#thoughts and such

[feelin-frazzled]

Bold of you to assume I can tell apart gender envy, romantic, sexual, aesthetic, and platonic attraction

[emittthehuman]

Thinking about the way Gwen, how she is just a kid like Miles.

Her only father and family member she had left pointed a gun right at her, actively chose his job over his own daughter after she revealed she was spider woman.

Gwen was distraught, her whole world was collapsing. And then two spider people, people like HER, showed up. Adults who seemed like they understood what she was going through, offered her an escape from her problems. To abandon Gwen Stacy, to hide behind the mask where pain can’t get to her.

So she goes with them.

But things aren’t what they seem. The adults are falling apart here too, Miguel blows up at every small inconvenience. He’s extremely hard on Gwen- of course he would be. He can’t get attached to another little kid, not after what happened last time.

And Jessica Drew? A bit more lenient, maybe like the mom she never knew. But she’s not her mom. She pushed for her to be there, but she won’t protect her either.

Gwen learns her father will die.

She learns that Miles was an anomaly, too dangerous to interact with. She’s not even allowed to see him.

She falls on others, Hobie and Pavitr are good people who care about her well being.

But she just misses Miles. He understood her, what they’ve lost.

And when a mission comes up from his universe? Of course she snatches up the chance to see him again without angering the only parental figures she has now.

She tried to protect him in the only way that seemed to work, hiding the truth.

But he’s so much more hopeful than she is. He is kind, he’s strong and he knows what it means to be spider man, in spite of everything.

And she has to watch him learn the truth, watch the new parental figures quickly turn against them both.

People who Gwen thought understood, send her back to her own universe by force.

Gwen is 16.

Imagine being a 16 year old girl, going though all of this.

Miles literally makes earthquakes in her life, changes entire trajectories just by existing. He saves her dad, just by proxy.

God. It is so painful to look at these kids. These poor, sweet kids.

[themonsterthing]

Being disabled or chronically ill means being terrified of your bad days.

No, really. Terrified.

It is genuine terror when you forget something important. It is true fear when you miss a step and fall. It is horror when you realize you never texted your friend back about something exciting. Because, a bad day for an able-bodied person is just a bad day. For the disabled, it’s: “am I having a flare? Is my illness getting worse? Who knows where I am if I hurt myself and need help? Is this it? Is the life I’ve been trying to build over? Should I see another (fucking useless) doctor? Have I documented my symptoms enough that they’ll care?”

Because for us, it’s that little. A mysterious bruise, forgetting to send an email - it could be just a bad day. Or it could be a recurrence of our worst symptoms , signs our health is deteriorating: because at the end of the day, we have no real control over our health, hard as we try. We can do everything right, and it will still not be enough.

You don’t get to have bad days, as a disabled person.

[squabbykitten]

my binder and some of my pants don't fit anymore… I certainly gained weight :)

[ksbbb]

Bundled Up with You

“It’s freezing.” Theo shivers, pulling his jacket tighter around himself as he waits for Liam to come inside from making a last ditch effort to dig the car out of the driveway.

“Don’t even say it.” Liam says, his face still disappointed and his voice void of enthusiasm.

Theo did explain taking his truck would probably be the better option, but Liam really wanted to drive this year and going to his grandparents in Colorado was the most important part of his plan for the holidays.

He didn’t plan for a snowstorm on the way down. Theo wanted to fly but Liam wanted the experiences of having a road trip and now they’re not going anywhere.

Theo isn’t a holiday person and he doesn’t mind, but Liam’s entire family was going to be there and now Liam’s mood is ruined.

“We can leave once it melts. Even if we made it out of this place the roads won’t be plowed in time.” Theo points out, closing the door behind Liam and checking the thermostat to ensure it’s high enough.

“I know that but I had a plan.” Liam comments, sighing heavily and sitting down on the couch.

“I already messaged the owner so we can stay a few more days. It will be fine. Your family will understand.” Theo reassures him, smiling at Liam’s devastated face, and trying to remain positive.

Liam’s always been the holiday person and any time something happens or changes are made, it’s never something he takes lightly.

Theo loves that about him and he’s disappointed for Liam.

“Yeah, but that’s…it’s all ruined.” Liam huffs, snatching another piece of bacon from off his plate.

“I’m sure it’s not ruined. I’m here.” Theo teases, with a slight hint of sarcasm in his tone.

“That’s the thing. You’re a grinch at christmas but I know why. I really wanted to give you the gift I had planned.” Liam shakes his head, a smile on his face, as he looks far away in thought.

“My gift? We said no presents this year.” Theo reminds him, while Liam darts his head away to prevent Theo from looking him directly in the eye.

“Yeah, well you missed out on a lot of gifts throughout the years. Sorry, I decided to ignore that request.” Liam smiles apologetically, worry taking over his face while he waits for Theo’s response.

