sedulous-sub

[sedulous-sub]

How do I reconcile being a submissive while still supporting feminism?

Well, it's simple, I have never once believed or been made to believe by my dom that I am in any way below them or less equal than they are just because of my gender.

Do I enjoy being told what to do by my dom? Yes, it absolutely makes me weak at the knees and switches something in my brain.

Do I enjoy being held accountable and having his rules to follow? Yes, that's what I asked him to do and it's something we both need. It's a power exchange and is always consensual.

Do I enjoy being called his dirty, squirmy little mess of a whore? Oh my goodness, yes. My stomach does this little flippy thing and everything starts to tingle.

The important factor here is that it is my choice. I choose to allow these things and they were all mutually agreed upon when he accepted my submission. I need these things because it's who I am. I agreed to them or requested them freely with no coercion. No pressure. Not based on any sort of gender stereotypes.

Do I also believe that I am beneath him and that he is better than me, uhm, most definitley not!! He's wonderful in every way but he's always my equal.

Do I deserve the right to the same jobs, wages, opportunities, opinions and respect as him? Damn right I do!

Do I believe that he will be right there as one of my biggest supporters in all of these things and everything I try to achieve? As sure as night follows day. He will be and he has proven time and time again that he cherishes and respects me.

This is just based on how we do d/s and you may do it differently. However you shape your relationship is up to you, there's no wrong way as long as its safe, sane and consensual.

The idea that you can't be in a d/s relationship and be pro feminism and anti misogeny is just down right ridiculous! No matter the gender on either side of the slash, respect and equality is never optional.

[sedulous-sub]

Never underestimate the little things, they mean more than you can imagine.

Send that surprise selfie. Share the song that makes you think of them. Tell them you're missing them. Send them a cute and silly love letter. I promise it will make them smile.

[sedulous-sub]

The hypothetical masochist..

My dom and I are in a long distance relationship, it's not ideal, we both wish we were closer but it is what it is and we make the most of every second.

I've mentioned previously that he has vastly more experience than myself and has tried everything at least once. I on the other hand grew up as a baby sub through a combination of Kik chat rooms and Tumblr. Not the best place to start, but once I found this world and realised who I was I couldn't just leave it, its who I am. It does mean that there are many things I am curious about. That I have seen played out and that I have researched. That I have no real life experience of and so I don't actually know if, in practice they are for me.

And so I question whether I am a masochist or if I'm even allowed to call myself a masochist when I don't have the scout badges to prove it.

I've dabbled in spanking. I'm quite the fan of clover clamps, I'm not adverse to pain, my threshold is quiet high and I get a quiet calm from certain kinds. The thought of breath play and choking and the like intrigue me and make me gooey. My list of "kinks to try" grows daily as I see things that set my brain off in a swirl. But still I question myself. What if, in practice I don't like it as much as I think I will?!

The only thing I'm sure about is that for him I would try anything. This is his body and I trust him to use it however he needs and however he thinks I need. I also trust him implicitly to know when to push my boundaries and when I've reached a limit.

I know that he loves me and I know that he cherishes me and for that I will give myself over to him willingly and push myself to make him proud.

And so for the time being, I remain a hypothetical masochist. Hopefully one day that shall change.

[sedulous-sub]

Do I adore being your good little Babygirl?

Yes!

Do I adore being your messy little squirmy slut?

Also yes!

Do I have a point to this?

Absolutely not.

[sedulous-sub]

They should feel as though they get more of you than everyone else.

They should feel as though they get the parts of you that nobody else gets to see.

The parts that are just for the two of you.

And that's how you make them feel different.

That's how you make them feel special.

That's how you make them feel "yours".

[sedulous-sub]

They should feel as though they get more of you than everyone else.

They should feel as though they get the parts of you that nobody else gets to see.

The parts that are just for the two of you.

And that's how you make them feel different.

That's how you make them feel special.

That's how you make them feel "yours".

[sedulous-sub]

Why do I crave submission?

I think there is always room to debate whether a submissive is born out of nature vs nurture. I have no doubt that what some of us encounter in our formative years will make an impact and effect who we are as adults. Predominantly however, I think it's just who you are.

To the outside world I may not come off as submissive. I'm not bold or brash or loud but i learned from an early age to keep a quiet air of calm composure (think graceful swan above the water and legs a paddling beneath the surface). I have a fairly important job, I am a reliable support structure for my friends and family, I run a household. I can take on a lot and still manage through life without asking for help. In fact I absolutely hate asking for help and feeling like I'm giving up some of the control I fight constantly to keep.

A lot of this is what makes submission so important to me. That release and calm and trust that comes from handing over the power to make choices and decisions. Knowing that he is my perfect opposite and that my need to submit is just as strong as his need to push my boundaries to help me grow.

The consistency and structure that it brings to my life when I can often struggle with too much going on inside my head. It helps to ground me and focus me. He is my lighthouse when I'm lost and all I can see is storm.

When I don't feel as strong as I need to be and my resolve breaks, he is always there. With just a message or the sound of his voice, he can anchor me and stop the swirling in my head that threatens to break me.

I have such an overwhelming desire to please him and make him proud. Not just for praise but because it calms me and gives me a sense of purpose. I need to feel useful and I need to feel that I'm making just as much difference to his life as he does to mine.

Being a submissive isn't always easy. Being a dominant isn't always easy. That's what makes d/s and being a submissive so beautiful to me. That complete exchange of power and the mutual respect and trust that it demands. That he trusts me enough to follow his lead and I trust him enough to value my submission and let him lead me.

