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Manifesto of the Deep

As I read through my post on Tumblr, I find that I find the deepest feeling in every situation. I do believe this comes from some of my background. I have been through many things that were so very emotional for me to endure. Most of this is listed and described in detail in my very first post, "Just a Journey". Like "somehow I landed myself in the middle of a horribly abusive relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic." To "Being on dialysis for 5 years and then having a double organ transplant that didn't go as planned", the loss of my mother!

Probably two of the post that describes me the most in personality were my post about the piece of art that we had to choose to depict ourselves the most, and I chose the picture of thousands of forward-facing sunflowers with one single stand-alone sunflower that is turned the other way. In the paragraph where I wrote, "I often find myself being the backward-facing sunflower, that's off to the side. I don't need to follow others or be the center of attention in a crowd. I am perfectly happy finding my own happiness doing my own thing, slowing down, and looking at the beauty in life on all sides, not just what's in front of me and what everyone else is looking at.", this describes my heart and soul to a T!

The second post where my heart-felt personality shines through is the Musical-Themed playlist that we had to create. This post shows the heartache that lives deep within and never escapes me. I wrote this playlist shortly after my mother's 7th year of passing. I think the statement, "Each year we choose to celebrate her life and not focus on her death." shows how I choose to take things on and process them. I deal with grief, but then choose to find beauty in every situation. No matter, how hard or horrific. We must look for that silver lining, no matter how thin it might be. I even close my first paragraph with, "My themed playlist is based around losing someone you love dearly. Whether it be a human or a pet, we all can relate to the heartache that comes with saying that final goodbye, or that until we meet again." At the time of posting this blog I didn't realize how much this describes me, but after this manifesto assignment and going back and reading through all my posts, it truly stands out as a statement.

I have thoroughly enjoyed these blogs, although, I will admit some more than others. But, this assignment is by far my favorite. The reflection is eye-opening, to say the least, and the walk, although brief, back through the semester was enjoyable. The linking of puzzle pieces, if you will, was very interesting.

It has been a pleasure to be in this class. I have also enjoyed making meaningful blogs versus random meaningless posts, and I do believe I will continue on this journey.

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Tragedy Scripted and Staged

Hamlet is my favorite Shakespeare play, like so many others. Hamlet covers it all, drama, romance, suspense, and murder.

Hamlet is a tragedy written by Shakespeare at the turn of the 16th century. The play’s story, which can be traced back to a 12th-century Latin text, is about a Danish prince named Hamlet who seeks to avenge his father’s murder at the hands of his uncle, Claudius.

Hamlet soon finds out through his father's ghost that Claudius poisoned him by putting poison in his ear. Hamlet sneaks up on Claudius to kill him, by stabbing him in his back but stops because he knows that if he kills him in such a fashion, he is assured to go to Heaven.

Hamlet to revenge for his death, a “foul and most unnatural murder”. Hamlet is appalled at the revelation that his father has been murdered, and the ghost tells him that as he slept in his garden, a villain poured poison into his ear—the very villain who now wears his crown, Claudius. Hamlet’s worst fears about his uncle are confirmed. “O my prophetic soul!” he cries. The ghost exhorts Hamlet to seek revenge, telling him that Claudius has corrupted Denmark and corrupted Gertrude, having taken her from the pure love of her first marriage and seduced her in the foul lust of their incestuous union. But the ghost urges Hamlet not to act against his mother in any way, telling him to “leave her to heaven” and to the pangs of her own conscience.

This is an amazing video that I found on YouTube that plays the scene out and explains how Claudius is killed and how Hamilet gets his revenge. Worth the watch.

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Anatomy of a Scene

I chose to watch The Piano from list A (Dramas) and the Black Klansman from list B (Comedies). I watched the trailers for each and every movie listed, but these two films interested me the most.

The Piano is a film written and directed by Jane Campion in 1993. This drama starred Holly Hunter, Harvey Keitel, Sam Neill, and Anna Paquin.  The film focuses on a mute Scottish woman who travels to a remote part of New Zealand with her young daughter after her arranged marriage to a frontiersman.

It is a story of shyness, repression, and loneliness; of a woman who will not speak, a man who cannot listen, and a willful little girl who causes mischief and pretends she didn't mean to.

