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Meet the New Shalom

From your feedback, we listened, we changed, and we’re excited to bring you a whole new Shalom! Apart from bug fixes and improved performance, we’ve crafted a completely new design topped off with some key features:

1. New Onboarding Process

We want to show off the best you to your potential matches! After you download the app, follow the prompts to set up your profile. We’ve also added new personality traits so you can express your uniqueness!

2. Phone Number Verification

All users of Shalom will now be required to add their phone numbers as an added verification step. This will help to ensure that all of our profiles are real & keep our community safe and authentic.

3. Easier to “Like” and “Pass” people with Swiping gesture

This is as easy as it sounds. Swipe right to “Like” someone, and swipe “Left” to pass. Makes it easier to go through profiles and find your match!

4. Enhanced Potential Match Filtering

We’ve added more communities and occupations so you can find the perfect match for you! (and make your parents happy.)

5. Swipe Up to View Profile Details

Okay, their pictures have caught your eye, and you want to know more. Simply tap on the right side of the screen to view pictures, and swipe up at any point to view a user’s profile details!

6. Shake to Rewind

Accidentally passed on someone you actually like? Simply shake your phone to rewind to the last profile! VIP users get unlimited rewinds.

7. Really really like someone and want to make a lasting first impression?

Swipe down to send a Note! Notes are a VIP feature and can be used to send a message to someone you want to give more than just an initial “Like.”

8. Not sure how many Likes you have left?

Click on the heart from the home screen to view your “Likes” and VIP features. Remember that VIP members get unlimited Likes, and you can also sign up for a free trial of Shalom VIP from here!

We’ve worked hard to bring these changes to you all, and we still have some exciting things cooking. We genuinely hope that you enjoy the new & improved Shalom, and we’d love for you to submit your feedback via support@shalomapp.com!

Until then, enjoy the new Shalom!

<3, Team Shalom

Download the New Shalom Here

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Walk Down the Aisle at Your Own Pace

A few decades ago, there was a specific life plan everyone seemed to follow: go to college, get married in your early-to-mid 20s, have your first baby before 30, etc. People who were just a few years off track felt like outcasts among their own friends and families. The pressure to settle down as quickly as possible was palpable. Today, however, things have changed. Of course, there’s still pressure to get married and have babies; let’s face it, if you have parents you’ve likely been subject to the intense spotlight of at least one conversation about marriage and grandchildren — for me, this happens on a monthly basis. But luckily for all of us, not getting married by age 23 is no longer viewed as a sign of failure. Our generation is not only actively pursuing career growth, but we’re also not settling down just because we’ve hit a certain age.

I’ll pause here to admit that this is easier said than done. Even though we all know that it’s okay to be single past thirty — and we all remind our friends of this lifestyle fact — we tend to get down on ourselves as the years pass and more and more people on our Facebook feeds promote their engagement photos. But even though I have moments of disparity when I see pictures of an ex-boyfriend’s wedding to a bride who planned the year’s most Pinterest-perfect wedding day (cue eyeroll), I also know that just because I may not get married in my 20s, it doesn’t mean that I still won’t find love some day.

Today, the average marriage age in America is 27.9 years. In fact, of the 20 most populous countries around the world, the U.S. is tied with the United Kingdom as the country with the fourth oldest average marriage age. People today are choosing to get married later in life. 50 years ago there was pressure to settle down and have kids as quickly as possible; it wasn’t uncommon at all for 20 year olds to tie the knot. Somewhere along the way, however, we’ve all come to realize that there’s nothing wrong with waiting to get it right.

While there’s no correct age to tie the knot, more experts are pointing out the benefits of marrying at an older age. Some studies suggest that getting married between the ages of 28 and 32 actually sets your marriage up for long-term success. When couples wait to marry in their late twenties and early thirties, they generally have more stable lives; by that point in time, their careers are on track, they’re (most likely) financially independent, and they have a better sense of who they are and what they want out of life. In fact, 33 has been deemed the age when most people find happiness. Typically, people’s twenty-something years are marred by insecurity and self-doubt. Many Millennials currently in the trenches of their twenties struggle to find purpose and meaning in their careers. This is the generation that is slated to have multiple careers in one lifetime -- not jobs -- but, distinguished careers, and most will have changed jobs four times before turning 32.  Exploring new careers and trying to figure out what you want out of life can feel like a full time job that often does not leave much room or emotional capacity to even consider marriage.

