around me, my own normal healthy narcissistic needs were ignored. Co-dependency has similar traits as narcissism when you really examine aspect of this care-taking role, primarily of a “false self” that is unrealistic- expected to always be understanding and self-sacrificing and never angry. These and other qualities of co-dependency can add up to a “not real” person wouldn’t you say? The codependent person becomes entangled in an over-focus on others (originally on the addicted person” Payson goes on to say that a primary problem in addressing issues of codependency is difficulty with the inherent issues of “covert narcissism, which often gets lost and remains unidentified because they are hidden or invisible to us who were trained to be co-dependent”

Holy crap did this hit home, what resonated with me was the false self that is unrealistic, always expected to be understanding and self-sacrificing and never angry” My mom was diagnosed with a terminal cancer when I was 15. THIS was my life for 7 years, always trying to maintain a good attitude, always trying to be positive, fake sense of self was a dead ringer.

Yup I think my next book is going to be on co-dependency. I ask myself do I regret marrying my husband? No I don’t think so, I think I regret staying this long. I love my son, he is absolutely beautiful but as I discover these traits about his Dad it keeps me up at night thinking How am I going to keep my son from being a alcoholic, drug addict, and now I have to add narcissist? But the one thing that this little guy has going for him is that I come from a good family, I am successful, he is watching me not take his Dad’s crap and I as his mom am going to set him up to be successful, not by giving him everything in life but giving him the tools necessary to BE successful at life.

I have a feeling this blog is going to be all over the place but hopefully it is an outlet for me, as I try to end this marriage once and for all. Try to move on, I did this 3 years ago and took him back, because he “CHANGED” which is a whole other story. I could probably continue to write on this topic and go off on tangents all night, but it’s 9:36pm and I have to go put a 7 year old to bed.

#narcissism #narcotics #alcohol #control freak #co-dependent #co-dependency #divorce #running away

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