ophelia-writes-poems

[ophelia-writes-poems]

There is a poem in this place Though it is no town Or building It is a room, a bed A person And in all of my days On this glorious Earth I have never felt so free

-Inspired by In This Place (An American Lyric) by Amanda Gorman

[ophelia-writes-poems]

I toss and turn Unable to get you Out of my head While you're not next to me

And I hate you for it And I hope you suffer

Just the way i do Feeling your bed is empty And missing me dearly

[ophelia-writes-poems]

My face has been warm for hours And my stomach hurts and i feel Sick, too sick to eat

And i can't focus my thoughts They wander back to you Despite my attempts to stop them

And despite all the dread that Settles in my chest I can tell what this is

Obsession scares me, but try as I might, I cannot escape it

[ophelia-writes-poems]

I know today will go well I know you'll say yes But that doesn't stop My tummy from hurting Nor my hands shaking Nor clear the fogginess In my head

[ophelia-writes-poems]

I have never found trust easily Often it surprises me when It finally comes upon me. it finds Me in quiet moments, when i No longer tilt my phone or Notepad away

I notice trust most when i want It to be there but it isn't When i yearn & i long but No amount of hope can make me Feel safer. hope causes me to Hesitate. hope gives the chance Of rejection, disappointment.

If my choice is having the Way i want or at all, then How am i ever meant to change?

[ophelia-writes-poems]

I am strong I am confident I am brave I am aggressive I am sure

So why are my hands shaking?

[ophelia-writes-poems]

The other day I told Sage That you can't "waste" love

Today I found out that you hate me And it made me change my mind Because after all the love i've given you Over the months that we knew each other And the love I retained for you After it all went wrong You still hate me

I did my best In the moment and after I tried to be a good person I tried to repent

You don't care I don't know why i expected you would You're a vengeful person And you've given up on me

Just yesterday I wrote you a poem How I hoped you were well And loved

And today Today I find that you hate me And tomorrow i will find the comedy in it

[ophelia-writes-poems]

I have lost many friends Over my all-be-it short life And I am a sentimental fool So I say goodbye

Goodbye to _____ My first partner I hope he treats you well Better than you treated me And I hope you treat him better in turn You have hurt me As children do But I forgive you May you get out of this town Away from your parents Away from the memories May you heal And may you be better than you were

Goodbye to _____ My first crush We had our ups and downs But I never hated you You're a good person And you try to do the right thing Though you mess up sometimes Just like everyone else I wish I had gotten to know you better And I hope you get into a good school, Get your degree I can't wait to brag About how I was your friend Once upon a time

Goodbye to _____ My first love I'm sorry for the things I did to you And I'm sorry for the things you did to me I wish it had ended better I wish you had loved me G-d will it you make it to Belguim Or Germany, or Sweden Or wherever it is you want to go I hope you're happy I wish I hated you It would be so much easier But I cannot love in halves And I do not come to hate easily Though you do You think me a monster And maybe I was a monster Maybe I was horrible and awful And everything you said I was I cannot remember I hope your little family sticks together I hope the tides of life never tear you apart That you should never know the pain of losing them And G-d, please I hope that I never write you another poem

Goodbye to _____ Someone who was never really a friend But could have been I wanted to lean on you But you could never hold my weight I wanted you to lean on me But you never did I hope you find joy In your new friends They seem good to you I hope they are I hope your life becomes what you want it to be Though I can't begin to guess what that is I mourn what could have been But never will

[ophelia-writes-poems]

I went through my photos today You were in a lot of them Nearly 50 I deleted most of them

I still have some, of course We shared a lot of friends And some pictures I want to keep It was my prom too

I don't know if it was petty And i really don't care But I cropped you out of the pictures Where you were on the edge

You still exist there But you were a large part of my life I can't just forget that I can't smooth the fingerprints left on my heart

I went through my notes app today I wrote so many poems for you Some of them beautiful I had so much hope

Most of it was about you In a kind of pathetic way The kind of stuff that seems unassuming But ripped my heart out

"Forget me nots, baby breath" "Womens: Large, Mens: Medium, Pants: Large" "July 6" Things that mean nothing to anyone else

It hurts How much i loved you And how little it mattered Does it hurt you?

