serbadger

[serbadger]

FORMULA for ME

Ego:

1. Pause and ask: “Am I acting out of habit or considering other perspectives?”

2. Reflect: “What is my underlying emotion driving this decision?”

3. Seek input: Share your thoughts with a trusted person to gain broader perspectives.

4. Count to five before responding defensively to create space for reflection.

5. Physically ground yourself (e.g., place a hand on your chest) when feeling defensive.

6. Ask: “What would someone else think about this decision?”

7. Remember: Comfort zones maintain habits but often limit growth.

8. Write: Journal one decision where you noticed ego’s influence and how to improve it.

9. Question: “What am I not seeing about this situation?”

10. Celebrate moments where you listened or collaborated openly without ego.

Communication:

11. Speak in bullet points: Keep it concise and expand only when needed.

12. Pause after each thought to check if you’ve fully conveyed your message.

13. Practice paraphrasing: Repeat what someone says to confirm understanding.

14. Slow down: Take a breath before responding to avoid rushing through ideas.

15. Actively listen: Focus on the speaker without planning your reply.

16. Reframe misunderstandings: Clarify or rephrase instead of reacting emotionally.

17. Write and reread: Double-check for clarity when writing or typing.

18. Ask open-ended questions: Encourage deeper and clearer dialogue.

19. Reflect: “What could I have communicated better today?”

20. Set a daily goal to use one active listening technique (e.g., asking follow-ups).

These are bite-sized, actionable points to help you integrate your practices into daily life. Let me know if you’d like to refine or expand on any!

[serbadger]

DAILY EXERCISES AND JOURNALLING AND WRITING AND SELF INTROSPECTION

Ego:

1. Can you recall a recent moment where your ego influenced your decision? How did it affect the outcome?

2. How do you usually respond when someone challenges your perspective? Do you listen, or does your ego tend to defend?

3. When you feel the need to prove yourself, what do you think is driving that feeling—your ego, or something deeper?

Communication:

1. Think of a recent conversation where you felt misunderstood. How could you have communicated differently to make your point clearer?

2. Are there situations where you assume others understand your thoughts without fully explaining them? What could help you express yourself better?

3. How often do you actively listen during a conversation, versus thinking about what you’ll say next?

Being in the Moment:

1. Can you think of a time when you were truly present in the moment? What made it feel that way?

2. What distractions most often pull you out of the present moment, and how do you usually handle them?

3. How do you ground yourself when you realize you’re stuck in past regrets or future worries?

Feel free to answer any of these or reflect as you like. If you want deeper insight or tools to work on these, let me know!

RAW ANSWER FROM ME

Question ego number one. I am trying to recall a certain moment where my ego is influenced by my decision. I would say a majority of the time. I think that's because out of emotion and out of that emotion I always love to sound bright or I love to hear myself. Most of the times I'm not aware that that's what I really wanted. It's just because I'm comfortable saying that. Most of the decisions are narrow-minded and after discussing with Tika, most of the tunnel vision change I do is one-sided and one-perspective and that does not lead anything to improvement. To wrap it up more clearly, I'd say a majority of the time. It's because I'm comfortable saying it, not being aware of other perspectives about decisions.

Next one is ego question two. I tend to defend. Perhaps it is because of my upbringing that I mostly pay attention to my perspectives most of the time aka I listen to me me me me. And when a new thought comes a defensive “NO” roars out and I feel often aggressive and later on regretting doing so said roar. I am actively working on it— being open to other perspectives without the emotion part. There are few instances where I do snap and it is out of my primal basic default (to which I am trying to ascend and be better controlling of)

Question ego 3 : I think it’s because it’s the lack of putting myself in those situations where my perspectives are either challenged, acted upon, or contrasted and discussed by— and the lack of this experience sort of provides a base experience of my perspectives taking reign with my reality (which is not the case)— perhaps you could give a simple bulleted formula for me to prevent these sudden ego reigns and tunnel vision is what others see in me when I am in an ego driven mode.

