can you fight god?
Steve Rogers one-shots god.
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this is the fight of our lives
and weâre going to win.
whatever it takesâŚ
mcu based and canon divergent
CAPTAIN AMERICA
steven grant rogers
shielded by: dixon
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@whitesuitedâ || a meme from somewhere in here! || yep! thereâs bunches.
belt loops .  pull  my  muse  closer  by  their  belt loops . đđđ
To say itâs been a day is an understatement.
Steve sits in the living room with the radio on. Some station thatâs playing quieter melodies that heâs not really paying attention to. Something to drown out the noise of the city past the windows and nothing more. Itâs warm in the room thanks to the faint glow coming from the hearth. Candles dance in their holders and a dim Tiffany lamp shines a myriad of colors against the wall. Everythingâs muted, quiet for a reason. Heâs just enjoying the silence..
Sharon seems to notice it, too. He hears her enter and she comes into the room from the foyer without a word. Their eyes meet and he smiles. She smiles back and it warms him to his bones more than any fireplace ever could. Thereâs a sigh of relief that parts his lips--sheâs HOME. A hand comes up, motions her near. He only waits for her to get close enough that he can loop his fingers through her belt loops and pull her the rest of the way in. âCâmere..â
His foreheadâs there to greet her belly once sheâs close enough. Steve breathes her in with a deep inhale once his nose presses in, too. Head turned, his cheek rests flat against her and arms wrap around her waist to hold her there. âThis is nice..,â his voice is low like heâs afraid to break apart the silence too much--might jinx things with the chaos heâs doing his best to stave off (heâs had enough til tomorrow--both in his head and outside the walls). âYou smell good,â so says the faint hum as his hand moves up her back while the other spreads his fingers against her side, âMissed you.â
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mun theory: ur dad's name is richard so ur not dixon ur dick's son
// now that u know the secret? iâm gonna have to make u disappear.
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&& unexceptional // becky.
        âI JUST WANT you to get it in your head that there isnât a single Barnes out there who would want you to think that his life is WORTH more than yours.â It was a complicated feeling sheâd had to wrestle with for a long time â far longer than the war â ⌠that she wouldnât want Steve to hurt himself even for Jimmyâs benefit. And that she wouldnât expect him to pick her brother over his own safety. Not because she valued him more⌠she just wanted him to value himself more than he did. And she knew that there wasnât a more wretched feeling than having someone so ready to kill themselves for your benefit. Sheâd seen it in the war to so many degrees: boys who died with their familyâs picture in their hands saying at least I died for them before the light faded. But Becky had been one of those families left behind, both by Steve and by Jimmy. Sheâd been the next of kin who had gotten one telegram⌠and then another. And she knew that there was no relief from that pain that came with the understanding that they were ready to die for you.Â
But try as she might, she couldnât impress upon Steve â had never been able to, if she thought about it â that nothing else mattered once you were dead, because you were just dead. That she hadnât felt comforted or protected when sheâd been given flags to take the place of the boys in her life. But flags didnât fill a home with sound. Flags didnât work endlessly at whatever jobs they could pick up â at the docks or the factories or anywhere looking for a body â only to need a shirt hemmed before the next morning. Flags werenât ever going to make her feel safe and loved and wanted.Â
               The flags had only ever made her feel alone.Â
âIâve already had to bury you,â Becky repeated. âIâve never heard of someone else who had to deal with what Iâm dealing with, so I donât know what I want, okay? I just donât want to go through what I went through again, and you saying sorry or trying to use my brother against me isnât making me figure it out any faster.âÂ
Steve already knows that..
He already knows that Bucky would tell him to stop. Let him go. Let the memory slip away with him until it doesnât hurt anymore. He knows down to his bones that Bucky wouldnât want him to risk himself to save him. And yet? He, also, knows that Bucky wouldnât listen to his own words if the roles were reversed either. Hypocrites. Both of them. Theyâll have to accept that. Hell. They mostly have. Even if itâs infuriating at the time. Her worry isnât lost on him. In spite of what she might think. Of what sheâs reduced him to in her mind. That he doesnât care that sheâs hurt. Or that he sees her pain and it doesnât mean anything to him because he refuses to quit. He sees it. He knows. He understands. If there was any other way to do this without hurting her? Steveâd take it in a heartbeat. Less than.