No, i don't care It doesn't matter How this affects you is irrelevant You've made that quite clear to me

I will scrub you from my life Try to remove your fingerprints from my soul And I hope that the next time i go through my notes app Reminders of you will not hurt.

[ophelia-writes-poems]

I have gone the entirety of july without speaking to you And yet it feels like just yesterday we were laughing And joking and having a grand old time

How could it have been this long? How could i have not noticed How you've impacted me?

[ophelia-writes-poems]

The Legendary Bandit King, Youko Kurama.

[ophelia-writes-poems]

just absolutely dumped all the poems about that one guy in the queue. i'm gonna go back thru and add the tag 'buckle arc' to them all + the ones i had posted before. i'm also going to try and put more tags down in gen because this shit is so not organized.

[ophelia-writes-poems]

I try so hard to remind myself To offer myself forgiveness To remember that I am young To remember that I'm still learning to live But how can I forgive myself When I am left unforgiven By those I've hurt?

I deserve the hatred And the anger And the resentment I deserve it So how can i forgive myself When your forgiveness is what I need?

[ophelia-writes-poems]

Some days i wish i ruled my heart I wish i could hold it in my hands Inspect it Understand it I do not hold that privilege But if I did I would scoop some people out Like the seeds in a pepper I would throw them in the trash Because they've surely done the same And I would rearrange people If i could chose who i loved I think i might choose you

Yes i think i might choose you I would reshape that part of my heart Remove the splinters that others have left Mold it so that You could slot yourself right into it

I think i could fall in love with you Given the chance We are very similar In the most important ways

You're very beautiful The fact that you can't see it is beyond me Your hair is a beautiful brown That compliments your skin well Your face is well proportioned Much more than any of those beauty gurus could understand Your eyes are just the right size Their blue color more dazzling than anything Even the night sky Your smile is so real So soft and sweet and caring

I see everything i want to be in you I see your kindness and your gentleness I see your unwavering strength Even and especially in the face of what you want most You always have the right words to say You always know what I need to hear most I don't give you enough appreciation for it

I think you would be able to tolerate me I think you could see the ugliest parts of me And find beauty I think that you would take my anxieties in stride You overthink the same way i do You could calm me and I you In a way that only we could understand I think you could love the way i do With words and actions Observations turned poetry I think you could accept all of my love Even when i'm overflowing with it Even when I have so much it hurts I think you would accept it with grace And perhaps even joy

What if I tried? To fall in love with you? What would happen? My track record isn't good But neither is yours I suppose it doesn't matter All of my delusions and daydreams For much in the same way i cannot mold my hear I cannot mold yours And what if you find there is no space for me After I've carved out one for you?

It'll make good poetry The joy and the pain of it It'll make good poetry

[ophelia-writes-poems]

I cannot stand being misunderstood You think i was just afraid of speaking up You think I was just being a coward But in the moment it made sense Because there was precedent I cannot stand being misunderstood I gave you your present early Do you know why? Do you *think* you know why? I did it so that you could drop me If that's what you wanted I have no use for any of it I got it for *you* So I dropped it off When you were asleep and not home So that you wouldn't have to see me if you didn't want But i'm frustrated and afraid That you might think I dropped it off In a bid for forgiveness In that moment I knew you would never forgive me entirely I am horribly afraid of being misunderstood Maybe i should explain myself better

[ophelia-writes-poems]

I saw a post with bugs A little rolly polly I thought of you instantly But you don't want to hear from me

I want to send it to you 3 days ago i would've But things have changed I've changed them

I wish I could explain myself I wish i could lay it all out Walk you through my mental state And my thought patterns

But you need space And distance And to push you more Would drive you further away

I could blame it all on Sage I wouldn't even be wrong to If you really look at it It is their fault

It is his fault But i'm not angry I hold some fault too I still did it

I am a coward I said i was unsure But it told me it would all work out And I believed them

I wish I hadn't done that I wish I had been an adult I wish I wasn't so afraid Of rejection

It's funny, isn't it? How we got here I was so scared a being pushed away I made you hate me

I was so worried that you would never love me Near as much as I loved you And lookie here Now you hate me

And I deserve it I deserve it all I should've just talked through it I want to go back

But I can't I pray to G-d for forgiveness Knowing damn well he cannot give it I have done nothing to him

