silentfangirlwritings

[silentfangirlwritings]

rb to give a flower to the person you rb this from

[silentfangirlwritings]

Hie babie hope u staying hydrated and ily sm 🤍🤍🤍🤍🥺🥺

🥺🥺 hii lovie i hope you’re taking care of yourself & i’m sending you so much love 🤍☁🌻

p.s thank you for all your love on the fics it’s so appreciated, i understand if you stop reading them after what happened

[silentfangirlwritings]

04 - lilac skies

while revisiting their spot, exes are confronted by old feelings and reflect their relationship.

pairing: unnamed (zion kuwonu x reader) (same as 01, 02 & 03) [you would only have to read 01 & 03 to read this part if you wish]

word count: 4.4k

~~~

her return had been long-awaited. her car, despite sitting undriven for close to three years, felt familiar to the asphalt and the trees called to her. the elements around these parts had missed her presence and welcomed her home with open arms.

she’d been putting off this outing since she returned to her hometown. it was the first place she’d written on her list when she started planning her trip home and the last place she was going to. she’d been pushing it off and it got to the point her mom told her to swallow her pain and go. she was leaving in four days, it was time.

she’d woken up early that day and laid in bed for three hours doing nothing. she’d stared at her phone and then at a book and for a while, she stared at the wall. her brain had been stuck on a loop since the elevator ride with him. 

she shouldn’t have kissed him. she shouldn’t have even spoken to him. one look at that handsome boy with blond dreads and those glass-like eyes and she was done for. it was like every feeling that she’d ever had towards him came flooding back in during those 20 something floors. 

for so long, she’d only felt pain when she remembered those years she’d spent attached to his hip. it was difficult to remember the good times when the pain he’d caused was still so fresh. she liked to think she was over it, occasionally lying to those around her saying she barely thought of him or that she was okay with what had happened. the good memories, though they outnumbered the bad ones by thousands, rarely came to mind. 

this field outside the city had been the best place in the world for them. running off to come here whenever they wanted to be alone was her favourite thing. they’d just sit and lie around for hours on end, talking about nothing and everything. being able to kiss someone whenever you pleased was the best feeling. everything about this place was the best. he was the best.

now sitting in her car, staring at the gate, she remembered one of the last times she’d been here with him. it would’ve been around the same time she was here now, the sun was beginning to set. the sky was on a journey of its own, she wished hers was as beautifully.

stepping out of the car, she took a deep breath. a blue memory glowed in her head and pulled at her heartstrings. she pulled her jacket tighter around her torso and took two steps forward and one back and into the past.

she could see her younger self dancing around the field as she trudged forward to the picnic table. the joyous voices of two young and in love kids blowing by in the wind. her hands pushed deeper into her pockets, her fingertips tingling at the ghost of a memory. she didn’t want to feel it right now, that warm and safe feeling from him. she needed peace and it wouldn’t come from the memory of him.

she knew this was the way things would be. stepping into a place filled with memories meant her body would relive those sensations that used to be so special. closing her eyes would’ve meant he’d be right there beside her, but as that younger kid, he once was. on one side, the 15-year-old kid she fell in love with and on the other, the 17-year-old boy who broke her heart.

she stopped a few steps short of the picnic table. she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. she didn’t know what she was going to feel when she opened her eyes. some of the best moments of her teenage years had happened right in front of her. some of the saddest too.

she could almost hear their voices. the tearful conversations that were tattooed white on her heart. they all happened at this table. the first time she told him she loved him through tears, the first time he told her she was his entire world, irreplaceable in his heart. she’d live there forever, he’d smiled as tears fell down his cheeks, even some 2700 miles away. 

the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was his boyish scribble on the flaking paint of the old table. the ink had withstood the harsh weather and nature’s elements with beauty. it felt like a stab to the chest. he’d broken her heart without a second thought yet the promise he’d made to her was still as strong as the day he first wrote it.

‘it doesn’t matter where life takes you, i’ll go wherever you are.’

“what a load of bullshit.”

she shook her head and moved to sit down on top of the picnic table. there was no use staring at his written words, they were forever engraved in her. that promise had kept her heart safe and her mind at ease for a fair amount of time. now, they were just an ugly ghost of a love that didn’t get the chance it deserved.

she crossed her legs under her and held herself tight. she closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. the air hadn’t changed its smell over the years. neither had the sounds of the wind in the trees. everything, in one way or another, was basically the same. nature doesn’t change a lot in 5 years. 

when she opened her eyes, she could see them dancing across the field with their hands thrown up in the air. there was joy in every step they took and the biggest smiles on their faces. she giggled, couldn’t help herself. 

she’d forgotten a lot of the innocence their time together held. the joy they experienced, the love they shared, it was unprecedented and new. there had never been anything quite like it and that on its own was a beautiful thing. but to think about the years they spent together as friends, best friends, it made it the most beautiful thing in the world.

they knew each other better than any other living person. the things that walked hand-in-hand with one another, the ugly and the blindly beautiful were accepted for what they were, not what they could be. that was one of the things she loved the most about him. he loved her for what she was, not who she could be, not who she was now.

she loved him the same way. she was sure of it. he had great potential, yes, but he was beautiful and worthy of love as he was when he was hers. he was so funny and filled with kindness. and his smile; nothing was quite like that smile. the way he looked at her, the way he touched her, the way he made her feel like she was the most beautiful being in the world were just bonuses. she would’ve happily accepted his love with less. 

maybe she shouldn’t have.

she sighed to herself and checked her watch. it had only been ten minutes and she already wanted to leave. the sky hadn’t even changed colours yet, it was still a mix between orange and red. she’d sort of hoped to stay until the sun had set, or she’d been pressured to. her mom had told her it was the right thing to do.

“you used to be there from the moment you woke up ‘till just before curfew. it’ll do you good to be there at the same time.”

she didn’t really want to be there until her old curfew so she compromised and lied to her mom about it. there were a few food places she still had to check off her list whilst she was here. she could really go for some chips from cherry’s diner. she still hadn’t had anything like them in all those years she spent away.

over her shoulder, she saw the two of them laying on the grass next to one another. they were looking at the sky and talking with their hands joined. she was wearing one of his hoodies and he wore the plaited string bracelet she’d made over one weekend. she’d left it to the side but the second he saw it, he asked to have it. he hadn’t taken it off for a period longer than a shower throughout the duration of their relationship. 

she hadn’t thought of that in years. 

“i cannot wait to leave home.”

his voice echoed and sent chills up her spine. her giggle floated towards her and she watched on as she shook her head.

“there is so much time between then and now, slow down.”

he sat up and brought her hand to his lips. he kissed her knuckles delicately and leant over her body.

“just think of all the things we could do if we had a place to ourselves. privacy.”

she laughed and rolled her eyes. he wiggled his eyebrows at her and planted a sweet kiss on her plump lips. 

“we have privacy and a place to ourselves.”

she spread her arms wide and he looked around.

“we’ve created our own little world. think of all the things we could do right here.”

he slipped his arm under her body and pulled her up a little into him.

“oh trust me, i am.”

she laughed and he kissed her. he shifted his body so he was fully on top of her and laid her back down, their lips never leaving another. she really loved the sound their lips made each time they touched. she never wanted to stop hearing it. but it was starting to hurt watching it all happen again.

she turned her head and blinked away the tears that were manifesting in her ducts. she stood up from the table and moved to the grass. she sat down, her hands brushing over the thin blades and laid back. 

her eyes scrunched at the sky’s bright colours. it was beautiful but blinding. a lot of things were. it hurt to stare but there were times when it was just too hard to pull away from. you can’t just take a step back from it or look away for even a second because you could miss the best part. or it could all be over. everything happens too quickly. it’s so easy to miss everything.

it was so easy to miss him.

she let her mind run in circles as she directed her attention to the sky. the reds and oranges were beginning to turn to pinks and would soon enough come to an array of purples.

they used to do this a lot. she’d lay and watch the sky during its most beautiful times and he’d sit next to her. he often had his guitar, a pen and paper. she liked to hear him sing and the light strum of his guitar. she was thoughtless in those moments, completely at peace. 

“these are the moments i’ll miss most.”

she’d said to him one night not long after his first trip to new york.

“we still don’t know if i’m going, you might never have to miss ‘em.”

he paused his strumming for a moment just to pick right back up, neither of them looking at one another. they were still struggling with the idea of what it meant if he was chosen. they didn’t want to know either.

“i’ll always miss these moments.”

he’d stopped his strumming again and stared at her. he always felt like she knew something he didn’t. half the time, she didn’t know what she knew either. she just got that gut feeling and never doubted it. 

she took a deep breath and looked around at the purple hues that were starting to invade the pink sky. she loved this change from pink to purple. nothing could beat it on an evening like this. the sky was clear, not a cloud in sight. it was a warm night too. it was so close to perfect, especially with the strumming of a guitar playing somewhere off in the distance of her mind. or at least she thought it was her mind. it only took the melody to change to something she’d never heard to have her sitting up.

she followed the sound and turned to the hillside. why she hadn’t gone there when she first arrived, she had no idea. it used to be her favourite place to go. you could see the whole city from there, it was what dreams were made of. 

she stopped when she saw him. he was sitting there with a small light attached to a notepad and his guitar. he had a pen in his mouth and he was nodding his head as he strummed. she hadn’t seen him this way in years and somehow, it still made her heart happy.

