singleroad

[singleroad]

I went on a forum and asked for advice on how my diagnosises would be assessed during my journey, and got some of the most ableist shit I've heard in a while where I was told I couldn't do it because their nephews are autistic and

It got to me, even though I tried to not let it. It did.

I didn't question if I could do it, I asked if the regulatory body would deem that I would be able. I know I can do it just as well as others can do it, because I know my strengths and weaknesses better than a lot of others, and I'm being very proactive in improving on my weaknesses or finding ways to work with them.

If the don't approve me because I'm autistic & ADHD I will feel extremely dejected and that there's some eugenics going on with this process... if they reject me because I've struggled with depression and still take medicine for it I can understand it more.

They will know I have been diagnosed with chronic depression, but I hope they will listen to why it happened and how I'm dealing with it. I hope they realize that I was undiagnosed for many years and didn't have the right help and struggled because of that. I also hope they see how far I've come, that I have and am doing a lot to keep myself healthy, that I have tools to manage and prevent things from being that bad.

I've started reading "Why has nobody told me this before" and it's a new way to hear information I already knew, but it's pretty good to repeat. It's part of The Strategy. Also, regular exercise (swimming probably), eating 6 small meals a day, good sleep hygiene, and routines (hopefully medicated ADHD means I don't get as bored by routines).

I'm also going to start with vitamins and other supplements that help with the above, preventing migraines, and boosting health, fertility, and egg quality (and reducing endometriosis inflammation). Apparently melatonin is good for a lot of that. The things I've looked at is:

Folate (not folic acid, folate --> more expensive but I can actually metabolize it) B12 Selenium Magnesium Calcium Co-enzyme Q10 Omega3 Melatonin NAC Iron

With a vitamin C rich diet including plenty of leafy greens and dark chocolate (heh). I've found what looks like good multivitamin that covers all but coq10, omega3, melatonin, and NAC... NAC is a want and not a need, though:

This is the one I'm looking at: Thorne Basic Nutrients

it's more expensive and you need a new bottle about every month... but I think with the active folate it can definitely be worth it. I will switch to prenatal once it gets closer to actually doing the iui

[singleroad]

Soooo

I’ve decided I’m going to try to go through the Swedish healthcare system to do IUI and… if those fails an IVF attempt… and if that fails go to Denmark. Lol

It could take a long time for it to go through even when I start, but it won’t cost as much.

Depending on how my debt situation looks at the start of 2025 I’ll start then. I think it’ll look decent figuring in a wait period for evaluation, to be approved, and then to get a time for inseminatio, and pregnancy. With that timeline, if I were to get pregnant on the first try it would still be a 2026 baby and I know things will look so great then.

There’s many fears though. Reading through the rules for inseminations for single people they highlight concerns for people with previous mental health problems. I am autistic, ADHD, have chronic depression and anxiety BUT I am reeeaaaally well medicated and it’s managed so well right now. Like I thought my ADHD meds would do nothing but it’s such a clear delineation from before and after I started them this year.

This is also a reason to wait. I have to prove that I can stay well enough to care for a baby. I did have a burnout just before the pandemic that was pretty bad, but I now know that it was my autism and being forced to mask 24/7 that was the issue + some ADHD things.

The biggest challenge and way to prove myself is through the job I’m starting in august. It is a job I’m so excited for and I have so many ideas, but it is a full time job with a fairly long commute until October. I have worked 80hr weeks at times since the pandemic, but this whole week in and week out of 40hrs and managing a whole library by myself is scary. How will I manage? I need to manage or I will need to accept that children can’t be in the cards for me… and that thought genuinely makes me want to sob. There’s a reason why I want to go through with this.

So many thoughts and ramblings.

I am also concerned about taking my IUD out. The plan was to take it out next week but I’m going to cancel that appointment and have it out in September or October. Next week is a 50hr work week at a physically demanding job, and then with the new job I don’t want to manage having a period for the first time in nearly 6 years during that transitioning. I’ve started to have “mini” periods as the hormone is basically gone soon, and the mini cramps makes me remember how awful the cramps were. But it’s part of the process. I’m going to get period panties because I hate tampons and pads are a textural nightmare, and cups are daunting. It also feels like a good bet when I have no clue about my flow in the beginning. When I removed the nexplanon it was such a wild ride the first months after trying to figure out what my body was doing.

