shatteredfamilystruggles - Tumblr blog

[shatteredfamilystruggles]

[191222]

honestly, it’s kinda funny how i’ve pulled off so many things i did in my life thusfar.

i figured out so many things on my own. i achieved so many things on my own.

i didn’t really grow up with anyone’s guidance or support. i just kinda... did my thing. 

i had no mother to teach me how to tie my hair. or what clothes looked good. no father who would pick me up after school, or protect me from things.

people have always said i raised myself. and i am very aware of that. i am fiercely independent, and i cannot be held back. i know what i need, what i want, and i go for it. 

nobody helped me.

and now i dedicate so much of my time and life helping others, because i know how much it sucks to be alone.

i act as the big sister to younger friends. 

i try to impart good values and healthy habits on my younger siblings.

i smile at children, and support others in their struggles.

honestly? i’m proud of myself, really.

i know i’ve come a long way.

there’s still a lot of hurt. there always will be. and i still don’t feel as adequate or as deserving as other people who come from loving homes.

but.

i really did make it this far.

two decades is no joke. 

myself.

friends helped, of course. i love them. they are a blessing, truly.

i made it to this point. and i deserve to live my life as happily as i can. i am owed that.

i am owed years of happiness. i am owed years of childhood. i am owed years of being a bright, cheerful kid who can get excited over small things like ice cream and bright colourful clothes.

and i work to get them.

i work my three jobs. i attend school.

i will get what i deserve. what i missed out on. i will.

i’m proud of myself.

so good job, me, for making it here. and taking care of yourself for so long. good job, me.

[shatteredfamilystruggles]

[191222] sincerely, fuck you

fuck you

sincerely

for all the hurt you’ve caused.

fuck you for not noticing.

a 13 year old depressed.

a 16 year old angry.

a 18 year old who wanted to run away.

and now finally

a 21 year old

who has had enough.

a 21 year old who hates

who angers

who realised

that they

never got what others did.

where was the unconditional love and support?

that other children had?

why did they have parents who

fetched them to and from places?

or asked them about their days?

where was my parent who cared what i did?

or had to say?

or shared my joy and struggles?

fuck you for

not caring when i told you about the bullying

sure, it was years ago.

it was some trivial middle school shit.

i got over it, no harm done

but you didn’t care then. and u still don’t.

i had to get over it.

myself.

as always.

everything done. 

myself.

fuck you for.

not realising.

your teenage child.

scrapped money together.

to seek therapy.

to fix their brokeness.

to fix what they thought they caused. to themself.

fuck you for.

not offering to help.

when you found out about the therapy.

because my feelings have always been

a joke

not important

because i’m a girl

and girls are emotional

over nothing.

right?

fuck you for

picking favourites.

so obviously.

for punishing me because i started to realise.

that

i was my own person.

i can have my own life

i can choose how i want to live.

i no longer needed to live in bad faith.

i could do things 

without explaining them.

i learnt this late.

very late.

kids my age?

going out with friends.

sleeping over.

hanging out.

choosing what they wanted

to do with their lives.

finding themselves

while i was still 

daddys girl

not understanding why

i did anything i did.

fuck fuck fuck you for

all the tears i cried

on regular days

on christmas days

on new years days

i’m done crying. 

i haven’t cried in a while.

fuck you for all the struggles i have had

fuck you for being the most

neglectful

demanding

draconian

selfish 

egoistical 

father ever.

fuck you for never admitting that maybe just maybe

you fucked up.

and your family is broken.

and you could actually.

help to fix it.

if you.

tried.

to.

be.

open.

and.

talk.

and. not. just. throw. money. at. the. fucking. problem.

things don’t go away just because we pretend they don’t exist.

fuck you 

for letting

an abusive woman live with us

for years

she’s still living with us

she hurts us

you don’t care

you could stop it

you don’t.

sincerely, fuck you

i’ve run out of words to say

even though i can imagine much more.

i hurt. i sting.

i’m ready to leave.

years ago.

my aunt told me.

that.

with your behaviour

you will sooner or later

drive away your only daughter.

i tried to defend you then.

why did i?

she was right.

i’ve only drifted further, further, further, so far away.

goodbye. 

i am no daughter.