against better judgement, she crossed her arms over her chest and kept walking towards him. she stopped and sat down a metre or so away from him, slightly up the hillside. she hugged her legs to her chest and closed her eyes. the melodies he strummed and hummed washed over her like fairy dust. 

“you’ve gotten better.”

she didn’t know she was going to speak until the words came out. she wasn’t even sure why she sat down or talked to him. being around him was hard. it was just so easy to talk to him and once she said one thing, she was saying another and then she was kissing him. it had always happened that way. it happened only a few days prior and she was still stuck thinking about his lips and the way he made her feel.

“practice makes perfect.”

she opened her eyes as he spoke and looked at him. he didn’t turn to look at her, just kept his eyes on the city. there was one simple reason he wouldn’t turn to look at her. he wasn’t sure if she was actually there or not.

“did you think about that elevator ride that started all this the other day?”

if they were going to be here together, they were going to walk down memory lane. she needed to talk to someone and get that gross feeling of him out of her. for some reason, the only thing her brain could think would get it out of him was talking to him. they were the only two people who knew what happened. he was the only person she could talk to about it.

he didn’t look at her again, or say anything. but she knew he was listening. he had that look and he’d stopped playing his guitar to twirl one of his blond dreads.

“it was too good for us to begin and end a relationship in the same setting. you’re a songwriter, a musician, and i’m a poet at heart. we had to meet one last time.”

“i made up my mind when you walked out of that elevator.”

he still didn’t turn to face her but he put his guitar down beside him. she watched him closely, waiting for him to say something more. to clarify what he meant because she had no idea. she wanted him to say he gives up, that he knows he’s not in love with her or confused about his feelings. she wanted him to admit that he’d made a mistake and that seeing her again had simply thrown him off. 

“are you going to tell me or is it a surprise for another night?”

she was nervous in his silence. 

“we’re not over. i’m not done with you.”

she stared at him and shook her head. he still wasn’t looking at her but maybe that was okay. she was a mix between angry and annoyed. 

“you can’t decide something like that. you’re not done with me but i’m done with you.”

he turned to face her now, his eyebrows knitted together and his bottom lip jutted out. he looked tense but scared. calm but angry. he looked like two different people forced into one. stuck between a rock and a hard place.

“if you were done with me, you wouldn’t be here.”

she shook her head. no, that wasn’t true.

“i-i, no.”

she stuttered over her words. an honest and true response had left her mind. instead, all she could think about was what this place meant to her. she was sure, more than sure, that a place that was once theirs could mean something to her without it being about him. 

“this place was ours. we spent hours here, we used to lay right here and make-”

“stop.” 

“i’m here because it is the one place in this entire city that is just ours. every blade of grass, every leaf on those trees, every colour in the evening sky, it is yours. it is ours. i want to think about you and us, so i’m here. you can’t lie to me and say you’re not here to think about us. you still care about me. you’re not over me.”

she stared at him for a moment or two before laying back on the hill. she stared at the lilac sky and covered her face with her hands. he made her head so foggy she couldn’t think. she couldn’t even defend herself because he made everything not make sense.

“you’re so frustrating.” 

she stood up as she spoke, shaking her head as she walked a few steps down the hill.

“it’s been almost five years and you still can’t seem to wrap your head around the fact that i have my own ideas. my own feelings. i can treasure the memories i have with you and i can come back to the place that was ours one last time before i leave without it meaning that i’m stuck on you or still in love with you.”

she took a deep breath and crossed her arms over her chest. she didn’t know she was talking so fast until she stopped. she looked down at him and stared for as long as she could without that sob escaping her. 

“i told you that i don’t love you, that i can’t love you. i kissed you and i told you that i felt nothing. i said goodbye to you and now, i’m saying goodbye to this place.”

“you keep saying goodbye, what does goodbye mean?”

he stood up and threw his arms out. he was hurting, she could see it. but she had to be honest. she couldn’t lie to him. 

“i’m leaving.”

two simple words put together that turned him around. but they meant nothing. they’d both left this city long ago and neither of them had plans of moving back. the one thing she’d decided on that he hadn’t was their return.

“we’ve both already left.”

“i’m leaving and not coming back, zion.”

he perked up at the sound of his name coming from her mouth, but his heart dropped at the same time. if they don’t have this city in common, they have nothing. no friends, no food places, no roads, nothing. 

“w-what?”

he stuttered and stepped forward, closer to her.

“i’ve bought a home.”

she smiled as she spoke, that heartbreaking smile. she was so happy, so, so happy. but she was hurting too.

“it’s only a small cottage but it’s enough for me. mom and dad are excited about visiting, they understand why i can’t keep coming back here. they understand.”

he stood there in front of her shaking his head with his mouth agape. there was nothing he could think to say that mattered. he knew there wasn’t anything he could say that would make her not want to cut this place off completely. he also knew he had no business asking why she was doing this or where she was moving to. she hadn’t been his business for a very long time but that didn’t stop it from hurting so damn much.

she’d been living in europe since she’d graduated school. her plan was always to stay in canada for schooling and then move across the world but obviously, things had changed. the one good thing about them sharing a home town was that there was always a chance they’d run into each other. sure, they’d gone four almost five long years without that occurring, but the chance was always there.

and now it wasn’t going to be. she had no plans to come back. she was saying goodbye to everything and everyone. he finally realised why she’d risked seeing him at their friend’s party and he was starting to think she’d stepped into that elevator on purpose. she always did love closure. maybe it was the poet in her. 

“you’re leaving.”

he spoke sadly like the world was ending, and she felt it in her heart, in her chest. his feelings always affected her. she hated just how connected they were. it made everything so much harder and she hated that. she hated everything about this whole situation, everything about him. 

“you should know better than anyone that this was always going to happen.”

she smiled weakly at him and looked around. her hands pushed up her arms and she held herself tight. if he could stop staring at her so damn hard, maybe she’d feel okay.

“i just always thought it’d be with me.”

she shook her head and closed her eyes. 

with me. his words echoed in her head. over and over again. with me, with him. the two of them together in harmony. that was the life they always dreamed of. she had left it behind when he’d split her heart in two but it was clear he hadn’t. 

“do you honestly think my life starts and ends with you?”

a single tear fell down her cheek but she was quick to wipe it away.

“i-i, i don’t mean it like that.”

“no you say that but everything else that has come out of your mouth truly makes me believe that you think i eat, sleep and breathe you.”

she looked at him for a few moments before turning around to start walking back up the hill. she didn’t think he had anything more to say and she was fine with that. she didn’t want the last memory she’d have at their place to be an argument with him but it was seemingly going that way.

“i know you’re leaving this place because of me.”

he had followed her a few steps and when she turned around to face him, they were barely a foot apart. she was angry now.

“you know that that’s not true.”

she shook her head and held her hands up.

“you were the one good thing i had about this place. the one thing.”

she poked at his chest and raised her voice. he hadn’t seen her like this, well, ever. she wasn’t just angry. this wasn’t her angry. the worst part was, this was the most he’d seen her upset about what happened between them. about what he did to her.

“you were the only thing that was good about this city. everyone else was just someone who didn’t matter or would only matter until the end of high school, though of course, i was thinking it would be university at the time. no one mattered to me more than you and every time i’ve come back here-”

she paused to swallow the frog in her throat. it was getting hard to speak and her eyes were watering. but she was brave and met his sweet honey eyes. that would help her. it always did.

“every time i’ve come back here, i’ve been flooded with good memories of you. of us. you’re not the reason i’m leaving. if anything, you’re the reason i kept coming back long after i was finished here.”

a tear split from his right eye and she almost reached up to wipe it away. why were they so damn connected?

“why now?”

he shook his head as his voice cracked. he needed to know. nothing about her was his business but yet he needed to know everything. 

“i think you already know.”

with that, she turned on her heel and walked back up the hill. he didn’t follow her, just watched her walk away. it hurt to see her leave but he didn’t have anything to say and she didn’t either. he walked back down the hill and sat down next to his guitar. he waited all of four minutes before he yelled into the empty air. it was dark out now and his light was dimming. he turned it off, it was dying anyway.

her name glowed in the moonlight. bright and warm and a perfect excuse for him to smile. but he didn’t want to smile. she was leaving. that was all that mattered. she was leaving and there was nothing else he could do or think about. he’d ruined every chance he’d ever had with her. 

her car door closing interrupted the still air. her car was much warmer than the air outside but it somehow still managed to raise the hairs on the back of her neck and the goosebumps up and down her arms. she didn’t say anything or think anything. she barely even breathed. 

all she did was put her car in reverse and leave. she went five minutes, driving down the roads she knew so well before the tears began to stream down her face. her bottom lip trembled and whimpers she tried to suppress slipped out.

turning into the cherry diners parking lot felt like coming home. she found her park and took the time to dry her tears. her mind was still a mess. thoughts were incomplete, stumped and all about him.

she hated it. she hated it more because there was no one she could talk to about it. there was no one she could call, no one she could see face-to-face. everything that had happened with him had been a secret. she could never tell anyone, she didn’t want to tell anyone. 

she’d never wished so hard to have someone who understood. she wanted someone who knew what he thought and what he felt and why to talk to. scrolling through her contacts, she found the one person she thought might know at least one answer to all the questions she had. hitting the call button was easy.

“i know this is out of the blue and i’m really sorry but i-”

she cut herself off with a deep, shaky breath.

“i just need to talk to someone who knows.”

[silentfangirlwritings]

03 - candyfloss clouds

after a rough day, two friends take some time out of town to watch the clouds

pairing: unnamed, (zion kuwonu x reader)(same as indigo elevators & cherry diners)

word count: 2.8k