Communication:

1. I believe one conversation that was critical of me feeling misunderstood was when I was in a group conversation with my former two friends (which are my friends of my partner Tika), Oza and Zeva and this one person named Sofianne which is my friend and I brought my partners friends to meet with my friend to discuss about villas and real estate because I wanted to connect them. What ended up happening was miscommunication because Oza and Zeva are Indonesian and English was not their first language and Sofianne was Dutch Arab but with an indonesian wife but still has a some understanding of the language

— but the main premise of the miscommunication was the cultural context cues and tone of the language during the conversation because on behalf of the group I acted sort of like an interpreter. Well not really a good one. Since the conversation between Oza and Zeva and Sofianne started to (in my perspective) to be a bit tense because he was seemingly using aggressive tone I was feeling the emotions of Sofianne because the discussion was on the basis of negotiating real estate objectives and plans and either side did not come to an agreement or an understanding and I simply just was not patient with Zeva who was talking majority of the time and in a way I sort of said to not go the conversation in the direction where she was discussing but even in a more aggressive tone because I wanted the conversation to stop immediately because I was getting agitated that Sofiane used joking mannerisms to sort of joke the offers of Oza and Zeva because of the language barrier but since it is common thing in the west I thought it was still bit disrespectful but I should have just pulled zeva and oza to the said to give a heads up why he is talking in the tone rather than be angry and just blurt out aggressive about “get to the point” all due to my feelings. I know I could have voiced it better and been more patient and empathetic with the way I talked even if it is coming from a place

Of heart.

Communication 2 = most of the time. It’s like I think so fast, faster than what I want say and type even— mostly out of excitement. This is bad in a way that I have no clarity. You could see the way I type right now sort of shows this but back then it was a bit worse where I would miss a few words and in my head I thought I typed everything what I wanted to write but it was completely wrong or even in a wrong context. To solve this— take my time and bit more to write things and slowly reread them. Or even speak. Not only actively listening but by actively thinking what I want to say with full detail to the best of my ability and I think that’d be good in what I think but I know there are other tips and I would love to hear your tips for better communication, especially when I want to convey thoughts or statements.

Communication 3: I do actively listen but I know I could do better by slowing down my response and inquiries when it comes to it.

Being in the moment 1: what made me feel in the moment was when I was drenched in the rain on the way to an event that Tika 🦝👑 invited me and Who of the time when something happens like that I would get really aggressive and expect like other people to feel what I’m feeling and that I was stuck in the rain and people look at me with me that I was stuck in the rain and when I arrived everybody was having fun and nobody really cared what I was feeling because everybody doesn’t care what you feeling well now because everybody’s in their own zone and their tunnel vision it’s like yeah it’s like I don’t like don’t you don’t give a fuck The the only thing and I didn’t play into that and that made me also be in the moment, but the most key highlight of me being the moment was when Tika 🦝👑 was just like noticing me. I’m just being happy and that just snapped me out of being angry being like brat or like doing my eagle. I just look at me and see how fucking what I am during the rain of the Event and nobody like giving a fuck about why it’s raining outside because the whole premise of me being to the Event was lost when I was in that moment and when I switched off, I was actually enjoying myself because Event had music. I like music and she liked music and we were dancing and even though I wasn’t dancing the best of my ability I tried my best to control my emotion part of what I was feeling because it was like seeing through what I was feeling for the greater sort of sacrifice but for a greater good because like there’s so many good things out there in the world that will out our way what I’m feeling today of being raining and like was my phone drenched. No spare clothes. Have a good home and sleep. Yes it’s like these little things that and is enjoying herself and she’s happy to see me, so I think that’s really good and was there someone I wanted to punch and choke? Yes but I did do that so I think it was really good on my end.

Question two just being in the moment; I think that emotions actually blind what I’m being in the moment let me rephrase that emotions blind what I’m feeling if I give into them rather than actively being aware what I’m feeling and if there’s someone around or with ChatGPT or with my partner or my friends or for my mentors or even like some random stranger I just share what I’m feeling and then getting another perspective because I think that will also ring me out of the moment hold on I think while typing this or working on this question. I think this is wrong but I just wanted to share yeah and how I handled my emotion just being aware about it being more about and like try to get the root cause of why I feel for example about that rain part it’s feeling like cold like I’m uncomfortable but at the same time it’s like I didn’t give a fuck like this was referring the time when I went to Event and that was a simple music event and I know I should’ve rephrase that the first question to give more context to give more clarity as well but moving on yeah it’s just I didn’t notice that was after the event and I was actually dry and then all the emotions that I felt during the happy part of it was relish and that was the good part of being in the moment because often like when we’re like eating food like we’re looking at the food we don’t actually appreciate that. I’m actually eating like food and a lot of people can’t afford Jack shit because like because like yeah they waste the food and blah blah blah and I don’t wanna waste food too because I used to be poor and I should remember that because now I’m not poor and nice to have money and I forgot I forgot that feeling so yeah