After the first period I’m going to try out the easy@home ovulation strips with premom app for a few months just to see if I ovulate regularly or not. I should have a basal temp somewhere too.

I’m just so ready for this next chapter of my life to start so I can build the future of my life. 4 weeks and I’m at my new job. 11 weeks and I’m back in my apartment.

I can do this

I can show them

[singleroad]

Update on names (lol)

I am pretty set on the following names:

Lewis John Elpis

Jesper David Bodhin

Gideon David Elpis

&

Lara Cecilia Elpis

Winona Birgitta Ismene

Brigitte Victoria Elpis

I love Elpis because it means hope, and it is unisex, but I also love Bodhin and Ismene because they mean knowledge… and I love the look of Ismene but not really the pronunciation in Swedish. I also realized that Galen is great in English but is literally the word for insane in Swedish. So that is out.

A lot of the names are out because they just don’t float together. Jesper David was the most difficult because I kind of wanted an L or R name after it but Rett was the only R name I sort of like… so yeaaa

It’s ~3 years until it’s likely any baby will be born so I can change my mind until then… and I love all 6 names equally 😂

I love names, if you love names... this is for you

I've always loved names. It started, I think, with me being the only one in my family who isn't named after anyone. My middle name is Josefine and it was only about 2 years ago I had a great great great great grandmother (or smth) named Josefina... so I guess I have a family name. I was meant to get my paternal grandmother's name, but since I have a sister who got another of my grandmother's names and none of my sisters were named after my maternal grandmother... I got something else.

So, I knew that my child would definitely have a middle name after someone in the family, but I also want a 2nd middle name (so a 3 name child) because I love names...

I have categories of names which are the names they'd go by, their middle name after a family member, and a name with significant meaning.

Go-by names are:

Brigitte Lara Winona Uma Vera Jesper Lewis Gideon Oscar Benjamin Bronte

Family middle names:

Cecilia Birgitta Victoria Christine (maybe) John David

Now the fun part. THE NAMES WITH MEANING. These are names were they can be a bit "out there" and I wouldn't call them by it, but still names I like and meanings that I want to impart on my child. I'll share both, going by the sex I'd give the name to (I know that gender assigned by sex characteristics don't always align, so you know).

Girl: *I don't want names that mean serving others or just looking pretty*

Aerfen - end of the battle Erika -eternal rules Adrestia - godess of revolt Eyana - intelligent Zoya - Life Cerys - to love Cyra - the sun Althea - wholesome (this is a name I consider as a first given name) Verity - truth Ezlyn - Freedom Sloane - warrior/fighter Eirene - Godess of peace Fallon - leader Binah - wisedom Elips - godess of hope Aisling - dream/vision Ismene - knowledge Ilaria - joyful/happy Inga - guarded by the God of peace Peregrine - wanderer Athena - after the goddess Rhetta - speaker

Boy: *I don't want names that mean war/warrior or elude to it*

Axel - father of peace Simon - listener Farrel - brave Galen - calm Kairos - right moment Declan - full of goodness Kenzo - healthy and wise Elio - the sun Ace - one/unity Evander - good man Aramis - Ambitious Uraz - fortune/luck Kepler - after the scientist, means maker of cloaks and hoods Veles - god of earth, water, livestock and underworld Bodhin - knowledge Cato - all-knowing

[singleroad]

Hi I know this is an older post but I’m aroace going on the single mom by choice journey and I completely agree with your tags… it’s a discussion that is needed to be had. I wish the ace and aro and aroace community had more of a community where those of us who want family could create like a community together, maybe like a a few people living together like friends and/or platonic partners having children together or with donors supporting one another.

There’s a lot of people out there doing this on their own with many different financial situations and careers. It can be done, but it should def be something one is very sure of.