“You do this every year. Every year you try to make some extravagant holiday happen and it’s okay if it’s not.” He says, sitting down next to Liam and smiling.

“Yeah, but I only want it extravagant for you. Because you’re my favorite person.” Liam shrugs.

“You’re also the most annoying person.” Liam teases, smiling and laughing as Theo rolls his eyes at him.

“When I was with the dread doctors and under their guidance I didn’t do holidays. They would come and go and I wouldn’t really bat an eye at it because it didn’t matter. I didn’t have anyone that I spent the holidays with. The holidays were just another day. A reminder of what I didn’t have.” Theo explains, and the sadness that reaches Liam’s face is heartbreaking, even if it’s for Theo’s sake.

He never wants to make Liam feel bad or upset, and he’s not done with his story. There’s a point that he’s trying to make and Liam has to understand.

“I didn’t like holidays because it wasn’t important to me. I didn’t have anything important to me to make them special.” Theo says, his heart clenching as Liam becomes more distraught at his story.

“I know and I’m sorry. We should have flown.” Liam bitterly scoffs, his voice angry and his fists clenched, while he narrows his eyes.

“You’re missing the point. My holidays were nothing special because they didn’t have anyone or anything that made me want to care about them. Now I do.” Theo smiles, and the way Liam smiles at him, is enough to make Theo lighthearted and happy to be snowed in.

Theo’s never been a fan of simple things or holidays that are only a reminder of what he didn’t have, but the past few years he’s become more open to having traditions.

Something as simple as snow and being hauled up in a warm blanket with the person he can’t get out of his head, is more special to Theo than any gift he could receive. Whether it’s from Liam or not.

His heart grew bigger that day and a blue eyed werewolf is the reason.

@theoraekenapperciation

[ara270904]

My cousin and I were talking yesterday I think and she said something about a super crack ship, Daring x Tiny and I was like "WTF with you? You're trying to kill Daring?" because I really don't think that could work and then when we were watching a bit of Epic Winter (we don't like it very much but it is what it is) and she said something like Beast Daring is bigger so he could be with Tiny and I was like "???".

Yeah, we're in our EAH phase again and we like to talk about it like how my cousin like saying that Daring's Latin Spanish dub voice sounds like gay, or when we were putting up the Christmas tree and she said "Daring" when she introduced the last part of the three parts of the tree.

We also talked about how unfair it is that Chase Redford only appeared in Way to Wonderland, and that she says that Chase is her husband, but she also likes Dexter Charming obviously, also that every time Darling comes out or we talk about her my cousin says "your wife" or I say "my wife" or "Charming's sister" or D. Charming and then saying "which of all?"

Because after Dexter wrote a poem to Raven signed D. Charming we didn't let it go and we joked saying "D. Charming" and then "which one?"

Nobody knows me, or I hope so, so it's so silly to talk about the silly things I talk about with my cousin.

Yeah

[tangor-andrena]

Sometimes, I think people forget we can just do shit.

Of course there are hundreds of political or societal limitations, but in my opinion we should all go have a frolick in some grass and climb trees and make silly art and stop holding to the crumbling pillar of false hubris society says we should have

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Just some words/thoughts/update/more information re: recent freak out and subsequent unending nonsense for anyone who is interested.

I have been dealing with a medical-ish thing recently that's really tripped me out. I am completely fine. Everything is completely fine. There is nothing dangerous or harmful or even concerning happening, just a normal happenstance fluke thing.

However, I don't do well with uncertainty and I very much struggle with the self-perceived notion that something is "wrong" in/with my body, see: dentist freak out from February. I just really struggle a lot with it.

On Friday I saw a doctor and had a bad panic attack and then a minor in office procedure done. Once again, no big deal; the procedure was not necessary and was entirely voluntary for my peace of mind. But I wound up exhausted and in a decent amount of pain and overwhelmed. I think it was just a breaking point.

I hit a stress overload and just got very sad and tired. I spent 3-4 days just kind of wondering what to do, panicking, and not a whole lot else. When I get that anxious I don't function well, and that set off some negative brain stuff.

So I decided to make an appointment with my therapist and a psychiatrist, both of whom recommended (not for the first time) a daily antidepressant.

This is something I also really struggle with. I have nothing against medication and I think it can be an incredible tool that really helps people, but I am simply not able to rationalize it for myself. I have been asking for a supply of something situational for when I truly can't calm down for years and keep getting told no. I genuinely believe that would help just to have the security blanket of "if I get too anxious I have something", but doctors are very reluctant to issue medication that way, it seems, and would rather prescribe something daily instead.

All of that being said, the breaking point went a little too hard and now I am just tired and embarrassed but ok. I'm feeling 1000x more stable and pretty much back to baseline, just horrified with myself for the last ~week.

So formal apology for freaking out. I appreciate all of your patience and kindness.