~~~

she preferred to be here. laying in the field, the world was silent. there were no cars driving by, no people yelling or even just walking by. occasionally, she’d hear an animal off in the distance or the wind would blow through the trees. but that was nature and she was in peace.

she wasn’t sure how long she’d been laying there for but it has been a while. the sun had stretched across the sky and was much closer to her than when she first arrived. regardless of the wind and the temperature lowering, she remained a ball of warmth. she was favoured by apollo, she smiled. it was a silly thought but one she was perfectly happy to entertain.

she was watching a cat float across the sky when a shadowed figure came into her vision. at first, it was just out of her sight, but then a head popped out and blocked her entire view of the sky. he was the only thing she could see and it made her stomach twist.

he smiled down at her but the lines in his forehead revealed his anxieties. she was nervous to see him. she wasn’t in the mood to talk or be around anyone. even him. 

“how’d you know i was here?”

it was a silly question, she realised, after she spoke it aloud. but she had to ask. his reply would make her feel a little better. it always did. he always did.

“i know you, remember?”

he crouched down beside her as he spoke, teasing her just a little. her eyes followed his movements while he made himself comfortable. he sat a bit away from her but when he laid his head down, he was directly next to her. it seemed a little less daunting, just having his head beside her. more intimate too.

she waited for him to say something or ask her a question. she half expected him to. instead, he stayed quiet with his eyes turned to the sky. she couldn’t take her eyes off of him at that moment. she examined that way his skin glowed under the afternoon sun and the slight pout of his perfectly plump lips. she really liked his nose from where she laid as well. she’d never seen his side profile like this before.

“i see a bunny.”

his arm was raised as he pointed directly above their heads. she followed his gaze and giggled at the floppy ears that were perfectly shaped in the clouds. her eyes scanned the clouds and she pointed off to her left.

“it’s a desk lamp.”

they laid there for a while just pointing out clouds and otherwise laying in silence. neither of them could deny the burning questions he had for her but he only spoke of the clouds. he wasn’t really turning his head to look at her either which made her feel weird and anxious. she was glad he was following where she pointed to find the figures she saw in the clouds.

“that one looks like a first gen ipod with the earbuds sitting beside it.”

it was to his left and her right and though he followed her index finger, he couldn’t see it. what he did see was much more exciting for him.

“nah, that looks more like an alien with an umbilical cord stuck to his foot.”

he chuckled at his own comment and turned his head to look at her, thinking she’d be smiling at his comment. he wasn’t expecting to see tears rolling down her cheeks, their trails glowing in the evening sun.

“hey.”

he cooed softly as he rolled onto his side, his head propped up on his hand.

“what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”

she tried to laugh at what he’d said but it only made her cry more. she covered her face with her sleeve-covered hands and closed her eyes tight. she was going to will this feeling away. she didn’t want him to see her like this. she didn’t like crying in front of him, even after all these years.

“i don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

she half-laughed, half-cried and kept her hands covering her face. he smiled sadly down at her and started to rub circles on her forehead with his thumb. he wasn’t sure why but he enjoyed it and it usually calmed her.

“you can talk to me, y’know?”

she laughed again and removed her hands from her face, glancing over the sleeves that covered them. they were wet with her tears and that, for the strangest reason, made her laugh some more. 