I’m very early in my journey but have a lot of research behind me already so if you want to talk im here ☺️

maybe i wouldn't feel this way if i didn't have friends my own age with the means to have as many kids as they want, meanwhile i'm like "i wonder if i can ever make enough money to do the one thing i've always dreamt of doing'

[singleroad]

I did 23andMe 4yrs ago and uploaded by DNA sequence to Promethease for fun but looked at it again this weekend and realized that I have that MTHFR gene mutation

but

I don’t have the big one that is known to cause miscarriages and birth defects etc… but it is one known to cause issues with folate metabolism

I also have problems with DCA absorption, so… that gene says less meat, MTHFR says I shouldn’t be vegetarian lmao

I need to do more research

Trying to find a folate vitamin that my body can absorb

This comes from trying to do research on what supplements I should take to increase fertility and ovum health (and lessen endometriosis symptoms)

looking at folate, CoQ10, inositol, magnesium, selenium, fish oil, vitamin D, calcium, NAC, B12, EGCG

I want to try vitamin E as well but need to be sure it is in it’s pure form bc otherwise it risks concealing the early signs of cancer like melanoma 🤔

[singleroad]

Awful. My uncle would’ve let my cousin miss out on our grandma’s funeral if he got to choose, and my cousin and grandma were incredibly close. Luckily my dad is close to my my cousin (his nephew) so he gets things like that through my dad. It’s just incomprehensible how some parents act

My friend's estranged father blocked his son on Facebook so he can't see the recordings of their great-grandfather he posted but you know what? The man forgot to block me and I'm VERY willing to dive into html code to salvage my friend's family heritage lol

[singleroad]

Rethinking timeline

After some consideration... I might actually start the SMBC journey next year, as in the later part of next year. This depends on a few things regarding what my budget will look like the coming year, and interest rates etc. I have a rough idea on how much I'll be able to pay off of my most urgent debts and get them to a point where I can manage them + care for a child.

The factors are:

Monthly income while on parental leave

The monthly cost of caring for a child

Living costs

Travel costs

Health care cost (incl medication)

There would need to be enough left after this to cover costs and be able to enjoy the life with a baby as much as you can.

I'm meeting with a budget counselor as soon as I'm back registered at my address to get the most "aggressive" budget I can so I can get debts down as fast as possible. I think I could do a lot in 18 months... so maybe next year is a bit too early but? Maybe late next year perhaps.

If I do a radical plan this means I won't be able to check my fertility until after I'm through with most of it as I'd not have anything but the necessary left, and this is a good thing because I need to go on a consumption diet lol and thinking a few laps before I do anything.

(this took me so long to write bc I kept researching things between like holee chill)

Anyway I guess my goal TTC start date is

November 2024 - June 2025

WOOP

[singleroad]

The balancing act of deciding timing

When I post about my plan to start TTC in a few years I get people who advice me to start NOW because it can take a while. This is absolutely valid, you don't know until you start what your fertility is like. For some this kicks off a years long struggle to get pregnant, and for some it just never comes to fruition.

It does get frustrating because I'd love to be in the place where I could just jump in and get it going, but I can't. I'm just starting my career, I'm in a precarious financial situation that I'm going to work diligently to get out of ASAP.

I literally can't and it hurts my heart when people beg me to start now. Even if I had the money to buy straws and pay for the IUI, which I don't, just because some people struggle that doesn't mean I will. And just because it's easy for some doesn't mean it'll be easy for me.

It's a balancing act, and what I can do is start when I am not in a shitty situation and in a better one where I can handle a pregnancy, birth, and child. I can't plan on being one of the ones who do struggle, because if I do and immediately get pregnant... what then? It's just not a good or responsible choice, and I have to be responsible with this, y'know?

Talking to these people reminded me that I can't wait for the best time, but I need to wait for a time where I can be a good mom and provide for my child. So maybe I won't wait until I'm 34, maybe I can get things in good order and start spring 2025 when I'm still 32? That would be nice, and feels better than 2026/2027 that is foreeeeverrrr away.

I can't take my fertility for granted.

Balancing act.

[singleroad]

I love names, if you love names... this is for you

I've always loved names. It started, I think, with me being the only one in my family who isn't named after anyone. My middle name is Josefine and it was only about 2 years ago I had a great great great great grandmother (or smth) named Josefina... so I guess I have a family name. I was meant to get my paternal grandmother's name, but since I have a sister who got another of my grandmother's names and none of my sisters were named after my maternal grandmother... I got something else.

So, I knew that my child would definitely have a middle name after someone in the family, but I also want a 2nd middle name (so a 3 name child) because I love names...

I have categories of names which are the names they'd go by, their middle name after a family member, and a name with significant meaning.