At the end of the 1993 movie, Holly Hunter's mute character Ada McGrath throws herself into the sea tied to her beloved piano. But rather than allow herself to drown, she fights back to the surface and goes on to have a settled life with her daughter, Flora, and lover Baines, played by Harvey Keitel.

The Black Klansman, originally released in 1966 under the name Crossed the Color Line, is a low-budget feature film directed by Ted V. Mikels and starring Richard Gilden, Rima Kutner, Harry Lovejoy, Max Julien, Jakie Deslonde, and James McEachin.

During the civil rights movement, an African-American man, Jerry Ellsworth (Richard Gilden, a white actor), is a Los Angeles jazz musician with a white girlfriend. Meanwhile, in an Alabama diner, a young black man attempts to exercise his civil rights by sitting at a local diner. When the Ku Klux Klan learn of this, they firebomb a church, killing Jerry's daughter. By way of revenge, Jerry moves to Alabama to infiltrate the group responsible for his daughter's death. Jerry dons his disguise and becomes a member of the inner circle, befriending the local leader and his daughter, and soon exacts his revenge.

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Ekphrasis

This poem suggests that beauty, like the beauty of the night sky, can make some people long for a spiritual experience that will relieve them of their pain, and that such longing for transcendence can also be a death wish, kind of like the saying goes...be careful of what you wish for. This poem of Van Gogh's "The Starry Night: is so beautiful it is almost overwhelming, and even seems very edgy and dangerous.

"That does not keep me from having a terrible need of - shall I say the word - religion. Then I go out at night to paint the stars. - Vincent Van Gogh in a letter to his brother The town does not exist except where one black-haired tree slips up like a drowned woman into the hot sky. The town is silent. The night boils with eleven stars. Oh, starry night! This is how I want to die. It moves. They are all alive. Even the moon bulges in its orange irons to push children, like a god, from its eye. The old unseen serpent swallows up the stars. Oh, starry starry night! This is how I want to die: into that rushing beast of the night, sucked up by that great dragon, to split from my life with no flag, no belly, no cry."

Anne Sexton

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Not Seen on TV

I chose the piece, Pipilotti Rist, Ever Is Over All this piece was very interesting to me. The first is two sets of pictures meshed together. On the left is a lady walking a dog and smiling on a beautiful bright sunny day. To the right looks like a scene of a roaring fire, it is very intense. The way the two pictures are put side by side with no border it looks as though the lady is walking away from a bad situation with all the matters to her...her dog. She is walking with confidence, intent, and a strong smile.

The second is two videos that are running simultaneously. The one is a video of a lady walking down a sidewalk, looking very ladylike with her pretty blue dress and ruby-like heels, and a pretty long stem sturdy flower. In the other video, it is a beautiful field of flowers that this lady is walking through, although it never shows her face, it does show the bottom of the blue dress and her ruby heels. It's like the artist is showing the lady coming from a field of flowers looking oh so ladylike and picking a flower to smash cars windows with.

I feel as though Rist is saying with both the image and the video, that women are very strong beings. We make walk through hell, and we may get poked by thorns, but make no mistake we are a force to be reckoned with. And we do it all looking beautiful and in heels!

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La Jetee is a 1962 movie that condenses an entire story into a short amount of time, something which would be far more difficult to do in a motion picture. La Jetee shows mortality through photography. He presumably lives his life only to find out that the moment that has marked his entire life is the memory of his own death. From a philosophical point of view. La Jetee is an existentialist tale of doomed existence, inevitability, and predetermined death. 

In the Godfather the Corleone family's goal is to reclaim their place of power and find a new "Godfather" to maintain this status. If the Corleone family fails to reclaim their power they will be forced to become one of the secondary families in the New York crime scene, which is absolutely unacceptable to them. Something that stood out as very powerful to me was how the choreography of power was expressed by the gestures, such as when Enzo bends down to light his cigarette, but Michael does not move his hands toward him. 

Both films are powerful in their own way, with many differences and similarities. I enjoyed both and both had a certain eerie suspense about them. I felt like neither film, though one was full of photography and the other full of action was both intense in its own way. I felt power through the screen with both La Jetee and The Godfather. 

