silverplutos - Tumblr blog

[silverplutos]

im nervous about my first job so im starving for a few days. when i starve, im too exhausted to get anxious. i know it sounds stupid, but im scared i might see someone i know. not that it matters really obviously i have to work with people i just dont want to see anyone who hurt me in the past. i dont know, maybe im overreacting. ill go to bed soon to calm myself down. wish me luck!

7:52pm 3/4/21

[silverplutos]

im ungrateful of the life i live in and i want more. i feel guilty for thinking this way, but i dont want to live like this. i dont want to end up like my parents. i dont like feeling sad all the time. im trapped in a cycle i cant get out of.

get me out of here!!!!!!!

9:25pm 3/3/2021

[silverplutos]

i feel so lost. im drifting in the wind like air and my own body is carrying me. i feel so detached from reality and i lack human emotions other than feeling depressed and anxious. i hate that i have gained weight because it makes me hate myself even more. i yearn to feel human connection, but im afraid of people. i dont know why i’m still alive. there’s no point.

2:28am 3/3/21

[silverplutos]

i lost all feeling towards my interests and now i feel like im floating around in a body im not attached to doing absolutely nothing. i dont want to die, i just want to sleep forever. i regret the words i have said to others when i was in pain. i thought i would disappear already, but now im still here and i wish i never said anything hateful towards anyone. i dont want to ever be mean to anyone ever again.

i hate this part of recovering.

11:37 pm 2/11/21

[silverplutos]

i hate how my family doesnt take my emotional trauma seriously and instead laughs at my anxiety. i wanted to kill myself when i drove near that school. i still havent finished college applications but im not even sure if i will stay alive until then.

2/9/21 10:22 pm

[silverplutos]

my favorite pictures of him and my current wallscreen ❤️

[silverplutos]

i want to put my thoughts into words, but i don’t know how to do that. i feel overwhelmed with everything all at once i want it all to slow down. i dont think i want to kill myself anymore because ive earned the consequences of it, but i still think of it more than i should be. even when i was younger i used to think of fantasize about suicide. im just very scared of the future and i feel alone. i want to wrap a warm blanket around me without feeling cold anymore. i want someone to kiss my scars and tell me it will be okay.

9:04pm 2/1/21

[silverplutos]

i wonder if waiting for happiness is a waste of time and if its better if i die right here and right now because im not feeling happy. i dont like feeling lonely. i hate this feeling, yet i love being alone because people scare me. i dont know why im like this i want to understand my own emotions. they say its teenaged angst but this feeling has been with me my whole life. i hate myself not just my appearance but everything about me. even when i distract myself with other things, i always end up remembering how shitty my life is and how much i hate myself. i watch a lot of porn and i touch myself to memories i try to forget. i wonder if its a form of self punishment? i don’t understand myself at all.

11:16pm 1/31/21

[silverplutos]

hi tumblr this is my first post on this account. i decided to make this account to say whatever on here so this will be more of like a rant or a diary. i just want to say anything on here since i feel i have no one to talk to. hopefully in the future i will look back on this and laugh, but as of right now i’m not doing so great.

i’m on my last semester of hs and i already feel drained. my motivation is gone and i’ve lost so many memories already that i feel jealous when i see other kids my age enjoying life. i want to join in on the fun but im terrified. maybe its because im afraid of people, teenagers especially, but i still want to be included.

i was sexually harassed by my cousin last week. he was drunk and he kept touching me and getting close throughout the night and no one stopped him. this isnt the first time a man touched and made me uncomfortable though so im used to it. when i was 15 boys took pictures of me without me consent and made creepy comments about my body. i still remember sitting uncomfortabley in class as i heard the photos being taken and then whispering my name back and forth. i always hoped someone would stick up for me but i guess it never happened. i admired that one girl who said “stop taking pictures of her”, when the class was quiet and i thought it would stop. but then the next day she left so they kept doing it. i guess the whole joke is because im ugly and undesirable nobody would think that way about me anyways. i still beat myself up for it. the pics went around and i stopped going to public school and stayed online. junior year, i went into a mental hospital because i was getting PTSD triggers from the incident. that same year, i went to go do a test at a college and i saw the boys who bullied me back in freshman year and they laughed when they recognized me. even when i thought no one would remember, the place was packed with kids who recognized me from the pictures and they kept staring and whispering to their friends and giggling. even when i go in public, im scared this will happen again. i’ve never felt so alone before.

i worry too much that my siblings are getting too close to me because i plan on leaving soon. especially my sister since we’ve gotten closer over the years. the one thing thats stopping me is that i dont want to leave my siblings with my creepy and abusive family. we don’t have a lot and we’re high on paying bills. ever since my dad was kicked out of the house, my mom is the only one providing for our family. i think she thinks she’s the good parent and he’s the bad one, however both of them are abusive. all my life my mom has neglected me by paying attention to work, comapring me to other girls, and yells at me constantly that im always walking on egg shells around her. my dad isnt a saint though. he has always hit me at night when he was drunk and forgot about it next morning when he’s sober. my mom knew what was going on, but she never did anything about it until later. eventually, i called cps and now our family has a history with them involved so my mom kicked him out so they would get off our ass. it hurt seeing my dad leave even though i never had the best relationship with him, but i always tried to have a connection with him. it hurts thinking this way but in scared i’ll grow up like him.

i want to hurt myself again, but im scared it will leave scars like last time. my mom wont buy me a drink so i cant get drunk. its been awhile since i snorted my pills, but i dont want to do that. im relapsing on my eating disorder that i had back in middleschool and im starting to think i have age regression. i just want to feel some sort of pain.

i dont expect anyone to read this post, it’s just for my own place to rant. 1/30/21 1:35am