Go-by names are:

Brigitte Lara Winona Uma Vera Jesper Lewis Gideon Oscar Benjamin Bronte

Family middle names:

Cecilia Birgitta Victoria Christine (maybe) John David

Now the fun part. THE NAMES WITH MEANING. These are names were they can be a bit "out there" and I wouldn't call them by it, but still names I like and meanings that I want to impart on my child. I'll share both, going by the sex I'd give the name to (I know that gender assigned by sex characteristics don't always align, so you know).

Girl: *I don't want names that mean serving others or just looking pretty*

Aerfen - end of the battle Erika -eternal rules Adrestia - godess of revolt Eyana - intelligent Zoya - Life Cerys - to love Cyra - the sun Althea - wholesome (this is a name I consider as a first given name) Verity - truth Ezlyn - Freedom Sloane - warrior/fighter Eirene - Godess of peace Fallon - leader Binah - wisedom Elips - godess of hope Aisling - dream/vision Ismene - knowledge Ilaria - joyful/happy Inga - guarded by the God of peace Peregrine - wanderer Athena - after the goddess Rhetta - speaker

Boy: *I don't want names that mean war/warrior or elude to it*

Axel - father of peace Simon - listener Farrel - brave Galen - calm Kairos - right moment Declan - full of goodness Kenzo - healthy and wise Elio - the sun Ace - one/unity Evander - good man Aramis - Ambitious Uraz - fortune/luck Kepler - after the scientist, means maker of cloaks and hoods Veles - god of earth, water, livestock and underworld Bodhin - knowledge Cato - all-knowing

[singleroad]

Knowing how much time is left is bumming me out today. I know why I have to wait at least 2 years, because I need to sort out my financial situation, and I need to be secure in my next job (which I will be in February if all goes well).

It’s so much waiting, and when you’re ready… you’re ready.

I’ve been looking at donor conceived people’s wishes, and am considering joining an FB group where I can listen to their voices more. One wish they seem to have is known donor… which isn’t a thing where I’m at. It would require the donor to be the legal parent, and give all the same rights. If I wanted that, and could have that, I would find a partner to parent with (and if I would partner with a person with same reproductive parts they wouldn’t get any parental rights). It were one thing if I could find a known donor who would relinquish rights but be like an uncle figure, but that isn’t feasible or a legally available option.

There is a reason why I chose a single route - I do not trust others to raise a child with. If I meet someone and they’re able to provide a sample while being a good partner and a good parent? Sure. It’s a once in a blue moon thing though.

This is why I also want to be off my IUD for a while to make sure my lack of desire for others isn’t a hormonal side effect. While I suspected for a long time I was aroace it might be that I’m more demi than I thought

AHHHH so much to figure out and think about

[singleroad]

Thoughts on: Choosing a donor and motivations

It feels silly going through sperm banks now, because the donors there now won’t be there when I am going through it. It does help to get a feel for what I want.

People have different criteria for a donor. Some want a donor who has traits that are conventionally attractive, that have characteristics they value highly, or any combination of any reason. Some argue that finding a donor that they are attracted to was important, to mimic some conventional steps of how, traditionally, babies are made. This is appealing to me, because I do have some magical thinking in terms of belief that attraction has an evolutionary benefit. However, I don’t know if that’s true at all.

At the same time, I’m asexual, so the attraction I have is aesthetic, and I find people of other ethnicities very aesthetically pleasing. Like dark skin and big romanesque noses. They’re beautiful features, but far from my features (pale and small straight nose), and no features that crop up anywhere in my family. If I chose a donor after what I am aesthetically attracted to, I would end up with a child who will likely look very different from everyone, and I can only imagine how lonely that could feel for a child. While I have friends with those features, that’s just not the same.

So, attraction is out.

The next option is ethnicity and/or looks. I’m hoping for a combo of this. I have fairly common features (brown hair brown eyes) and I have many look-a-likes, so I think my features could be matched. I and the darkest in my family, and there’s a lot of blonde and red hair, and green and blue eyes, so… well. There some people who even as babies look wildly different from any child in my family and… they’re out just for that. Lol

But, at this time I feel like ethnicity might be more important. While ethnicity isn’t culture, it can provide you with part of your history, and some answers.

The problem is I’m Swedish and English (according to 23andMe I’m Swedish, English, Scottish, French, German and trace Portuguese… but that’s bc of Celts and Vikings I think lol). So my preference would be a donor of Scandinavian (not Nordic) and British descent. What I’ve found is that it is Danish and English that fits that profile (not many Swedish or Norwegian donors).

