shoeboxboy

[shoeboxboy]

see this scar right here? That's from when my own pet cigarette turned on me and bit me as a child. my father had to put it down in the shed with an ash tray

[shoeboxboy]

Retrospective

[shoeboxboy]

Bari Wood, Twins

[shoeboxboy]

Guitarist David makes me feel things...

[shoeboxboy]

Henry Fuseli (1741–1825) - “Sin Pursued by Death”

illustration to John Milton’s ‘Paradise Lost’

engraved by Moses Haughton Jr., 1804

source

[shoeboxboy]

heart 2 heart

[shoeboxboy]

i think all straight people should try being a little bisexual just to see how they feel about it. i dont even mean physically i just mean like. stare a photos of hot men for a bit. watch gay porn. deeply consider the potential of reconnecting with your childhood best friend who you kind of lost touch with despite how close you used to be, leading to a long slowburn romance in which you rediscover the things you love about eachother but don't want to commit in case it ruins your friendship. its called exploring your options ok.

[shoeboxboy]

just finished reading the incest diary - research for fratricidality - n thinking lots abt patriarchal violence. thoughts under the cut:

the concept of survival pleasure struck my brain w lightning - "how could i not love the man that set me free?". for all the pain and suffering that exists among human connection, there is as much survival pleasure as there are deaths. the body has evolved to survive, and we must find some semblance of joy in our experiences in order to motivate the continuation of life, and there are direct ways of receiving bodily pleasure (sex, food, warmth and safety and shelter, spiritual/emotional/mental health, etc) and when these ways are disrupted, say, by violence or abuse or general instability, the body must formulate new, indirect pathways to pleasure.

patriarchal violence is so ingrained in larger eurowestern colonial society, it infects social and personal spaces to the point of becoming and enforcing a standard amount of harm, it states that bodies exist to be overpowered by some conceptual Man, and when individual, existing men learn to cause harm, they learn also that they are to offer this power "taken" to the altar of that conceptual Man, they are reinforcing its power. what is often confounding to audiences when it comes to discussions of sexual violence and the gendered nature of victimhood is the concept that while men are generally accepted and seen as the embodiment of this patriarchal figure, all those socialized in its midst can become worshipers, one can offer one's own power to this altar, one can create pain for oneself in sacrifice and find a pleasure in submitting to devoting oneself to it, get hooked on survival pleasure and forgo the comparatively pale direct pleasures, one can build the association that this learned pain-to-pleasure pathway is the only pathway to pleasure, "catharsis" and "catholic" are words connected in both sounds and philosophies; suffering makes one purer, suffering multiplies the godly pleasures of heaven, worshiping and sacrificing oneself at the altar promises the greatest orgasm known to Man, the bodily phenomenon known as death.

What we experience under patriarchal violence and how one makes sense of it within this culturally informed world view can be (and often is) in battle with the nature of living things. since the altar of Man is much larger than any individual man one comes across who may perpetrate violence on its behalf, it makes reconciling the experience of survival pleasure in the presence of violence extremely difficult to address and heal from - how can we turn back to direct pleasure pathways when we're continuously forced down the pain pathway? when retraumatization is all we know and the direct pleasure pathway is just a memory eaten up by overgrowth, untreaded on for too long. so one learns to love the knife that touches as it wounds. one learns to motivate pleasure through violence, whether it's hurting others or oneself. a body learns that it must receive pain signals in order to release endorphins, it does not recognize the shape of happy things that do not penetrate the skin. it learns to find comfort in the familiar pain-pleasure sense memory triggered by those that embody Man. there are worshipers in droves and they all permeate the familiar scent of that altar, submission to dominance and blood and rot. everyone that wishes to benefit must sacrifice and no one is an exception. it is an individual choice that feeds a larger, unquestionable beast, beyond our control, beyond any one person, though we can reduce our offerings, we can recognize when it threatens to swallow us whole, we can measure and acknowledge proximity individually, but it has been aerosolized and everyone living must breath.

anyways. the incest diary is a fascinating read and it speaks to feelings that live in me forever, so it too will probably make a home in my memory.

[shoeboxboy]

[shoeboxboy]

guy i saw in traffic today that i felt compelled to draw

[shoeboxboy]

sorrryyyy for jerking you off while you tell me you dont want this from me. i think its hot that i can make you cum regardless of what you say you want

[shoeboxboy]

Get off dating apps. The love of your life is in the saw bathroom.

[shoeboxboy]

psychological torture is always sexual

[shoeboxboy]

stalking can be a love language if ur romantic enough about it

[shoeboxboy]

ADAM MY BELOVED 💔😭

[shoeboxboy]

please just let me go

[shoeboxboy]

need him to hit me so hard I spit blood