showmethekey

[showmethekey]

a fresh start

The bald man's pen stopped scratching on the market for a brief moment. He looked up at Jessica, pushing his tiny glasses up his nose gracefully as he did so.

"Excuse me?"

"What?"

"Could you repeat that last part please, Jessica?" the bald man asked politely.

"Oh!" said Jessica, by this point almost shaking with nerves. Or enthusiasm. Probably both.

"In your own time."  

"Of course", Jessica was smiling now, "The part about the cinnamon plants - "

"The part about eliminating stealth mode entirely," the bald man replied tersely, his smile now wavering and threatening to slide off his face entirely.

"Ah. Yes. Well, you see, I think that the main problem with our last world - "

"Our last world?"

"Sorry, your last world - "

"You've only just started, Jessica, I would refrain from increasing your confidence to levels that you cannot back up with proof."

Jessica's words caught in her throat, and she fell silent, frowning slightly at the man across the table.

"I'm excited to be working for you."

"As you should be."

The bald man held her gaze for a few more uncomfortable seconds, before continuing with his notes, his fountain pen beginning to scratch horribly on the paper.

Jessica clenched her clammy fists together and drew breath.

"Right," she said, "Right."

Jessica's plan was simple, as far as she was concerned. Her new universe, her first universe, in fact, would not make the same mistakes as the last one. She was determined to start on the right foot, and she planned to do that by being as radical and as trailblazing as physically possible. It was difficult, she realised, to make any kind of immediate difference when her supervisor appeared to be someone who had done the same thing every day for several millennia. He had already given her less-than-conservative outfit a glance, pursing his lips and making another vicious little note on his clipboard. It would not do well for their potential relationship together as employees to start her first ever Creation Pitch with any sense of nervousness or uncertainty.

She took another deep breath to settle her thumping chest, and began again.

"If you don't mind me saying, Professor...."

"Professor Cloudy."

"Really?"

"Yes," Professor Cloudy snapped, "Professor Cloudy. Might we continue?"

"Of course. Sorry. My apologies. Sorry."

He rolled his eyes, but didn't interrupt.

"The problem is," Jessica continued, "Is that the last few universes created by this house have all had the same things in common."

"And what might that be?"

"Well, don't get me wrong, they all appeared to be as different as universes could be. That gravity thing in the last one was brilliant. It made so much more sense. But the one overarching thing in common is that you, or....was it you, in charge?"

She looked to Cloudy desperately.

"No," he said, shortly, "That was my uncle. Greatest creator in living memory, as far as I'm concerned. He was forced into retirement by his inferiors. But please, do go on with criticising my uncle's magnum opus, Jessica."

"I.....I'm not....." Jessica grasped desperately within her own brain, trying to grab onto something that didn't bely how negatively she felt about the previous universe, "I think it's time for a change."  

"A change."

"Yes."

"And you think, you, two days into your first season as a creator, that you are the right person to spearhead the incredibly risky, dangerous, and uncharted tactic of removing stealth mode?"

"Yes."

"And by removing stealth mode, you mean - "

Jessica rolled her eyes before she could stop herself. It was obvious what she meant by "removing stealth mode", but she could tell that Cloudy wanted her to talk herself out of her own ideas. She wasn't having any of it.

"Going full Garden of Eden and not letting up when the going gets tough."

"Are you implying that Henry - "

"Got away with murder?" Jessica retorted, on a roll now, "Yes. That was the last time anyone had any semblance of control or balance in one of their universes. And your uncle, Cloudy, actually referenced it in the last one. Referencing another universe! And it wasn't even a casual event, it was catastrophic. Biblical, I believe the term was."

Professor Cloudy laughed. Jessica raised her eyebrows. She expected him to respond, but Cloudy merely waved his long fingers in her direction, and went back to his notes.

"Right," Jessica began again, for what felt like the seventh time, "I suggest that we start again. Entirely again. Not a complete blank slate, of course. Let's keep what worked, let's not make things difficult for ourselves."

"What worked?"

"Gravity, for one. I watched clips of a few universes back - giraffes floating all over the place, it was chaotic."

"Go on," said Cloudy, smirking slightly now.

"Earth and sea seemed to be a pretty useful constant. Weather was a nice touch, bit of variety, gave the humans something to talk about. I quite liked the internet too, I like it when they connect with each other. I think it's lovely."

"That was my idea."

He looked up from his desk for a moment to see Jessica staring frankly back at him. She smiled, to her own surprise, and found that all of a sudden, she was lost for words.

"I just think that...." she exhaled impatiently, and flapped her hands, "You need to give me a moment to explain myself, Cloudy, or I won't do my own ideas justice."

"I understand. What is it, Jessica, that you just think?"

She flushed.