Conclusion: there’s so many parts of choosing a donor, and the right choice isn’t right for someone else. The choices I make is choices based on how I will approach teaching my child about the other part of their DNA and their origin.

The choices that will be available when it is time to go for a donor could mean that other decisions need to be made. I might need to chose someone who is fully Scandi or fully British. Wanting my own special mix to be available is wishful thinking.

[singleroad]

It sucks that I can’t tell my family about my plans yet. I need to be in a better place because right now… they are judging me based of the worst period of my life. There was 27 years where I was doing really well and they know I did, yet 3 years where I struggled due to a bad work environment and medication side effects are what they’re measuring me by now.

So I need to show them that I am capable, and then I can tell them.

My friends? A few I told years ago that this is what I wanted to do, but I’m starting to tell friends that I am actually doing it now. I have one friend who I know will be an excited aunt and I would want to have as a birthing partner, and I have two other friends with babies who I know will be happy to offer advice and some support.

I will have to weigh up showing what I can do with not overdoing it. I am still autistic and that comes with challenges… but not challenges that would prevent me from being a good parent.

Lots of thoughts, and many years to ponder. I am leaving my parent’s house to move back to my own place in about 2 months. I’ve stayed with my parents while finishing off my studies. That’s when I can start doing the real work to prepare for baby S.

[singleroad]

Names, because that's fun

Last post of the day before I turn in. I've been thinking a lot, and one of the fun things baout being SMBC is that you get to pick the names yourself. I hope for a singleton, but would be alright with a twin pregnancy... though scared. My favorite names + middle names

(I want two middle names but still looking for the best second middle name). The 2nd middle name I want to have a special meaning and doesn't have to work in multiple languages like I want the first name to do

Girl names

Winona Birgitta Brigitte Victoria Lara Cecilia Uma Cecilia Darcy Cecilia

Boy names

Jesper David Benjamin John Bronte David Oscar John Lewis David

If I had a baby today their name would be

Brigitte Victoria/Lewis David or Lara Cecilia/Jesper David

[singleroad]

A checklist maybe?

What does one do when they start the SMBC journey? They start with a checklist of what needs to be done, of course!

This checklist is non-exhaustive, things will be added, some checks will be private... it's a work in progress check-list.

Pay off current debts, excluding student loan

Save €10 000 for IUI and related expenses

Save €5 000+ for baby stuff

Create 4 different budgets for different phases of the process (planning, ttc, pregnancy, postpartum and beyond)

Increase savings each moth to be what I'd spend on child + child care post child to prepare financially

Lose 10-16kg (22-35lbs) slowly without nutrional deficiencies or disordered behavior (to increase probability of success and healthy pregnancy)

Start exercising regularly

Start taking vitamins regularly (switching to prenatal a year before ttc)

Have fertility evaluated

Check that ovarian ducts aren't blocked

Have a genetics screening for recessive genes

Declutter home

Move to a bigger apartment or town home

Build and nurture the village who will be/are willing to support through pregnancy, birth, and child raising

Decide on clinic and have consultation with them

Find good treatment for chronic migraines

Fix TMJ issues

Ensure good dental health

Work out a keeping house routine which is easy to maintain

Take parenting classes

Read the books

Figure out what I look for in a donor and make a checklist for that (and be both selective but open for something different)

[singleroad]

Hello! SMBC journey starts here

This is my introduction post because... this will be a long journey that will take a few years, but it involves a lot of introspection, choices, and stops along the way.

Short facts:

I'm 30 years old (1992)

Chronically single and queer

A librarian

Planning on TTC in 2026

Primarily want to do IUI but might do IVF

Doing ID-release donor

Longer story

My name is Rebecca, and I'm a 30 year old Swede who realized a long time ago that the only way I wanted to have a child was doing it on my own. There's a lot of reasons why I came to this conclusion was that I never came across anyone that I both felt that I wanted to spend my life with and shared my central ideologies and thoughts on child rearing.

Then, a few years later, I realized that I'm aromantic and asexual (closer to demisexual but not quite)... and that put a damper on things. I realized that the partner I would want was a unicorn! There's a laundry list of things in a partner that would make me feel comfortable with them, and then to have some form of attraction to (which is complicated as an aroace person bc once in a blue moon it kind of happens?) plus all these other things. Through so many dating apps and trying, and introspection of the fact that I am probably not an ideal partner for anyone either. If it happens, it happens, I just doubt it.

