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[siblingloss]

[siblingloss]

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[siblingloss]

It been nearly 11 years and I still forget his gone. Like I saw something I knew he would have thought was cool and was like “oh let me send him- oh... right. Never mind” how is he so ingrained in my mind and heart that I forget? Is that my brain protecting me? It’s very weird.

[siblingloss]

y’all ever see a sibling interaction in media and just know….it was written by an only child

[siblingloss]

Because of you

I am going to graduate school in the next year. I am getting a degree in counseling with a specialized certificate in grief. I need to help others to keep from sinking into anger or sadness.

I wouldn’t have even considered this career path without your death, but I think it’s important for me and you. You were in the military, fighting for something you believed in. I had never had that kind of call and then when you first left my pain was too loud to hear the call. But over the past year what has started as a whisper has become a battle cry that I have to listen to.

It is the first time I’ve felt like I am really truly on the correct path. Don’t get me wrong, I’d take having you back over my own calling. But since you insist on staying away I might as well be doing something to help others.

I just wanted you to know.

Love and miss you

Cate

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it really is next to impossible to write realistic sibling dialogue, I just passed my brother on the stairs and instead of greeting each other like human beings I said ‘born survivor’ and he said ‘youtube rewind. let’s set it to rewind.’ like you ain’t gonna find that shit in a novel

[siblingloss]

He is Just Away

I cannot say, and I will not say

That he is dead, he is just away!

With a Cheery Smile and a wave of the hand

He has wandered into an unknown land.

And left us dreaming how very fair

It needs must be since he lingers there,

And you - oh you, who the wildest yearn

For the old-time step and the glad return.

Think of him fairing on, as dear

In the love of there, as the love of here,

Think of him still as the same, I say.

she is not dead - she is just away.

- James Whiteomb Riley

The actual poem is ‘she’ instead of ‘he’, sorry Mr. Riley. But when I heard this on Haunting of Hill House, and have soothed myself (even 9 years after) so often with thoughts of my brother just still being in California instead of passed, i knew i had to post it.

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There’s so much I want to say to you all.

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Hi I really appreciate your blog and I am sending my love to you. I recently just lost one of my two sisters. We were close in age and my heart hurts so much

Thank you so much Anon. I’ll think of you and add you and your family to my prayers. Any time you need to talk, I’ll respond.

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The past two days have been harder than they have in a while. Your death day/birthday always come and some years they’re a slight flutter, others (like yesterday and the day before) they are a heart shattering, dry heaving, cruel monster that leave me unable to breathe or move.

It’s hard to imagine the years where those days go by with barely a flutter. After years like this one it just doesn’t seem possible. But they happen. I don’t know how, but they do. The idea 9 years have passed since I’ve seen your smile or heard your voice seems impossible. But it is. It’s been 9 years... how am I supposed to survive the rest of my life?

Thats all I have to say today. Miss you. Love you. Wish you were here.

[siblingloss]

I have to talk for a minute. Today is My brother’s death day. It’s been 9 years. But that’s not really want I want to talk about. What I want to talk about today is that you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel about your siblings death. You’re allowed to feel angry, sad, depressed, lonely, relieved, shocked, nothing. There is no “right” way to feel or grieve. Even 9 years later, even on a random days. Some days I don’t ache, some days my heart doesn’t feel like it’s broken but some days, it feels like I can’t breathe, some days my heart feels like it can’t keep beating it’s so shattered.

There is no perfect way to go thru the stages of grief. Some days we go through them all in one day. Sometimes we spend years on one of them. How you grieve and at what pace is valid and if you need to talk to someone, good for you, if you’re managing, good for you.

Grief is a verb. It changes the rules and circumstances at a whim. Adapt or don’t. You are doing well. Even on your worse days. You lost part of our past, present and future in a single day, in a single exhale of life. However you feel at any given moment is okay and good. If we eat as well as we can and drink a lot of water, our hearts will keep beating and some days... that’s as good as it gets.

“A heart may be broken, but it keeps a beating just the same” -Fannie Flagg

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It’s the 9 year anniversary of getting the call about your accident. We didn’t know details, just that you were in the hospital. I can recall every single detail of that day. Funny, since I can’t remember 95% of the next five days.

I remember mom’s face, then her scream, then me trying to think clearly enough to take the next step, to get to you. Mom held her bible the entire way to the airport. I cursed at god the entire way. Daring him to take you, then begging him to take me instead. Even then, even when we didn’t know how bad it was, I was angry that is had happened at all.

There was a thunderstorm while we were on the plane and I remember it being the first time I’d felt calm since the phone rang. That song from next to normal played on repeat in my head.