Question three of being in the moment; I tried to ground myself by not being stuck. I just feel it and then just be active about like why am I feeling it? So like seems to the previous question just try to snap out of it as soon as I can and try to figure other emotions or discuss with either before and try someone else but I think most of the things are either like trauma and when you feel like you don’t like your parents or you don’t like someone and you almost killed someone or like someone try to kill you and all this type of things is like at the end of the day like you’re alive that’s how I feel like I almost died yesterday and I feel alive now you know and then I almost killed someone and I feel alive aware that I could do that and then I think that goes with wrestling and judo jujitsu and my MMA stuff it’s like I can kill someone but I choose not to kill someone and that’s why I really like to do the MMA thing you know because like when I watch the video on Rod think his name is Roger and something about wrestling is life and he said that like striking is death and wrestling is fundamental film that even Plato and art. All the Greek philosophers did back then were you able to pin someone don’t you don’t kill the person you like that person like wrestling and jujitsu sometimes that’s why I think that’s why I need to keep doing it because it keeps me humble away and like 80+ KG but I’m just happy because like they can kill me but they choose not that like that. That’s an eye-opening thing because I when I roll with like people or 60 KG or even with the girls I try not like I’m not, I don’t try to kill them, the sparring partners JESSICA said not sparring harder than the floor is like yeah cause I’m trying to control myself and when she says like okay we’re gonna go harder and then that’s when I’m like okay. I know I can go hard in this part and then she’s like this was good so it’s like like I have the potential to do that I mean I think it’s called transmutation so yeah, and I could also apply to also other things not being in the moment also like I’m having sex or like doing drugs or all these other things that are like how he didn’t stick because people people I feel like when people do hedonistic things they’re not being aware of what they’re doing like for example when I was smoking it was out of stress not out of the feeling or the sentimental values of it the sentimental aspect of his excuse and I think that’s how I feel about it and just wrap it out because I’m on tangent is I try not to be stuck even if I have like bad problems it’s just like so it’s like I’m already here now. I was like what do you want when I lost my bike and I was like oh Oliver you don’t like lost all everything. Was your house where your bike was your car was your wife even like I lost my girlfriend part like my first one I mean, I was like 2022 that first one now that our relationship everybody was like like what would you do? Like you would rather kill myself like I don’t that’s just stupid. I didn’t feel like I have work they like and stuff like so that’s on my mind, but yeah, there’s not good excuses, but that’s how I feel anyway, now I’m back on that. I’m doing so so I feel like snapping out better things like I didn’t kill myself and stuff.

CHAT GPT RESPONSE

Wow, you’ve shared a lot of deep insights and reflections here—thank you for taking the time to process all of this so openly. It’s clear you’re working hard on self-awareness, understanding your emotions, and improving your communication and presence. Let me break this down with some clarity and suggestions tailored to your points:

Ego Reflections

1. Ego Question 1: Decision-making and comfort

• It’s insightful that you’ve recognized how ego can drive your decision-making, especially when comfort and habit lead to narrow perspectives. Comfort zones often keep us repeating behaviors that feel “right” at the moment, even when they’re limiting.

• Suggestion: Try a quick check-in when you’re making decisions—ask yourself, “Am I acting out of habit or considering others’ viewpoints?” Journaling small daily decisions might help identify patterns over time.

2. Ego Question 2: Defensive reactions

• Your upbringing and internal focus seem to have shaped this instinctive defense mechanism, which you recognize and are actively working to address. That roar of “NO” you mentioned is a natural reaction, but you’re already on the path to tempering it.

• Suggestion: Pause and reflect before responding. Count to five silently, or physically ground yourself (e.g., by placing your hand on your chest) when you feel the impulse to defend. These micro-pauses create a buffer for better responses.