And yet what else I can do? I sit and cry And I pray And I walk

I try to shut the thoughts away But my overactive brain Cannot focus on anything else Even If i wanted it to

I can't eat I can't sleep I can hardly breathe My guilt is overwhelming

That's just all isn't it? Guilt? How can such a small word Hold such a strong emotion

You say you cannot feel regret I am not like you I regret everything all the time Even the day I was born

Yes I regret deeply I feel nothing but guilt My emotions are overwhelming I just want them to stop

But they can't And they won't Until either I no longer care for you Or you decide I can be forgiven

Can I be forgiven? Do I deserve it? Of course not I always want things I cannot have

And yet I pray I pray so much G-d must be annoyed But what else am I to do? Where else can I seek comfort

I believe he blessed me today He gave me a chance for labor And so despite how difficult it was I found joy

No, not joy I found relief In the company of weeds And strangers

I wish they would meet again Tomorrow or the day after But It'll be two weeks Before I can meet them again

I will mow the lawn today Or maybe tomorrow And I hope that my mind will not wonder It's way over to you

Who am I kidding? Myself? The dear reader? My mind cannot go anywhere else No matter how I beg

And yet I hope I don't even realize usually That i'm thinking of you at all It's so natural

My understanding of tone is limited I have my brain to blame for that But the tone I find in your words Is hateful and mean

And I deserve that I've hurt you terribly I wish your words weren't for me I wish I was an observer

Please G-d let them forgive me Let me learn and grow and thrive Please don't let them become a lesson Give me a second chance

Let this become a funny story That we tell to new friends Let it be silly lore That we can choose to drop

G-d give them understanding Give them kindness And direct them to give it to me Even though I didn't deserve this

I have no moral authority But if i were them this would be a test Could I maintain my beliefs? Could I practice what I preach?

I believe I could I can't tell how bad this infraction is I have no sense of scale Is this denial?

But it doesn't seem that bad really I've forgiven people for worse And so haven't you? But maybe we all deserve better

If this had happened to __ How would I feel? Objectivity I believe Will prove helpful here

Take myself out of it Place someone else in my shoes Is this crime forgivable? Even in my own mind?

I cannot switch our roles I cannot run a simulation Where this situation occurs If I do

If I were __ in that situation My words would've been kinder My experience shines through here What can I possibly do?

Okay new situation _____ is telling me about This situation her friend is in What do I think?

Her friend was feeling uncared for And one of her friends got real dramatic with it He left the groupchat with no warning And everyone dropped everything

_____'s friend watched her friends Skert their hangout to a complete hault To comfort their friend During his moment of need

______'s friend was feeling uncared for Her brain was being mean to her She cannot ask for reassurance Because she'll be sure it's fake

So she has an idea "What if i go crazy And leave the groupchat?" She thinks

She talks herself out of it She should communicate her feelings But her dearest brother Convinced her otherwise

She knew she was in a bad mental state So she defaulted to him And he said it would work out So it must be true

And she took his advice And defaulted to his judgement All the way through To the other side

She realized half way through she fucked up She apologized the same night Her friends were red hot angry And did not respond

One eventually did Saying they all need space That she needed to be gentle with herself But his tone was mean

That sounds forgivable I think Right? Am I deluding myself? I sure hope not

I am going to choose to believe That they're only so angry Because they're filtering all this through The lens of their traumas

Anybody else Wouldn't be so upset But other people Haven't been abused

I can be forgiven And If I'm not i'm sure I'll be okay I have people who care about me Other than them

G-d thank you for poetry Thank you for the gift of words Thank you for reasoning And thank you for understanding

[ophelia-writes-poems]

Why is it only over dramatic when i do it? Why is it only too far when it's me This is why i didn't want to do this I've rocked the boat and lived to regret it I hate it here I hate it here I know i should've talked about my emotions like a big boy I know i should be better But what if i can't What if i'm not strong enough today Why was _____ met with instant support and validation Why am I met with hate and misunderstanding Why am i always on the outskirts I can't talk about it It hurts too much Am I wrong for that? Am I a monster for having limits? "I don't do care tests" But don't you? Didn't you? You do not love the way I do That much is clear It seems this distance is uncrossable It doesn't matter i'll spend this summer alone again And I'll completely restart in the fall Just like I always have And I'll struggle And I'll improve Hopefully

But man do I want you to forgive me