shushsush

[shushsush]

today, I learned that if I am arguing with a person who is actively missing the point of my messages and changing the subject to be about them and making themselves look like the victim.

i have to remember that not everyone thinks like me.... or has the capability to think at the same level as me. And this is not to be narcissistic in any way. Some people just genuinely think differently. OR THEY JUST NEED HELP AND I SHOULD JUST DROP THE SAMN CONVO.

[shushsush]

When everything you do, right or wrong, is always a mistake, all you can do is shut down cause faking happiness only causes more pain.

You aren't the mistake. The mistake was them forgetting that you have feelings too.

[shushsush]

Started the day with my dad threatening to destroy/ cut all my things, then my mom demands perfection for some personalized designs for her friends which she asks me to do last minutes, proceeds to degrade, insult, and compare me to my highschool batchmates. And then expects me to be motivated to find work or plan for my future? BITCH I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'LL BE ALIVE IN THE FUTURE. IT'S A QUESTION IN ITSELF THAT I'M STILL ALIVE TODAY. I JUST WANNA end it all... i have no motivation in life except my own happiness which is usually short term. I never planned on surviving past 20 yrs old, i never had a goal in life or a purpose in life. I've been called useless as a child and still called useless until now. Everything I do has no meaning anyway, any product, work, design is all worthless cause it never satisfies anyone so why bother making things or working at all. I wish i can just sleep and be gone, i shouldn't have existed if all i am is a burden who can't live to work or find a purpose. I can't wait to die.

[shushsush]

Have 2 Scorpio's as parents really is not fun... i unironically have so much beef with scorpio's in my life. It feels like a toxic relationship with how much i sometimes wanna krill myself out of frustration, anger, and sadness.

[shushsush]

Cried out of frustration from arguing with my mom. We both said sorry then immediately after she started scolding me again. That was why I was so frustrated cause of the non-stop scolding and nagging and shouting at me from all members of the family. I'm just tired from having to be patient and having to let them scold me and pour out their frustrations on to me. I get tired too, i get hurt too

[shushsush]

First letter in a while

The yearning I feel is something normal, something always seen. The yearning I seek is to find others who would spare their time to love me. It's been years, yes, a full decade since I last sent myself a letter. A letter full of love, care, and romance. A little letter to make things better. Not a letter full of hurt, not a letter to make one weep. This is actually a love letter to myself, to the little one who is stuck too deep. Deep in pains that are full of sighs, full of longing, songs, and cries. This is for the little one who wonders every day, "When will I be able to say, I found love like those in movies, writings and in plays?" Worry not, even though worry always fills my head. That love you've been longing comes from not others but yourself instead. Buy yourself flowers and little gifts, write yourself letters containing fun and wit. Be your own lover until maybe one day someone will be able to love you the same way. But if that someone never comes, do not frett and do not wail. You are still your own lover, rain or shine. You are your own lover, with no doubt or fail. So treat yourself kindly and with respect, be the one lover you won't regret.

My grammar may be horrid, but these intentions are true. This little letter is not only to me but to those who need it too. So treat yourself kindly no matter what day, even a silly little post-it note can make your day feel better than ok. This is your sign to write a little letter full of love just for you.

[shushsush]

Getting scolded by my parents and my sister trying to "defend" us leads to always escalating the issue and end with us being in more trouble cause of her tone.

Always on a sunday, always fighting, always when going to church... and they wonder why our siblings hate going to church...

I don't hate God or the church... i just hate how they force religion down our throats and always scold/fight with us with the "I am better than thou" attitude. It's so tiring...

[shushsush]

Stopping myself from falling in love because i know im not ready for that type of commitment yet. But at the same time, falling in love so easily.

Maybe i'll buy myself flowers with a note so I fall in love with myself instead of hating myself, lol.

[shushsush]

It's my most hated time of the year~

The heat kills motivation, I end up rotmaxong in my bed and get no work, or school work done. I wanna drink, have a breakdown, cry and hibernate. But alas all I am doing is reading yaoi at 3am.

[shushsush]

Professional at accidentally making friends fall in love with me but failing to confess to any actual crushes I get.

Also found out i might be aromantic???

Also also apparently all the friends that claimed or claim that they have/had a crush on me are all the eldest sibling or only child in the family. What does this mean.

Lol rather than aro i might be ace?

