setfiretothefirstbar
Set the Fire to the First Bar
Why wait for the third?
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06.01.2023
Keske yazmaya devam etseydim, belki o zaman ruhumu bu kadar derine gommezdim.
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30.01.2021
When you close your eyes looking at the sun, you know the sun is still there. It’s not the same as closing your eyes in the dark. The light is so bright that you know it’s there even if you don’t see it.
When I close my eyes, I know you’re there. But I don’t know whether it’s the sun or the dark.
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25.07.2020 - Saturday, past 10.45pm
Remember this moment. Remember that you turned your best friend down, dragged your family around and pushed people away. You came back for him, and he turned his back on you. It’s not a big deal, you say to yourself, to not be on his mind. It’s a difficult time for him, you say to calm yourself, you want to get back to humanity. But you’re hiding away from the truth. Remember, you have to realize. It’s not a fairytale or romantic movie. Even the guy who got soaking wet in the rain looking for you and asked you for a second chance, is now with someone else living happily ever after. The first time you fell in love, he vanished from the face of the earth. The first and last guy that made you feel the fire within you, is 20 years ago and 2000 miles away. And the guy you promised you’d end up together on your 70th birthday, is 7 hours behind and 5000 miles away. How are you doing so far? As for the guy that’s within an arms reach, the longest relationship in your life and what’s meant to be the one, is fast asleep on your last night together. You watch him sleep with a million thoughts on your head and not a single tingling in your stomach at the thought of his touch. Maybe you’ve lost your touch. Or maybe it’s you that ruins whatever you touch. Patterns don’t act on their own, wake up. You just have to realize. When is the last time you cried for a guy, and not for yourself? Is it masochism to measure love with that? Well, that’s how you’ve known it but know better, please, you should know better.
Update: 09.08.2020 02:07
Remember how you came back for him? He didn’t even say “happy birthday”. He acknowledged it’s your birthday, he knows you like birthdays and how much you try. What happened to the guy that took you out for dinner on the day and threw a surprise party months later? You want to think he just keeps it in for when you’re together but you’re hurting so much you know it’s not right. You’re trying not to be histerical over something so little but you already gave up on an anniversary, Valentine’s or New Year’s. You only have this one thing where you always try so hard for the people around you, try to make them feel spoilt and special. And it’s not fair that you don’t see it when your family does exactly that for you. But you just wanted that from the one you loved. The one you thought would never make you cry. And you find yourself crying over a stupid little thing, angry at yourself that you care so much about this but more heart broken than you’ve been for a long time. You didn’t expect a grand surprise, you didn’t think he would show up or anything. You only wished, you got a message, a call, a something. Instead all you got was 1 text in 24 hrs asking how your birthday is going. People called you today singing, long lost friends you didn’t even remember the birthdays of texted you, you got beautiful flowers that should have brightened your day, your family got so creative with a barbecue and biscuit cake :) and yet, you’re lying in your bed at 2 am crying. Because he couldn’t even bring himself to say a cheesy happy birthday. This is not okay, you’re not okay.
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03.03.2020 - after midnight
What happens to the best moments of your life, when a relationship goes down the drain?
Do you remember when you went to his apartment, any guys apartment, for the first time and there was rubble everywhere and you tiptoed around the house while he fed you homemade marmelade in the kitchen? And that day when it started to snow heavily and you cozied up under the blankets and had salep. Was that the same day that you wore his bathrobe and curled up on the bed and he told you to never leave him for someone who loves you less than he does? It feels like a lifetime ago.
And what about the guy who loved you more? Was it love or an obsession, I have no idea. But he got you this angel necklace on your birthday because he said you were an angel, and that’s probably when you believed it most. Wasn’t it the best and worst memory of your life when he had to disappear so he called you to say goodbye and said “you mean more to me than life itself” and you were breathless from tears because you thought you’d never see him again? What went so wrong that the more he loved you, the more you stopped loving him?
The last one you thought would break your heart.. The moment he snuck up on you at C class while you idolized him for being the smartest man you’d ever met. How you so willingly fell for it when he offered to tutor you and when he said “I’m the kind of man who’s ready for you” and you finally thought you were done. You didn’t care about his tattoos and his beard and how he almost dropped out of any school and that’s why it failed when he tried to win you back with fixing those. Do you remember the day he showed up to your class, soaking wet from the rain, and you turned him down anyways? It wasn’t because you wanted to but because you needed to first-aid yourself. Because he was the most shocking of all the guys that broke your heart, and possibly the first one you let. You didn’t see that one coming. That’s the relationship you learnt how to shut down, even when he told you years later how he thought of suicide, again.