[sedulous-sub]

The only thing that makes me feel safe enough to give up the overwhelming control I have over everything, is his control. When he's in control I can let go in that moment and feel free.

[sedulous-sub]

Hey, d-type lovelies! We love to see you just as much as you love to see us. So don't hold it back. A lot of us s-types may have trouble asking for what we want and need. We want to see you. We want to see how you feel about us. We want to seeeeeee what the things we do for you, do to you!!! We want this to be give and take. Seeing you turns us on as much as you seeing us does. We maybe just have trouble verbalising that sometimes.

Just saying...

[sedulous-sub]

Dominants. If you are going to accept a person's submission, you need to be prepared for all that this entails. Yes life can get in the way. There will be ups and downs and there will be some days where one of you will be stronger than the other. But basic human needs such as communication and support should not be optional. Even more so in a d/s dynamic.

You have told this other human that you will be their rock. You will be there to lead and guide and support them. It's totally unacceptable to then disappear off the face of the planet when times get rough or you are not feeling it that day.

Tell them you are busy but thinking of them.

Tell them that your anxiety is up and you may be less conversational but still contactable.

Tell them that you're going to be out of contact for a few hours but set a time to re-establish communication.

Set boundaries, communicate your needs and your level of activity for that day, let them know what you can realistically give.

Please don't leave their messages unanswered. Please don't tell them that they are bothering you or that you don't have time for them. Please don't tell them that they can't message you.

You are just as human and susceptible to the same ups and downs as everyone else but that doesn't give you free reign to be an asshat. All you are doing is teaching your submissive that they can't trust or rely on you.

And to all you submissives out there, yes, everybody's relationship is different and levels of communication vary massively. But please don't accept this kind of behaviour. A dominant making you feel bad or too much for the basics such as keeping in touch throughout the day is a big flappy red flag. If they don't have the capacity to message "good morning" and "good night" then they don't have the capacity to be a dominant. You deserve more.

It takes 30 seconds to send a text saying "I'm swamped with meetings today. I'm thinking of you and we will make time for us when I finish work".

Your submissive will always be your biggest support. You need to be ready to give the same amount of effort in return.

[sedulous-sub]

We see so many stories and posts about bad doms, and whilst I agree that a bad dom can cause more harm due to the inherent power exchange in the relationship, there are just as many bad subs out there.

So here's a shout out to, all the amazing doms who step up every day and take their responsibility seriously.

Thank you for all that you do.

[sedulous-sub]

Sending inappropriate asks and unsolicited naked pictures is just as bad when girls do it to guys. Being gross is being gross, irregardless of gender. Stop it and have more respect for yourself and other people.

[sedulous-sub]

Subs, you're allowed to be the strong one sometimes.

Doms, you're allowed to be the sappy one sometimes.

Tumblr d/s isn't real life. Its not all doms in suits and kneeling subs. It's not black and white. It's a relationship like any other and it needs give and take on both sides. It's supposed to be loving and it's supposed to be fun. You're not doing it wrong if it's right for you.

You don't need to try and strive for the fake, photoshopped, perfect d/s portrayed here. All your imperfections and badly timed giggles, wobbly days and things that don't go to plan are your version of perfect d/s and that's what you should strive for.

[sedulous-sub]

Hey, d-type lovelies! We love to see you just as much as you love to see us. So don't hold it back. A lot of us s-types may have trouble asking for what we want and need. We want to see you. We want to see how you feel about us. We want to seeeeeee what the things we do for you, do to you!!! We want this to be give and take. Seeing you turns us on as much as you seeing us does. We maybe just have trouble verbalising that sometimes.

Just saying...

[sedulous-sub]

The only thing that makes me feel safe enough to give up the overwhelming control I have over everything, is his control. When he's in control I can let go in that moment and feel free.

[sedulous-sub]

If you can't both laugh during sex, especially when things go wrong, are you really with the right person?

[sedulous-sub]

I saw a post recently which suggested that being a slave (in the d/s context) had a deeper meaning than being a sub. That as a sub, they had the choice to say no if they weren't in the mood to do something and as a slave, they couldn't. And it bothered me until I sat and thought, "that's just how they do it".

I think we all need the reminder sometimes, that how we live this lifestyle is entirely personal and different to how the next person will. And it only bothered me because being a sub is so important to me. As a sub, I would never think to myself that I could just say no if I wasn't in the mood to do something my dom had asked me to do. My version of 'sub' has just as deep a meaning as their version of 'slave'.

At the end of the day, these are all titles that we give ourselves. What they mean to one person is entirely different to the next. There is no one true set of rules to live this lifestyle, it's just what works for you and is safe, sane and consensual. You can have no rules, no punishments or a 10 page contract full of each. It really doesn't matter as long as everyone is happy and satisfied in the relationship. There needs to be more acceptance and less judgement about how people live their dynamic.

My one sticking point (and a slight tangent) is always going to be safewords. I see so many posts lately about how being a slave means giving up your safeword and it scares me. I truly believe that everyone should always reserve their right to have a safe way out of a situation. Sub, slave, dom, master, mistress, little..everyone should be able to feel safe enough to stop something when they need to. But again that's just my opinion. I just feel that it's important to point out to people, that 'slaves having no safeword' is not a rule, especially to those who may be new to the lifestyle. If you choose to live that way, so be it, but if somebody tells you factually, that's just how it's done, then don't accept that and run.