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Photographer's Eye

We were on a short vacation in a cabin on a lake and we were out fishing and I was just taking pictures of some of the landscape around us. Us being my husband and me. While snapping pretty pictures with my phone, I started to notice that the trees took on a personality of their own. So even though the trees in some of these pictures aren't the front and center of attention, they still are worth noticing in the background.

I loved this little tree, the picture came out more blurry than I would have liked, but, I still love this picture. This tree looks so small, but the water is approximately 6 feet deep here, so this tree is setting an additional six feet under the water. What I like about this tree is to it says, even when the waters are rough and you're standing alone...still stand strong and stand tall!

These two trees stood by themselves out in the middle of the lake. I giggled and snapped a shot of them and sent it to my best friend and said, "look, it's us...you're tall and I'm short, and even when we have no one else, we ALWAYS have each other!" These two trees are best friends in the middle of nowhere and the water is so choppy, but they seem to be supporting each other and almost look as though they are having a very enjoyable time doing it.

I just thought this was a beautiful landscape picture of how some trees stood alone and others seemed to almost hug each other for support. The mixture of personalities made the picture so peaceful and serene.

This was the boat ramp, where we launched the boat, this is actually where I began to notice the personality that the different trees took on. Some by themselves, some in groups. Reminded me of the world and how some people prefer to be alone, while others prefer small groups of company and then others prefer crowds.

I snapped a picture of my hubby doing what he loves most...fishing. After getting home and downloading my pictures onto my computer, I looked at this picture several times, because I did not plan on using any pictures with a person in it, I was only going to use the ones that pertained to trees, and where the trees were the main focus of the photograph. But, the more I looked at this picture the more I liked it. I love that the trees are all around us, as though they are happy to have us and inviting us to sit and enjoy the surrounding of peace and tranquility with them. As though to say, come be apart of our world and breathe in all the beauty around you! Just remember to leave it how you found it!

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My Musical Theme

It was recently my mother's 7th year of not being here with me. Each year we choose to celebrate her life and not focus on her death. My themed playlist is based around losing someone you love dearly. Whether it be a human or a pet, we all can relate to the heartache that comes with saying that final goodbye, or that until we meet again.

Here is the list of my six songs to always remind us of our loved ones who have passed.

Eric Clapton...Tears In Heaven...Genre: Soft Rock This song has such deep personal meaning for Clapton. He wrote it for his 4-year-old son who accidentally slipped from a balcony and died. The words are so powerful, especially the chorus of: "I must be strong, And carry on, 'Cause I know I don't belong, Here in heaven" This course is so very true, it means that you must be strong and carry on with living because it's not your time to be in Heaven yet. There is an amazing article that I found that includes a YouTube video of the song. You can read all about the history and meaning of this song at: https://www.thisisdig.com/feature/tears-in-heaven-eric-clapton-song-story/

2. Sarah Mclachlan...Angel...Genre: Indie The lyrics are about the death of Jonathan Melvoin (1961–1996), the Smashing Pumpkins' touring keyboard player, from a heroin overdose, as McLachlan explained on VH1 Storytellers. It is sometimes mistitled as "In the Arms of an Angel" or "Arms of the Angel". Even though Mclachlan wrote this song about heroin overdose, the lyrics remind me of losing a battle to cancer. My mother passed due to stage four colon cancer that metastasized to her liver. It's so ironic that she loved this song and in the movie City of Angels, this song was played and became a theme song for this movie. Everything about this song brings tears to my eyes when I hear it. The words, the tone, the sound of pain in her voice and the music, how my mother loved it...everything! If you listen to this song and it doesn't bring tears to your eyes, read a few of the comments, those certainly will. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozKsQnRHb-c

3. Coldplay...Fix You...Genre: Rock/Alternative Rock This song deals with true love, helping someone in your time of need, and learning from your mistakes. According to Gwyneth Paltrow, she was the one Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin was trying to help fix.“Ignite your bones” is a line that has controversy. But it's as harmless as the rest of the song. This line means that the support you receive from those people around you will restore your energy and give some life to your fading soul. It simply means they are able to re-ignite themselves to their former glory. The entire song describes me to a T, but, ESPECIALLY this line! I tried with every ounce of my existence to "Ignite your bones" to "Fix You" and I pray that she, my mother, knows that. I could listen to this song a million times over, and every single time I would cry, and I do cry every single time! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsBNDryJYSs

