sellidionne

[sellidionne]

I love these vibes

[sellidionne]

same dress six months later

[sellidionne]

Forgot to post it here but I released an experimental track a couple of months ago.

This track is my attempt at conveying emotion through sound without lyrics.

I dont sing on it so it might seem pointless to start with an instrumental track but it's very important to me and I'd like to know how it makes you feel. What emotion(s) do you feel when listening?

For me, this piece is longing and grief but also hope. It marks the fifth year of missing someone who meant a lot to me. It took me five years to realize that life will continue to go on even when they're missing so I might as well make the most of it.

[sellidionne]

🍃🍃🍃

[sellidionne]

difference in my skin over the last year

[sellidionne]

anyone else hate their singing face or is it just me?

[sellidionne]

body dysmorphia fucks me up because how are these taken minutes apart? I look completely different? how does this not relate to the mirror? what do I even look like?

[sellidionne]

why do I look two feet tall

[sellidionne]

imma start dumping my car selfies here

[sellidionne]

work outfits are about to be cute as heck

[sellidionne]

I'm thinking about posting my videos of me singing in my car here.

I record myself so I can try to get better and hear how I improve if at all but I dont want to spam my usual socials with them because theyre honestly shitty and idk but I also think that some feedback would be helpful so maybe I'll post them here and hope that someone notices lol

idk, I just wanna make this dream of singing to pay my bills a thing and I cant do that without getting better 🤷‍♀️

[sellidionne]

so

I dont use this much anymore. I hate that the remnants of my teens are here because wtf was I doing? but theres too much to delete and idk if you can like delete all posts or whatever so theyre just gonna stay I guess?

but I wanna be more active here again

[sellidionne]

why can I never stick with a hobby?

I blogged for a couple of years, had 12k followers, then I just got distracted and stopped.

started a youtube channel, got 1.2k subs, 92k+ views, got overwhelmed and quit.

started writing and making more art, started getting more attention from that and not I have no motivation to do it.

its like i get in my head too much and I feel pressure to do it for others instead of myself

[sellidionne]

I'm trying to get used to singing in front of people, of being on camera, of seeing myself, all of it.

I cant sing when I'm anxious so I always suck and mess up words but here's to like, idk, day three of consecutively forcing myself to sing a little in front of the camera

[sellidionne]

🍒🍒🍒

[sellidionne]

SEVEN YEARS LATER AND I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM. I MISS THIS GUY SO MUCH

how part of my conversation with jay went

him: why did I call you? Im really fucking drunk but i still managed to call you how did that happen?"

me: I have no idea. maybe because you know im the only one whos still awake at this time

him: i think its because youre the only person from vent that i actually give a shit about

me: why is that?

him: i dunno like I'll be on there scrolling past everybody and then you show up and im like damn

me: *laughing* oh really?

him: yeah. guys on there talk about you all of the time and say how pretty you are and how much they wanna fuck you, they tell me that all of the time and they compliment you all of the time. I'm sure you like it, I know you like being told that you're pretty, but it makes me angry

me: why does it make you angry?

him: because theyre all just a bunch of fuckboys and here I am wanting to say the same things so i feel like that makes me a fuckboy too. youre hot as hell and Im not even gonna lie i would fuck the shit out of you but youre also interesting and i like talking to you but saying that makes me sound like all the fuckboys. i dont wanna be a fuckboy but i feel like telling you about my sexual attraction to you makes me sound like one

me: Ive known you for almost a year, youve taken the time to talk to me and know me, I know youre not a fuckboy lmak. its different

him: maybe it is. they all still piss me off though

*five minutes later*

him: selina?

me: yes?

him: youre really fucking sexy

me: Jay?

him: hmm?

me: you are too

him: aahhh im drunk, dont do that dont take advantage of me like that *laughs* I just wsnted you to know that

*later*

him: ...

him: why arent you here? ....in my bed, smoking with me, underneath me, why arent you here?

him: *before I can answer, clears throat* i need to pull myself together, im getting out of hand. you know me, Im not usually like this, but you've never talked to me while I was this drunk and I start telling way more than i should when im drunk. dont tell me what I said in the morning, okay?

me: okay, I wont, I promise

him: okay. I just know i'll overthink it when im sober, hate that I spilled so much to you. but I probably won't remember so just.. dont tell me tomorrow.

[sellidionne]

I HAVE AN AMERICAN IDOL AUDITION