And then the main guy before the main guys.. When you missed each other with terrible timing and that feeling when you felt yourself spiralling because you couldn’t have him, because you were so stuck on him and in classic ritual, he wasn’t there.. Oh that feeling when your friends said “stop drinking, you’ll die” when he kissed you and left and the concert where you pushed him away in tears when the rain had just begun and you loved being so heartbroken. Because it made you feel alive. Until that moment with the Wonderwall, that moment where you were dancing so close that it was impossible for your lips not to touch and they did. The raw passion that erupted from that moment that made the security guard stop you. Still makes your heart beat. The old age plans you made together with the bench facing the sea and the breeze. The moment you would be grateful for everything in your life that has led you to that bench, you could die in that moment and it would be alright. The same moment you used to say goodbye to him. You’ll never know if it’s true until we’re at that bench.
Do you remember what happened next? Did you go into a coma and wake up almost 3 years later as a different person? In between all the fights and all the insecurities, was that what a real relationship should look like? That’s the day you felt so lost you needed to write again. And write for the world to see, fearlessly but anonymously. That’s the dilemma you loved wasn’t it? So clearly out there and yet so out of reach. You loved to be loved and the feeling of being in love, but you forgot so long ago how to actually love. 3 years later, you found yourself in a spiral again and not for good this time. While drowning you took people down with you and let them fall for you, regardless of the collateral damage. Because you had no relationship in your life anymore, you took any other relationship and transformed it. Some moments you’re ashamed of and some you secretly enjoyed, but you built yourself back up only when someone truly loved you again.
Selflessly, kindly and in the beginning hopelessly he loved you. Being your usual self, you tried to protest any possibilities there could be and convinced yourself in the star-crossed lovers again. The kind of love that “must not be”. And when you gave into that challenge you felt you took on a new one as he left and again you could feel lovelorn. Long distance was the one thing you hadn’t tried and there you had your perfect story that never ended.
Now you’re trying to remember what your best memories with him are and you try to find the fanciest ones.. when you were in London on his couch having pizza after a long day, when you were walking the streets of Barri Gotic in Barcelona to find the calm fountain and the evening guitar or the day you went to the coast and just lied down to read your books.. But is it now the dark of the winter or the darkening of your soul that makes you see the worst in everything? Nothing you remember here has made your heart burst like the way things used to. You don’t feel like that first time He spun you around to dance at the boat 10 years ago, when he teaches you tango in a plaza in front of the Cathedral. Or like how you started smoking in the London streets on your own just to remember how it felt Him kissing you, when he kisses you as passionately as he can. I know you don’t love the same way, and you don’t love yourself the same way either. But it seems now the moments you collect to cherish are more because of you and not because you share them with him. And when you feel disposable for whatever reason for the shortest moment, you stop collecting. Everything becomes a downward spiral again and this time you go in alone.
I don’t know how you’ll fix yourself, but you have to know better than to reminisce in longing or you will drown in that spiral. Acknowledge whatever you can. He hasn’t been in your life for 10 years. He broke free of you because you broke him. He couldn’t break you. He couldn’t keep you. He couldn’t win you. He couldn’t catch you. He couldn’t have you.
And now, he can’t fix you. Each would try and no one could. Only you. Remember who you were in the moments you felt best, and you’ll find your best self there.
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19.10.2019 - around 4 am
“N’olur yapma. Beni asla olmayacak bir seye inandirma. Benim gucum yetmiyor, bari sen yapma.”
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You - 11.02.2019
At what point do you stop being yourself? If you no longer see what you saw, feel what you felt and love what you loved.. If you’ve not been yourself for a very long time, is that really you anymore? At what point do you become someone else entirely, leaving your ‘true self’ behind? Or is it that we are ever-changing and the truest we can be to ourselves is being in the moment, today? What happens when you start asking the questions you can’t answer? Not the ones to unravel the secrets of the universe but the ones to unravel the universe in you.
Do you love him? Did you ever love him? Did you ever love anyone?
