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stop asking me “wyd” im literally rotting in my bedroom

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“Sometimes suffering is just suffering. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t build character. It only hurts.”

— Kate Jacobs

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Secret Keeper // Gravestones

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It's changed. Last weekend, I pushed him to the limit and I've lost him. This is the longest it's been since I met him. I don't want this to happen.

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I don't know when the last time I posted a photo was. I don't remember if I posted photos at all.. or if I stopped at some point. But I..well I am back here again.

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I want to write this down and save it to look back on. 

I was in a relationship for 2 years and 10 months before it ended about a month ago. It’s fucked me up.

The first week was the hardest. I was crying everyday. I haven't cried in a while now, and thats because he is still in my life. I still talk to him. But I’m a jealous person. I can’t move on from anything. And we argue all the time. 

Today I am sad because I am not a big part of his life anymore. I want to be more and I never will be. If I disappeared from the world, he wouldn't care. 

You’d think after almost 3 years, he would care a little. 

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You don’t know how sad and tired I really am.

(via herbst-wetter)

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wow, I never thought I’d be back here again.

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All I ever wanted was to know what to do.

Dave Eggers,  You Shall Know Our Velocity! (via wordsnquotes)

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Obviously, I haven’t logged onto this tumblr in over a year.

Short story is, I have been self harm free for 13 months. I was scared my boyfriend would leave me if he kept catching me logged in here, and if I kept hurting myself.

Too add a bit more info, I would still be harming myself if I never met him. I would start doing it again if he left right now.

I’m no where near what I used to be like. It’s hard to remember the excruciating mental pain I used to feel all the time. No, I’m mostly okay. Happy. I have new friends, a boyfriend, a great job. I finally masked my anxiety enough to start driving lessons.

I don’t feel like what I used to.

But. And that is a big, but.

Some might say I’m recovered, but I don’t think so. I think the depression and the anxiety and the whatever else is still in me, hidden away, waiting to pop up again. Or maybe it will just hide there forever, nagging from its corner so I can only hear it quietly. I do still have bad nights where my mind won’t stop turning. I do still think about my past and I have no idea how to let go.

My scars basically go unnoticed by me now. But it wouldn’t be hard to add more.

I’m still scared of life. I still have days where I would rather sit in the toilet stall then eat lunch with people, just so happens that I do that at work now instead of in school. I have days where I stay in bed. I am sometimes really excited for the future, and all of these plans that I’ve made and dreams that I want. But then I also wonder if I’m even good enough to actually do those things. Sometimes I think I can’t.

Sometimes I feel really small. I’m not social enough, I’m not professional enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not kind enough. Sometimes I’m really confident, but yeah, mostly the other stuff.

So that’s where I’m at in life.

Maybe I’ll log in again next year and do this again. Maybe not.

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i could pull the steering wheel