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Reminder of the cat prints I have available on my online shop 🐈😊

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They say mercrury is in retrograde. I feel it whether or not it means anything. Life has been incredibly difficult these last few months. My parents came into town in september and that was lovely. Right before that I had started meditating regularly which was giving my mind freedom ad peace. Not long after however, I've been dealing with gossip and harassment/abuse of power from my manager and it's been an ongoing thourough investigation at this point. I've also been dealing with a difficult unsatisfying relationship with my partner whom ive been living with for a little under a year. It's been basically sex-less for 4-5 months---with the occasional short f*ck. Our schedules have been opposite mostly, and the truth of our sexualities being incompatible has been showing. I've felt neglected when it comes to receiving pleasure, and it really sucks. Especially when sex is a strong love language of mine. That, along with wanting to leave Portland so I can build a better life economically and be closer to my parents who are across the country.....it's all a lot and it's all just sad. Especially since we have a cat who loves me, and my partner has a kid who I love. After practicing polyamory for a good 8 years, I have decided a more traditional mogomous relationship is something I'm starting to want. That is more clear to me being 121 days sober. My partner also is not sober and doesn't want to be. Weve been together for a little over 4 years total with a year off in between. Our values are different. I'm a lot more spiritual and want to grow in life. I can't do that much in this city. They're stuck by custody contract in portland. Being almost 31, dealing with a flurry of chronic health issues, I'm realizing my ability to reproduce has a time limit, and it's getting closer and closer to that time each day. I never wanted kids in the past, but I know i've always been great with kids and when i envision my future, a more satisfactory and heart filled future has children of my own in it, whether they be adopted or birthed. One or two. I don't see kids with this partner in my future though. And it's sad. At my current state, I lack resources to move out, unless I were to room with complete strangers. I'm saving saving saving. And first thing I'm saving for is a car, as I've been without one for almost two years now.

There are resources where my parents live, but that is all the way in Tennessee. It's so damn far. I've accumulated things from living on my own. I'm working on letting go of attachment to them, but it's challenging. There is so much grief in me. Grief for the loss of friendships and family, due to deaths, and my own choices made when i was in a state of survival mode during my time stripping.

Stripping took years from me. It reinforced my eating disorder, and disordered ways of being in general. I was raped once, and sexually assaulted basically every shift, but....I had money. Lots of it. Then I decided I needed to get out, and it went quick. I'm a working class citizen again. I am certified to teach yoga, but there's not really any market that feels worth it in my soul. Id have to teach online and work at a lot of places for the same wage I make now, and put my body though a lot.

Inflation is through the roof. It's hard right now. I'm surviving right now, and trying my best to get myself places.

Sobriety has left me feeling lonely-----but i am at least grateful to have community at my climbing gym. I crave more intimacy. Raw, honest, passionate intimacy. I'll get there. I've been told I'm a fighter and I'm strong. I have been crying a lot lately. Nothing is permanent. I've been through hell. I'll probably go through more. But I will get through it, and I'm grateful to have the parents I have. That's all for now. I haven't journaled in a while. Sometimes it's on paper, today it felt more right to do it here. Sending love and strength to all who need it today <3 Nameste

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mirall | la llotja ~ juame plensa

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today's bug things are these metal pill bugs by Matt Noris!

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So tumblr just told me i've had this blog almost half of my entire life. Thats....wild. Writing here has gotten me through some hard times. I'm sure itll get me through more. Its basically dead, but a space on the internet I still find some value in as writing truly does help me release my emotions.

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ketzal_coatl

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Close ups

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I once loved you and now I’m free. I realized I need someone for free not just money

Hey Benny—-you sent all these anonymously lol. been a minute. Send my a non-anonymous message if this finds you and you really want to talk <3 I hope PR is being good to you ❤️

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❤️🍉❤️

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gegyjiji on Instagram

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life’s feeling better as of late, and the sun sure helps 🙏❤️💕

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Glass Sculpture By Hennie Elzinga.

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'Bacchanal' - 2023 - Watercolour and Gouache

One of six original paintings exhibited @hensteethdublin as part of 'Apocalypse Chow'

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Mother of Pearl

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Shizue Kamitsuma aka Kamitsuma Shizue aka 上妻静枝 (Japanese, based Japan) - Youei, Japanese Paintings: Nihonga

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Being almost thirty looks like this (and Suki the cat chillin in the background). -No makeup (because my skin is too sensitive for it lol), -allowing my ego moments to share my muscles because thats what 10 years of consistent bouldering looks like and I guess its fun to let them shine here n there lol - Being back in therapy with someone who specializes in trauma for about...5ish months now? - Being more present in life and less active on social media for over 5 months now. (not completely absent but not finding myself scrolling or watching stories for up to hours sometimes, and posting all the time for a dopamine boost--- I post here and there to share about people I love, allow my creativity to flow through sharing my photography along with stories about my hardships and my wins -Being ALMOST DONE with getting my yoga teacher certification (i'm nervous as hell about the idea of teaching my first class but know how that is supposed to be a part of the process) -MEDITATING regularly -Prioritizing both my mental, physical, and nutritional health. -Prioritizing good sleep. -Reading more about what I find meaningful/excited about -Holding space for gratitude regularly - allowing myself to ask for help/what I need. -Having to see the doctor more often because my hormones are crazy at this age -Being a positive role model/influence to younger people in my life. -For once in my life, realizing living with a partner who is also my best friend is actually something I want in my near future -Lot's of forgiveness/letting go of what was not serving me -Quality > quantity -Contentment -Minimalism -Fun/play -Balance - Humility