Nobody heads into a marriage with the expectation of divorce. Regardless of preconceived financial arrangements, divorces are messy, heartbreaking chapters in people’s lives. Part of saying “I Do” means that you’re willing to put in the work to avoid a split altogether. However, couples who marry at young ages tend to have a harder time avoiding this fate. Perhaps it’s maturity (or lack thereof) or not knowing what they truly want out of life, but divorce before the age of 30 is not entirely uncommon. Over the past five years, I have watched five of my close friends get married. Also over the course of the past five years, I’ve watched two of those couples finalize divorces. At the time of their weddings at the ages of 22 and 23 (and to spouses they had been dating since the tender age of 19), they thought they were madly in love and had found the person they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with. But then, life threw both couples of few unexpected curveballs; and both couples began to realize that the people they were at 22 were not necessarily the same at 27 or 30 years old. The early twenties are incredibly formative years, and over the course of that decade many people grow and change, leaving their past life expectations (and partners) behind.

Couples who wait to get married tend to have more stable and long-lasting relationships. I’m not telling you this to give you permission to scoff at your friends who tied the knot the day after their college graduations, but I am telling you this to remind you that there will never be a perfect timeline leading you down the aisle. Let’s say you’ve had a few failed relationships and dating mishaps in the past. Rather than settling for someone you knew wasn’t “the one” you made the more courageous choice to keep searching. Now you have even more experience behind you to help you define what you want and what you value out of a partner and marriage. Your past relationships and experiences in your younger years have set you up for a greater chance to find love using an app like Dil Mil. You now have the opportunity to digitally connect with people who are in similar places in life and looking for the same values in a relationship as you are.

Successful marriages are the result of mature people who know who they are and what they want. So the next time you feel embarrassed about the fact that you’re 29 and searching for love on mobile dating apps (which, by the way, you should never feel embarrassed about), just remember that not only are some of your happiest years ahead of you, but also, quite possibly your most mature and long lasting relationships.

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Is Everybody Not Hooking Up?

People’s twenties are often portrayed as the decade in life with the most sex: from college through navigating the early years of being a professional, individuals experience more sexual partners and encounters. Well, at least that’s how it used to be. But lately, young people are having less sex.

There’s a common thought that each generation matures at a faster rate than their predecessors. Perhaps it’s because new technologies increase exposure to people and ideas, or maybe it’s due in part to a de-emphasis on typical religious traditions. But Millennials are breaking this pattern. Millennials have fewer sexual partners than Boomers and Gen X-ers did at their ages. 15% of adults between the ages of 20-24 even report having no sexual partners, whereas only 6% of Gen X-ers reported abstinence during those ages. The trend spikes among younger Millennials and Gen Z-ers, with 15-19 year olds reporting less sexual experiences than older generations.

Many believe that today’s young people are simply maturing at a slower rate, however, some believe that there’s been a massive shift in lifestyle priorities that keep Millennials from pursuing sex on a regular basis. Additionally, many young people cite school and career pressure, as well as not wanting to feel tied down to a serious relationship as the reason behind their celibacy. Sex can spark attachment and conflicting emotions, and for any young person wanting to maintain his/her independence, sex just isn’t worth the emotional and social repercussions. Millennials are rejecting relationship norms and social conformities; they are a generation celebrating individualism. But the openness toward sexuality paired with less sex creates confusing circumstances, especially for those looking to find romantic partners.

It’s difficult to know where people personally stand on casual sex, and as a result it’s much easier to avoid the topic altogether when exploring new relationships. Today, only 50% of people will consider sleeping with someone on the first date, which is a 19% drop over the past decade. Even if you’ve been chatting with someone for several days or weeks, not knowing how they feel about casual sex, or at least, sex in the early stages of a relationship, could create circumstances in which one or both partners are confused or disappointed.