4. Tears of a Silent Heart...Michael Ortega...Genre: New Age Tears Of A Silent Heart is a melancholic, Sad piano song composed by Michael Ortega. There are no words needed in this song, the piano does all the "talking" it is so heartfelt the sadness rings through with every single key that is slowly pressed by the composer. I can close my eyes and feel the emotion of deep loss in this song. As tears stream down my face, the raw emotion of the piano speaks to my broken soul. This is a must-listen-to piece of pure instrumental bliss. Just have the tissues near. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PebHWpYYW4E

5. You Should be Here...Cole Swindell...Genre: Country Cole wrote this song to his dear father who passed away suddenly at 65 on September 2, 2013. This song says it all when you've lost a parent. Every time something happens, you think, You should be here! I'm getting married in February 2023 on my mother's birthday, and even though it will be a special day in so many ways, I'll be replaying the lyrics to this song over and over, in my head that day! The two verses in this song that hit the hardest for me are, "You'd be loving this, you'd be freaking out, you'd be smiling, yeah I know you'd be all about what's going on right here right now God I wish somehow you could be here" and "Yeah this is one of those moments that's got your name written all over it And you know that if I have just one wish it'd be that you didn't have to miss this Aw you should be here You should be here" This song is probably still the hardest song for me to listen to. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8WlCqZPTeg

6. One Sweet Day...Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men...Genre: R&B/Soul "One Sweet Day" was created after the January 1995 death of David Cole, Carey's longtime collaborator, from AIDS complications. Co-written and co-produced by Walter Afanasieff, the song was intended to comfort those impacted by the AIDS crisis and to mourn the dead. This song is bittersweet for me. It says "Never had I imagined living without your smile" and it's so true, I never imagined losing my mother at such an early age, and losing her was and still is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. But, the fact that I know she is shining down on me from Heaven and I will see her again and be able to hug her and embrace everything I miss about her, keeps me going, gives me strength, and keeps me doing the things that I know are making her proud. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXxRyNvTPr8

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Plotting

Before Hurricane Ian I looked at this assignment lost, not having a clue what to write about. Almost two weeks post Hurricane Ian and I have, what seems like a million things I could write about.

It seems as though an endless number of changes have been made due to unforeseen circumstances, and have led to a new situation.

We must remember the serenity prayer in times like this:

Before Ian, we had three…yes, THREE parrots in our bedroom. We have two umbrella cockatoos, a female named Kiki and a male named Vito, then we have a teal fronted amazon named Coco. We have always kept them in our bedroom because they seemed most comfortable there. However, once we knew that we were going to take a direct hit from Hurricane Ian, my husband and I decided to move them to the garage so that they would be more protected physically, mentally, and emotionally. Birds stress very easily and stress can kill them. So we thought maybe if they could hear a little less of the storm it would keep them a little calmer. Plus, if my family and I had to take cover it would be in our garage and that way the birds would already be in there and safe and we wouldn’t have to try and hurry up and move them in an emergency.

After Ian, we, like so many others had no power. It was stuffy in the house so we decided to leave the birds in the garage so they could have a little more ventilation. Well, they love it! And, so do we! So we are renovating the garage to be a bird bedroom. We are adding a widow, and small mini split AC unit, and even a utility sink for a bird shower and cage cleaning station.

So even though so many bad changes happened due to this storm....a few good things happened as well.

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Poetic License

Wildlife Management II

I woke from a bird hitting the window, almost, I thought, hard enough to break it. The sun rose knowingly. I slid the sash up and stuck my head out like someone in an Italian movie. A flicker lay on its back—stunned—but it was blinking steady as a railroad crossing. Was there misery to put out? Would it come to its 'senses'? I thought where were you when bark beetles killed half my trees? Then I remembered, sleepily, reading that flickers mostly eat ants. I went back to sleep for half an hour, and dreamed, as I often do, of horses. When next I looked, the bird still lay still, still blinking. Maybe, I thought, it can't roll over. So I went down and rolled it over. Terrified by my touch, it came to life and flop- hopped down the hill into some sagebrush. It didn't fly, but it didn't seem broken, either. I tried to find it later. No luck. Whether it lived and flew off, or died thrust into a bush, was, apparently, none of my business. If it were thrust into a bush, I knew the ants wouldn't wait for the guest of honor to start dinner.