But heâs not sure there is and so heâs gotta do what heâs gotta do. If there was a way he could reassure her that heâd be back, he would. Impossible as a feat that it seems to be, he doesnât think there is. Part of him feels a splash of anger drop into the mix when she accuses him of using her brother against her. Thatâs not what this is. Thatâs not what this EVER was.Â
Mostly, though? Hurt registers in his eyes and the flinch of his jaw as if recovering from a slap is all that greets the accusation before he wipes his palm over his mouth and drops it to his side after. Breathing in through his nose, Steve finds that heâs---speechless. Thereâs no words that he can say to make things better. No words that he can say that would gain him any favor in her eyes.
And he canât shake the feeling of his gut twisting when he repeats those words back. âTrying to use my brother against me..â Theyâve gotten to a point where this wonât be salvaged tonight. âItâs--Iâm not--I should go..,â his hands find their way to his pockets and he turns his attention from the floor back to her. Lips part. Then close. And he reaches one hand up, scratching at his jaw as he turns for the door and makes his way towards the exit.
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&& symbiiotic // eddie.
đđđđđđđđ,  đđđ  đđđ  đđđđđđ  đđđđđ  đđđ  ?    Eddieâs  ââ  new  to  this  kinda  life,  and  this  universe,  and  he  heard  so  much  about  everything  thatâs  happened  here  ââ  it  was  kinda  a  long  road  to  even  finding  the  Avengers,  and  after,  y'know,  learning  what  he  could?  Even  longer  to  be  bold  enough  to  even  find  them  to  reach  out  at  all.  Thereâs  still  that  cold  fear  of  just  being  taken  as  the  bad  guy,  because  he  figures  most  of  these  guys  ainât  gonna  exactly  be  calm  about  an  alien  who,  y'know,  eats  brains.
[  đˇđžđťđ  đđˇđ¸đ!  đ°đ˝đł  đđ´  đđˇđžđđśđˇđ  đ˛đ°đđ˝đ°đśđ´  đ°đ˝đł  đđ¸đžđ  đđ´đđ´  đąđ°đł!  ]  Venomâs  just  as  enamored  as  he  is,  though  ââ  perhaps  less  surprised.  Eddie  can  feel  some  inkling  that  Venomâs  hiding  something  from  him  again  ââ  some  knowledge,  some  recognition,  because  a  lot  of  their  exclamations  and  commentary  have  felt  ââ  oddly  performative.  But  this  isnât  the  time  or  place,  so  he  just  mutters,  "  No  fucking  kidding,  "  as  he  watches  the  reports  flicker  by.  Devastation.  Worldwide  sorrow.  Death,  loss.  Itâs  almost  incomprehensible.
â  Okay,  youâre  just  gonna  have  to  ââ  fuck,  youâre  gonna  have  to  forgive  me,  Iâm  still  stuck  on  the  whole  billionare  in  a  tin  suit  and,  y'know,  a  ââ  uh.  Veteran  of  the  World  War  2  who  looks  younger'n  me  and  a  giant  green  angry  guy  and  a  literal  Norse  god  and  ââ  â  He  waves  his  hands,  pinching  his  nose,  "  Fighting  a  god  damn  alien  army  by  playinâ  Back  to  the  Future.  Itâs  just.  A  lot?  Okay?  "
[  đđ¸đźđ´  đ¸đ  đ°  đđ´đ¸đđł  đđˇđ¸đ˝đś,  đ´đłđłđ¸đ´.  đđ´  đ˛đžđđťđł  đđˇđžđ  đđžđ  đ¸đľ  đđžđ  đđžđđťđł  đťđ´đ  đđ.  ]
Eddie  grimaces.  "  Yeah,  not  ââ  bad  timing,  buddy.  "
Steveâs carefully watching him..