Here’s what you need to know:

Not everyone you meet on a dating app will share your same attitudes toward casual sex. Some, of course, will be open to it, whereas others may be more cautious or even, less interested. It’s up to you to decide how much of a deal breaker casual sex is… or not. If you meet someone unwilling to sleep with you until they see a deeper commitment like engagement or marriage, will that go against what you’re currently looking for in a relationship? It’s okay to have differing views about sex as long as you respect yourself and your partner. 

It’s 2017 and the shame and secrecy around sex is finally tapering off. You’re an adult, you should be able to have sex when you want to without answering to anyone else’s standards. Having the confidence to spark an open dialogue with a partner creates a happier and healthier relationship that serves both of you. 

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Should Women Make the First Move

Boy meets girl. This seemingly innocuous adage depicting typical courtship plays a big part in shaping how we think of gender roles in courtship. We’re all taught from a young age that it’s the boy who meets the girl -- the girl is essentially just another random player or object on the boy’s quest to find love. It’s the boy who has the agency and the ability to define the relationship. I’m sure this adage was dreamt up with total innocence, but it’s had some long-lasting effects on how we think of relationships -- effects that can be damaging for both men and women.

Traditional courtship “rules” imply that it’s the man’s responsibility to seek out the woman -- or, in other words, the guy has to make the first move and the woman has to patiently wait for someone to come knocking on her door, or, as is the case today, send a text message. This structure doesn’t work anymore, especially now that we’ve entered the age of mobile dating. In fact, many experts would actually argue that women should make the first move.

A study conducted by OKCupid found that women who make the first move are rewarded with higher response rates. There’s also a higher percentage of first messages that turn into dates when a woman initiates the conversation. In fact, men are 2.5 times more likely to respond to initial messages than women. Intrigued by these new statistics, I tested this theory out for myself. Full disclosure: I’ve long believed that men and women should take initiative in equal parts, however I’ll be the first to admit that making the first move can be beyond terrifying. Like everyone else, I’d rather avoid rejection when possible, and resolving to make the first move means that you’re setting yourself up for potential rejection. However, I’ve also been dating long enough to know that relationship success is impossible without making yourself vulnerable to failure as well. With 30% of first messages from women resulting in dates, I decided to try my luck with this strategy.

So for one week straight every time I got a ‘match’ I sent the first message within a 12 hour window. I didn’t just lead with a standard “hey, what’s up” or the all too convenient hand wave emoji. Instead, I took the time to look through each one one of my match’s bios and pictures and tried to pick out at least one conversation starter. The result? About an 80% success rate; most matches responded to my initial introduction within an hour and matched my efforts to spark an actual conversation within their follow-ups. Here are my takeaways:

1.)   Men are human, too. So, yes, they like to feel flattered by someone’s initial interest just as often as women.

2.)   Men are human, too. So yes, they fear rejection as well, and respond to someone else going out of their comfort zone to show interest.

3.)   A little effort goes a long way. Dating via mobile app means that someone else will never realize the full version of who you are. So, initiating conversations with predictable openers like “hey” fails to help you stand out from the crowd. Showing that you’ve taken the time to really look at someone else’s profile not only sends the signal that you like what you see, but also that you’re actually interested in getting to know them beyond the confines of the app.

In this age of online sexual assault, taking initiative also empowers us. Women, and many online male daters, are hyper-aware that the online dating world has had to combat men trolling women with misogynistic comments or stalking them. Many women have had to deal with sexual harassment via vulgar first messages and pictures, as well as discrimination across dating apps over the years, many cases of which have been well documented. In fact, 57% of women have reported sexual harassment on dating apps, versus 21% of sexual harassment reported by males. By making the first move, women are sending a powerful message to potential male suitors that they are not damsels or easy targets. Many women believe that in taking the effort to send the first message, women empower themselves to have greater control over the course of the courtship. Every time I made the effort to send the first message I felt as though I was also (subtly) asserting my own confidence and self-respect. Although making the first move was initially uncomfortable, I ended up feeling better about myself and never once feared one of my matches would respond with something sexist or misogynistic.

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How to Have Meaningful Conversations on Dating Apps

Ok, I’m sure many of you rolled your eyes after reading that headline -- the term ”vulnerability” tends to have that effect on people. But opening yourself up to vulnerability may be the missing link from your mobile dating strategy.