[rimaurimau]

i like to imagine that instead of link getting his arm back, his arm by the end of the game is still gone but purah essentially builds link a prosthetic out of sheikah tech that she still had left over

[feelin-frazzled]

wish you could suck your boobs in like you can suck your stomach in

[bungerisscary]

I love horror media especially found footage, args, or fucked up let’s play of games that don’t exist. Like Crow64? Delicious! Please I beg give me more.

By creating a unique yet familiar piece of horror media without tying it to pre-existing IP, it feels more affective than the typical video game horror. Valle Verede is a good example of this. It has a familiar feeling of an old school game, with something like animal crossing. But has its own unique spin.

It feels more scary when it’s not connected to an IP like Mario or sonic. It allows for more creativity, suspense of disbelief. As well it makes it harder to laugh at? Not to be little or mock these projects but seeing child friendly characters like Mario attempt to kill someone is more- comedic at times? It can be done right. But still there’s a comedic aspect to it

Anyway to my point does anyone have any good recs for series like Valle verde or Crow64? I’d love to find some more

[themonsterthing]

Millenial Art Musing

Gather round, younglings, I’m about to tell a story about ye olde days. *rocker creaks*

My first and most beloved art form, the art that made me who I am, that made me as good as I am at what I do, is dead, is gone, is unreachable.

That might sound dramatic, but I mean that literally. My art form does not, can not, exist anymore. And that's a good thing, because of what it says about accessibility.

I was listening to one of my favourite ever albums when I had this realization today, Johnny Hollow’s 2003 self titled symphonic goth masterpiece. How I found this album was because they had an amazing website. No, really. Amazing. It was a flash masterpiece, where bugs crawled across the screen, different sound clips echoed over different sections, and you unlocked hidden tracks if you answered riddles. It was an artistic triumph. I do believe it won awards.

To modern internet users, that sounds absurd. But I was a web designer back in the days of hard coding, of fixed resolution design, of the surety that everyone was looking at your work from a very similar setup. I got out of web design when it become about scalability, when content management systems were becoming the new norm. Flash hasn’t existed in years, as a design form.

HTML is still the bones of the internet, but it has grown wings and learned to fly. This is good. My art form was not about making things as useable as possible - it was about individual design. Oh what, you have trouble reading 8px Courier in low-contrast color tones? Oh well! It’s art.

The internet should be for everyone, and what I was designing was not that. Yes, it was beautiful, but it was definitely art, not for conveying useful information or accessing tools. Would it be cool if I could make that kind of art again? As pure art? Yes. But there would be no way to make that happen, unless you did something scalable but artistic for the eight million ways people access the internet now. Which is not possible, so maybe if you could control every aspect of the way it was consumed. Which is not possible. Maybe I could do it as an art exhibit, where people came and sat on computers and clicked through incredibly slow pages on 56k to the humming of the computer fan. Ah, the old days.

I am who I am because of my first art. I became a programmer to make Sailor Moon websites, back in the days of Geocities and Angelfire. I learned whole other languages, could speak them fluently, still know common hex codes. (People ask my favorite colour, and I always say French Grey. But really it’s #E6E6E6.)

It is a bizarre and beautiful world to have come from. I miss the camaraderie of the my fellow web designers, those of us trading CSS hacks and joking about the best font style. One person with a credit card who owned a domain and hosted all their buddies, the joy of ridiculous subdomain names.

I am delighted by what the internet has become. But oh, the olden days.

</ramble>

[squabbykitten]

Sometimes I really think about making this one of my sona's official outfits. Seriously. Garfield is so… cool 🥺

[frozenagent]

not a shock but yes i have a FANGAN that is very not coming to life but i still love my children sm . IF YOU GUYS WERE CURIOUS TO SEE THEM , SAY SO .

[singleroad]

Knowing how much time is left is bumming me out today. I know why I have to wait at least 2 years, because I need to sort out my financial situation, and I need to be secure in my next job (which I will be in February if all goes well).

It’s so much waiting, and when you’re ready… you’re ready.

I’ve been looking at donor conceived people’s wishes, and am considering joining an FB group where I can listen to their voices more. One wish they seem to have is known donor… which isn’t a thing where I’m at. It would require the donor to be the legal parent, and give all the same rights. If I wanted that, and could have that, I would find a partner to parent with (and if I would partner with a person with same reproductive parts they wouldn’t get any parental rights). It were one thing if I could find a known donor who would relinquish rights but be like an uncle figure, but that isn’t feasible or a legally available option.

There is a reason why I chose a single route - I do not trust others to raise a child with. If I meet someone and they’re able to provide a sample while being a good partner and a good parent? Sure. It’s a once in a blue moon thing though.

This is why I also want to be off my IUD for a while to make sure my lack of desire for others isn’t a hormonal side effect. While I suspected for a long time I was aroace it might be that I’m more demi than I thought

AHHHH so much to figure out and think about