“i can’t talk to you about this unless you promise you’re not gonna go try to fight someone.”

she watched as his jaw tensed and his eyebrows furrowed. he was distressed. contemplating what the right thing was for him to do. he gave himself a few moments and then nodded his head, agreeing with her. she could see his hesitation in his honey brown eyes but she was thankful all the same.

she didn’t say anything for a moment or two. her eyes returned to her sleeves and to the sky. she let the thoughts in her mind order themselves and took a deep breath. it was an unsteady release, a physical reflection of the silver blur of her eyes. it wasn’t a fun story, she made that clear just from the way she laid. 

she didn’t want to have to say it aloud but she knew she’d feel better if she did. he was her comforter. the one person in her life who could help her come back down when she was stuck floating in the clouds. his hands stopped the wind from blowing her back and forth. his voice reasoned with the thoughts that fogged her vision. his eyes helped her recentre her heart and mind. and his lips kissed the tears off of her cheeks.

her recount of her day was hard to begin with but once she started, she didn’t stop. people had been rude, made sly comments as she passed them on her way to maths. it wasn’t completely unusual, unfortunately. people could be unnecessarily rude and it seemed like a target had been placed on her back. sometimes, she thought it was because of her friendship with him. jealousy in teenagers very rarely resulted in kindness.

she’d left abruptly after maths. she was already having a bad day and they’d pushed her too far out of her comfort zone. it made sense to run off. she didn’t need to hear someone else talk badly about her and her body or the way she looked. it had opened that flood gate she was constantly pushing to keep closed. one comment from someone else set a dribble free, another forced them all to be released.

she started citing them aloud. the cruel thoughts that fuelled her insecurities were said as if they were nothing but they shocked him. she’d been doing much better recently. though her insecurities were still present, they had lessened. she’d been saying nice things about herself and he’d watched quietly, proudly. to see it all fall away simply because someone who meant nothing was heartbreaking. and he couldn’t just sit beside her and let her speak so horridly about herself.

his solution was simple. he closed the space between them and kissed her. it felt right, having his lips on hers and for a few, sweet blissful seconds, she surrendered to him. but then she pushed him away, her hand pressed firmly to his chest. she bolted up and took two steps back.

“i-i i’m sorry.”

he stood as he stuttered out an apology.

“i don’t really know why i did that.”

she looked at him for a moment before her gaze fell to her hands. she fiddled with the hem of her sleeves and shook her head.

“you can’t do that, caleb. you can’t just kiss me every time someone makes me feel bad.”

every time, she said every time. she did remember that one night in the summer when she’d had one too many to drink. she hadn’t mentioned it before so he assumed she didn’t remember, or didn’t believe it to be real. but she did. her memory was crystal clear and it was a nice moment. until now. 

“i wasn’t kissing you because you were feeling bad.”

it wasn’t a complete lie. he did kiss her because she was talking bad about herself. but he wanted to stop her, cut off her train of thought completely. she could go on for too long and say things she wasn’t even thinking if he let her. and he couldn’t. not because a few people at that school said something. not even because of herself.

“forgive me for not believing you on that one.”

she scoffed and shook her head again. she began to walk to the picnic table with her arms folded over her chest. he followed a few steps behind her, watching her every move carefully. he was trying to figure out what the right thing to say was.

what he really wanted to do was kiss her again but she had to know before he did that it wasn’t for some silly reason. she had to know that he often wanted to simply kiss her. that sometimes it was all he could think about.

she had to know that he’d gone to lunch some hours before wanting to do nothing but kiss her. he couldn’t find her anywhere despite knowing she had come that day and he started to panic. it took him forever to realise she wasn’t at school and it ignited something inside him. he wanted to see her, almost needed to. 

he burned for her in a way that was simple. he loved her. he just needed her to know that without scaring her off. but he’d never been all too good with his words. not like this.

“i think about kissing you all the time.”

she was standing on the bench about to sit on the surface of the table when he spoke. she paused midair and took a few beats before turning to look at him, now standing straight. her expression was rather blank, unreadable. just not to him. he could read her like a book.

she knew.

she could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. he wasn’t very good at hiding it. there was something so pure about it, like it was the most innocent thought in the world. she hated it almost as much as she loved it. 

she hated it because she didn’t feel worthy. her best friend was someone many desired. he was a smooth talker, a good looker, and had the voice of an angel. given the chance, many would line up before him and ask him for just a piece of his time. he could have anyone he wanted and yet, for some strange and unknown reason, he wanted her.

she loved it too. that was much harder to admit. she loved that he saw her as someone more than just a friend. loved that there was always the possibility that those silly little fantasies she occasionally entertains, the ones where they’re much older and live far, far away and share a bed, he might be entertaining them too. it made her feel much less alone. much less silly when he looked at her in a way she knew he only looked at her. 

she didn’t say anything to him, but she sat down on the table and buried her head in her hands. he looked at her for a moment, trying to see what was happening. when her shoulders began to shake, he was beside her in moments, his arm wrapped around her, pulling her into his chest.

he didn’t say anything as she cried into him. he rubbed her back and rested his head on hers. he resisted the urge to kiss her hair and let her have her cry. this was not the way he saw this moment going, the moment where he confessed he was in love with her. he knew he needed to pause it for another time. she wasn’t ready yet.

“i think you could easily be my person.”

her voice was broken but strong. she wiped her eyes with the edges of her sleeve and leant forward into her legs. she didn’t turn to look at him. instead, she watched the wind blow through the trees in front of them.

“where’s the ‘but’?”

she laughed, though she stopped herself quickly. it was one of those laughs that’s hiding the pain of the moment. her flushed cheeks and trembling lip told him more than that though. he didn’t know who she was protecting more in that moment, him or her.

“but i’m not ready.”

she looked down quickly, holding back tears as she shook her head.

“i love you, i do.”

her confession made him tense and he drew in a tight breath. he could cry at that moment. he didn’t want her to say but again. he didn’t want her to say anything more than what she’d just said.

“but how am i supposed to love you as someone more than a friend if i can’t love myself? there’s a lot i have to get through before i can accept the idea that someone like you would ever want someone like me like this.”

“i understand.”

he did. sort of. 

“can you promise me something?”

he nodded his head without a second thought. he’d promise her anything and everything in a heartbeat. 

“wait for me, please.”

she whispered the last word but he heard her loud and clear.

“i’ll wait as long as you need me to. i promise.”

she smiled weakly at him and turned her body so she was facing him. she looked at him and very carefully leant forward and pressed a kiss to both sides of his mouth. when she pulled back he smiled brightly at her.

“thank you.”

he looked at her for a moment and let his mind run with thoughts. he wanted her to kiss him again but properly, on the lips. feeling her so close to him made his lips tingle and his heart race. he’d wait forever just to feel her lips on his again.

“you got that pen i gave you for christmas still?”

she looked at him with furrowed brows for a moment before slipping her hand into her pocket.

“i don’t go anywhere without it. why?”

she showed it to him and he smiled. it was a beautiful pen and he’d done well choosing it for her the year before. he held his hand out to her and smirked a little. he had an idea.

“pass it.”

she gave it to him and watched as he used it against the surface they were sitting on. he shielded his writing with his hand and she laughed. it took him less than a minute to permanently alter the picnic table forever and once he finished he sat up proud and let her see it. 

she read his message and smiled widely. a single tear rolled down her cheek before she stood up and wrapped her arms around him. he closed his eyes as he embraced her. her hugs were always the best. she just felt perfect against him. and warm. she was always so warm.

“we should get going.”

he glanced at his watch. the sun was beginning to set and he had no doubt they had parents worried about them. he hadn’t mentioned to anyone where he was going when he left school. he was more than sure she’d be in a similar boat. especially because she ditched half the school day. 