In 2015, the New York Times released an article around the 36 Questions That Lead to Love. Admittedly, upon first reading this headline, I chalked it up to a glorified sham, thinking, “There’s no way that a list of silly questions can actually lead to lasting love, right?” Well, after reading the article in more detail my cynicism was put to the test.

The feature was an exploration on a study conducted by psychologist Arthur Aron, The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness. The study explored whether or not certain attitudes and questions could expedite intimacy between two strangers. To understand how intimacy is really developed, Aron created groupings of questions that ranged from intriguing to somewhat invasive. In this approach to setting two people up, intimacy is the driving force, not the by-product. In answering each question truthfully, participants are forced to put themselves on display and open up to vulnerability.

If you have any friends who are self-help fiends (I know I do) then you’ve likely heard the phrase “vulnerability” on a loop over the past several years. Vulnerability has come to the forefront of conversations around love and intimacy, as many researchers argue that healthy, long-term love and relationships cannot really be achieved without first succumbing to vulnerability. Brene Brown’s Power of Vulnerability TED Talk has been viewed over 29 million times. Her definition of vulnerability is “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure,” all characteristics that Millennials are not necessarily known for. In fact, if Dr. Brown is correct in her theory that vulnerability is the key to intimacy, and subsequently, love, then is the mobile dating generation just screwed? After all, communicating with strangers via text message for a few weeks is not exactly revealing.

Many people believe that the Millennial way of dating -- hooking up and hanging out in group settings -- has made it exponentially harder for individuals to find real and compatible partners. Those relationship tropes make it easier for people to participate in a relationship without really offering themselves up. Mobile dating apps allow individuals to present certain sides of themselves; they can spend hours editing the perfect picture or go through several drafts of text responses to ensure they’re seen in a completely favorable light. I’ll even plead guilty to both counts -- I’ve shared screenshots of dating app conversations with my best friends more times than I care to admit because I want my responses to be witty, likeable, and, essentially, perfect. It feels far safer to put on a highly curated facade while scrolling through profiles and engaging in conversations with strangers you know are sizing you up. Being completely myself -- meaning, sharing no-make up shots, revealing my quirky sense of humor, and talking about my insecurities feels far too risky. Why? Because if the “version” of you is rejected by a potential partner via dating app convo, it’s easy to make up excuses or, at least, not take it too personally. But if you really open yourself up and still face rejection, it can be difficult to bounce back. In many ways, mobile dating makes it easier to hide in the beginning, which can make it more difficult to really connect in the long-term.

64% of 18-29 year olds today are single and not living with partners. There are several theories floating around as to why this generation is not settling down: including quarter-life identity crises, financial concerns, too many choices, and, yes, fear of emotional connection. Although this may sound depressing, it doesn’t have to be. While mobile messaging isn’t exactly the best vehicle for vulnerability and revelation, there are certain questions you can ask and insights you can offer up to ensure that you’re not wasting your time with niceties up front only to be crushed by revelation down the road.

Arthur Aron’s study around intimacy wasn’t just steeped in revealing questions; he also set up certain parameters that would increase the likelihood of people becoming emotionally intimate, including:

●      The expectation that both individuals would be liked by their counterparts in the exercise

●      Similar viewpoints on attitudinal issues of importance

●      Sustained, escalated, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure

Although mobile dating was probably not what Aron had in mind when developing his tests around emotional intimacy, mobile daters can create these parameters for themselves and set themselves up for long-term success. First and foremost, when individuals enter the world of mobile dating, they are hoping to find connections with people, or they are optimistic that they’ll find people on the platform they like and vice versa. A negative outlook from the onset does not tend to spark long-term success. Secondly, the conversation following an initial match is generally one where both parties are trying to feel one another out to get a better sense as to whether or not this individual could make a good match. It’s at this stage that questions around career, culture, and beliefs (political and religious) tend to pop up. If there are clear-cut and seemingly unsalvageable differences, it’s in the best interest of both individuals to bow out. But making it past the exploration stage is not the end-all, be-all of a relationship. Too often, people assume that if they find someone who complements them on surface-area issues, they must have found their match. But people are so much more than their job titles, religious backgrounds, and family histories. The questions reveal the person behind their titles and public identities, and subsequently, make it much easier to make an intimate connection and judge whether this individual is a good match for you.