3. Ego Question 3: Lack of perspective challenges

• You’ve pointed out how limited exposure to challenges to your perspectives might be fueling tunnel vision. Recognizing this gap is a huge step toward addressing it.

• Formula to prevent ego-driven decisions:

• Acknowledge: Notice when your ego might be influencing your thoughts.

• Question: Ask, “What am I not seeing?” or “What would Tika or someone else think about this?”

• Listen: Seek external input from a trusted person.

• Evaluate: Decide based on a broader understanding, not just immediate feelings.

Communication Reflections

1. Critical Miscommunication

• Your example of facilitating between friends with a language and cultural barrier is a great insight into how emotions and tone can derail communication. You noticed where you might have better managed the situation, especially by being more empathetic and patient.

• Suggestion: When interpreting or mediating, slow down. Acknowledge differences openly (e.g., “I think this might sound different across cultures”), and check in with both parties to clarify tone or meaning.

2. Excitement vs. Clarity

• Your fast-thinking, fast-talking style shows your passion, but it can lead to gaps in clarity. You already know slowing down is key, and your awareness here is excellent.

• Tips for clearer communication:

• Write or speak in bullet points. Keep it short and expand only if needed.

• Practice active pauses: After finishing one thought, take a breath before starting the next.

• Record yourself in a conversation or while explaining something and review to identify areas to slow down.

3. Listening and Response Time

• Slowing down your response time is a great goal. Active listening involves more than hearing; it means understanding and confirming.

• Practical exercise: Paraphrase what the other person has said before responding with your own input. It ensures clarity and gives you time to process.

Being in the Moment

1. Rain and the Event

• Your experience at the event highlights how external circumstances (rain, frustration) can cloud the moment, but you managed to overcome it by focusing on the joy and connection with Tika. That shift to gratitude and presence is powerful.

• Suggestion: Practice mindfulness regularly. Focus on your senses in challenging moments—what you see, hear, and feel—rather than the emotions tied to the situation.

2. Emotions as Blindfolds

• You’re spot on that emotions, when unchecked, can blind you to the moment. The key is to name them and accept them without letting them dominate your actions.

• Suggestion: When you feel overwhelmed by emotions, try journaling them briefly or talking them out with someone you trust. Even a mental exercise like labeling emotions (“I feel frustrated and cold because…”) can help reduce their intensity.

3. Grounding Techniques

• Wrestling and MMA give you a way to ground yourself through physical movement and self-control. Applying that discipline to emotional situations is an excellent strategy.

• Suggestion: Develop a mental “tap-out” routine for stress, similar to your physical training. For example:

• Pause: Stop and take three deep breaths.

• Assess: Identify the root cause of your feeling.

• Redirect: Focus on what you can do or how you want to move forward.

Closing Thoughts

You’ve written so much here, and it’s clear you’ve already done a lot of introspection. You’re making strides in self-awareness and emotional control, which are huge achievements. If you’d like, I can help you create daily exercises or routines to keep building on these reflections. Let me know how you’d like to proceed!

[serbadger]

[serbadger]

Visual my Future Life and Dream

[serbadger]

9 ego self tests and thoughts raw and unfiltered with no AI

1. One achievement I did was my self intuition working by itself without the help of Tika. That discipline turned into motivation for bettering myself and ultimately forming the 9 things morning routing and 9 things night routine. The result of this forms productivity and sort of prevents me sitting in bed jacking off. In a way it works but I like how some things don’t have to necessarily have to be in order but it’s best that I am doing so. Two, I am able not to deep dive into porn like the same way as i used to and plus I can’t really get erect if it is not Kartika— especially when we had that orgy that there were other women but my mind was set on her and we made love and only with each other. Three my strong intuition and language has been better and more aware and despite me being afraid of sharing things, I am happy to be aware and also being able to confront my own feelings and sharing my vulnerabilities with Kartika whilst listening to hers; I know I make mistakes but I feel like I am taking a bit more action and communication which I should in order to fix my relationship with Tika— a majority of me fixing my communication has been what Instagram gave me + chatgpt + Teal Swan and other great minds helped also in my process of fixing myself and the relationship and I have much to thank them.