Are you happy? Were you ever happy?
Are you satisfied with yourself, with your life?
What sense does it make to mourn a version of yourself for having lost that piece of you, if some other piece has pushed it away? How is that new piece, less you than you used to be?
You might try to fit new pieces, learn new things and try to adapt yourself to the new you. Learn how to play the piano, start doing some form of sport and don’t be late everywhere... Try to regenerate. Try to open your heart. But the truth is, there are some pieces of you that will never change. Even when you have the best intentions, something inside of you, some deep selfish pull will leave you watching on the sidelines as everything you touch is crashing and burning. All the hearts you ever touched is crushing. Because you were never content with what you had, always wanted more. Always accepted the challenge.
Because you didn’t ask those questions. Or rather you couldn’t answer them.
Did you ever love them?
Without the excuses, all the ‘my heart is frozen’ stories you tell yourself and everyone else who won’t believe how destructive you are, with a secret satisfaction that you’re untouchable. The bare truth.
What do you want? Did you ever want anything?
Not what is getting away from you or what is not there anymore. Without missing what isn’t yours anymore.
What are you missing?
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28.10.2018 - past midnight in London
Ne cok sevmisim, ne cok inanmisim sevdigime. Sonra donup baktigimda hicbiri sayilmazmis aslinda. Her seyi metaforlara, edebi anlatimlara bogmusum, kendimde olmayan katmanlar yaratip gurur duymusum. Belki de kolayima gelmistir bunca zaman gorundugumden daha karmasik olma algisi, isin icinden cikmak istedigimde birkac katman acip anlatayim, sonra da kapatip gideyim bitsin. Ama hic de ben bitirmeyeyim, hep karsimdaki korkup gitsin. Suc hic benim olmasin aslinda hissetmedigim seyleri bir iluzyonda gibi yasadigim ve yasattigim icin. Sanki beni dunya uzerinde bir kisi anlamis 10 sene once de, ondan beri buz tutmusum diye inanayim. Aylar gecti uzerinden ama soruya cevap bulamadim, bana ne olmus olabilir? Sabahlara kadar uyumayip kendimden uzaklasmak icin dizilere filmlere sarip sarmaliyorum kendimi. Kitaplara bile halim yok sanki, hayal etmeye halim yok. Bir seyler hissetmek yalnizca baska karakterlere burundugumde mumkun.
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09.03.2018 - past midnight in London
Hatta sabahin 5’i olmus, ben hala uyuyamiyorum.
Kafamda donup dolasiyor Mad World sarkisi ile sarmaladigim bir soru: what’s wrong with me? Kimi neyle kandiriyorum, ne yapmaya calisiyorum?
Acaba kalbim carpmayi biliyor mu? Yoksa 10. Sinifta mi biraktim? Gercekten buz tutmus olabilir miyim?
Ondan sonra hic sevdim mi? Yoksa dram mi aradim hayatimda? Uzun mesafeler, imkansiz insanlar.. hep bir hikayenin pesinden kosuyorum sanki. Nerde sorun orda ben. Kendimi akintiya birakmaya yer ariyorum. Hangi boslugu dolduruyorum?
Filmlerde dizilerde sarkilarda gordugum, duydugum su meshur “ask” bana ugradi da ben mi fark etmedim? Yoksa butun olay o hickiriklarindan nefes alamadigin, kendinden ve hayattan nefret ettigin anlar midir? Birini kaybetmeye korkmakla sevmek ayni sey midir?
2014’te yazmaya basladigimda sordugum sorunun aynisini sorarken buldum kendimi bu aksam: bana ne olmus olabilir?
“Saat 4 olmus ariyorsun caresini huznun kederin, acidan baska dermani yok ki bosvermis bunyenin. Gormuyor musun kabuk baglamiyor kanattigin hicbir yara, hicbir zaman geri donmuyor kaybettigin onca insan.”
Yine cevap gecmiste sakliymis.
Peki ya simdi?
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12.10.2017
Sometimes you dream of the impossible. You see a challenge and say yes, challenge accepted. But you never stop to think that there is often a reason why that’s impossible.
Don’t drag yourself over things that will never happen. And sometimes it’s good that it doesn’t get to happen. Because you don’t need any more challenges in life.
Deal with it, or deal without it. Learn to live a little, but learn to live for yourself.