In spite of the lightness heâs attempting to bring into the conversation, Eddie looks like he needs it, heâs keeping a careful eye on the other man searching for the moment where he might have to steer them away from this conversation. Let him go. Maybe come back again. When it all isnât too much. (And itâs much easier than watching whatâs on the television.. Heâs seen it before anyway.) Pressing his tongue against the backs of his teeth, a watchful back and forth wander of his gaze measureâs Eddieâs profile after the outburst. Itâs gone by the time he starts speaking.
âThereâs nothing to forgive. I know itâs a lot..,â a brow quirks up when he leans forward in his chair and braces his elbows on the tops of his thighs. Fingers lace together and hands lift. He taps two extended thumbs against his bottom lip, pausing to consider his words before he continues. âDoesnât really get easier to digest.. Sometimes I have a hard time believing all of it happened. Even though I was there. Tell me all this would happen back before this? I woulda thought you were crazy. Outta some story..â
And yet the world unfolded in a way that was far stranger, far otherworldly than any novel Bucky wouldâve shoved in his lap to read in hopes of keeping him busy. âIâm just... I thought maybe you seeing what did happen. Might help you to understand.. that whatever you came to me for? You donât have to be worried. Iâve seen a lot. More than just what you see there. Thatâs just the beginning.â
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&& unexceptional // becky.
         âI DONâT WANT you to back down if somethingâs wrong,â she replied, though perhaps her agreeing didnât sound much like agreeing through the angry tones that threatened to push over into that strange mix of rage and grief that always came after feelings like this. âBut Iâm not gonna let you keep TRYING to put yourself in a goddamn wooden box every time you sniff injustice in the air. And donât give me the itâs not gonna happen bullshit, âcuz I can list off SEVERAL suicide missions youâve decided you were uniquely qualified for.
âYou think you dying is gonna do anything to protect anyone? That the badâs just gonna STOP when youâve finally how sweet and right it is to die for your countryâd yourself right into the grave?â The fear behind her anger had bubbled up to take the place of rage somewhere between him putting the ice pack on his head and Becky stepping back, away from him, scared that she was either going to start taking swings or crying if she didnât put space between them.
âIâll tell you whatâs gonna happen when youâre gone,â she said, starting to pace. âAnd itâs a when, not an if, because I know youâre not gonna stop trying to prove yourself to yourself until youâre dead. But hereâs whatâs gonna happen: I can tell you because Iâve already done it. Iâm gonna be here, probably with another empty casket because you wonât even give me the peace of mind of getting to see you one last time. And someoneâs gonna tell me that I should be proud to have known you. And someone else is gonna give me another folded up flag, because lord knows two wasnât enough the first time around. And then Iâm gonna use the same headstone as last time, because why waste a good piece of granite? And then the bad in the world is still gonna keep happening, except itâs gonna feel even darker because youâre not there.âÂ
Somewhere in the speech she hadnât planned on making, sheâd stopped some distance away and had turned to meet Steveâs eyes again.Â
âSomeoneâs gotta give a shit whether you live or die,â she said. âAnd between us, we know itâs never been you. But I get all the flak for being a worrier. You donât make life fair.âÂ
âIâm sorry I put you through that.. Back then. That you didnât get the chance to say goodbye to either one of us.â Ice pack forgotten once itâs sat down, he turns and walks a few steps away before leaning against the wall. A dull thud can be heard as his head rests back against the plaster. âIâm sorry that it hurt you more than I can ever hope to make better. But? Becky. Iâm not as suicidal as you think. I donât want to die..â Itâs just that. When push comes to shove? Heâs not afraid to if it means itâs going to protect others.Â
âThere were times I did. Canât lie my way out of that. When I lost him. That was the worst. Didnât really think I could keep going knowing that Iâd just got him back and then he was gone again. That I failed that bad. Thatâs the time where I really just thought that following after him? Was all I could bring myself to do..â
Blue eyes roll towards the ceiling and he folds his lips between his teeth trying to measure his words right. âIâve just always had a low price tag on myself. You know that. I know that. Iâm sorry.â A crease of confusion, of straining to think things through forms between his eyebrows. Itâs still there when he turns his attention back towards her. Eye to eye, his palms swing out from his hips and he shrugs.Â
âWhat do you want me to do? Give up? Throw in the towel? Just say to hell with it and let things go? I canât do that. Not when it comes to him. Especially that. And you canât expect me to ever think otherwise. Why would you want me to,â his head tilts and he tries to tie together where heâs doing wrong by standing beside this ever present need to never let Bucky down and to be who she wants him to be.