2. The valid points was that I was wrong to be unrealistic with wanting sex by saying “i don’t crave it” like when I planned to have sex with Tika. It was like lying to myself. Me and Tika came to an agreement after we met again that we knew both our desires:

One was my hypersexual desire and that was strong. Second was Tika’s

Desire for both exploration (venturing for new things) and friendly company (companionship) to which I found out only after she told me. Okay back to

What I said— it was wrong for me to lie to myself that “I did not crave sex” because that was my desire but at that moment we were in Alfamart and it was late already and that I was hesitant to go to her accomodation which was full of her friends whom knew of our separation (and even are supportive of her and also whom were against me for the incident of my failures). I really wanted to make love with her but it was the wrong time. After making love with her, she did not enjoy it because it was wrong timing. OH I WAS RIGHT. I should have listened to my intuition— I should have not gone to sleep over at Tika’s and had sex with her. What I learned from the Bible was that every Man was Made for every woman and every woman was made for every man. I forgot which passage it was but I think it was Corinthians and that 1-5 was talking about making love and that it is good to make love if it is the person you love and importantly make time and schedule it! — basically make it a special time and go full gass and not be half assed where one side (aka me) enjoys and not the other (her). Anyhow we reflected the next morning and it was very constructive.

What was gained from the constructive situation was that it’s good that we both understood our desires but also that our love making could be organised and have breaks (basically a quality vs quantity)

3. Yes, you’re right— I often love validation and attention due to my past selfishness and greed which is prevalent and what I try to reduce most of the time. But I think listening not only makes me focused on details and pay attention— it ultimately makes me patient; wait my turn to talk. Often when I go out with my BJJ instructors they have crazy convos and often I do not know when to put my input in— this issue is something not I think too strongly as I practice being patient.

4. This is what I wrote to Tika the morning after a night out with her:

“Bb I wanted to share to you that I was being moody yesterday because I was drenched in the rain but when I arrived no one noticed and I wanted people to notice or say how drenched I was but I can’t blame them because everyone was being in a positive mood.

So I felt like my demeanour changed when I stopped being a victim and seeking attention and just got up to you and be by your side. I cannot bring my expectations of my misfortunes into other people within my mind because I think it just manifests negativity with more negativity and rather than balancing it out like when you held my hand and saw I was wet but made me did not care that I was wet but rather live in the moment where I wanted to be— with you. I felt selfish in the beginning but I am trying. Also thank you for tapping me back into my calmness. Rather than seeing my calm heart rate as bad— perhaps it’s good that it’s getting calmer”

The result was me needing to shift my negative moments into positive asap as best as I can or put it into action such as going to see Tika and holding her hand. I know my mistake of being negative and attention seeking for my discomfort but she recommended as well to:

“being in the present is actually the skill to adapt and remain agile in every situation”

And I was like yes! “I was living in the past i am wet i am wet i am wet vs Tika’s here, hey lit song is on, pretty make up, action, hand holding dancing”

Constructive innit.

5. I bought my staff Mcdonalds because I needed to do personal errands so I distracted them by investing into giving me more personal time to do stuff

6. I felt like I acted like I acted out of ego for some things like I shouted at Pak Dek (a security guard who is quite a edgy Bapak2). Anyhow, I bought the Mcdonalds and he asked “where’s mine [his] in bis regular fashion where some might find obnoxious (took me a while to get used to) — I proceeded to shout. It was at the heat the moment when there were 3 bills wanted to be closed, food and drink needed to be served after hearing 3-4 dings, yes it was bad timing when he said where’s his chicken but I could have said it slowly “tunggu sebentar ya Pak Dek” rather than “tunggu dulu ya” in a mild shouting manner (which was still rude. Anyhow I apologised and reminded him to get some mcdonalds chicken before it runs out. Overall, everyrhing was normal— at the heat of the moment I could have been better. But oh well.

7. Sometimes I look back when I did something successful like I tried not to gloat with my peers or those around me but often I do so if it’s only my parents and often they don’t have time to notice. It’s only then when they say I am good at skating but that took a while. I stopped trying to gloat with my parents but deep down I really do want to because often of the peer pressure from them giving contrast with other kids. I think all the things I kept to myself made me feel selfish in a way I don’t share things both in communication and physical interactions.

