sentimentalistexistentialist

[sentimentalistexistentialist]

One backyard, two snowy days, one done a number of years ago, one yesterday. Both January. One light, fresh fallen snow in the golden late afternoon. One in the twilight with older compacted snow and overgrown brush. Positioned on my wall about where the scenes actually meet in real life. The passage of time.

L: Snow (2019), acrylic on canvas.

R: Snow (2025), acrylic on canvas.

[sentimentalistexistentialist]

I was always the sort of person to be busy all the time. Then I got a brain injury and everything had to stop.

This impacted, and continues to impact, my entire life. Everything fell apart, from my handwriting to my emotional control to my ability to write and make art. And I am still so tired all the time. It felt like reverting back to childhood in some ways and was terrifying. I was in great distress and became very depressed over my state as well.

It has been about a year (more or less) since the damage. My brain has been very slowly healing. I get so frustrated with waiting, and I do not want to be patient. There is always the concern of just how much I will actually get better. But I am able to drive more often, read, write, and make art, although I don't feel my art at all matches the quality and style I was making before.

There are positives to this, though. For instance, I am impressed by the kind of expressive kinetic energy my work often has now. It's been kind of freeing.

Today I took an entire day to make art. I wanted to see where I was and how much I could do. Seemingly the answer is one piece that requires a lot of concentration and one that doesn't before I am pretty well overcome with fatigue.

However, the piece I concentrated on, although it took a very long time for me to accomplish, reminded me a bit of my old work. And the piece I didn't was delightful and fun!

It might not seem like much, but I will take it.

Still life with Valentine's Day trees, 2025, graphite on rough sketch paper.

[sentimentalistexistentialist]

Recently, like many of us, I examined my relationship with social media.

I realized I was using it as a coping mechanism. I had always had a tendency to cope with big feelings with outside things, and not always the healthiest things 

When I began using social media differently, I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt at a loss. I couldn't remember what I filled my time with before.

I ran across the concept of a "dopamine menu." I might be a little late on this one, but I thought it was a cute idea; basically it's a little handmade list of activities you can do when you need a mood boost, to complete a difficult task, or to avoid unhealthy habits. I think it's intended for those with ADHD; I don't know that I have ADHD, but I figured my brain seemed to have a need for something if I was scrolling so much.

I thought about how I would have made a menu as a child. Well, there would have been lots of pink, purple, and hearts, and I would have copyrighted it. 😂 So that's what I did-- purely fun, no pressure, and joyful!

I feel like it is very easy to slip into the social media trap of isolation, overconsumption, stress, depression, and comparison. I don't think I'm alone in feeling a little lost both with and without it.

Plus, if you're an artist, a fun activity like this is great for creative block!

[sentimentalistexistentialist]

Many days have been ultra cold where I am. It hasn't been this cold in a long time.

I know this bitter cold has very significant downsides.

But, I think it's important to seek the beauty around us and remind ourselves to immerse into the environment once in a while.

Outside my window I see the shadows get longer and there is a blue glow all around. It's cold enough that the moisture in the air has frozen to surfaces, leaving everything clean and dry. Despite it all I still see one very large squirrel and many birds of all types flocking to my feeders. The black oil sunflower seeds stand in stark contrast to the white ground, until they slowly begin to blend into the blue.

With this little moment I feel calmer.

I know I have been rushing too much, on to the next thing, heal faster, get better so I can DO something with my life. The view outside my window reminds me that sometimes things need to be frozen for a bit.

Little unseen things are continuing on, entirely without concern for our human goings-on, even in the dead of winter.

2025 charcoal and conte study from a photo taken by a friend in Boston. Hoping to translate this to a painting.

[sentimentalistexistentialist]

Do you ever feel the urge to have some of your pieces out where you can see them? I think I need a second bulletin board.

[sentimentalistexistentialist]

Maximalist vintage-y Christmas wreath for a candy bathroom ❤️

[sentimentalistexistentialist]

The first pastel still life I did and two Monet pastel studies 💜