“how did you get here?”

she paused on the way to her car and stared at him. they were a little way out of the city and he didn’t have his license. she wasn’t even sure any of his other friends had a license. 

“bused halfway then walked the rest.”

he shrugged and kept walking while she stared after him. she was surprised but thankful. she didn’t really have anyone who would go out of their way for her like he did. she wasn’t sure she even wanted anyone to do something like that for her other than him. 

“are you coming?” 

he called out to her from the car, his arms thrown up in the air. she rolled her eyes and jogged over to him. he smiled at her and she smiled right back at him, both of them golden in the fading sun. 

there were many unspoken words between them but it wasn’t anything they weren’t used to. just now, they knew, without a doubt, that there was a love between them that ran much deeper than friendship.

[silentfangirlwritings]

02 - cherry diners

two friends escape from studying for the night 

pairings: unnamed - (zion kuwonu & reader, same as indigo elevators)

word count: 2.9k

~~~

the chill that had been hovering over the city for the last week had finally fallen. evidence of a mythical creature coated every blade of grass and every window panes in the neighbourhood. it was getting cold again and the thrill of summer had vanished in his mind.

it had been a good summer. a great one. the days were always long and filled with laughter and memories he could fill notebooks with. the nights were spent surrounded by friends and getting into mischief that he’d one day treasure. late night swims and public drinking only happened in the summer, the rest could be year-round occurrences. but those late night swims were what he spent the most time pondering.

his pen tapped against the hardwood of his desk and his gaze turned to his beige wall. his mind was far from the science he was supposed to be studying. his mind was far from schoolwork entirely. he could almost feel the sand beneath his feet, almost taste the sea spray on his lips. would these be the midnight memories he’d miss the most?

he released a long held breath and lowered his gaze to the paper before him. this was the final chapter he needed to get done and then he’d be finished for the night. he was only one page in but reminding himself it was the last of it was the only thing keeping him going. the red led lights of his alarm clock flashed as a warning. he put his head down.

all of ten minutes passed and he had his head tilted up to the ceiling. an exasperated groan departed his lungs and he swore under his breath. he wanted something else to do. no. needed something else to do. but he was tied to his chair and his phone locked away in another room. he was stuck there.

another ten minutes and he had his forehead pressed to the desk. his lips moved as if he were talking but nothing came out. he stayed like that and let time tick by until he was satisfied. when he lifted his head, his eyes found a design fingered into the frost that covered the outside of his window.

he smiled his charming smile and bolted out of his chair, the ties suddenly broken. he crossed the room in a split second and pulled his window up. the icy breeze circled his room and nipped at his nose but he didn’t care. he just wanted to see where she was. just wanted to see her face.

she popped up after a moment of him looking and flashed him her pearly whites. her breath was just visible in the icy air of the evening. her cheeks and the tip of her nose were rosey and her eyes glossy. he had no idea how long she’d been outside for but he knew it was more than a few minutes.

“are you just going to stare at me or am i allowed in?”

she giggled as he stepped aside to let her climb in. he hushed her and she nodded her head. this wasn’t the first time she’d climbed in his window and probably wouldn’t be the last. ever since she got her driver’s license the month before it had almost become routine.  

“why are you here?”

his voice was low to not attract the attention of his mother or younger brother. they were close enough to hear if they spoke at their normal volume but he’d found the perfect tone and volume. she mirrored it perfectly.

“you haven’t replied to my texts in four hours. i had to make sure you were still alive.”

he smiled again. he smiled a lot around her.

she walked to his desk, her footsteps almost silent, and looked over his notes. her index finger dragged over his boyish handwriting with her eyebrows furrowed together. he awaited the brazen remark about his scripture but it never came.

“you’re basically done.”

she took a yellow sticky note from the pad and stuck it to the side of his science book. he watched her pick up his pen and write something on it. he tried to take a step closer to see what she was writing but she waved him off. when she was done, she closed the book and walked to his wardrobe.

“i’m not done though.”

he protested a few beats too late. she was the distraction, the escape he’d been praying for.  but the scholar in her wouldn’t be so impressed if he didn’t at least pretend to care that he was abandoning his studies. she didn’t pay him much mind, just offered him his favourite hoodie.

“i don’t get my phone until i’m finished.”

she didn’t react to his words but walked back to his desk. she found a spare sheet of paper under his books and again picked up his pen. he put his hoodie and shoes on while she wrote. she showed it to him when she was done and he snuffed a laugh.

“you’re lucky my mom likes you.”

she winked at him and he smiled. he couldn’t help but smile. 

“cmon then, we don’t have all night.”

she was out the window before he could ask where they were going. he followed after her and made sure his window was open just enough for him to get back in but not too much that his room would turn into a freezer. he grinned one last time at her drawing before chasing after her. she was always walking too fast.

she’d parked a few houses down from his place. he knew it was because his mom knew her car and if she saw it, she’d know her son was no longer under her roof. she was careful like that. she took notice of things that he wouldn’t usually. it made him feel safe in her presence. it also meant if he ever thought of doing something illegal, he wanted her with him. 

her car was much like you’d expect for a 16 year old who had only just gotten her license. it was, in the kindest way, a load of heap. it needed a new paint job, had several dents from its previous owner and its breaks were incredibly squeaky. but she, because all cars are female, was perfect in her eyes. she hadn’t fully set on a name yet, but she’d been consistently calling her pumpkin for a week and a half. 

the radio, though in tack, was rough around the edges. static wasn’t uncommon and though she got local stations, there was never anything that either of them truly loved playing. the solution was often impromptu acapella karaoke parties while she drove them to wherever it was they needed to be. but that night was different. instead of singing one direction’s discography at the top of their lungs, they sat in a comfortable silence.

“where are we going?”

she shook her head and offered him a smile. she wasn’t going to tell him. she liked taking him on little adventures, keeping things a secret. it was how they found their spot. it was why they were such good friends. 

“you haven’t eaten, have you?”

he shook his head no and she grinned.

“good.”

he fell a step or two behind her as she led the way. he hadn’t been around this area in a long time and the establishment they were approaching had not been there before. it looked new or as new as a retro-themed diner could be. there was a decent amount of people gathered and eating. she found a booth off to the corner and picked up a menu from the countertop.

“nothing says retro like cherry red booths.”

he chuckled to himself and she opened the menu. they sat across from one another her legs pulled up under her while he spread himself. they were comfortable. the last place they’d gone to eat had terrible seats. the whole time they were there, they were switching their positions and complaining about sore butts. 

the smell of fresh coffee and maple syrup was like a warm hug. it was familiar in a way that most diners or cafes were but it felt different here. here, it felt airly like home to him. though maybe that had more to do with the girl sitting across the table from him. he let his eyes drag over her face slowly as she inspected the menu. he spent more time on her lips than any other feature. he wished to trace them with his thumb and if he were ever given a pencil and asked to draw her, he knew he’d get her lips perfect.

when her eyes lifted from the menu and met his, he quickly went to pluck the menu from her hands. she somehow anticipated his actions and moved it away before he could even touch it. he shouldn’t have been surprised but he was only trying to cover up his staring. 

“i’m choosing what we’re eating tonight.”

 the smile she gave him suggested she was up to something, her eyes lowered slightly. she was the best holder of secrets he’d ever met. it seemed he was the only one ever able to read her like a book.