Arenât they supposed to go hand in hand? Especially in her book..
âIs that what you want me to do? Retire? Stop? Whatâs going to make you happy? Cause Iâm not sure I can figure out what that is..â Heâs desperate and it shows. Confused and hurt.
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đđđđđ  đđ  đđđđ
âł đşđ´đ¨đşđŻ đśđš đˇđ¨đşđş !
â Â Â đđđđ, Â đđđ Â đ Â đđđđ Â đđđ'đđ Â đđđđđđđ Â đđđ Â đđ
 đđđđđ,  đđđ.  â   ă  đđˇđ  đ°đđ´  đđžđ  đťđ°đđśđˇđ¸đ˝đś?  ă   â  Itâs  Captain  fuckinâ  America,  man!  The  ââ  like,  the  national  hero.  The  chance  of  that  happening  is  like,  next  to  zero  with  a  side  of  ââ  jesus.  â   ă  đ¸  đłđžđ˝'đ  đđˇđ¸đ˝đş  đšđ´đđđ  đˇđ°đ  đ°đ˝đđđˇđ¸đ˝đś  đđž  đłđž  đđ¸đ𡠠đđˇđ¸đ.  ă   â  Yeah,  no,  Jesus  left  the  building  like  last  year  with  this  conversation.  â   ă  đ°đ˝đđđ´đ!  ă   â  Okay,  christ,  fine,  you  know  ââ  yeah,  hell,  if  Steve  Rogers  showed  up  at  our  door  and  wanted  to  get  it  on,  who  the  fuck  would  say  no?  â
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&& unexceptional // becky.
        SHE DIDNâT WANT to give him a chance to speak; the more he talked, the more he was just talking out of his ass, and she didnât have the bandwidth for his shit in that minute. So when he decided to take the SMART ROUTE and say nothing, she was relieved.Â
âDonât start with your shit,â she repeated herself, because she was about one bad decision of Steveâs away from losing her mind in anger and the incomprehensible nature of her rage was already starting to settle in.Â
âBecause if you say one more goddamn time that you were doing this for Jimmy, or whatever other excuse youâve come up with to give yourself a free pass to do WHATEVER YOU WANT, I swear Iâm gonna try to kill you, and then someone will probably kill me for trying to kill you, even though you seem absolutely dead set on getting yourself killed. WHAT ELSE HAS CHANGED?â She threw her hands up, punctuating the end of the sentence with just how frustrated she was with everything. With him, with the reasons he always came up with as to why he was always right and everyone else was always wrong, and the way people just WENT ALONG with it.Â
âYour way of doing things isnât always the right way,â she said, stepping toe to toe with him and shoving an ice pack in his hands for the bump on his head, looking straight up.
                     âThis feels awful familiar, donât it?â Â
Becky is .. was .. is .. the checks and balances that he knows sheâd rather not be. But, sheâs never afraid to voice her mind. Wasnât back then and isnât now. He appreciates that about her. Admires her for it. One of the many reasons. Having it turned around on him, though? Never a fun thing. Never something to enjoy. He wished there was another person here. Someone to get in the middle. Turn the conversation around. But he wasnât and facing this solo was the only option he had.Â
Shouldâve turned around and crept back out. Unnoticed and disengaged. Too late.