James Galvin

This poem tells a story about the author, James Galvin waking one morning to the sound of a Flicker, a medium-sized bird related to the Woodpecker, flying into his window hard enough to almost break the window.

He pushes a sash curtain, a very lightweight see-through material, back enough to stick his head out of the window to check on the bird. He notices the little Flicker lying on the ground dazed and blinking its eyes quickly but with a steady even motion. He thinks to himself, is the bird in misery to the point where he should end its life to stop its suffering, or would the Flicker recover and be fine in due time?

He questions this little bird as to its whereabouts when the bark beetles came and killed half his trees. Then while half asleep he remembers reading that Flickers mainly eat ants.

He then lays back down and sleeps for another half hour and dreams of horses, like he does so often. When he awoke from his nap, he looked out to check on the little bird once again and it still lay on its back stunned and blinking. He thought that maybe the Flicker could not turn over on its own and so he turned the bird over to assist it in its recovery.

The little bird seemed to snap out of its stunned state at the terrifying touch of his hand. The Flicker jumped and hopped its way into some sagebrush down the hill. The bird did not fly, however, did not seem to have great injuries either.

He went back out later that day to check on the little Flicker, but it was nowhere to be found.

He states that whether the bird healed and flew away or went into the brush to die was not for him to be concerned with because nature did not want him to know.

He ends the poem with a bit of humor and states that if the bird did in fact die, the ants would not wait for the guest of honor before they started dinner. Meaning the ants would begin devouring the bird in no time at all.

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Architectural Interiors

The interior of the house that I will be discussing is the one I called my home. We just built our new home, it finished this year and we closed and moved in on April 15th, of this year. The interior of the house is a split floor plan there are two bedrooms on the right side of the house and the master on the left. My home office kind of sits in the middle, off the living room. All the doorways and entryways are very square. The vaulted ceilings are 18 feet at the peak. The walls in the main body of the house are a deep crimson red with white trim and ceilings.

The division of our home is very functional. It gives our early adulthood children their privacy, and me and my husband ours. The way my office sits gives me a quiet and comfortable place to get my homework done and also be able to work from home. With the warm colors and huge wrap-around couch that is covered in pillows and throw blankets, it offers our guests a come in and hang out for a while feel.

Since the house is brand new it really doesn't need any improvements and is definitely not run down. BUT, as with any house new or old, there are endless projects to be started and finished...it's all a part of being a homeowner.

I feel like this house is a perfect combination of unremarkable with a beautiful side of uniqueness.

My favorite little getaway within this haven is my office. It sits off the living room but the door sits at an angle so even though it's a part of the home, it sits off to the side, like it's also doing its own thing...kinda like me.

My cozy little getaway is a warm peach and chocolate brown color. I have a big screen TV so that I can watch what I want to when no one else is interested in watching what I want to watch. I have an oversized desk so that both my large screen monitors and my laptop can all fit on it.

Even though this is where I work it is also where I go to have my own little peace of mind and relax. It's very cozy and extremely functional in many ways.

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I went to Centennial Park that’s located in Downtown Fort Myers and took this picture of this bright red abstract sculpture in the center of the park. It gives the feel of a full round sculpture to me, because you can see into the sculpture from any angle you stand. The size of 25h x 20w x 23d feet. This rather large sculpture is made by an architect and also a sculptor named David Black. And it is purchased in the year of 2012 by the City of Fort Myers in the Public Art Program. David Black made this artwork with Polyurethane Coated Aluminum. Black named his artwork the “Fire Dance”. This bright red free flowing sculpture gives the feel of a dancing flame, and yet it also draws you in with it’s intense color, warm feel, and beauty. While enjoying the sculpture myself, there were many passerby’s that stopped to enjoy and chat about the color and large size of this amazing piece. David Black describes his piece of art as a protoarchitecture, he describes it as this because his artwork is a work that is combined with both architectural and sculptural components. Black states that this piece of art evokes the energetic rhythm and vitality of Centennial Park, which enlightens and excites those visiting Centennial Park and looking at the Sculpture.

When I first arrived at Centennial Park and it was raining, I was disappointed, however, after taking a few pictures, I feel like the dim sky and the dampened concrete surrounding this amazing sculpture actually adds character and really makes it stand out.