a waitress interrupted his train of thought. he pulled himself to sit straight and turned his head to smile. she was an older woman, closer to his grandmother's age than his moms. she returned his smile and switched between the two of them, waiting for one of the teenagers to speak.

he wondered what she thought of them. did she see them as a couple? or were they obviously only friends? could she feel the tug-of-war between them? did she know he wanted more than she would even think to let him have? the thought was so enticing, he almost didn’t catch what she was ordering. just because his eyes were trained to her didn’t mean he was paying attention to what she was saying.

she moved in slow motion. her eyes following her index finger of her right hand as it danced down the menu. her head was tilted up, her jaw protruding and her neck exposed. her lips fell open in a perfect pout, her rosy lip tint so subtle and perfect for her brown skin. the corners of her mouth pulled back into a smile and she turned to face him.

“are you two kids here on a date?”

the thoughts that were so often flying around his head landed at her words. his neck burned and his throat tightened. he tried to push out an answer, shake off the words she’d said and set the record straight but it all got caught. it seems it wasn’t just her who got him flustered, but waitresses in their late 50’s too.

“yes.”

her answer threw him off as did the hand that reached across the table to rest upon his own. she threw him a wink and he gulped. his stomach was so tight and his neck was so, so hot. she wanted him to play along. he needed to speak with no such stutter. this was where they had fun. this was where they soared.

“i still can’t believe it’s been six whole months since we rekindled.”

he spoke in a believable tone of desire and blind excitement. he smiled at her convincingly too but that was easy. he didn’t have to pretend she was a dream. she returned the same smile, her head tilted to the right as her eyes glazed over. it was love. he wouldn’t think twice.

“it would’ve been our one year.”

she added as he raised her hand to press a delicate kiss to her knuckles. a jolt of electricity shot through him when his lips touched her skin. 

“had we not slept with each other's best friend, that is.”

she turned her gaze back to the waitress and smiled that brilliant smile. he had to bite back a laugh at the look on her face. my, it was priceless. he almost felt sorry. she looked horrified, but only for a second. she pulled a smile onto her painted red lips and her eyebrows fell when she took the menu from their table.

once she had stepped away, both of them fell into giggles. he let go of her hand and watched as she drew it back to rest on top of her left hand. unconsciously, her thumb ran over her knuckles where his lips had just touched. the calm sense they’d both kept while playing a part had left and both their cheeks were flushed pink.

“what did you order?”

he’d missed what she’d ordered completely. she didn’t look too impressed, maybe a little amused. especially with the smile that was resting on her lips. she was going to make fun of him, he was just waiting for it. 

“the cherry booths too loud for you?”

she teased and her eyes turned to the seats. they were very loud, he couldn’t deny it. but he wasn’t going to confess overwise.

“just a tad.”

he made a gesture with his index and thumb and she grinned.

“pancakes and waffles.”

the answer to his question made him smirk.

she liked the idea of breakfast for dinner. always had. the first time he’d had dinner with her family, he was served a plate of chocolate chip pancakes with butter and maple syrup. he’d laughed and thanked her parents but questioned her a little. since then, they did it fairly regularly. it was nice, something out of the ordinary for him.

“i should’ve guessed. i know you way too well.”

she smiled. he really liked it when she smiled.

“you do know me too well.”

it was true and he almost laughed. 

he’d never really thought about it before. well, maybe not as in depth as he did while they were eating. they’d been friends for a while, years actually. he could barely remember a time when she wasn’t by his side. or a time when she hadn’t made his day brighter, his night sweeter or his life better. she was, without a doubt, his best friend. he wasn’t sure he’d ever thought that before.

“i think you’re my best friend.”

they were on the way back to his house. the sun was just shy of disappearing, only a few strands of orange and red visible on the horizon. it lit his skin golden and brought out the lighter tones of his brown eyes. he barely noticed her take a picture of him.

“aye, no phone while you’re driving.”

he made a grab for her phone and she moved her hand but not fast enough. she groaned and tried to reached for it but he slapped the top of her hand. 

“and two hands on the steering wheel, cmon now.”

he could basically hear her roll her eyes. it made him snort. he was never the one to point out the right thing to do. he liked the roles being reversed. he understood why she was the one always warning people. it could be fun.

“i think you’re my best friend too.”

she replied after a few moments of silence, two hands on the wheel at two and ten. he grinned at her statement but turned his head, he didn’t want her to see his reaction. he stayed looking out the window for the rest of the drive home. he was beginning to feel mundane the closer they got.

he plopped down in his office chair right as the last sliver of daylight disappeared into the ground. he flicked his office lamp on and scanned over his science book, dreading opening it once again. but he smiled when he flicked it open to the page he’d left off at. 

on the sticky note that marked his place, she’d drawn a doddlebob with a plate of waffles in hand. she really knew how to make him smile, and the good kind of smile. the ones that reach your heart and soul. he was so damn lucky to have her in his life and he knew it. he knew it didn’t get much better than her, that she was a one-in-a-million. even at his age he knew that people like her didn’t come round so often. 

so, he was happy. so, so happy that he almost didn’t mind getting back to studying. in fact, he put his head down and worked with ease. no distractions, no thoughts other than those about the work in front of him. he was back on focus and almost enjoying it. 

“there’s dinner downstairs when you’re finished.”

his mom had come into his room and smiled when she’d seen him sitting at his desk still. she rested her hands on his shoulders and kissed the top of his head.

“thanks momma. i could eat after all this.”

she didn’t say anything else just began to leave his room, picking up an empty plate as she went. he was sure he was fine, that his lie had passed her radar. he’d have to try and eat some of her food, even though he was completely stuffed. 

“how was the food at cherry’s? i was thinking it’d be nice for us to all go.”

“it was-”

he started but stood up quickly, turning to look at his mom. she smiled at him and winked before walking out of his room, pulling the door closed behind her. he was in a bit of disbelief and snorted. it was really only her his mother would excuse his sneaking off for. he didn’t know why but his mom loved her as if she were her own.

[silentfangirlwritings]

my favourite pictures of zion 🥺🥺

[silentfangirlwritings]

i am ✨obsessed✨

retrowave × prettymuch

☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ

(All this screen time's entertainin'. But your feelings always get in the way. So complex like constellations, But you're the only one that I wanna chase)

[silentfangirlwritings]

Zion in~ stars ⭐️

[silentfangirlwritings]

omg i love this so much 🥺🥺

Love core × caleb zion kuwonu

( well- cuz I did NOt post any moodboard for like idek a week lol 💀 but y'all can't blame me okay I'm a lazy BItCh aNYWaYSSsss this was requested by anny 🥺 and ik this sucks like really really really really bad becuz just it's bad hejwj but here ya go)

[silentfangirlwritings]

aw thank you🥺 that means so much to me

your blog theme is so cute omg ☁ i'm obsessed🥺

Ajejekwow thank you buba nd girly I just read your fic. Holy shit- ur such an amazing writer. That shit made a bitch cry 🥺.

[silentfangirlwritings]

hi hi, im new to tumblr but not this whole fangirling thingy. i have some pieces i wanted to put somewhere but wattpad sort of scares me so i thought this would be a nice place. i probably wont post much but i thought why not🤍

[silentfangirlwritings]

01. indigo elevators

exes cross paths at a gathering and share an elevator ride.

pairing: unnamed - (zion kuwonu & reader)

word count: 3.6k

~~~

blue and white fairy lights lined the hallway from the elevator to the main room. he’d seen photos of his friends apartment before but in person, he couldn’t help but marvel. he could imagine her scooting a step ladder up and down the hallway in an attempt to do it all alone. it was a funny thought, though her short frame and fiery independence made a lot of his thoughts about her funny.