Steve stands there through the tongue lashing, not daring to interrupt. Blue eyes swing from the floor up to greet hers a few times. Thereâs things he disagrees with there. So says the clenching of his jaw and how he grinds his back teeth together to keep his mouth shut. But then heâs got an ice pack shoved in his hands and reflexes have his fist curling around it before he takes a step back to put space between them.Â
A small, half-smileâs there to answer her question before he dips his head in a nod. âYeah. It does. Some things never change..â Him being one of them. At his roots, heâs still the person who stands behind his convictions the same way he did back then. Thereâs been moments heâs faltered. Moments heâs questioned himself. Questioned everything--but this isnât one of those times and he doesnât appreciate being treated like it might be.
âFor the record? I know Iâm not always right.. You should know me better than to think I do.â The ice packâs swung up to rest on top of his head. The bumpâll heal soon with or without it. âBut..you also know that I wonât back down when I feel like I gotta do something to protect people I care about either. And Iâll do everything I can to do that. I canât apologize for it. Iâm not sorry. Iâm just sorry that itâs something that you wish wouldnât happen... I understand why, though. I care about you, too.â Who knows if thatâs the right thing to say or not? Itâs out there. Thatâs all he can do.
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They called you golden boy
and pushed you up to heavens
to live amongst the stars.
But you couldnât bear
the weight of the universe
so you crumbled
and you fell.
And you burned.
And you burn.
they donât know no gold is made without suffering (via gaywarstars)
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#damn
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MAYBE I DONâT THINK Iâm good enough of a guy to be a GOOD GUY. But âââ Iâm trying. WEâRE trying. Every day.
movie / headcanon based ( 2018 + 2021 ); written by ROWAN.
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&& statesangria // penny.
đđđđđđđđđđ Â đđđđđ Â đđ Â đđđđ Â đ
đđđđ⌠  đđđđđ.   itâs  been  almost  two  years  since  bucky  died,   and  itâs  been  hard.   there  have  been  days  where  life  just  felt   pointless   and  it  felt  like  sheâd  never  move  on⌠  and  yet  steve  hasnât  left  her  side  ever  since.   and  she  hasnât  left  his.   theyâve  been  each  otherâs  support  system  through  all  the  grief  and  adjustment  and  itâs  helped  her  more  than  she  can  even  put  into  words.   and  sure,   bucky  might  want  her  to  move  on  someday,   but  like  this?   with  his   best  friend?   itâs⌠  complicated.   overwhelming.   and  yet  here  they  are.
it  was  only  a  matter  of  time.   they  might  have  been  close  before,   but  now?   itâs  different.   thereâs  a  connection  there  thatâs  been  growing  steadily  over  the  last  year,   and  they  shouldnât  be  surprised  that  itâs  finally  caught  up  to  them.   lips  are  caught  in  a  heated  kiss,   roaming  hands  tugging  at  clothes,   and  as  much  as  it  feels   wrong   she  just  canât  seem  to  stop  herself.   before  long,   they  stumble  toward  the  bedroom,   her  dress  shirt  half  shrugged  off  as  steveâs  lips  move  along  her  neck.   and  the  words  he  utters?   they  send  a  shiver  down  her  spine.
â  steveâ  â   she  breathes,   leaning  in  to  nip  at  his  ear  before  that  nagging  voice  in  her  head  finally  butts  in.   hands  press  gently  against  his  chest,   pressing  enough  pressure  to  get  his  attention  but  not  daring  to  push  him  away.   â  steve,   we  shouldnâtâ  â   itâs  beyond  complicated.   she  wants  him,   she  really  does,   but  at  the  same  time?   god,   it  feels  like  she  should  be  ready  for  this,   like  she  should  be  able  to  get  past  the  whole   dead  boyfriend   thing,   but⌠  for  some  reason,   this  all  starts  to  scare  her.   chest  heaves  as  she  regains  her  breath,   lifting  his  chin  to  look  him  in  the  eye.
â  ⌠  i  still  love  him,  â   she  frowns,   tears  stinging  behind  her  lashline  that  she  refuses  to  let  go.  and yet?  she loves steve,  too.  how is that fair?