[shushsush]

Currently, my mentality is in the gutter, but my peronality stays a flower field.

🪷💐🌹🥀🌸🌱🌷🌻🌷🌾🌴☘️🌳🪴🏵🌼🪻☘️🌳🌱🏵🌸🌹🌼🌹🌼🪻⚘️🌹🌳🌱🌼🪻🪻💐🌹🌻🌹🌺🌷🌼⚘️🌸🌹🥀🌻🪻🌻🌱🌼🏵🌸🌹🌻🌹🌻🪻🌷🌼🌼🌹🌹🌻🌻🪴🍀🌿💐🌿☘️🌸🥀🌻🌹☘️🌺☘️🌳🏵🌸🌹🏵🌻🌲⚘️☘️🌺☘️🌸🏵🌻🌱🌺⚘️🌿🌲☘️🌷⚘️🌳🌹🌲🌹🌻🪻🌿🌼☘️🌱🌻🌹🌳🪻⚘️🌼🏵🌺🌹🌹💐🏵🏵🌼🌿🌳

[shushsush]

I miss so many people rn, and i want to keep talking to them, but i know they are not interested. And i know i don't hold much or any importance to any of them just based on how they respond. And that's ok, but it still really hurts. I always want to put myself first, but i reply as soon as they all message me, but i have to wait mins to hours just for a reply.

This is why being alone is the best option because I'm always another option for everyone else.

[shushsush]

It's about time my mom finally called me a disappointment. I mean, it's mostly my fault, but it doesn't change the fact that she basically admitted my short-term happiness is basically disappointing her cause I'm making friends. I already dont have time to do my thesis cause, apparently when I want to work on it, you think everything else is more important than it. Then, when I want to rest, have fun, and relax, I'm wasting my time and not studying. Yes, I'm lazy. Yes, I procrastinate. YES, SCHOOL MAY NOT BE SOMETHING I PRIORITISE OR EVEN WANT TO CONTINUE DOING. BUT YOU CAN'T SEE THIS IS BECAUSE YOU KEEP MAKING ME DO SO MUCH THINGS AT THE SAME TIME?!?!?!?

The reason why I want to rest and relax so much is because I'm always doing something?? Ever since I could walk, she always signed me up for something. I always had to do something. And whenever I did "nothing," it was bad, wrong, lazy. Is it wrong to want to make up for all the resting I couldn't do back then? All the friends I could've made back then?

[shushsush]

Turns out depression can still come back after 4 years of being ok

I forgot how cutting helped me release the tears i hold back. It helps remind me thar im also a human

[shushsush]

Why do guys always make really good friendships awkward by asking or wanting to turn it into a relationship. The typical no girl has ever treated me like this before is such an overused phrase. Literally, maybe that's why no girl treats you so nicely or friendly before? Cause they don't want you to think they are doing this for a relationship?

Also, I'm using you? According to your friend, who doesn't even properly know me? How could i be using you when half of the time it's you who offer and do things without asking? Sure, i ask you for help or a ride every now and then, but literally, so do all your other "friends." Suddenly, i become a user because of your feelings for me? How hillarious.

I literally became your friend for being a friend. I do friend things as i do with my other friends. Just cause someone doesn't give as many gifts or acts of service doesn't mean mean they are using you. I literally spend so much time talking with you because that's how i show my friendship and appreciation. How shallow it is for someone to base another if they don't do the exact same as you.

[shushsush]

Wtf why is this fucking german boi never getting out of my head. Im pretty sure he doesn't like me at all and is just being really friendly fr. Stop running around my mind

[shushsush]

I got no one to talk to, no friend, not even a foe. It's just me, by myself, yes, I am alone. The friends I made don't treasure me the same, I'm treated like trash that is easily thrown away. Sometimes, I wish to be gone and not exist. All these feelings I have, please, I want them gone. Pain after pain, why do I always expect for someone. They are all the same chatting when they need me, but once I need help, they're gone or just leave.

Sometimes, I wish I could cease to exist. Sometimes, I wish I never did this. I wish I kept my feelings dead like before, where words can't hurt me or affect me so strong. I look at the friends I hold, oh so dear, and then realize that not everyone cares with the same exact care or the same exact fondness. I realize that I'm replaceable to them and to others. I want to scream, cry, and shout to let out all these feelings. But all I can do is shed one tear and write these words for only myself to hear.