it was only supposed to be a chill night with a mixture of her high school and university friends to celebrate her half birthday, a tradition that was once confusing was now the norm. he hadn’t wished her a 'happy birthday' since they’d first met and he’d never met someone to be so happy and okay with it.  

the main area was filtered with the same white and blue lights as her hallway. they illuminated her white furniture and created the illusion that they were floating. the smoke that hung above encouraged his mind in that direction as did the quiet sounds of sabrina claudio.  

he joined the crowd after placing his gift on her kitchen counter and was handed a blunt while his friend introduced him to those he didn’t know. he greeted everyone with his stunning smile and took a hit after saying his name. conversation picked up straight where it left off and he half listened as he scanned over those who were crowded around him. he knew most from high school, all were familiar, kind faces and he guessed he was the last to arrive.

how he wished that was true.

she came in silently, not announcing her presence in the room till she was kissing the friend they were all there to celebrate. people were excited to see her, like him, they hadn’t seen her since high school. but he just sat and stared at her, his gaze hidden by his blond curtains.  

all the warmth in his body had suddenly disappeared and he was numb to touch and the laughter that ran around. he’d been warned she’d been invited just as he had but it’d been so long since they were in the same city, let alone country, at the same time, he guessed she wouldn’t show up. last he’d seen she was in europe, sipping on a glass of red wine.

truthfully, he’d hoped she’d be there. he was the only one she hadn’t had contact with since high school came to an end. he knew she was talking to everyone else, sharing tales of her time abroad with them, but never had she reached out to him. he didn’t want to quiz her on why, he knew why, but he just wanted to know if she was good. if she was happy.  

all his stalking on social media couldn’t have prepared him for the woman that was sat across from him. she’d changed over the years and had evolved into the woman she’d spend her days reading about. her wardrobe had gone from someone who wanted to be hidden, to someone who didn’t mind attention.  

from her instagram he knew she was no stranger to showing off the parts of her that were once only known to him. the curves of her body had matured as had her face. he’d always joked she’d look like a baby till she had one of her own and it seemed he’d been very wrong while she’d been spot on. the girl he’d once known inside and out had morphed into someone he knew nothing about and only when his vision clouded did he move to tear his gaze away from her.

the night went on with talk of their past and dancing. it was easy to compare it to old times. the only difference was that they didn’t have to keep it a secret from their parents.  

she’d yet to acknowledge his presence, somehow never once turning in his direction no matter where he moved. from the kitchen, he watched her dance on their friend they were celebrating. he’d always loved the control she had over her hips and he could see she still had it. if anything, her control had only gotten better. why that made him mad, he was unsure.

“maybe you should talk to her instead of just staring at her?”

his friend, the only one who knew everything that had happened between them, joined him in the kitchen.  he grabbed a handful of chips from the bowl he was hovering over and followed his gaze to her.  

“don’t have anything to say.”

or was it that he had too much to say?

he had no trust in himself. would he actually be able to say anything if he got a moment alone with her? or would he just stand there staring at her, his mouth dry like the desert?

he didn’t want to think what it would be like if it went the opposite way. word vomit wasn’t pretty on him and if he were to spill his guts to her, he wasn’t sure he’d ever forgive himself.  

either way, he’d just end up embarrassing himself which was why he decided it was best he avoided her for the night. he could stare from afar, admire the beautiful woman she’d become but he couldn’t get too close.  

2:47 am rolled around rather quickly and he was getting ready to leave. things had settled and he wished his friend a happy half birthday one last time, hugging her tight as if he wasn’t going to see her again. she whispered words of love and appreciation, thanking him for being consistent in her life, even when things got hard. he left her with a kiss on the head and a promise to be safe, saying one last time that he loved her.  

the elevator dinged as it opened and he pulled his jacket on over his hoodie as he stepped inside. he pushed the ground floor with his elbow, still not trusting the cleanliness of the buttons despite his friend’s promises.  

the indigo haze of the mirrored walls was just as relaxing as those in her apartment.  he leant his body against the back wall and let his head fall back with his eyes closed.  he’d made it through, he realized with a sigh of relief. the doors were closing and if he was lucky, he wouldn’t have to face her again.  he didn’t want to feel the way he felt when he looked at her again. he’d made it.

“fuck.”

one swear word and the reopening of the doors brought him back to the real world. his luck had never been that good, why would he trust it to be when she was so close? he should have known better.

her gaze avoided his as she stepped into the elevator. she positioned herself on the opposite wall, leaning against it as she began to put her jacket on. he watched her and studied her side profile. her perfume surrounded him as the doors closed. she smelled sweet. notes of vanilla relaxing his tensed shoulders like her hands used to.

he hadn’t felt her touch in many moons but being stuck in a small space with her for 24 floors had him craving it. why did their friend have to live so high up? and was the elevator moving exceptionally slow? he failed every attempt to look away from her. she looked far too pretty in the odd lighting and her head tilted towards the wall left her neck vulnerable. he wanted to kiss her, to taste her, to see what else had changed over the years. could she still take him to cloud 9 with a single touch?

“do you ever think about me?”

he spoke before he could stop himself, his voice coming out strained and weak. they’d just passed the 20th floor.  

she turned to face him, leaning back against the wall, much like he was. for the first time since they were 17, their eyes met. she still reminded him of honey and her eyelashes were still dark and long, framing her eyes in the most perfect way. 

she didn’t speak as she stared up at him. he could see she was tired and he guessed that she hadn’t been back in the country long. the sadness in her eyes came through in a flash and once he’d noticed it, his eyes mirrored it.

“i still think about you. all the time.”

she forced a smile, her lips tight but nothing reached her eyes.

“i seen you’ve been overseas too. living like you always talked about.”

he rubbed the back of his neck when he spoke, his eyes following her arms as they crossed over her chest. he was talking now, even if he was the only one to speak. there were things he’d spent years wishing he’d said to her and he knew he wasn’t going to get an opportunity this perfect again. so, he cleared his throat and made sure to keep eye contact. clear head, open heart, can’t go wrong.

“i know things ended weirdly between us but i just wanna say that i’m sorry, for real, no bullshit. what i did was immature and wrong and i don’t think like that any more. i really am sorry.”

he paused, hoping she’d say something. but still she stood with her eyebrows raised, her lips softened in a thoughtless pout though he knew she had her tongue between her teeth. she always did when she was listening, thinking about what to say next. too many times he’d caught her off guard with his lips on hers and found how she was.

“i’ve been missin’ you a lot, even more being back home and i was- i was wondering if you wanted to catch up sometime.”

his voice cracked, he wasn’t expecting it to but it did. she drew in a deep breath, her chest rising and falling slowly. he was beginning to feel the heat of her gaze, thoughts that he hadn’t said the right thing echoed throughout his mind.

some years ago, he would’ve known how she’d react. they were close friends long before they were intimate with one another. he could guess the next sentence out of her mouth before she even thought it and she was the same for him. joined at the hip, teachers and parents would always say. one night, he’d overheard his mom tell his dad that they seemed to be two people who were always destined to find one another as there was no way they hadn’t known each other in a previous life.

he’d believed those words, even after he made the mistake that tore them apart. he always knew one day he’d find his way back to her and he’d thought that she’d accept his apology and wish to rekindle what they had spent years building.

his life was just a little bit less without her. it didn’t take a grown man to realize that. he’d known it from the first day the truth had been brought to light. in many ways, he felt like he was merely wandering through life till their paths crossed again. he wanted to give her space, everyone said it would be best.  

he needed that space too. his 'sorry' meant something this time, unlike the last. she’d heard the paper in his voice, the sour feeling that he was only saying it because that was what you did when you hurt someone not because he was actually sorry. he hoped she heard the sorrow in his words. felt the importance of them, that he really meant them. not a day had passed by without regret of what he did. surely, she could hear it. she knew him so well.