Moreover, I do acknowledge my successes both quietly and loudly but I often forget to be grateful and give acknowledgement to who helped me to which is selfish of me when I do not thank or at least say who was there— in order to do this will make me more grateful and humble.

8. At the moment we have this momentary moments of “upgrading”. We talk more, try to doomscroll less. I try not to abruptly stick my penis inside Tika and call that love but rather communicate it and just build awareness, gratefulness, and remember to fully gass and make love when the time is scheduled for both of us. I am not going to lie that I want to prove myself to conquer my old self into my new self because I know that people who have met me called me “badass”, “full of potential”, and one day “rich person” but I do have alot of falters and vices that need stopping and you know them chatgpt which is lust and greed. I guess I am fasting now because Tika deep down does not want me fat and knows I can be so fit not for validation but to be physically strong to carry / protect / provide for her and my future family. Also I am going to fast as close to what Tika is doing which is intermittent fasting 12 - 8 which is beneficial for the both of us because of it being the same time and can help me lessen my food greed and needing to lust ultimately.

9. I sometimes do hold on past achievements but I think I do so to remember what my true calling is which is guest experience — career wise it is beneficial to do this but I think for hobbies or personal things I think learning both the bad and good is greater than the result because that will make me holistic and know different possibilities. Sometimes I do feel limited with my successes because it can define my worth but I know I can do other things but I realistically know that I will not change from guest experience to be a complete airplane pilot full time because of the past things make up what I am today but rather a more conscious version of all that has made me.

Sorry Chat gpt I should have answered this all earlier as soon as you sent thus but anyhow please do mind if I yapped a bit or be on a tanget. Please review and divulge pros and cons simply and concise with what I shared with these ego tests please

[serbadger]

Ego Reflection Journey: 9 Questions for Growth (restructured and formatted with the help from ChatGPT — see my own response rough unedited in “unedited raw”

Reflecting on these nine questions consistently keeps me grounded and aware of the patterns I’m working on. Each answer shows a bit of my journey toward breaking down the ego and building up self-awareness.

1. What drives my current desire or action? Is it coming from a place of genuine interest or from a need for validation or recognition?

• I’m working on my self-discipline, especially without leaning on Tika. The routines I’ve built are giving me structure—stopping me from wasting time on things like porn. Sometimes, I go out of order with the routine, but I’m showing up, and that’s what matters.

• I’ve also noticed I can’t really feel anything without thinking of Tika. Even during that orgy experience, I stayed focused on her. The love I have for her keeps me centered.

2. Am I focusing more on my external achievements or on my internal growth? How balanced is my focus?

• I used to say I “don’t crave” sex, which was a lie. After meeting with Tika again, we both saw our different desires—mine for sex, hers for connection and exploration. Lying to myself about what I wanted just made things more difficult.

• Making love with her isn’t just about quantity; it’s about quality and timing. Scheduling intimacy feels more meaningful than just going for it whenever.

3. How do I handle constructive criticism? Do I feel defensive or receptive to it?

• I do like validation; I’m aware of that. But listening is something I’m getting better at, especially around the BJJ crew. Sometimes, I don’t even know when to add my own thoughts, so I’m practicing just staying quiet and taking it in. Being patient is key here.

4. When I look at my goals, are they aligned with my true self, or are they influenced by what I think will gain approval or status?

• Recently, I told Tika I was moody because I got drenched in the rain, and no one seemed to notice. I realized I was making my discomfort everyone else’s problem. Being present with her taught me to drop that victim mindset and stay in the moment.

5. Do I compare myself to others, and if so, what does that reveal about my insecurities?

• I treated my staff to McDonald’s when I needed personal time. It was a way of getting them to chill out so I could handle things on my end. Guess there are times when I lean on distraction tactics to get what I need.

6. How am I currently dealing with setbacks? Do I see them as learning opportunities, or do I feel diminished by them?

• Yeah, there are still ego moments, like when I snapped at Pak Dek over a McDonald’s order. High-stress moments make it hard to stay calm. I did apologize, but there’s a lesson here to stop myself before reacting.

7. When I succeed, do I feel the need to broadcast my success, or can I quietly acknowledge it without needing others to validate it?

