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What Feeds Adoptee Loss and Grief

There's a rarity in the world of adoption that no one speaks about. Perhaps, they don't even know it exists.

There’s a rarity in the world of adoption that must be addressed. I’m addressing it as an adopted person, but it can apply to the adoption triad. That rarity is the unknown reality of bitterness that lodges secretly beneath grief and loss in my adoptee heart. If you examined the garden of my life, you wouldn’t be able to see it, for it twists its gangly roots around relationships, beliefs, and…

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What Shakes Adoptive Mamas To the Core

What Shakes Adoptive Mamas To the Core

Self-worth and suicide are delicate and seemingly untouchable topics in the adopted child’s world. And yet, in an unwelcome way, the two are related. Just like the band’s drum major twirls a silver stick with two rubber ends, adoptive mamas must do much the same–always marching, moving forward, and directing. The two ends of her baton are adoptee self-worth and suicide, which in my adoptee mind,…

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50 Adoptive Mamas Have Marine-Like Hearts!

50 Adoptive Mamas Have Marine-Like Hearts!

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Why Some Adoptees See Their Mom As An Enemy

I’ve wondered for years why I saw Retha, my Mom through adoption, as my enemy. Why did I love getting under her skin? Why did I seek other Moms for advice, giving her a cold shoulder? Why did I delight in making her mad? Why did I hate her? Was it me?

I’ve wondered for years why I saw Retha, my Mom through adoption, as my enemy. Why did I love getting under her skin? Why did I seek other Moms for advice, giving her a cold shoulder? Why did I delight in making her mad? Why did I hate her? Was it me? Was it because basically I’m a bad person? No-I was a deeply wounded adopted child who needed help and healing from the loss of Elizabeth, my First…

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Understanding One Adoptee's Passion

Understanding One Adoptee’s Passion

A fellow adoptee friend told me that many adoptees and foster kids have a ! (exclamation mark) after their name. At first, I didn’t know what she meant, but as she elaborated the meaning, Anne of Green Gables came to mind. If you’ve watched this fascinating series, you would likely agree that Anne has a certain zest for life. Everything she says and does almost paints a picture with words. For…

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Dancing With Your Adopted Child

Dancing With Your Adopted Child

  Today, we’re going to talk about the dance of adoption. Yes, there is such a dance. And we’re going to talk about it for the next few minutes. And hopefully, you will come away with new ideas of how to dance effectively, with your adopted child. Well, think about the floor like this, it’s made up of all the dynamics of your adoption. Maybe, it was a closed adoption. Maybe, it was an open…

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What I Didn't Know About Being Adopted

What I Didn’t Know About Being Adopted

It’s taken a lifetime to understand my past and break free from the Titanic pain that’s submerged beneath my adoptee consciousness. How thankful I am that I can now reframe life according to the upside down kingdom of Jesus. It’s not that the pain is gone, but that my resilience has plummeted. This is not to say that I never fall, or never give in to triggers of pain. Like you, I’m human who’s…

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Adopted Kids May Identify with Buddy At Christmastime

Adopted Kids May Identify with Buddy At Christmastime

Dear all kinds of parents, fellow adoptees and foster kids… Every year, I watch the Christmas movie called ELF, mostly because my beliefs about Christmas, myself, and others in my story–adoptive mother and dad, ring familiar. We can use the movie as a springboard for discussing the challenges of Christmas that many adopted and foster children experience. By watching his struggles and happiness,…

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Guest Post: My Journey Into the World of Adoption, Karen Springs

Guest Post: My Journey Into the World of Adoption, Karen Springs

 My journey into the world of adoption began exactly 17 years ago with a visit to an orphanage, a world away from my middle-class American life. It was early November 2004 and I’d arrived in Kyiv, Ukraine, six weeks earlier for what was intended to be an eight-month postcollege ministry adventure. I was twenty-three years old and ready to hit the ground running when I arrived in a country I knew…

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How Many Adoptees Translate "Special"

How Many Adoptees Translate “Special”

For many adopted kids, teens, and adults, the word “special” might translate as “shitty.” It can be like a 50-pound barbell that we must cart around for life, but most parents don’t know how it burdens. Oh, quit being so negative, Sherrie. Not all adoptees feel this way. Right, but many do and parents must learn to be cautious, educated, and self-regulated. So, am I saying that it’s not okay for…

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The Special Needs of Many Adopted Kids

The Special Needs of Many Adopted Kids

Many adopted children have special needs that adoptive, first, and foster parents must learn  in order to become their child’s #1 cheerleader. Use this list as needed and as age-appropriate for discussing special needs with your child. You might say, “An adopted person wrote a list of her special needs. Would you be interested in seeing it? I’m curious if you identify with any of the needs that…

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My Take On Adoption Reform

It may be tempting to believe this happened only during closed adoptions of bygone eras, but I've found that it's just as alive today as it was the day that my parents adopted me. The majority of adoption agencies, child protective services....

 If a young man or woman signed up to be a Marine, would they be told what to expect? You bet. Bootcamp, deployments, death of their buddies, their personal death, and PTSD. In essence, a Marine would be prepared ahead of time and given the equipment needed to win in battle. There is another group of men or women–adoptive parents who’d give their lives for their children. Some have even dreamed…

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Good News for the World of Adoption Via Podcast

Good News for the World of Adoption Via Podcast

My new podcast-20 THINGS ADOPTION-announces good news for the world of adoption! Adoptive moms and traumatized adoptees can now find freedom–adoptees from their painful past and adoptive moms from their painful self (you know, the self that reminds you you’ll never have what it takes to meet the needs of your adopted child). As an adult adoptee in her seventh decades of life, I experienced this…

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A Birth Grandfather's Goodbye Letter

Adoption gives a baby a new family, but the birth family is left with deep grief. Listen to this grandfather's thoughts.

Dear Baby, Although I consider myself a literate and learned man, I confess that these are the hardest words I have ever written or read in my nearly fifty years of life. I want to tell you about the circumstances of your conception and birth. Since I won’t be able to do it in person, this letter will have to suffice. Were you to have come into your family I would have been your grandfather and…

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What Scared My Adoptive Parents

What Scared My Adoptive Parents

How sad I am that on homecoming day at ten days of age, Retha (Mom) and Mike (Dad) momentarily lost their confidence, giving in to fear. When Mike handed tiny me to Retha, I arched my back and screamed bloody murder. I’ve since learned that whenever a baby arches it’s back, it means it is in a lot of pain. Not only was there the pain of being unwanted and unplanned, but the pain of inexplicable…

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Comfort for Hurting Adoptive Moms

Comfort for Hurting Adoptive Moms

There are advantages to growing older and I discovered one of those this morning. While cleaning out decades of papers, I found two poems that I thought I’d share with a few adoptive moms I know who are going through difficult and discouraging times. When I read the poems a couple of times, I realized that I wrote them back in January 1978. The poems address deep suffering and where I found…

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Cheat Sheet for Talking Adoption

Cheat Sheet for Talking Adoption

Adoptive parents often ask me, “When should we tell our child she is adopted?” My answer is always–“From day one.” Day one if your child is a newborn, day one if your school aged child’s parents are killed in a wreck and you’re entering kinship adoption, and day one if your teen’s only parent is placed permanently in jail. I remember being at an event one time and a social worker was…