shhhhilent

[shhhhilent]

I want to do it.

I never had the urge to do it but i want to do it more than anything right now.

Telling myself i’m okay, pretending like nothing is happening and putting on a fake smile each day kills every part of me wanting to be alive.

I want to do it.

But i still care.

I care about the people i would stay behind, thinking that its all their fault not giving me much attention when the only thing they did is take me for granted because they’re too busy living their life, who would want to bother mine?

I told myself i don’t want to be seen, heard or found but each day that i force myself to wake up, i pray for someone to notice. I want someone to tell me i’m not okay.

I don’t know how to live like i was back then. No insecurities, no pride, just carefree doing things i want to do without giving so much care about others who makes me feel like they like me when they just want me to do something for them.

I want to care for myself. Be there for me. Be the first person who loves me and truly cares about me. But i still feel guilty. I know there are a lot of people who have it worse, and that i’m just lack attention.

But how could it heart like this?

Everyday i wake up heartbroken.

I want to end it.

But i still believe its not me who could.

And i could never betray someone who’s given me life that i chose to wreck and now i’m to weak to accept it how i did.

I want to do it.

But i won’t.

Because i don’t deserve it.

I don’t deserve to just run away from the things i chose for myself.

This pain.

This excruciating pain i would always have to live by in this world would forever be with me until the day i chose to move on from myself.

[shhhhilent]

They will find your flaws so easily,

They will ridicule you because they think its fun,

They will point you to be that person you never were,

They would do all that things because

you never say anything to them,

Because you never fight,

You never show it.

And from that alone,

Its all your fault.

Because you are weak.

And in this world,

They prey on you.

[shhhhilent]

When i’m gone

In case i’ll be gone. Treat me the same.

Don’t cry and do things you wouldn’t do when i’m still here.

Because that hurts more.

Believe i’m still here. Alone. Away.

You just don’t make time for me.

You just don’t bother to catch up with me.

You just don’t appreciate me.

You just don’t see me.

You just ignore me.

And thats fine.

Because when i’m gone.

There shouldn’t be any differences when i was still here.

Don’t bother pretending for a couple of days.

Be You.

Then you’ll forget you’re even fake hurting.

Bye

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wanting to comeback and wanting to restart

how

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180822

The very first group i was in love with since day 1

Ever since their debut, i was so sure that i’ll be their number one fan till the end

They broke my heart when they were on hiatus,

When they came back, i felt like they never left

But i knew somehow things would go this way when they still came back to TS

I feel so selfish right now for crying because i know how hard it is for them to come back despite all the hardships they’ve been through,

They’ve put us first because they knew we’ve

been waiting,

Now its our time to do our parts again,

I would still understand

I would still support

I would still stay

No matter what

Still

Six

Still

BAP

Still

Babyz

#FOREVERWITHBAP

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#6YearsWithBAP

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[shhhhilent]

What i wanted to tell you but couldn’t

From the start, i knew i wasn’t going to be happy. I even told you i won’t. In fact, i cried telling you that i wasn’t going to. But you didn’t understand it anyway. Im okay with not being happy or not being able to do the thing i want to do but at least, i want to do something that i can do, something thats even bearable for me to do. When i took the path you told me to, everything was a blur. Waking up every single day was pain that made me numb. I knew i wasn’t going to succeed at what you wanted me to do. I tried. I really tried hard. But i got so afraid of myself changing, i needed to stop trying. 

Then i failed. I know you were going to get mad. You were disappointed. I failed you. And in that time, I cried wishing i wasn’t your daughter. I know you deserved better, i wasn’t that and I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry for making you wait and anticipate that i’m going to make you proud. There’s no reason for my failures but me. Its not that i can’t, its because i am. I am myself, thats why i couldn’t do the things you wanted me to. I grew up liking and loving the things you didn’t even see. But i know i still can’t blame you for that. You were away. And i understood that. 

You know, i get teary and heartbroken knowing you were always alone. I couldn’t bear thinking that you always eat by yourself. Maybe thats why i couldn’t stand seeing anyone eating alone, especially old people. Because i see you, and when i do, i feel worse. There were times i hated you for not being there, but then i hated myself for my selfish thinking. 

Growing up, i thought that when i understood you, you would do the same. I thought you could see that even when i’m all grown up, you could still see the scared little girl i always am. Without you is growing up without courage. I was always afraid of starting new things because there was no one beside me. No one to tell me its okay, its alright, its fine. It was always just me. And i was afraid of that. Because i didn’t believe in me. I had always believed in you. 

But when you told me to live the life you wanted,

I didn’t live a life at all, 

I lived yours. 

[shhhhilent]

Just because i don't say anything, doesn't mean nothings wrong

061918

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WRITE

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LEAVE A MARK

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U know why

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Fave

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I hope we could all be better. In every way. In our everyday

060818

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emotional jongup crying @ loe true awake :_(

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babies