They made promises. Bucky and him. That heâd be there for her if anything ever happened. And he hasnât left her side. She hasnât left his either. In a way, sheâs been here for him more than he feels like heâs been much good to her at times. Losing Bucky left a hollowness inside of him that couldnât seem to be filled. Right after? Nothing felt real. Heâd lost him so many times before that heâd convinced himself if he just held on. If he tried harder. Looked further. Did MORE. That heâd find him. Somewhere. Bring him back in one piece. Just like before. Just like always. Maybe some parts of him havenât given up that hope and thereâs a guilty streak in him that says itâs not all for her either. That it isnât even mostly for her. He wants him back. Because heâs barely had him every time heâs won the battle to get him home.
But thereâs another spark thatâs been building. Something he never planned. Emotions thatâve dug in deep and refused to keep from growing. Plenty of sleepless nights have been spawned from those thoughts, those ideas, those feelings. Ones he gets when he looks at her. He fell for her. Somewhere in between the pain and loss and comfort and quiet. He fell. And heâs apologized to his best friend more than once, wondering if heâd be forgiven. Of course he would. And, now, tonight--itâs become a powder keg and that sparkâs gotten too close. The fire thatâs burning inside of him damn near brings him to his knees the second her mouthâs on his. Itâs not long before theyâre becoming consumed by it and stumbling towards the bedroom.
âYeah,â his tongue catches his bottom lip and pulls it in as chills run down his shoulder when her teeth find his ear. Thereâs a rock in his throat and itâs growing--he swallows around it but his heartâs pounding and---should they be doing this? He wants her, he does. God, every piece of him wants her. Should he let this happen? And all he can feel is her in reply. Until thereâs a pressure against his chest and it draws his attention down to her hands. He stops immediately, panting for air when he hears her tell him they shouldnât. His heart drops. Takes his stomach along with it, too. He nods, voice momentarily stolen. And he canât look up until she makes him. Burning eyes meet hers as his arms relax from around her.
âMe, too,â he confesses with tears in his eyes. God he does still love him. In ways he should and ways he never shouldâve. He doesnât hesitate when he gently touches his fingers to the back of her head and pulls her in close enough to press a kiss to the top of it and then her forehead. âIâm sorry, Penny..â And he means it down to his bones. âI shouldnâtâve let it...â He blows out a breath. âIâm just really sorry.â
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I donât think Iâve articulated just how much I love pre-serum Steve Rogers.
Heâs basically been handed the fuzzy end of the lollipop. Everything about him pretty much screams bully-bait: heâs small, heâs physically weak, heâs got health problems coming out the wazoo, heâs of Irish heritage in New York (if you donât know about how the Irish migrants spent decades being marginalised, you need to look into that), he lives in a known gay area, and his mother is a single mother.
But he never once lets that hold him back. Heâs fierce enough and proud enough (too much some might say) to basically stick to his beliefs and views.
And I donât doubt that a lot of it comes from a need to prove that despite how he looks and all the problems that come with his health and everything, heâs not weak. Steveâs concept of self-care is pretty much non-existent. He will put himself in physical danger because he has to make people SEE HIM, not just the illnesses, not just the frailty, not the weak body.
The scene in the shot above is the perfect embodiment of this: itâs a moment when anyone would feel vulnerable, but all he cares about is âI can do thisâ.
Steveâs whole life can be measured in an âI can do this"need to prove heâs not incapable. As someone who has probably been dismissed and overlooked and pushed aside in favour of everyone else, itâs become his mantra. Literally.
Orphaned and grieving - âI can do this on my ownâ. Being beaten senseless in an alley - âI can do this all dayâ. Wanting to join the army - âI know you donât think I can do thisâ. As part of a massive science experiment that is making him scream in agony - âDonât! I can do thisâ.
(Also, on an interesting aside, he also has immense social anxiety - the one time he doesnât think he can do this? When heâs being put on show as the one thing he doesnât believe he is - a hero.)
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     SHEâS   NOT  IN DANGER,    SHE   IS   THE DANGER.
independent roleplay blog for maria hill from the marvel universe.
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&& unexceptional // becky barnes.