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03.05.2017 - 2 days before he's gone
Hello Gorgeous, El yazını gördüğüm anda gözlerim dolunca ne kadar doğru yapmışım mektubunu okumayarak :) Tam da beklediğim gibi, yazdığın her cümlede içim gidiyor çünkü.. Hani sordun ya bana dün, "iyi misin, derin bir şey düşündün gibi" diye.. ben de dedim ki "iyiyim, düşündüm geçti".. Geçmedi. Sana sarılmışken, nefesin boynumdayken tutamadığım iki damla gözyaşıyla da akıp geçmedi. Dünyanın en duygusuz insanı ben, biriktirdiğim bütün özlememelere rağmen seni özlemekten çıldıracağım ya, o yüzden geçmedi. Elimi dudaklarında gezdirirken minicik öptüğün için, bazen nefes almayı unutsak da verdiğin nefesi bile içime çekmek istediğim için.. Yazdığın mektubun kağıdı ve zarfı bile bizim gibi perfect fit olduğu için, en özenli yazının son harfinin üzerinden tekrar kalemle geçtiğin için.. Daha da geçmeyecek, biliyorum. Geçmesin de, istemiyorum. Sen burada olsan da olmasan da, tüm varlığımla seni sevmek istiyorum. Gözlerimi kapatınca seni düşüneyim, dikkatim hep sana dağılsın, kafamı yastığa koyduğumda senin omzunu arayayım.. Sen hiç hasta olma ama ben bir küçücük öpüp kaçmak için kapına geleyim, sen bisikletine atlayıp bana sürprizler yap.. Hiç gitmeyecekmişsin gibi kalmaktan bahsedelim, belki bir gün kalırız diye. Ama korkarım, sana kendimi o kadar kaptırdım, sende o kadar kayboldum ki, geriye benden hiçbir şey kalmayacak. :) Geriye bir tek senin gözlerinde kaybolduğum anlar kalacak. If nothing else, we'll have those moments. And the promise for some dance moves :) Belki o sözü de dönüşünde tutarsın, playlistler bitene kadar. Ben de playlistler boyunca seni düşünürüm gelene kadar. Good thing I memorized every detail of your face. :) Çünkü seni hatırlamaya, öpmeye, seyretmeye, özlemeye doyamıyorum. Seni seviyorum.
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06.01.2017
I will love you till the sky and burn you to the ground. It's a fire you know by heart, one that through the years never sought to be found. We built it, with sixteen-thousand sparks. And with a look we fall apart. We're powerless, there's no will no reason no boundaries.
You know my heart. You know every word even before it comes to my mind.
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Over - 23.12.2016
It's over. You have to live with yourself and your decision every day, every waking hour but it's over. 3 years, all packed up and gone at 03.03 am. Remember that, remember everything. It's over.
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16.10.2016 - past midnight
You just have to realize, you can't be with him. You can't love him. You can't change him, you can't change yourself. You can't bear this and he doesn't deserve this. But neither do you. You just have to realize, you don't know how to. You take the hands of your friends and make a wish looking at the full moon that your life gets together. But it can't happen on its own. You just have to understand. Understand that if you want to go places, you have to hit the road. You can't stay where you are and expect to reach where you want to go. You don't know where to start, but you just have to start where you are and life will take you there. You just have to get going. You just have to set yourself free. Of all the charges, all the guilt and all the pain, set yourself free. You can't be blamed for how you feel or how you don't, how you can't feel. You take your own road and if others happen to be on the same one, appreciate the company. Set the clock of your own universe and the gears will start working. You are your own clock-maker. You make the decisions, no one will make them for you. Stop running away from your reality, no one will face it for you. No one will untie this mess for you. Carry some in your heart, some in your mind and some above your shoulder. Bring those that matter to you with you, wherever you go. But do realize what matters to you. You can't not have anything and you can't have everything. Wear the ones you love as a shield in your heart, surround yourself with them and you'll never be hurt. Respect yourself enough to respect others. Though it seems it takes a lot more effort to keep hanging on than letting go, you also have to walk away, which is much harder than letting go. You can't stay in your own ruins, you can't expect to be reborn from your ashes. You have to rediscover yourself and find new power to keep going where the road takes you. And if you don't like the road you lead, take another. Then take another, and another, until you find one you like. No one is forcing you to think, feel or live. Those who love you, will always be there for you and those who are not, should not be with you. So just lighten your heart, take off your burdens as though you're taking off clothes and never put them on unless you want to. Just realize, you don't have to. Keep and seek those that fill your heart with love and though you're much more more, you will be lighter. You just have to realize.