“well.”

she began, her voice quiet and unfamiliar. she wasn’t warm as she used to be. her voice was still sweet but icy with an edge that spun his head. but then she laughed and everything truly felt wrong.

“after all these years.”

she shook her head and laughed again, looking down at her shoes before turning back to him. he rocked his body weight back and forth between his feet, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable under her gaze. her voice wasn’t what it had always been or at least not how he remembered it. he was facing the deafening thought that he’d forgotten how she sounded after only a few years apart.

“i told myself i wasn’t gonna talk to you, fuck.”

she cut herself off with a shake of her head, clearly thinking out loud. she checked what level they were at, not even bothering to hide her gaze from him. he looked too. floor 17, how was time moving so slow?

she looked back at him again, their eyes meeting and she leant back against the wall. she unfolded her arms from across her chest to shift her hair from her left shoulder to her right. a heavy sigh fell from her lips when she turned back to him. with a single nod of her head, he knew she was ready to speak again.

“a year ago i would’ve been in tears to see you again. even a couple months ago i would’ve been a mess to come face to face with you. but i’m not crying, not yet anyway.”

she glanced again at the light above the door that told them what level they were on. they still had a long way to go and she wanted it to go faster. she didn’t like being this close to him again.  

“i want you to know that i forgave you long ago, even though i knew you didn’t mean it. dwelling on something like that doesn’t make someone better, it just makes them bitter. i forgave you then, and i forgive you now.”

he nodded his head to her, his breathing uneven as he broke out in a sad smile. his vision was beginning to blur and his bottom lip jutted out slightly. he was so happy to realise again that he did know her still, that some things didn’t change. but at the same time, his chest was tight and his knees felt weak at the thought of what was to come next. he wasn’t so sure he was going to cope with it.

“but i can’t welcome you back into my life. i can’t speak with you or look at you without feeling sick. i don’t know you anymore caleb and i don’t feel the need to either.”  

but he did. he needed to. what was she up to now? did she have someone to love? was she happy?

did she miss him?  

“we were-we”

he stuttered over his words, unable to stop himself from stepping closer to her. his chest was swelling and his eyes were burning but he was determined to speak.

“we were so good together. we were meant to walk this earth together.”

she dragged her thumb over his cheekbone, ridding him of the silver droplets he’d let fall. her smile was sympathetic and encouraged a choked sob to escape his heart.

“we were.”

she agreed with a short nod of her head. he could feel it coming again and it took everything in him to not reach out and hold her, to embrace her.

“were is the keyword in all you’re saying. we were but we’re not anymore.”

it was her that brought him closer. her left hand fell to his waist and ushered his body forward.  his forehead fell to meet hers, just as he’d done many times before and her soft hand held the back of his neck.

“we could be again, i know we could. you loved me once, you can again.”

he hated how he sounded, hated that he was crying but he would only for her. with the lasso of hestia wrapped tightly around him, he couldn’t stop himself.  he wanted her, needed her. he missed her in a way that hadn’t been so obvious til he’d laid eyes on her again. he wasn’t even sure he’d ever actually stopped loving her.

“i don’t think i can love you again.”

she spoke clearly, but quietly. each word stabbing directly into his heart.

i. don’t. think. i. can. love. you. again.

his arms wrapped around her and his head fell to her shoulder. she let him cry and rubbed soft circles into the much taller man’s back. he’d never felt smaller. his pleas fell on deaf ears and he knew without her saying anything that if he were ever to see her again he’d be lucky. he held her tight, if it were to be the last time, he wanted to know he held her like she was his world.  

“look at me”

she gently brought his head back up to hers and made sure she had his full attention. his sobs weren’t so violent anymore, he was trying to stop himself and she let him breathe for a moment.

floor 7, she saw out of the corner of her eye and knew what she needed to do.  

she tilted her chin up and all too slowly, their lips met.

it was like a breath of fresh air, being wrapped up in her, connected in the purest sense. he’d always loved her lips, so perfectly sculpted to fit his. she evened his breathing with each passing moment and gifted him with something he hadn’t felt in years. he’d been searching for it, but deep in his heart he knew he would only ever feel it with her.

she parted their lips and almost pushed him off of her to stop his head from leaning against hers. it was something they would always do after they kissed. it presented the perfect opportunity to kiss again and again. as love drunk teenagers, they could never seem to get enough. they were the oxygen the other needed to survive and one kiss was never enough to get through the day.

“why did you-”

“tell me, did you feel something?”

he nodded his head, and she looked away from him. he noticed the look of panic on her face almost instantly. everyone had always said she was the best at hiding how she felt, but he never understood that. sure, her tells were small but anyone who knew her should’ve been able to see them instantly. or was it just another sign to say they were always meant to be?

“well, i didn’t.”

her voice was slightly raised and stern, cold again.

“kissing you used to feel like the universe lived inside me. like i was safe. now, it just feels… nice.”

she smiled sadly up at him again and he nodded his head, unsure of what else to say.  

“maybe it just felt nice too.”

he was lying, he knew it too. but for her, he’d pretend, what if it helped him?

“i know we were always kind of told that we were supposed to be together, that we were destined for one another. but the more i’ve thought about it, i don’t think we were ever supposed to do more than teach each other something. i don’t think you’re the person i’m meant to walk this earth with. i almost know it.”

he just nodded his head again and watched her glance turn to the light that told them what floor they were on. he turned to look too, knowing if he looked at her any longer, he’d end up crying again.  

floor 2. thank the gods above, they were almost there.

“do you want a tissue?”

she was fishing one out of her pocket before he could answer. he took it with a mumble of thanks and moved so they were both facing the door.

the ding of the elevator doors opening felt other worldly and oddly full circle. he’d asked her out in an elevator, he came to realise as he watched the doors open. they’d already kissed a few times but he wanted to take her on a proper date, which at the time was chinese food and a movie at the cinema.  

“wait.”

he said suddenly as she went to leave, his hand grabbing her wrist to stall her movements.

“one last kiss”

he said when she turned back to look at him with concern.

“just one more.”

she nodded her head and stepped back to him. gently, he cupped her face in his large hand, just as he had a million times before and caressed her bottom lip with his thumb. she held his wrists in her hands and their lips met in a burning sensation.

why one last time? he wanted to feel her one last time. he needed to check again to make sure he wasn’t kidding himself, that he actually felt something. he had hope for closure, that he’d finally stop looking at her as the one who got away.

alas, more butterflies awoke inside him, and he burned everywhere she touched. he was in the same place he’d always run off to with her and when she separated from him, he knew it was wrong to go there.

“take care.”

with a wave, she exited the elevator and began her journey in the opposite direction of him. she was gone so quickly while he took his time to gather himself to leave.

in the moonlight, her tears glowed on her cheeks. she needed to get away from him before he could say something else. she was so close to folding. lying through her teeth to him was the hardest thing she’d ever have to do. walking away from him again was the hardest thing she’d ever have to do.

for the first time in the longest time, she’d felt something she craved deep within her. through the cracks of her heart, flower buds began to sprout. she’d mended as much of her heart as she could, but only his love could fill the cracks he’d left behind. he’d planted his seed and with love and kindness, they’d surely blossom and invite the universe back inside her.

but that would only be if she let him back and for now she had no plans to do so.