selfdiscoffeery

[selfdiscoffeery]

I've stopped blame myself for this, I realise its not 100% my fault. It's Murphy's Law— what can go wrong, will go wrong. If there's any other chance to be "us" again, maybe we still ended up like this. Not because of me, because someone choose left us in a mess. Because someone keep running and blame the worlds for this. Because someone doesn't even try to fight for everything what we had. And, I stop choosing you, I don't deserve this feeling. I see the disrespect signs so many times and I still choose to stay. You might be right I am saving you, but I believe God saved me more. Please forget mine so I'll forget yours. Let's evolving on each other journey. Let's be free on each others mind. Let's just disappear on each others world.

In Case Everyone Forget.

I started writing this to actually end things. Ending every doubt in my chest, Ending every "what ifs.." in my head that not comes to and end. Ending and get up from the little rock I used to sit and waiting for all of you to just saying something real, to say and fight for me, for us. Imma drop this forever. I was my fault, I am the one opened the doors for us. I can't take the blame for the wind, the ashes that comes in between us. No more waiting, no more hoping for some real conversation, there's no point to stay and hoping everything will back at the exact same place where we used to. I left the restaurant. Today. The day I know how you made me feel after I left the town. The day I know you busy hanging out with new people around you, people that you mocking in front of me. That day you choose it, instead of cleaning all the mess in here, as a grown up person. That day. I would never forget. You're traveling with my heart. Make me questioning what we had is real? Make me questioning our friendship, questioning about being loyal to each other. Make me questioning myself twice and more. Make myself in a war. Alone. I was so naive, like all of you, if I don't admit I was happy. The truth is.. I was. I am happy. I just need proper closure for us, I still waiting for it until now. But, lets drop this, forever. I can't forever translating soul to soul. As I said, we never started in the same ground, I can't just bloom in your ground, in the ground that you never taking care of. We keep losing translation, we keep assuming everything, I become what you think, and you become what I think. The worst of it. I don't need a minutes more to explaining, at the first place, it wasn't only about me, it's never about my journey. I just don't get it why this is so hard when its feel so simple? But none of those matters between us, anymore. I was so denial to believe that one of you were really not appreciate my existences there. Meanwhile, I fight every second to be there, I choose hardly to be there, for people that never listen to my story, for people that sleep when the deep-talks start.

I wasn't full of anger. I just want simply being heard and understood. Or maybe you're right. I gets so irritated easily, with literally everyone. Or maybe I just want to tell you how I feel as human being. You think I am in anger because I'm arguing so much, but I just simply expressing myself, because I want to being heard so bad. Not to defending myself, or fix something broken. I just, I don't know, I just enough for this. All of these mixed feeling. The unspoken feeling. Explaining nothing. I risk it all, I risk every part of my life, my job, my character, to unknown people, to people that lonely, and just need their life steady, don't wanna talk anything at all meanwhile I give every pieces of peace and story I've got. I left the city, yes. I never choose to literally left, I never giving up on soul, on people. But this is seem not fair to fight. Its seem you all not worth fighting for. When no one literally fight for me. Ah, fight? Too hard. They barely ask about me. How the hell they know how to fight on somebodies soul? We busy to translating our soul instead of asking what we really want, as a dear friend.

I guess you don't know what you got 'til it's gone. I never hope you learn something, but I hope these all worth it. Every time you spend with them, every laugh you do with your new people. I hope its all worth it for you. For all of you. And if its really happening around you, the happier you want to be, beside the burden or scared to just simply ask your friend, listen your friend while she was around. Please remember thats because of me— Its because you carrying all my doubted-hearts, in the name all of you. So as Paulo Coelho said:

"Close some doors today, not for because of pride, incapacity, or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere."

Thank you for never ask about me, never care about the truth why I left. Thanks for giving up on me, the moment I realise everything, I know that you are not worth every good pieces of me. I didn't regret what we had, I just mad at myself for choose being there in the mean time I can just left long time ago. I know "sorry" ain't the cure. But I'm saying sorry for the sake of us. I am closing the doors.

[selfdiscoffeery]

Just like lost— has its own found.

I met myself thousand times. I found myself again and again, in some ways, in different ways. I have been everywhere. I've been in every sounds, between loud and silent, being heard or forgotten. I have been in every table, serving and waiting, until no one serves anything in my plate. I've been existing in every timeline. giving and grieving, sometimes— burning. I have been everywhere, darling. I've been elsewhere from nowhere.

I see myself in the middle of the cliff. Hanging into nothing, be there, for a long long time, don't know how to jump but still can't take a step back. I see myself, on and on, until I'm met myself when I was a kid, and I just can't say sorry for growing up differently.