• Sometimes I feel a pull to boast, especially with family, but I know now it’s more about my need to impress them. Trying to tone that down and remember to be grateful instead of showy. Acknowledging the people who helped me also keeps my ego in check.

8. How am I handling relationships? Am I focused on mutual growth, or am I seeking to prove myself within them?

• I’ve been upgrading my approach with Tika, communicating more intentionally and learning to match her energy. Focusing on being fit—not just for validation but because I want to provide and be strong for her.

9. Am I holding on to past achievements or identities? How does that affect my ability to grow and embrace change?

• I do look back on past achievements to remind myself of my strengths in guest experience, but I don’t let them define me. It’s more about seeing where I came from and choosing to evolve. It’s like I’m a more conscious version of myself now.

Reflection on My Growth: Pros and Cons

These questions are a way for me to keep things real. Every answer highlights areas where I’m growing and areas where I’m still working to put my ego in check. Here’s my breakdown:

1. Achievement & Intuition: It’s good to feel that discipline without leaning on Tika. I’m finding intrinsic motivation, but I need to watch for moments where I might be leaning toward seeking validation. If I can stay focused on why I’m doing this for me, it’ll mean more.

2. Recognizing & Aligning Desires: I’m no longer lying to myself about desire—owning up to it feels right. Timing still matters, though; sometimes, the right answer is knowing when to say no to myself.

3. Need for Validation & Patience: Validation still tempts me, but I’m learning to let the need to speak simmer, especially in big conversations. I’ll add my voice when it matters, and that’s all I need.

4. Shifting from Victimhood to Presence: I don’t need to make everyone’s energy match mine. Accepting things as they are instead of forcing them to fit my mood is a huge shift, and I’m practicing this every time I see Tika.

5. Providing for Personal Space: Balancing my own needs with my staff’s by keeping it simple and open works. Distraction isn’t always the answer; sometimes, a straight ask for time is more respected.

6. Handling Heat of the Moment: There are moments where I let the heat take over, but I’m learning to notice these. Slowing down is key; every time I breathe before reacting, it’s a win.

7. Validation from Parents & Self-Acknowledgment: My successes don’t need to be shared every time. Quiet wins are still wins, and the people who helped me get there deserve a shout-out too.

8. Upgrading with Tika & Managing Ego: Improving myself for her feels good, but I have to remember: it’s not just to prove a point. It’s about aligning my actions with the life I want, not just the validation I seek.

9. Past Achievements & Staying Grounded: I’m keeping my past close enough to learn from but not letting it define my worth. Knowing I’m a product of where I’ve been while pushing forward with new awareness feels right.

Ending each day with these reflections keeps me on track. I’ve got a lot to work on, but every answer is another step forward. Holding myself accountable—no shortcuts, no ego—just real, steady growth.

[serbadger]

What challenges me every single day to stay within the industry I work in is the stance I similarly have about the human determination towards hospitality. Service is higher calling I have within myself and as much as I am a spoiled kid growing up— I feel like many others did not receive the same. I tend to forget this perhaps this is karma for all the the riches I received. I am grateful to have experience all the riches and I hope for everyone to receive the same and be humbled as well.

[serbadger]

“The people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander.”

— Robert Tew

[serbadger]

Red flower blossoms yet it deepens its colour every-time you hold it

.

[serbadger]

[serbadger]

Layer by Layer, more and more, Were all those chores really a bore?

Whore a whore, store to store, Were all those people truly who they were before?

Lore and Lore, more and more, peel me away for I do not see outside my self.

A Bad seed sprouts and touts, mouths and redoubts, repeal me away for My Sins for I am archived and locked in my own shelf,

Onion of myself oh Onion of myself

Try to Peel me and Cut me away for I ultimately believe I may revoke this sadness yet it makes them cry

Over the madness of this world, turtled into defensive and anxious lies, have mercy Lord on me for I feel this way about myself, Oh Onion.