For people to really find success through mobile dating, they have to open themselves up to reciprocal, highly personalized self-revelation. So if you’re ready to really give a match a shot at a relationship, you can suggest these questions. The key (and challenge) is to be as open and honest with yourself and your partner as possible. After all, you didn’t create a dating profile in the hopes of finding someone you kind of like or tolerate. You signed up for this platform in the hopes of finding someone you actually connect with. But connection, and intimacy, don’t just happen naturally, you have to be willing and ready to reveal yourself.

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5 Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas for Your Bashert

Anyone can just buy roses and call it a day on Valentine’s Day, but it’s the thoughtful presents that tie back to something you have in common with your partner that really leave a mark. If you’re dating someone who’s also Jewish, what better way to celebrate than with some gifts that play on your shared culture!

Here are a few of our favorite Jewish gifts for your loved ones:

1. ModernTribe - Knish Me I’m Jewish Unisex Tank $32

2. Chai and Home - Sending you hugs and knishes $4.50

3. SillyReggie - I Love You a Latke - set of 6 $16

4. The Challah Connection - Rugelach Gift Tin $44.99

5. Tchotch Shop - Bashert Balloon $2 (fill a room up and surprise them!)

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#BashertGiveaway with Shalomoji - Win a $100 Date Night!

We’re excited to partner with Shalomoji to bring you their new Bashert Shalomoji 👫💕 We’re celebrating the release of this new emoji by hosting a #BashertGiveaway on Instagram. 

We know the search for a #bashert can seem never-ending, but there are so many cool people out there you still haven’t met! That’s why we’re giving away a $100 date night to encourage you to get out there and get dating 💰 You never know, the next date could be #theone ✨ To enter: 1. Follow @shalomoji and @shalomapp on Instagram 2. Like this post: bit.ly/shalomgiveaway 3. Tag two friends in the comments on the post 4. Comment and tell us what you're looking for in a #soulmate The #giveaway is open through Jan 30th, 11:59 pm PST. A winner will be randomly selected on Jan 31st 🎉

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5 Festive Date Ideas for New Jewish Couples During the Holidays

The holidays are a magical time of the year for any newly budding romance. You have more days off to spend with your significant other, and the miserable weather gives you a good excuse to cuddle up in bed and hide from the world. There’s just one problem – with the holidays come the nosy families and prying questions. If you’re in a relatively new relationship, the last thing you want is to force your entire extended families on each other for every holiday. You may not be ready for this next step, but that doesn’t mean you have to spend the holidays apart.

Here are some fun ways to infuse a little festive spirit into your new romance this holiday season and find some quality time away from the chaos of your families.

1. Find and cook a new recipe together

We recommend picking a Hanukkah favorite such as potato latkes or sufganiyot to keep the festive spirit going. Decide on a recipe together, take a trip to the grocery store, and get cooking! Cooking together not only allows you to spend some quality time indoors, but it also gives you a chance to see how compatible you are.

2. Sneak away for a snow day

Get away to a ski resort for a day or weekend! There’s no winter quality time like a day on the slopes followed by a cozy fire and some hot chocolate to set the mood. If a snow resort is too much of a stretch, plan a night out to your local rink and go ice skating, and then find a cozy lounge or restaurant to snuggle up with some blankets and hot chocolate.

3. Leave your significant other a note for each of the eight days of Hanukkah telling them one thing you love about them

This might sound cheesy, but it’s a good way to send a little love to your partner on each day of Hanukkah, especially if you’re spending most of it apart with your families. Don’t worry if you’re not ready for the L word just yet – keep it casual and just let them know you appreciate them. If you want to have a little more fun with it, turn it into a scavenger hunt, with each note leaving a clue about where to find the next day’s note. Just make sure you pick good hiding spots!

4. Make a Hanukkah party playlist

Go through your favorite holiday songs and make a playlist together for an upcoming Hanukkah party! Good taste in music is key in any relationship, and this is your shot to test the waters! Different songs might represent a specific memory or time in your partner’s life, and this also gives you a great chance to go down memory lane and learn a little bit more about each other.

