my irl friends follow my main account and I often don't want them to see my vents
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IF YOURE MY MOOTIE OR IRL AND YOU SEE THIS ACCOUNT I REBLOGGED FROM THE WRONG ACCOUNT PLEASE DONT SCROLL FURTHER FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
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im generally pretty happy but every few months everything will built up and ill spend up to 3 days being incredibly miserable and wanting to die then itll be fine agian
#the constant cycle#im just gonna yap about all the factors leading to this specific crashout cus its not like anyone is reading it#in the past few weeks ive been very busy and its been super tiring and ive barely had enough time to do things i enjoy#and i feel like ive just been falling behind on everything#yesterday and today were definitely my tipping point#i joined this reheasals thing which i dont really enjoy#yesterday i had to do that and it was very stressful because i had to talk to people i didnt know#and also yesterday i found out that my bestie is moving to a different maths set to me so im going to have to do maths by myself#also i may or may not have a break detention which i am terrified of authority and very much a goody two shoes so this is bad#as well as that today i had to text the person running the aforementioned club about the fact that i want to leave which was very stressful#and tehres this one girl dont get me wrong shes nice but shes very clingy and keeps appearing in parts of my life that i dont want her in#and i felt too tired to go to my piano or drama club today and i feel really bad about that#the final tipping thing was my friend being really annoying and unserious when i was trying to ask him an actual question#and i just started crying#and now i feel like shit and my room doesnt even feel cozy#and its summer so its gonna be light for a few more hours and i kinda have reverse SAD where the sun just makes me miserable#i hate everything
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I hate when sitting in my room feels equally as shit as going out places this is meant to be my safe space
Doing things is stressful and exhausting but not doing anything makes me feel guilty
#everything is awful and im going tondie#everything has just been building up to be incredibly awful#ive got to survive another 3 days of school then im free for a week#then ive got 8 more weeks to survive until summer#idk how im going to make it through 8 weeks desr god
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I never knew these levels of intense misery and self loathing were possible!!!
#im generally a pretty happy person but a few days ago something in me snapped and ive been really miserable ever since#im probably being dramatic and i know this isnt actual depression but its certainly new#the last time i felt this unhappy for this long was when i had to get rid of my dog
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my friend said to me "well youre just getting more confident and that means making more mistakes :)" and i get he was trying to be helpful but it just told me thta by being louder i only make others suffer. my happiness requires those around me to be more annoyed and more upset.
#making an effort to text people less#and not start conversations#people liked me better when i was friends with really toxic people who forced me to hide myself#people like me more when im quiet#and you know what fine i will just hide if thats what people want from me
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Coping by thinking of ways I'd like to hurt myself and making my ocs hurt tthemself in those ways
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I want to feel pain but I'm too much of a coward to actually hurt myself
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I want to stab a pair of scissors in my neck so badly that it scares me so I'm going to go to sleep
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I hate myself because no matter how much I try I can't help but be a massive dick to everyone around me. I don't try to. I don't want to. But I can only seem to hurt people
#tw vent#cw vent#vent cw#vent tw#feeling very miserably#i took a joke too far and upset my friend by accident#but my dramatic ass takes “that upset me but dont worry about it” as “youre a terrible friend”#which quickly spirals into sobbing for hours in end and isolating myself and self harm#recently i have begun learning what intense self loathing feels like#i was to tear off my skin and dissapear forever#ive been not responding to the friend im question in hopes that he will go talk to one of his better friends who isn't a toxic ass bitch
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