[serbadger]

Forgive me My Lord, God. For I am a sinner. I confess. I commit adultery and I commit unfaithfulness. I am slowly understanding God. I punish myself too heavily to be rewarded by false thinking. I pray for strength and discipline and this consistency I keep speaking. I write this so I may bear witness to my word as I broken them before. For I am a man born out of the original sin, I strive to stay away temptations God. If I could do it before, why not again and again and again. Have I kept hearing and will keep on hearing that we keep falling 7 times? Down and down again. Sin after sin. I pray for those who face worse circumstances than I do. For I am lucky and spoilt but God I pray to those less fortunate who gave me more. And those who have more I pray for themas well. And for everyone regardless if they hate me or not or have sinned. I have come to terms that I am a strong man who was once a weak man and that I call in the light of God whose light is blessed and sacred.

[serbadger]

As soon as he wakes up, a young man gets down on his knees and thinks of his sins.

[serbadger]

I did not share things, I try my best to share

I was not honest, I try myself to be truthful

I was avoiding answers, I try my best to respond even if I do not have the answers

I did not express my concerns and allowed things to unfold without being aware, I try my best to express my concerns before doing anything

I did not allow myself to be conscious of my actions and speech, I try my best to know what/how/when/where/why I am doing something or saying something

I did not ask permission to eat someone’s food, I try my best to not take without asking permission

I did not let people know of my actions, I try my best to give a heads up in anyway possible (does not necessarily mean face to face)

I did not allow people to speak while they were speaking, I try my best to not interrupt and allow them to finish

I did not share information in a humble manner, I try my best to not condescend or belittle someone’s intelligence when they are trying their best to know better

I did not allow information to be formulated for proper responses and was quick to conclude whilst emotionally reacting, I try my best to take information in and not overreact.

I did not become empathetic enough to where I thought about social relationships the person’s feeling were not valid, I try my best to consider the thoughts and feelings of others

I gatekeeped people information because I was the one being gatekeeped, I try my best to not follow the pattern of those wrong doings

I complain and emotionally react, I try my best to find solutions and calm myself through breathing

I lust and goon, I try my best to find genuine connections, networking, and friendships without the use of sexuality/looks/

I lust and goon hard to the point that’s all I think about sex, I try my best to do things that alleviate my stress by transmuting it into sports and activities

I did not fully went in with all pure will, I try my best to have pure intentions

I did not love in a right way, I try my best to learn all meanings of love

I did not keep true to my words, I try my best to express them, follow up, or even journal my progress in order to do my best to keep them true

I did not share my feelings are strongly enough to those who care, I try my best to express them without hiding any filters to those who care

I did not understand or uphold integrity, I try my best to be consistent to who I am as a person in all aspects and especially the goodness within me

I did not take responsibilities or accountability for my actions because I was scared, I try my best to take responsibilities and accountability because I try my best to be willing to answer and take responsibility

There are plenty of more

[serbadger]

I really fucked up didn’t I.

I was so insecure to let my clouded judgement get the best of me. I was selfish to be jealous of a person who was deeply in love with me.

She does not deserve me.

I was craving lust to the point I downloaded dating apps where porn couldn’t even satisfy me. I cheated on her. Not physically. But the intentions were not pure.

Full cold turkey.

Not only that; I had the audacity to do this and not take care of our home. Establish networks and effective communication with her and those around her. It all crumbled at an instance at the expense of my lust. Selfish wasn’t it? Yes. Ungrateful? Truly and dangerously unaware.

Relationships are hard and I am not ready to love in the way she loves.

I only hope for the day where I am at an age come to see her to see her one last time before we all fly and ascend.

I am sorry that the dark side of me got the best of me. I am not even at the stage where I can truly be at my highest form of consciousness. I am aware that I am not fully aware.

It is not entirely your fault. I simply couldn’t keep up with an intelligent being. I am just mogged by my conditioned inner nature. Yeah Monkey-ism.

I have been conditioned early on and I tried my best to fight it. It’s time to take a break from love. I cannot love yet. Love is something I need more proper understanding. I will miss her deeply. Kartika. You didn’t deserve all these things that has happened to you. I should have been there more.

Knowing that one day, I will have reached my potential. I wish I could hold her hands at the end of this universe and the next.

Thank you, Tika for this experience. I love you. I’m not ready. When I at that stage of life where I made it and won over my internal battles and conditioning. I will smile at the thoughts of the warmth of your love. True love.

[serbadger]

Edgemaxxing

[serbadger]

20% knowledge

80% action