shatteredkaleidoscope

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

Rembering a girl i met in a phsych ward / aa combo who was super rich and normal and only went there because her dad said she had a drinking problem and she wanted a vacation

She was bunking with me who she deemed the most normal on her final day, of which i corrected her stating i was the only one in their for being homocidal and suicidal

She was

Shocked

But she still gave mw her number bc i said her bf was trash for abusing her

She was terrified of everyone till i told her that was super rude, she saw some people get dragged off and began to realize day after day how abusive it was to everyone else, i talked with her about her problems and gave them validity and she was astonished at the issues of us there.

I genuinely hope there was some change

But thats one in a sea of oblivous wealth.

It aches.

The worst thing is that there is so much potential for exploring the horror of psych wards from the angle of medical abuse, ableism, forced treatment/drugging, loss of autonomy, power imbalance, demonization, dehumanization, etc, and YET the horror genre keeps defaulting to "insane asylums and psych wards are scary because there are mentally ill people in there"

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

You lost it all, your friends abandond you for being so garbage, you broke it off with your demonic killer boyfriend

And youve just lost your home, job, and that found family hates you

This is survival, and eventually, you have to give in, the loss the exhuastion and being used so much, its too much, it aches so bad.

You like everyone else, needs to give up some times.

Just dont become HELPLESS

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

Learned Helplessness

Learned, enforced, or chosen

It will bog you down and burn you out

This is your sign to study burnout, willpower, and what it means to learn.

I am just a post at the crossroads.

My heart is heavy and my limbs are crumbling from the stone ive been trapped in for ages, behind me are hundreds more.

I urge you to learn.

one day, im going to get out of this stone, and if you havent learned by then, i may be passing your statue, for i am not done yet.

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

The entire jirai community daily

WE GOT TOMODACHI LIFE 2 AND RHYTHM HEAVEN OH MY GOD

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

I fucking love online attention Like yes make me feel better about myself I don't know how to live with myself

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

Maybe if i work myself up enough my heart will explode and take care of that /i say like i havent been on the verge of that for months/

Like i dont have to try i just have to stop trying and im dead easy as that.

Yah.

Easy.

I know well be fine i get that but im not im not fine im fucking loosing my mind i feel so fucking alone im so fucking tired my fucking gods i want to throw up and theres nothing to throw up im fucking swamped with shit i just

I wish enough of my blood would pay the way to a better life i would slit my fucking wrists for him im just so fucking tired

Please let me fucjing sleep im begging you

It hurts so bad im so afraid

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

I wish i could die

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Im going to impale myself soon

Im loosing it im fucjing loosing it

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

Gonna fucking kill myself rq thanks

K bye brb

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

"You just want to be noticed" "you love the attention dont you"

It felt like a dream come true some one loved me enough to come all the way down to find me of all people

He felt like he loved me

I was so alone, i thought he cared

Do you know what Demeter called him?

Cradle Robber

I had to ask what that meant

My heart just hurts

It hurts so very bad

I just wanted to be loved

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

I feel like my hearts gonna fall out of my chest

Gods i feel warmth radiant next to me, familiar ot hurts so fucking bad

Im gonna go i cant fucking handle this i feel like fucking shit

Its still my fault by the way so dont pity me im just lementing the consiquences of

♡ being a fucking moron ♡

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

I was so devoted

No mortal dragged me off my path

It was a shitty abusive narcassistic self obsessed self indulgent god of greed who i actually had the audacity of beliveing when he said he cared.

No he just wanted sex by the way i guess since i never interacted with people and prodominantly to this day have spoken to more spiritual entities than people...

Yeah ig he loves that im practically a virgin in his eyes.

Entitled self important fucking imbicelle who dosnt even know how to make proper Ambrosia luke bitch isnt that your entire thing??? Isnt that your thing you little failure of a person.

You did your godly role just fucking fine though! Thats on me entirely! Thata kinda why i yknow hate myself and want to die so bad???

Because i was idiot enough to fall for your fucking bullshit.

Gods i hate him

Im going back in im returning to my practice im just fucking pissed and i fucking hurt and i just want some fucking friends

Apollos always beena guiding force but him and Zeus both stepped away recently for their own reasons and some shit happened with Hermes so ive been extremely cut off and very fucking afraid.

Of all the times now really now.