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Sensa Analysis

This untitled painting by Jackson Pollock is very interesting, to say the least. There does not seem to be a single straight line in the entire painting. The lines range from large and thick to thin and jagged. There isn't a background to this painting. Seems like simplicity was the background for this artist. The black and red definitely rule the painting. Even though this painting is very simple, it still fills the canvas with so much personality. Some of the pooled spots and jagged lines almost seem angry, then other thin lines are so light and whimsical, almost like watching a dance. On the right side of the painting, there's almost a circle-like motion with a "stand" like pattern, making me smile and reminding me of a Ferris wheel. There's even a red flag-like swipe at the top right of the circle giving the painting an even more happy feel to it. Normally with a red and black painting, I would automatically think negatively, but this painting has given me a different perspective, that's for sure. And even though the left side of the painting is a little more aggressive and chaotic, it still works perfectly with this piece of art. I feel like anytime you go to a fair or an amusement park there is always chaos, a little aggravation, and a small amount of anger, but always...a lot of fun!

So in the end, I believe this painting represents many emotions. It tells a story of pain, hidden emotions, joy, and sadness, all mixed into one. And in our adventure through life, this is exactly how our emotional rollercoaster plays out.

I am not usually a fan of abstract art but the more I look at this piece, the more I find in it, the more I can relate to it, and the more I actually looking at it.

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In this field of thousands of forward-facing sunflowers, there is one that is not following the rest of the flowers, it's doing its own thing. It's turned around taking the time to appreciate what all the other sunflowers are missing. This sunflower is not front and center of attention, it's perfectly happy off to the side and standing proud while enjoying life by its terms and definition of happiness and appreciation of enjoying its surroundings.

I love that only one sunflower in this picture is facing the opposite way from all the others. The fact that it is facing a beautiful sky behind it says to me, that it is ok to not be like all the others. It's ok to stop and turn around to enjoy what everyone else is too busy to notice. Sometimes we strive too hard to be like all the others when really you can find more enjoyment in doing what makes you happy. It's ok to not blend in, because not blending in is what makes you stand out.

I often find myself being the backward-facing sunflower, that's off to the side. I don't need to follow others or be the center of attention in a crowd. I am perfectly happy finding my own happiness doing my own thing, slowing down, and looking at the beauty in life on all sides, not just what's in front of me and what everyone else is looking at.

This amazing piece of art screams...it is perfectly ok to just do what makes you happy. Sometimes doing the opposite of the crowd will bring you the most happiness! There is nothing wrong with facing a different direction from the crowd, you're just as beautiful as they are, if not more so because you're being true to yourself and your happiness. Finding your happiness is a beautiful thing and so freeing to the soul!! And ALWAYS REMEMBER....the sun will always shine on your face, no matter which way you decide to face!

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Just a Journey

A little about me...hmm where do I start??

I have been doing this school thing for a while, off and on. I started off going to pharmacy school back in....well, let's just say a long time ago. Unfortunately, due to being a type one diabetic, I went blind in both eyes, which put a stop to that. It took a little over two years and MANY procedures to save about 80% of my vision in my right eye, I am totally blind in the left.

Then, somehow I landed myself in the middle of a horrible abusive relationship with a narcissistic alcoholic. Which meant putting school on hold once again!

Fast forward to 2018, after being on dialysis for over 5 years, on July 1st I received my double organ transplant (kidney/pancreas), it didn't quite go as planned, and I ended up spending 6 weeks in Tampa General Hospital in the CCU. VERY LONG STORY short. The kidney is doing great, but the pancreas had to be removed.

Needless to say, it took a long time to heal. I was taking classes for nursing while on dialysis prior to transplant and all I had left were clinicals, so I planned on going back to finish those in August of 2020...but, guess what?? YEP!! You guessed it, COVID!! Transplant advised that it would not be in my best medical/health interest to continue with clinicals at that time. They suggested that I look into the Health Information Technology program, I had never heard of it, but when I called FSW and inquired....I LOVED IT!! If you have no idea what the HIT/HIM program is, it basically teaches someone to be a "paper nurse".

I am currently in my second year of the program and absolutely love it! And what I love even more is the fact that I FINALLY have my life and health back and I am on my way to being the best me that I can be!!