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7.8.12-16
4 sene gecmis ustumuzden, 4 kocaman sene sen hayatima gireli. Ve ben hic “seni seviyorum” dememisim.
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“Who ever desired each other as we do? Let us look for the ancient ashes of hearts that burned, and let our kisses touch there, one by one, till the flower, disembodied, rises again. Let us love that Desire that consumed its own fruit and went down, aspect and power, into the earth: We are its continuing light, its indestructible, fragile seed.” ~ Pablo Neruda
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Date: TBC
Bunu bir geç doğum günü veya erken veda mektubu gibi düşün. Mektup deyince bir enteresan oldu ama seversin bence biraz dramatik hareketleri. Ben her zaman yazmakta, sen de her zaman konuşmamakta daha iyi olduğuna göre, biraz nostaljik olmaktan da zarar gelmez bence. (Kendi kendine whatsapp gruplarında konuşmayı saymazsak - o konuda ekstra başarılısın.) Hiç gidecekmişsin gibi gelmiyor bana. Senelerdir "gidicem gidicem" dediğinde çok uzak gelirdi. Gerçi uzakmış da, tanışmamızın üstünden 3 yıl geçmiş, bir gün gibi. Ama bugün söylesen yine şaşırmazdım, içinde sığmayan bir hayat olduğunu bildiğimden. Korkarım hala da sığmayacaksın. Ama umarım taşmaktan da asla korkmazsın. Biraz ilginç bir his bu, o kendini layık görmese de sen içindekilerin en iyisini ona ayırmışsın ya, o da inansın istiyor insan. Kaybolmasın, kendinden hiçbir şeyi kaybetmesin. Yapabileceğin bir şey yokken de, sadece onun kendini bir yere ait hissetmesini diliyorsun. Aslında senin için de türlü dilekler diledim. Mutlu ol, kendine iyi bak, keyfini çıkar, bizi özle. Yanında hep yoğurdun kaymağını sana ayıran, sana sebzeli ama sulu olmayan tavuklu yemekler yapan, geceleri ballı muzlu süt hazırlayan insanlar olsun. Americano'ların sabah hep hazır olsun. Grey's Anatomy'de sevdiğin karakterler hep kavuşsun. Seninle birlikte defalarca Fight Club izleyip, "you met me at a strange time of my life" diyenlerin olsun. Ama bunlar biraz yüzeysel kalır gibi geldi. Ne de olsa şimdi çok uzaklara gidiyorsun, yelkenini alıp denizlere açılıyorsun. Denizcilere de yolculuğa çıkmadan önce böyle denirmiş: Pruvanız neta, yolunuz açık olsun. Umarım yolunun üstünde birazcık olsun inanç bulursun. İnanmadığın bir tanrıya değil, kendine ve kendin için seçtiklerine inanç. Herkes yatmadan önce dua ederken, sen hayatının önemli kararlarını verdiğinde umarım hep doğru seçimleri yaparsın. Onlar seni ister Ferrari'de bir geleceğe ister Barcelona'ya götürsün, umarım hep en mutlu olacağın yollarda yürürsün. Ve hayatın boyunca verdiğin tüm kararlar, yaptığın tüm seçimler, tüm doğruların ve yanlışların, seni o banka götürür. Biraz yüksekte, denize karşı, esintili bir bankta sabah saatlerinde yanında oturacak, dönüp gülümseyeceğin, gözlerinde hayatını bulacağın kişiye. Her kim olursa olsun, umarım o bankta iki ayrı karede iki ayrı yaşlı oturmaz hiçbir zaman. Çünkü hepimiz buna inanmak isteriz, the better story. Umarım bu senin hikayen olur. Sonunu sen yazarsın, 80. doğum günü kutlamamızda beni denize attığın için ikimizin de zatürre olmasından daha iyi bir son. Sandığından daha huzurlu, daha ait, sana ait. Ardında kırıntılar bırakmışsın gibi geri dönüş yolunu bulmasan da olur, sen bir ara umarım yolunu bulursun.
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