Im used to being cut right when i need them

So much so my body literally went into shock when Poseidon stopped some one from attacking me because my body couldnt stop regestering rhe idea that some one still manage to hit me

They didnt

They couldnt

But even though i hadnt even been touched my body felt lije id been hut bad.

I ache

I could talk to him i feel like a bwaten fucking raccon crawling onto his doorstep.

Im so tired

I just want to be loved and held like others are

Even when they were around they didnt do that

Didnt hold me not really nobody but Apollo did

It just aches

I know why he stepped away i just hurt

I know why Zeus shut the doors and its good for me but it hurts

I feel abandond when i know i havent been

And that feeling is hard to push through

My heart aches so bad

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

Every day i grow closer to killing myself

Apparently

Lately every day i wake up i just feel crushed

I hate

I hurt

Im so goddamn tired

Sleep dosnt do shit

Im alone

I fucking hate him

I hate every one of them

And i fucking hate myself

My gods i feel like im going insane

I fell out of my practice i just

I want to rip myself appart i want to kill myself my practice was e erything it kept me sane it was wverything i havent been back in ages i fucking lost all my friends cuz they either got murdered infront of me or they turnned out to be massive fucking narcacistic assholes

3 of them fucking 3 of them im fucking loosing my mind im so fucking stupid im so fucking stupid im so fucking stupid

3 fucjing abusers

3 friends dead wow the fucking power of 3s is invredible if only i meditated on the immense pain and lonelineness i feel right now maybe then i wouldnt want to fucjing rip my heart out or set myself on fire!

Gods i swear im gonna fucking snap i swear im gonna fucking kill mysekf my gods im going fucking insane i cant take it anymore im so fucking lonely this is so fucking stupid

I let them drag me off my path so many fucking times bevause i was fucking stupid

Took so much pride in never wavering not ever not fucking ever

They were right when they said the train went off the rails

Im gonna fucking kill myself

Its my own damn fault im alone its my own fucking fault.

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

Finally was able to calm down enough to ley back and two people started mowing

I cant be too mad

Its 12pm

I just hurt

I threw up a bunch and i only had 2 sandwiches

I did get some fries down

I might just start working

I saw so much

Whys he so gross

I know why i just, rap3 photos??? Really??? rEALLY?? how are you gonna hide that shit and the stupid fucking note and

Gods im so sick

Im not even nausious i just need to say im sick

I havent even been able to cry, i tried to i really did but it just didnt happen

People make fucking playlists for this bitch they make fucking playlists!!!

I dont even care genuinely i just want to fucking sleep

I told myself bo more bath naps after realizing ive just developed a habbit of not breathing sometimes due to severe bath napping tendencies.

But i think im genuonely going to loose my fucking mind if i dont just go sleep in the tub again

Holy fucking shit theres a reason i fucking started

You may have tried to strangle me in one but you wont take my bath time from me you rap1st freak!!!!!

!!!!MY BATH TIME

MY BATH TIME!!!!! YOULL NEVER FUCKING HAVE IT BITCH!!!

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

I love this song but my rib is fucking KILLING ME WHAT THE FUCK WHY

Tonight

Today

Its almost 11am

I hurt so bad oh my god

It hurts so fucking bad

I hate him so much i wish i could cry but that hurts too oh my gods

It hurts because of how many times my ribes have been broken so now if i cry or laugh or even breathe its like im beung slowly crushed by a corset

Oh also because my ex almost killed me by crushing me to to point one of my ribs fractured and my medical issues flaired up again crushing my heart for the secind time in my life????

The first wasnt even him

Gods

I remember when getting impaled by a branch in a ravene at 9 and havung to crawl out bloody was bad

Like

Like i thought that was bad thats how bad its gotten

Im shaking so much gods it hurts

My fucking back popped and ten other things

I do yoga and meditate tho lol

Mmmmmmmmm my leg i think i re ajusted wrong and dislocated it again

Oh

My

God

My god

Ok we good

We good

Why am i even writinf this bullshit

I should just go talk to the gods thwy give a lot of comfort and i know for sure they listen theyll see it thwyll care

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

You know some one with bpd and d.i.d

Bro

Bro

I think youre not the one with all the outlire shit

Im trying man im just one guy damn 😮‍💨

So thats what 🦀 is always looking at their hand for /j

[shatteredkaleidoscope]

Apparently wine expires...