“Do you wake up in the morning and need help to lift your head?

Do you read obituaries and feel jealous of the dead?

It's like living on a cliffside not knowing when you'll dive.

Do you know, do you know what it's like to die alive?”

I had no idea how little I felt like this in that moment compared to the rest of that week. We finally got to the hospital. The waiting room was filled with people even tho it had taken us well over 20 hours since the accident to be there. It was that moment I knew how loved you were, not just by us. Those ppl would become my life line. I didn’t know that yet though. In that moment they were just strange faces and my only thought was “Jordan”.

You were so damn cold. You already felt dead. I would learn later that it was because when someone had to be resuscitated they keep them cold to make it easier on their heart.

Seeing you pale, cold and as lifeless as I’d ever seen you, made me realize how bad it was. I realized for the first time in that moment that I was probably going to lose my brother. I didn’t cry until I was in the shower at the hotel. I know mom and dad must have heard but I thought I was hiding it and they never said anything. It would be the last time I cried for months....

Have missed you every moment for 9 years. It’ll never get easier. I know that now. Love you.

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Working with new people means saying “I lost my brother” or “I had a brother but he died” a lot more often then I have had to in the past 8 years. And the interesting thing is how many other ppl have lost their siblings and don’t get to talk about it. It’s like opening that door just gives them the opportunity they’ve been waiting for. One of my partners in particular just kept asking questions about you and sharing about his brother, as if no one had ever asked him how he felt about it. And honestly…. probably no one has, not really. And not that can also share their feelings.

It’s feels nice to be able to use my tragedy to let others know they’re not alone. That their feelings aren’t unique, at least not in a way so many of us assume. There is a shared pain and whether we talk about it for hours or it’s a couple of sentences, the coworkers I share that with, I literally watch their wall go down. Just a little, just that part of themselves but we both stand a little different around each other because, we know.

Love you and miss you every moment

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Been thinking about you a LOT lately. I don’t know if it’s my career change or a new year or what. It’s so odd that this year I’m going to be 5 years older than you got to be. I’ll be the same distance apart from your final age as you were older than me. That is so weird. God I miss you so much. Every damn day I wish i could call you and hear your voice again. See your face outside of videos and pictures.

I’m doing so well though. I truly am and I just wish you were here to see it, here to be proud of me in person. With this new job I know I’ll find myself thinking about you more and more. Being an EMT means being with people as they die, as they’re at their weakest, as they are in pain and all I can find myself thinking is... the EMT/Paramedics that were called the night of your accident so could have easily given up. 15 minutes in the water then 17 minutes of CPR. Do you know how easy it would have been to for them to not be able to bring you back. But they did. You never regained consciousness but we had a warm, breathing body to say goodbye to. That sounds morbid but it really did make a difference. I hope that even if it means 17 minutes of CPR, that I can give someone’s little sister time to say goodbye, even if it’s a warm body and not a smile and a hug.

Grief is a funny thing. I’ll always carry it with me, like a scar, but it doesn’t always cause me pain. More often then not I think of you with a smile. Of course there are still days I cry and can’t breathe, but most days, I think of you and smile. So thank you for giving me so much to smile about, even if you’re not here to give me new smiles.

I love you. And I miss you, every second of every day.

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What I wish someone told me about losing your only sibling.

I wish someone told me that life would never be the same, that my parents would be different, holidays would be different, everything would be different. I wish someone told me that my life plans would change, that I would have to take into consideration my aging parents in every decision I make. I wish someone would have told me that it would break my heart when all of my friends get to see their siblings and celebrate becoming aunts and uncles. I wish someone would have told me that even 5 years later there would be days that I have crippling pain because of how much I miss my brother. I wish someone would have told me that how I handle things would change, and that I would become a beautiful blend of callous and caring. Most of all I wish someone would have told me that it’s okay to feel these things, and that sometimes it’s okay to not feel at all. I wish someone would have told me that everyone grieves differently and that no one will understand that grief no matter how hard they try.

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The most refreshing thing about your blog is that it isn't a 'things will get better in time' 'time heals all wounds'. Since losing my sister I've been bombarded with those words when the truth couldn't be further from it. I'm like you, I know that no matter how much time may pass this pain is still going to be as raw. There are wounds that time doesn't heal and I just wanted to thank you for the honesty of your blog. You're a beautiful person and your brother would be so proud. Sending love x

thank you :) I’d like to think he’d be proud. Anyone who tries to tell you time heals, has never truly suffered this kind of loss. My heart will always be broken, but it keeps on beating just the same (that’s a line from my favorite movie)