That was written in early 2023. All the mixed feeling, until now I know whats literally missing in that version for myself. The reason why I keep found myself again and again was— I willing to do everything for everyone, when no one do one thing for me. And, for now on. Let me do it for myself. Let me falling in love with myself, to the deep deepest of my lungs, my bones, and every firm of pain. cause theres might be no more myself in this version. I just simply believe I am enough, just once, I am enough for myself. Not for everyone around. Not anymore.

I have been everywhere, darling. I've been elsewhere from nowhere. Just like lost has it own found.

[selfdiscoffeery]

In Case Everyone Forget.

I started writing this to actually end things. Ending every doubt in my chest, Ending every "what ifs.." in my head that not comes to and end. Ending and get up from the little rock I used to sit and waiting for all of you to just saying something real, to say and fight for me, for us. Imma drop this forever. I was my fault, I am the one opened the doors for us. I can't take the blame for the wind, the ashes that comes in between us. No more waiting, no more hoping for some real conversation, there's no point to stay and hoping everything will back at the exact same place where we used to. I left the restaurant. Today. The day I know how you made me feel after I left the town. The day I know you busy hanging out with new people around you, people that you mocking in front of me. That day you choose it, instead of cleaning all the mess in here, as a grown up person. That day. I would never forget. You're traveling with my heart. Make me questioning what we had is real? Make me questioning our friendship, questioning about being loyal to each other. Make me questioning myself twice and more. Make myself in a war. Alone. I was so naive, like all of you, if I don't admit I was happy. The truth is.. I was. I am happy. I just need proper closure for us, I still waiting for it until now. But, lets drop this, forever. I can't forever translating soul to soul. As I said, we never started in the same ground, I can't just bloom in your ground, in the ground that you never taking care of. We keep losing translation, we keep assuming everything, I become what you think, and you become what I think. The worst of it. I don't need a minutes more to explaining, at the first place, it wasn't only about me, it's never about my journey. I just don't get it why this is so hard when its feel so simple? But none of those matters between us, anymore. I was so denial to believe that one of you were really not appreciate my existences there. Meanwhile, I fight every second to be there, I choose hardly to be there, for people that never listen to my story, for people that sleep when the deep-talks start.

I wasn't full of anger. I just want simply being heard and understood. Or maybe you're right. I gets so irritated easily, with literally everyone. Or maybe I just want to tell you how I feel as human being. You think I am in anger because I'm arguing so much, but I just simply expressing myself, because I want to being heard so bad. Not to defending myself, or fix something broken. I just, I don't know, I just enough for this. All of these mixed feeling. The unspoken feeling. Explaining nothing. I risk it all, I risk every part of my life, my job, my character, to unknown people, to people that lonely, and just need their life steady, don't wanna talk anything at all meanwhile I give every pieces of peace and story I've got. I left the city, yes. I never choose to literally left, I never giving up on soul, on people. But this is seem not fair to fight. Its seem you all not worth fighting for. When no one literally fight for me. Ah, fight? Too hard. They barely ask about me. How the hell they know how to fight on somebodies soul? We busy to translating our soul instead of asking what we really want, as a dear friend.

I guess you don't know what you got 'til it's gone. I never hope you learn something, but I hope these all worth it. Every time you spend with them, every laugh you do with your new people. I hope its all worth it for you. For all of you. And if its really happening around you, the happier you want to be, beside the burden or scared to just simply ask your friend, listen your friend while she was around. Please remember thats because of me— Its because you carrying all my doubted-hearts, in the name all of you. So as Paulo Coelho said:

"Close some doors today, not for because of pride, incapacity, or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere."

Thank you for never ask about me, never care about the truth why I left. Thanks for giving up on me, the moment I realise everything, I know that you are not worth every good pieces of me. I didn't regret what we had, I just mad at myself for choose being there in the mean time I can just left long time ago. I know "sorry" ain't the cure. But I'm saying sorry for the sake of us. I am closing the doors.

[selfdiscoffeery]

Sebagai anak terakhir, aku terlahir sedikit tersingkir. Masa kejayaan keluarga yang mulai pudar, serta tingkat kepercayaan diri dan kebiasaan-kebiasaan keluarga yang sudah tidak pada tempatnya.

Pada awalnya, aku tidak terdidik seperti ini. Sejauh yang aku ingat, aku dididik dengan baik dan penuh rasa, tapi sepanjang perjalanan menua-ku, aku ternyata tidak disitu, aku jauh dari kata cukup, aku tidak merasakan sebagaimana pantasnya aku dianggap sebagai anak.

