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Why did I think I was fat. Two years later and an additional twenty pounds sitting on my hips and stomach, I’m looking back at these pictures of me at my physical and emotional worst, thousands of miles from home, so riddled with anxiety I couldn’t eat, could barely swallow, and what I remember so clearly is lying in bed and thinking, “Well at least I’ll lose some weight.” And why, two years, twenty pounds later, do I find myself looking at those photos and thinking, despite knowing how bad it felt, “I wish I still looked like that.” Why do I look at my body, my perfectly normal body, my body that is normal even with an extra twenty pounds, tell myself, “I want to be healthier,” but then immediately look to myself at my unhealthiest? Long for a self that was smaller and not so soft but physically and mentally an absolute ruin? I want to be better I want to do better I want to be healthy in all aspects and that means I can never go back to that body. I shouldn’t want to go back to that body. If the choice is between that body and an extra twenty pounds I should know which one to choose.
#i'm sorry that this is what i post after such a long absence#i'm just having a hard time#no one's fault#not my fault either#just what happens when you can see your body changing and it scares you because it's different#personal#weight
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Janet, my digital queen. Janet, we can dare to dream.
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i love it when youre drinking citrus drinks and you cant feel your tongue and your entire face starts sweating its so cleansing
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Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.
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#remember that time i did an academic presentation about the denny's twitter account#my greatest achievement to date tbh#personal
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Sorry for not being around in a long while but i got a job? working for a very large multinational education publishing company? where i mostly just print stuff and edit spreadsheets yet it is exhausting? and i make less than a living wage in the area i live in? but i’m not actually complaining though because i feel like i’m learning a lot it’s almost like i’m a real grown up
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just got a call from a company saying they’re putting together an offer for me and i should be happy bc job but also i am v overwhelmed because that means i have to join the r e a l w o r l d and am i ready for that who knows
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Had the job interview and now I’m anxious because I think I don’t want the job but now I’m worried I’m in too deep?
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i have a job interview about being an editorial production assistant in two days and i am very nervous i have no idea what i’m doing yikes
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all your girl wants is to be gainfully employed but not miserable is that too much to ask
#i've applied to like 6 jobs in the last two days#and they're editing related which is good but also science related which is bad#like all the jobs i really want are in la and ny but i don't want to move rn?#idk i'm a stressed millennial welcome to the real world#personal
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it is so hot here and my last final ever is due at midnight and i have written just 4 of 9 pages and already submitted two other half-assed finals today please can it be tomorrow can i just be graduated already
#personal#it's actually not a bad essay imo but it's just so fucking long will i make the deadline we just don't know#and here i am blogging about it instead of actually writing it what's wrong with me
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i spent the weekend with my sisters and it was so fun but everyone left and now i am all alone with the dog and i am a lil drunk so i am v sad!!!
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I have to admit, Chris Hemsworth singing with his family, turns my heart into goo.❤️ +
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so many good things have happened to me this week i feel like i’m being rewarded for a year’s worth of suffering in one go
#i got a's on two papers#and won the second place prize for an undergrad writing competition#which also means i won money i'm not sure if it's $250 or $500#and i just took an online survey in exchange for a $5 gift card#and my skin has been relatively clear the last few days#like this shit is wild what is going on right now#like don't ask me what i'm doing in three weeks when i graduate let's just focus on this nice buzz i've got going on now#personal
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& if ya don’t know, now ya know
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