silentbluetears

[silentbluetears]

sad to announce that I am having thoughts and emotions again and it is not a pleasant experience

[silentbluetears]

I yearn for death to take me. I'm ready for her. I'm empty and alone and lost. My life isn't a life it's just endless repetitive nothingness pointless and exhausting. I'm so fucking tired. I can't keep doing this I never thought I'd even make it this long and it seems like everything just keeps getting worse.

[silentbluetears]

I'm not even alive on the outside

[silentbluetears]

Rant to the void

My stomach has hurt my entire life. I was hard to feed as a baby and then refused to eat or drink anything when I was 3 until they had to hospitalize me. I went without dinner more times than I actually ate and any food I ate I mostly just picked at. I was beyond picky I just wouldn't eat anything that wasn't part of my safe foods. I hated textures and flavors and and feeling full.

I worked on this because my bestie in jr high kind of pushed me to try stuff god fucking bless her because I was a bitch and so stubborn and literally made her cry and she's the only reason I actually eat more than just Mac n cheese and nuggets.

I got pretty good for a while I was working out making dinners and lunches and even prepping good breakfasts and snacks. I was working out 2 hours a day for at least 4 days a week. I was routine and finally feeling some what better and then out of seemingly nowhere I began to feel easily fatigued and nauseous all the time like I used to it became impossible to workout and the food started becoming harder to swallow. I began to eat more fast food out of ease and hardly eat during the day. I am sitting in a restaurant with my family right now as I type this feeling like I used to as a kid. I'm disgusted by the smells of all the food and feel sick to my stomach. Its hard to fake the conversations and enjoy the time and not just put my head down and silently cry right now.

I am so tired of this shit I've been suffering my whole ass life and I've been to doctors and done tests and it's always coming back "normal" there isn't even signs of bad acid reflux on my esophagus even though I have acid in the back of my throat 24/7.

I'm so tired of fighting this fight of trying to find answers and solutions. Of surviving eash fucking day. Having a body is fucking rigged!

[silentbluetears]

Rant to the void

My stomach has hurt my entire life. I was hard to feed as a baby and then refused to eat or drink anything when I was 3 until they had to hospitalize me. I went without dinner more times than I actually ate and any food I ate I mostly just picked at. I was beyond picky I just wouldn't eat anything that wasn't part of my safe foods. I hated textures and flavors and and feeling full.

I worked on this because my bestie in jr high kind of pushed me to try stuff god fucking bless her because I was a bitch and so stubborn and literally made her cry and she's the only reason I actually eat more than just Mac n cheese and nuggets.

I got pretty good for a while I was working out making dinners and lunches and even prepping good breakfasts and snacks. I was working out 2 hours a day for at least 4 days a week. I was routine and finally feeling some what better and then out of seemingly nowhere I began to feel easily fatigued and nauseous all the time like I used to it became impossible to workout and the food started becoming harder to swallow. I began to eat more fast food out of ease and hardly eat during the day. I am sitting in a restaurant with my family right now as I type this feeling like I used to as a kid. I'm disgusted by the smells of all the food and feel sick to my stomach. Its hard to fake the conversations and enjoy the time and not just put my head down and silently cry right now.

I am so tired of this shit I've been suffering my whole ass life and I've been to doctors and done tests and it's always coming back "normal" there isn't even signs of bad acid reflux on my esophagus even though I have acid in the back of my throat 24/7.

I'm so tired of fighting this fight of trying to find answers and solutions. Of surviving eash fucking day. Having a body is fucking rigged!

[silentbluetears]

I'm so fucking tired

Not another year, please I can't do anymore birthdays I never wanted to live this long

[silentbluetears]

Rant to the void

I wish that something bad would happen to me in front of everyone who claims to love me. I don't think anyone thinks I'm all that bad off. No one knows just how fucked in the head I am. How much pain I'm always in. No one knows how much I long for death how I think about dying basically all the time. I wish something horrible would happen to me something so awful it's expected for me to never be the same. I want the pain on the outside for once visible to everyone. I want to look tiny in a hospital bed worn out beating to shit and frail so close to dying that I look like a walking corpse because that's how I feel on the inside and no one fucking sees it.

[silentbluetears]

You know you are used to shit snowballing on you when you don't even cry when it all stacks up anymore. Today felt fucking cursed.

[silentbluetears]

[silentbluetears]

When you said you think I'd always pick my family over you I didn't say it but I realized you'd always pick your work over me.

It sucks that I still think about you all the time and can't move on because we never even gave it a real chance. It sucks that you'd need the location to be based on the weather you like and that you'd never want to be part of my family. Did you ever think that if you tried you could be my family and I'd be choosing you and them? But maybe you are right and it's not worth it anyway. I am not good with people that's why I don't have that many in my life. Hell I don't even know if I'm capable of loving or being loved I don't think I am but you gave me hope once that I could be and then you destroyed that.

[silentbluetears]

I vow to never complain out loud ever again. I just make things worse. I always make things so much fucking worse. Why can't I ever just stop?

I need to stop. I JUST NEED TO FUCKING STOP!

[silentbluetears]

I am such a piece of shit

I'm sorry

[silentbluetears]

Waking up from a nightmare to find myself in a nightmare

[silentbluetears]

Why do I always mess everything up? I’m so tired of being so shit all the time. I don’t even know what I do, it’s like everything I touch gets destroyed within seconds. I try so hard and I just fuck it up again, every single time. I hate myself so much.

[silentbluetears]

I hate me

I fucking HATE MYSELF

I am such a waste of a person.

Every single person would be better off if I NEVER existed! I am so fucking tired of never being good enough. I am so tired of hurting everyone around me and dragging them all down with me.

I am the fucking worst and I desperately wish I could be anyone else. Or at the very least I wish I could shut the fuck up and never say another word to anyone ever.

I know everyone in my life is tired of me. I am so fucking tired of me.

[silentbluetears]

[silentbluetears]

I am not religious anymore but grew up in that cult ass shit and so sometimes I can't help but think if there is a Hell I am already in it.

I have to pretend to live every single day while being utterly dead inside. I don't have the energy to talk about how I feel no one cares to actually listen anyway, so why bother even trying?

I don't think I was meant for this world. or this world is actually just the bad place. At least for me and everyone else who has mental illness and are not delusional about this place.

Life here is so shit