"I just think that we need to trust them more."

"The humans?" Cloudy said, raising his eyebrows.

"The humans. If we trust them, if we keep them in the loop, they might be inclined to trust us."

"Interesting. Continue."

"Well," Jess said, breathing more heavily now, "I think that the problem with the last universe, the whole religion thing. It was vague. Hazy. We existed and we didn't exist."

"You think that we should make things clear from the outset. Like Alan and Niamh."

Jessica blinked.

"Alan and Niamh?"

"Yes. Things got a little bit mixed up in translation."

"Right. Well. Exactly. We let them know from the beginning. But we don't....apologies, Professor, but the whole "I am the one true being" nonsense that Henry did ended up shooting us all in the foot."

"I see your point."

"I think if we....we reveal ourselves, but we keep ourselves humble. We are creators, but we are not perfect. And we are not all-knowing, if anything, we need the humans' help to succeed. They need to trust us."

"They need to have a little faith in us, ironically."

"Yes!" Jess exclaimed, her face lighting up.

Cloudy smiled indulgently at her, and allowed himself a moment to gaze out at the vast, twinkly blackness outside of his office window. The single ivy plant on the windowsill had started to congeal slightly. There was a lot to be said for water and direct sunlight. Artificial plant nutrients didn't quite seem to cut the mustard.

"Sir?"

The professor squeezed his eyes shut and whirled around to face Jessica.

"Jessica," he began, tentatively, "I......"

"Yes?"

"I am prepared to act as your supervisor for your first universe creation."

"Oh, thank you, sir, thank - "

"But", he said, harshly, raising his finger to cut Jessica off, mid-shriek, "I have one final question for you."

"Of course."

"Just to clarify that you aren't - "

"Getting ahead of myself?"

Cloudy found himself laughing once more at the girl and her eager expression, her cheeks glowing.

"You mentioned just now - the vagueness in our previous universe that you wanted to avoid."

"Yes."

"The fact that we both existed and didn't exist."

"Yes."

"So, tell me this, Jessica, why are you selecting the former to focus on?"

"Sir?"

"Why not just allow the humans to think that we don't exist?"

Jessica gaped at the professor for a moment, and then smiled.

"But we do. How could they believe that we don't?"

The forms were signed that evening with Professor Cloudy's looping fountain pen signature and Jessica's tiny schoolgirl squiggle. The usual deep blue wax sealed the paper before it was placed into the vault, which was placed into the cellar, of which the door was locked shut with an ancient key.

Pointless. But traditional. As was always the case here. Cloudy gave Jessica a hug, brief but warm, and informed her that he was delighted to be working with her. He suggested that she joined the other new initiates for a glass or two of champagne, and she disappeared down the corridor like a puff of smoke, her bright white trainers squeaking after her on the polished wooden floors.

He made his way to the viewing platform. The invitation stated that the world would end at 3pm, another pointless tradition, and Cloudy was a few seconds late.

His uncle was draped over the iron railings as he looked down into the abyss, where the fires had already started and the prayers had finished long ago.

"Uncle?"

The old man smiled at Cloudy.

"Hello mate. Come to catch my last one?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world."

"I went a bit loopy with this one, didn't I?"

"A little bit."

"They've all stopped believing."

"I thought they would. Look at it down there."

The smell was horrific, and the thick smoke was making Cloudy's eyes prickly and sore.

"What did you kick it off with?"

His uncle laughed bitterly.

"What didn't I bloody kick it off with? Fires. Plagues. Murders. It all went a bit - "

"Biblical?"

"Yeah. Think I went overboard?"

"A little bit. But there's always next time."

[showmethekey]

oh my god

[showmethekey]

Apps To Kill Time On

Keep seeing some posts circulating about popular websites and wanted to make a version for apps.

These are apps I’m way too addicted to. Am I missing any?

P.S. I’m on an iPhone so these are iPhone apps, but probably have an Android version too.

Edit: Sorry for all the time I’ve taken away from your life

Commaful - popular fanfiction, story, and poetry community 👑

Bettr - the reason my friends are jealous of my Insta

Spellbound - addictive horror 👻 and romance stories

Sweatcoin - get paid to walk

Helix Jump - legit the most addicting game on my phone

Tenkyu - tilt your phone and watch the relaxing magic happen

Calm - Award-winning app for meditation and sleeping better

Baseball Boy - addicting game where you smash a ⚾️

Hempire - become a plant mogul

Dune! - Ride the sand dunes like a baller!! so much fun

Betternet - free proxy/VPN to be anonymous/bypass school filters

Terrarium - build the ultimate garden empire

Sling Drift - beep beep - level 70 is insane 🚗

Bumper - kill them all!!!!! 😈 (i alway win)