After this I spent a few years working with myself. I wanted to be sure I wanted children, if I would be okay with a life without children, how to bring a child to the world in the most ethical way, and how to go about it realistically. I had doubts, because I developed chronic migraines, I had a severe burnout, and was diagnosed with ADHD and autism earlier this year. At first when I was diagnosed I thought becoming a mom was off the table, but after working on myself and finding resources that will work for me, I know I can do it, and I can make these thinsg my strengths. Except the chronic migraines, but I have a very good treatment for that right now and am down to 2-4 migraines a month which is amazing, and I'm trying new medications to get the best combo.

Finally, I decided that this is what I want to do. I had this idea that when I was 33 I would go through it, because 33 seemed like this perfect age. As I'm nearing 31, though, this timeline seems a bit tight. I'm just now graduating, with my second degree, as a librarian, and I'm starting my career in august with severe debt and a horrible credit score. So, you know, need to work on that to provide a stable home for a child. I also need to move to a bigger place.

There's quite a few things I can do prior to all this. I'm building financial and housing security, I'm working on myself and creating healthy and mind boosting routines which will enable me to provide a good mom to my child. There's a lot to work on here, because there always is.

I'm listening to donor concieved children and adopted children and their experiences and desires in all of this. I am aware that there are plenty of donor concieved children who are against what I'm doing, and I do appreciate them, I cannot assume what my future child will/would think about it. I am doing this research because I want to meet the needs my child may have.

I'm doing research on evidence based child rearing, child psychology/physiology and how to best support them through different developmental phases. At some point I will also decide on media policy, which is the thing I'm most undecided on (I'm leaning towards yes pictures on closed social media with curated and known followers and pictures that take the child's current and future dignity in mind, and maybe non-face pictures on open social media after 8 weeks - before 8 weeks all babies basically look the same). So much to think about!

Then finally, financial and housing, as I've touched on before. I have a plan to get mostly debt free before I start the process. My current apartment is small, and I could live in it until the child reaches about 3, but ideally I'd already be living in a bigger place by this point.

The practical

So uh... what am I doing?

I'm planning on doing an IUI with a donor where the ID will be released when the child is 18 (and I'm going to offer to pay for all the DNA services available if that is what my child would want).

There's a few questions I have prior to this about my fertility. This month I'm going to be removing my IUD (if all goes well) and test to see how I do without it. In the autumn I'm going to take a few months to track my cycles with ovulation strips to see if I'm ovulating regularly or not. Then I'm booking an appointment to check my ovarian ducts and to see about my fertility levels like ovarian reserves etc.

I want to know that an IUI is a good choice for me because the pregnancy rate isn't very high, and I have endometriosis. IUI is cheaper, but if I have to spend many cycles going through it... it will get more expensive than IVF. So, I want to go through this as soon as possible so if I need to I can do an egg retrieval before I get "too old". There are more complications as you age, as everyone knows, and doing an egg retrieval earlier may mitigate things like chromosomal abnormalities.

While I know my family is very fertile, this is not a guarantee that I am. Prior gynecological exams have shown that I do have healthy ovaries so... but information is good, IMO.

IUI for my profile, as I know it, has a success rate of up to 15-20% (and after about 3 tries you go to IVF anyway where I'm looking), the higher end being assisted cycles with hormones. IUI does have an increased risk of twins/multiples and this... is not what I'd want. If it happens it does, but there's so many risks and it's way more difficult. IVF has a roughly 50% success rate if you have no known problems, so getting pregnant within 3 tries is highly likely.

3 cyles of IVF excluding donor sperm and medication is €6400

3 cycles of IUI excluding donor sperm and potential medication is €2400

The bonus of IVF: one retrieval round and one donor sample, but each IUI you have to buy donor sperm which can range from €800 to €3000 (highest I've seen), and with IUI you need the more expensive sample (higher sperm count and better motility) whereas with IVF you can get the lower rated. However, there's more medications that can increase the costs of IVF, and possible complications to both me and the fetus (IVF conception for some reason increases risks like heart defects).

This is why you have to take time to decide.

Long story short: this is the start of a multi year process, and this is my journey there