        HE WAS GONNA be the death of her. Anyone bothering to look from the outside may have thought it was Jimmy who she needed to worry about the most. Jimmy, whose draft card sat like a ticking clock over their heads. Jimmy, who took hits at the neighborhood boxing club and came up with a grin and a bruised jaw. Jimmy, who needed to have someone turn his head back round when pretty girls flashed pretty smiles.Â
No. No⌠it was Steve who made her heart stop about twice a week. Steve, who made promises he couldnât â maybe wouldnât â keep. Steve, who still climbed through the fire escape instead of going to the door because the spot of the apartment curtained off for Becky was closest to that window. Steve, who was gonna get himself killed just trying to convince everyone else around him that he didnât have any fear.Â
Honestly, she was starting to get tired of these lectures about as much as she was sure he was. When they had been little, sheâd gotten into just about as many fights as he did, but when everyone else kept growing bigger and sheâd stayed the same size sheâd been since she was about thirteen, Becky had had to learn how to pick her fights and how to use more than fists. If she didnât know any better, sheâd have thought that Steve didnât want to learn that lesson. Sometimes she thought he did all this â got into fights he knew he couldnât win, kept lying to the government for the honor of being cannon fodder⌠â because he knew he shouldnât and he was mad. At the world, at the universeâŚ. maybe even himself, she didnât know. It just felt like the more she told him that she didnât want to be stitching up his shirt to put him in a cedar box, the more he tried to make that fear a reality.Â
âWhy canât you be good enough when Iâm around?â she asked him, dropping that last rag into the sink and handing him a fresh one. He could keep his split lip clean by himself it he wanted to keep trying to convince her that it was the right thing to do. âWhy canât you think of all the times Iâve had to clean you up â all the times Jimmy knows about and the ones he doesnât â and decide to just give me a goddamn day off?â Why do you give a shit when heâs worried, but give me heart attacks every day?
What she said next? That hurt worse than the bite on his lip did. Both getting it and the astringent she cleaned it up with being jammed against the wound. It knotted up his stomach and ripped his gaze from hers and aimed it, guilt-ridden, towards the floor instead. She was right. He deserved every word. Then some, even. Buck was always at the front of his mind. A mixed bag of emotions that he felt since he could remember. Ones he could touch. Others he never could out of fear of what they meant. But they were there and deep and created a heap of worry that was always clinging to the wrong of his mind no matter what the circumstances were. Or how he always managed to fuck up and break whatever promises he made about trouble and staying out of it.Â
Thereâs just so much bottled up inside.. Itching and clawing and screaming to get out.
Sometimes he feels like heâll break in two because of it. Some building pressure that will just have him exploding into tiny pieces long past stitching back together. The only way to make some of it ease up is with fists and fights he might never win butâll beat his way down into a gutter trying to. Itâs in how he wants to follow his BEST FRIEND into the trenches for the privilege of being there with him if he falls and maybe having a chance to stop it. Of giving his everything for something he believes in because itâs so fucking hard to believe in what he sees in the mirror every day and then other times? All he can do is believe every word his mother ever told him that he was born to make a difference and the only way he knows how is...
..with bloodied knuckles and bloodier lips. With bruises he leaves behind and ones that are pounded into him. With broken bones and broken vows and broken lines that never will accept him because just look at him. Make a difference. How the hell does he make a difference when all he gets is.. Be careful. You canât do that. You gotta watch yourself. Come on, you know you canât. Youâre not tall enough. Well enough. Whole enough. Man enough..
He goes to her because sheâs all heâs got. But wonât go where heâs not wanted. The muscles lining his jaw flinch before setting. âI didnât mean---.â Steve clears his throat and straightens up from the momentary slouch his shoulders took. âSorry, Becky..â Without meeting her gaze again, he quickly starts to grab up the towels littered here and there. Even the ones in the sink. âIâll take âem home. Wash âem and bring âem back when theyâre done. Then Iâll let you be. Thanks, though. I appreciate it.â
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// okies switching gears to do a reply or two before bed. iâll be back tomorrow after work to do some more on my accounts. but i gotta start trying to shut my brain down for sleeps and writing keeps it going! oooof. this night owl self of mine will switch to days someday. i swear.
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