5. Get crafty

Pull out your box of glue sticks and markers and get crafty! Make some handmade Hanukkah cards for your friends and family and challenge each other creatively. If you’re feeling ambitious, trying making a DIY dreidel or menorah! 

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The Truth About Jewish Dating

You’re reading this page, which means that you have at least some interest in Jewish dating. You’re probably Jewish yourself (why else would you want to use a Jewish dating site, right?), or maybe you just think you would be more successful in dating and marriage if you joined the tribe (or a member of the tribe).

Whatever the reason we’ve decided to try and clarify things for you a bit. There are a lot of stereotypes and myths related to Jewish dating. Some of them might be true. Others, wishful thinking. Some blatant antisemitism. In this series of pages, we’re making it our mission to set you straight (no pun intended) regarding everything you want to know about this subject.

Fundamentals – Jewish DNA

First, a brief introduction is in order. For thousands of years, probably close to 4,000, since the patriarch Abraham began his grand nation-building project, the Jewish People have stuck to their own when it comes to marriage. Sure things were a little fluid the days of the Patriarchs, but once Jacob and his 12 sons went down to Egypt for a few hundred years of bondage, and certainly after the Exodus, marrying exclusively Jewish was a requirement set in stone (literally).

Nothing much has changed in that department over the last 4,000 years. The rules of traditional Jewish that define who is a Jew are still the same. It’s pretty simple: if your mother is Jewish, you’re Jewish too. Your dad is pretty much irrelevant in this equation.

Let’s run through some example to clarify:

1. IF Mom = Jew AND Dad = Jew THEN You = Jew

2. IF Mom = Catholic AND Dad = Jew THEN You = Non-Jew

3. IF Maternal Grandma = Jew THEN You = Jew Got it?

In traditional Judaism, the religion is defined by the mother, period. Why was it set up this way? There isn’t any specific reason given. If you want to guess, it probably relates to the fact that you can more easily and definitively prove the connection between a child and its mother than between a child and its father. Think about it.

Conversion to Judaism

So you need to be born of a Jewish mother to be considered Jewish. But wait, there’s another way to enter the tribe: Conversion. Judaism is not a religion based on race or ethnicity. There are Jews of all different colors from all parts of the globe. If you stroll through practically any Israeli city you’ll come across Jews that are black (usually Ethiopian), Asian, Indian, Arab and yes, Caucasian.

If you want to become Jewish you need to go through a conversion process. The details of conversion are beyond the scope of this little old dating site but in short, you need to accept the precepts of Jewish observance, immerse in a Mikvah (a ritual pool) and, if you’re a man, get circumcised (still interested?). That could be why there are usually far more women converts then men.

Once you’ve converted you’re a full-fledged Jews and eligible to marry within the tribe. The one exception is that you can’t marry a Cohen — which is a descendant of the ancient priestly class that used to minister in the Temple in Jerusalem. How do you know who is a Cohen? Many of them have last names that include the words Cohen, Katz, Kagan … but the only way you’ll really know is if you ask or they tell.

It was all pretty simple — you were either born of a Jewish mother or converted — until about 150 ago. That’s around when Judaism began breaking into different denominations. The Orthodox didn’t change. The Conservative changed a bit. The Reform (and Reconstructionists and New Age and etc) made huge changes including accepting Patrilineal descent, which means that if your father was Jewish but your mother wasn’t, you were still considered Jewish. Standards and requirements for conversion also vary widely between the denominations.

How does this effect Jewish dating? Basically, just because one denomination considers you Jewish doesn’t necessarily mean that another denomination will. For example, if you converted in the reform movement you might not be considered Jewish by Orthodox Jews. It really depends on a lot of factors and also on the person you’re dealing with.

The only way to make sure you don’t get yourself involved in a situation (or relationship) that doesn’t work because of the “who is a Jew” issue is to be 100% honest and open about who you are. Then you won’t have to worry about misunderstandings that arise down the road.

What if you aren’t Jewish according to anyone? You’re a purebred Irish Catholic. Should you be using a Jewish dating site? Will Jewish men or women date you? Will they marry you? We’ll try to answer these questions and more in this series.

By Jzoog