severalconflictinghats

[severalconflictinghats]

Ok, so this is something that a most people won’t read, and that’s cool because it’s something that I have to say but not anything that anyone needs to hear so, there’s that.

Writing erotic fiction helped me realize I’m not cis. I’m in my mid 30’s, spouse and a kid and I even did a little time in the Military (because I couldn’t qualify for student loans). I grew up in a conservative area but I always prided myself on being a progressive kind of person. My first job out of the military before I went to school, I worked as a street canvasser for the Human Rights Campaign. I went to school and studied politics, where I learned about the complexities of gender, sexuality and identity and I’ve been a strong supporter of LGBTQIA+ rights.

But I never let myself think that any of those things were for me. After that, I went to work in construction because in 2017, progressive politics (as a person who hates asking for money from poor people) was a real shitty place to be working. So I went and worked for a small construction company building cell towers. While afraid of heights. Climbing hundreds of feet in the air didn’t fix that, but I did get a stress reaction that made mw puke every morning for 4 months. That was cool.

During my life I was taught about personas that we all have. We’re not the same person at work as we are at home and all that jazz. But, I always figured that everyone’s persona also included a carefully constructed set of actions and professed beliefs to used to ensure everyone knew I had on my “manliness” for the day. Some days it’s easier to wear than others but, like so are safety harnesses. Right?

A few weeks ago, I got back into writing and decided to start with erotic fiction. Why not? I dig magical realism and grounded fantasy but what really got my interest were transformation stories. You know, the one where some device, magic scientific- whatever - turns a man into a woman or grows a woman’s chest or a man’s junk. That kind of stuff.

As I shared my work with my partner, they noticed a lot of similar themes in what I was writing. I tend to dig stories where a man gets turned into a woman and then the fun begins.

When confronted with the question of why I never do it the other way, my answer made me realize I needed to do more thinking, the answer: “why would anyone not want to be a woman?” I’ve started researching and the more I look into it the less I know where I belong on the spectrum. Certainly not in the “totally a guy” box, like I thought.

I’m terrified now. I don’t know what this all means. But I’m excited that I’m letting myself do this. It cannot be worse than hating myself all the time. I’m crying a lot but I have a wife who loves me and bought me make up the night after I told her how I was feeling.

I’m a lot of things. Most of which, I have no fucking clue. But one thing I do know is that I am lucky.

Thanks.