Aku banyak dengar kata-kata ini; "jadi orang tua itu susah, kamu belum pernah, jadi kamu ga akan tau rasanya." bahkan dari mulut orangtuaku sendiri, aku mungkin gak akan tau rasanya diposisi sebagai orang tua, tapi sebagai manusia yang juga punya hati yang bisa merasa— perasaanku sampai, dan aku cukup mengerti.

26 tahun aku tumbuh, bersama beragam manusia yang hadir dihidupku. Sebagai anak terakhir dikeluargaku, aku akan tetap menjadi anak yang tak tahu apa-apa dalam hidup, tidak berhak berpendapat karena pengalaman dan pengamalanya paling sedikit, aku terlahir bak manusia tidak punya urusan, tidak punya kehidupan. Urusan mereka menjadi urusanku, tapi urusanku tidak pernah menjadi urusan mereka. Aku terlanjur memberi ruang yang luas pada hatiku untuk mengkosongkan tentang mereka, dan mereka terlanjur tidak mengerti. Aku terlanjur menutup rapat-rapat segala hidup yang aku punya untuk membatasi sebatas penting apa mereka pahami, tapi mereka juga terlanjur tak paham apa yang aku inginkan.

26 tahun, aku tidak pernah ditanya baik-baik layaknya seorang manusia yang punya hati dan mimpi, "sebenarnya apa yang kamu kejar, dalam karier, pendidikan, hidup?" bahkan sebelum ditanya mungkin mereka sudah bergumam mengolok-olok apa yang aku usahakan dalam hidupku sendiri, kata yang masih teringat dalam benakku saat kecil dulu aku bercerita apa mimpiku hanyalah sebatas kalimat; "mimpi jangan terlalu tinggi, harus sadar kita siapa."

26 tahun aku merasa hidup sendiri, tak ada yang mempercayaiku, sekalinya aku mampu, aku tidak diizinkan menjadi diriku sendiri. Bahkan aku tidak tau sebenarnya apa yang mereka harapkan dari aku. Aku tidak pernah menjadi siapa aku sebenarnya dihadapan mereka, karena mungkin mereka tidak sepeduli itu bagaimana aku menjalani hidupku. Aku simpan bagian terbaik dari diriku untuk orang-orang yang memang pantas mendapatkannya.

Dalam beberapa waktu, perdebatan berlalu, ledakan demi ledakan atas hidupku pun hancur. Tapi, ternyata puing-puingnya dibiarkan berantakan begitu saja. Tanpa tanya. Tanpa mengapa. Tanpa bicara. Layaknya tak terjadi apa-apa. Aku hancur dan mati terkubur disitu.

[selfdiscoffeery]

I wonder how this world works. A friendship, especially.

I watch a lot of my friend, one by one moving on, with life, with new person, with a new whole new thinking and idea.

I didn't say it was new journey for forgetting their life with mine, but at some point if I were them, I will still be me, I will not change, I'll still choose stay being me. For them.

As a people pleaser back then, it is really did nothing into my own life, it doesn't change anything ahead of mine except perspective, even I would sacrifice a life for them, and no one of them would do that for me. I didn't know how it supposed to be, as a human being, I'll do my best for my companion, and circle.

Turns out, I am still here. At the same spot where everyone left me, at very precise point where I was standing a long years ago, I never moving on, I am not let the new begin.

[selfdiscoffeery]

You can say whatever you want to say without think what will caused in their life. You can moving on with your life that feels like you not hurting somebody at all. Besides, the person you've hurt can moving on too with their life that you thought is perfect, full of laugh and happiness. But the truth is, they carrying all the doubted-word you've been said to them, they pretending your words is not killing them alive, and they not let you know one tears that drop in the name of you is wrecked all the life that they trying to build. They happily living in agony.

[selfdiscoffeery]

I don't need prove something to anyone. I don't need someone's approval. I do what supposed to do. I'm not living for impressing everyone around me. And if this world is competition for you, I'll let you win.

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[selfdiscoffeery]

the whole you is beauty✨ https://www.instagram.com/p/CSNpMxcpa4K/?utm_medium=tumblr

[selfdiscoffeery]

[selfdiscoffeery]

[selfdiscoffeery]

Read it backwards. ✨ https://www.instagram.com/p/CSNk_7hJlFp/?utm_medium=tumblr

[selfdiscoffeery]

[selfdiscoffeery]

—No need to describe who the real you to everyone, they will think whoever you are based by themselves. Focus be real for your own. https://www.instagram.com/p/CSJzdemlskc/?utm_medium=tumblr