1Q - get paid to answer simple questions 

Bee Factory - become a honey tycoon

Wind Rider - fly through a city in a wing suit

Spill it - drop balls and break glass

Fire Balls - shoot balls at obstacles. gets pretty hard

Two Dots - a fun puzzle game. easy time killer

Planet Bomber - let’s nuke some planets

Ice Racing - race down a mountain at record speeds

Splashy - bounce the ball accurately to survive. requires focus

Snakes Vs. Blocks - even more fun than the original snake hehe

Twenty48 Solitaire - best toilet game

Tornado - be a tornado and destroy everythinggg

Knock Balls - shoot down blocks with a canon - surprisingly relaxing

Wishbone - fun game for comparing stuff like hair, celebs, sports

Hole - fuck up a city muahaha

Dosh - get paid to shop

Yarn - stories that are seriously creepy af

You’re welcome 😉

[showmethekey]

communication is the foundation

[showmethekey]

i was in a thrift shop the other day and they were playing the most unsettling variations of normal christmas music, culminating in this rendition of the 12 days of christmas except it was like 12 guys all singing over each other and going “no!” and interrupting the lyrics with random other phrases until they deadass just started singing 5 golden rings to toto’s africa. can anyone confirm that this is a real song and not that i stroked so hard i astral projected into a universe where everything is somehow worse than it is here

[showmethekey]

filmed my boss firing me from my sales position

[showmethekey]

this whole thing is way too good to be giffed you need to expirience it 

[showmethekey]

escapes for when you feel anxious

exploring a flowery town with cute villagers

drinking a milkshake in an empty diner at 3am

real life that feels dreamlike

cute sunflower field dates

in love with the universe

softest love songs

living inside an 80s tv show

drinking tea on a cozy raining morning

you’re an angsty teen in a coming-of-age film

summer road trip in the west coast

vacation in san francisco

living in an old French film

stargazing and contemplating the meaning of life

late night drives in a 90’s movie

watching a beautiful sunset over the beach with someone you love

feeling dazed and drifting off under dreamlike sunlight

going to the beach in a camper van in 1960′s california

collecting whimsical music-boxes and taking pictures of clouds in paris

falling asleep on the moon

city lights at midnight

half dreaming,half awake in faded 60s sunlight

remembering someone else’s memories like they’re your own

being the guardian of a snowy forest who befriends wolves and takes care of baby fawns

being in a vintage fairytale

wandering the avenues of vintage New York City

living in a cinematic landscape and watching over a magnificent scenery

exploring an art museum

eating fruit in a small italian seaside town

[showmethekey]

Jason ‘I like to throw axes at bullseye’ momoa

[showmethekey]

i want to share with you some of my favourite graffiti from Pompeii

“Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!“ 

“Amplicatus, I know that Icarus is buggering you. Salvius wrote this.“ 

“We two dear men, friends forever, were here. If you want to know our names, they are Gaius and Aulus.“

“Floronius, privileged soldier of the 7th legion, was here. The women did not know of his presence. Only six women came to know, too few for such a stallion.“

“On April 19th, I made bread.“

“ I have buggered men.“

“If anyone does not believe in Venus, they should gaze at my girlfriend.“

“It took 640 paces to walk back and forth between here and there ten times.“

“Chie, I hope your hemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they every have before!“

“Epaphra is not good at ball games.”

“Two friends were here.  While they were, they had bad service in every way from a guy named Epaphroditus.  They threw him out and spent 105 and half sestertii most agreeably on whores.“

“Secundus likes to screw boys.“

[showmethekey]

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This is so important. 

[showmethekey]

business email glossary

[showmethekey]

this is the exact doggo i want

[showmethekey]

[showmethekey]

yeah seriously tell us how wizardry’s done in the new world tell me how the wizards from france and spain and britain stamped out the brujos and the medicine men and set up their own schools tell me what the fuck the british raj did to fucking india because the patel twins are going to school in scotland and what are they told about their history, tell me about native american kids learning to say wingardium leviosa with hate in their hearts and tell me about wizarding rabbis bickering about whether you can use potions on the sabbath tell me about the slaves on their ships with their wands broken, mouthing curses in the dark tell me about the runaways that made it with garter snakes wrapped around their wrists that told them when they tasted dogs in the distance, tell me about the underground railroad and abolitionists with unbreakable vows and home-spun invisibility cloaks and disilusionments, using obliviate, using imperio, knowing that they served a higher justice, tell me about what happened to black wizards in the fifties, about what gates they were storming in the sixties tell me about queer wizards taking love potions every morning in their coffee to stay married to their husbands and their wives because what else could they do?

the world only begins and ends with straight white christians if you don’t bother looking any farther than that and too many people don’t and i am tired, tired, tired

[showmethekey]