sinnermanlee

[sinnermanlee]

Rust Cohle + character tropes

[sinnermanlee]

chemistry. is you touching my arm and it setting fire to my mind.

flood, nayyirah waheed (via nayyirahwaheed)

[sinnermanlee]

kyungsoo and his hair

[sinnermanlee]

He eyes the man sitting in the booth across from him. His boyfriend now, he thought to himself with a small lift of his lips as his eyes darted back down to his cup of coffee. After a few moments he took a pen from his front pocket and scribbled something down onto a napkin, dragging it along the table closer to Kyungsoo: ╰☆╮

Kyungsoo had been looking at the knots in the wood of the table they’d been stationed at, too shy to stare into Minsoo’s dark pools like he wanted to—at least when they were out in public. A little white square came into view suddenly, sliding into his plane of view until there was an irrepressible smile adorning his face. Kyungsoo took the pen out of Minsoo’s hand and carefully drew something similar in the corner of the napkin. Soon, he was reaching back across the table again, reaching for the bigger hand that wasn’t occupied with the heat of a coffee cup to lace their fingers. “Minsoo…” It was all he could mutter, smiling too big to allow for other things through the tight pull of his plush lips.

[sinnermanlee]

He nodded along with the teenager's words politely before tilting his head. "Well you should eat something. School days can feel pretty long," he replied before it felt like something was stuck in his throat. He had to clear it before he could continue, it was as if his body was trying to stop him from making poor decisions. "If you want you could spend your lunch hour here," he added quietly, trying to remain impassive about the offer. Or well, the answer to the offer.

"Your essays are really the only ones I can read without cringing," Minsoo admitted with a small smile that he masked with a short cough. His eyes trailed down to Kyungsoo's lips once the boy licked them and his thumb unconsciously rubbed against the newly empty spot on his ring finger. He didn't even realize that he did it until a few moments later and he quickly used the hand to rub his face roughly. He didn't want that kind of connection on his conscious. He couldn't handle those feelings on top of his divorce. Kyungsoo was far too innocent and so far away from his problems that Minsoo hated that he wanted to drag him in. Like things could get better if he could only see him smile again.

He hastily moved behind his desk and began to rummage through the drawers. Nothing here was ever in order but he tended to find things easily enough when he really needed it. He found a bag of crackers and paused before he opened them. "Did you want to get your lunch though? I'm going to eat something. I don't like to spend my time at the teacher's lounge..."

Luckily for Minsoo, Kyungsoo couldn’t decipher what all those things meant because the possibilities were endless in his mind. There were a lot of signals that Kyungsoo wasn’t used to having sent at him and his head felt a little light by the end of Minsoo’s ramblings. He could only nod, choosing to bypass the bigger topics (like seeing each other after graduation, for instance) and pick up something much easier to respond to.

"Y-yeah, this is my lunch, so don’t worry about me being late or something like that." He was fairly certain that Minsoo would have written him a pass to his next class if he had to. Because, honestly, he was content to stand right here, cradling his things and looking on as Minsoo’s hands struggled with the idea that they didn’t really have to be doing anything. Then again, if he didn’t have his own fingers occupied, they’d most likely be fiddling with his uniform right now.

"I don’t mind the essays in your class, though. The questions actually make me think so writing them is more stimulating than most others." Kyungsoo licked his lips as he shifted his weight on his feet. The noise from the hallway died down mostly, only a few more stragglers rushing to make it to their classes on the other side of the school. But they weren’t paying any attention to the two people in the history room, catching each other’s eyes and wonder what was alright for them to say aloud or how far apart they should be standing right that minute. It wouldn’t have looked like anything was going on anyway—they were just a student and a teacher right then. Nothing more, nothing less.

[sinnermanlee]

Love isn’t about    fucking each other at any opportunity.

It also isn’t about   how many months or years   that you’ve been together.

To me,   love is about  being able to see light   inside of the person who knows nothing    but darkness.

[sinnermanlee]

[sinnermanlee]

He stared at Kyungsoo for a few long moments and let out a sigh. One of defeat rather than annoyance that he was normally used to. Not that he was ever annoyed with Kyungsoo, not once. And he also wasn't used to being defeated or content with that fact that he had lost. Kyungsoo was the only person he was okay with losing to. Losing himself, that's what it felt like. It felt like falling blindly but knowing he was going to be caught. He just didn't want to hurt Kyungsoo in the process, that tended to be inevitable as well.

Rather than offer a verbal answer, he nodded and leaned forward to press a kiss to Kyungsoo's forehead. It felt like being saved, every touch he got to press against Kyungsoo. Like a religion. Minsoo felt like he was believing in something again and even though it wasn't in himself he still felt like he was gaining some strength from the smaller man. It's probably why he couldn't keep his hands to himself, he thought as they snuck under Kyungsoo's shirt and trailed along his back before settling on the other's stomach. Minsoo didn't understand relationships or love, but he knew what it was to want. Normally all he wanted was numbness, this was a new feeling but it was just as strong.

"I don't know if it's even possible," Minsoo admitted, eyes flickering between the other's lips, wrists and eyes. "If anyone could do it though, it'd be you," he eased at the gentle touch against his face and his eyes fluttered shut. It was the truth. The mandatory sessions with a therapist left him feeling angrier and the drinks at the bar left him feeling hollow. Safety was so unfamiliar but he tried to welcome it without feeling nervous. He wanted to protect Kyungsoo too. Except from himself, it seemed.

His hands moved to rest on Kyungsoo's hips and he dropped his forehead against the younger man's. "Come with me to bed," he whispered, knowing that there could have been a message inside those words. Then again, Minsoo wasn't sure of what he meant either.

Even if he didn’t know how he could make Minsoo happy, he was glad for the fact that he could. He’d continue on with whatever it was that he was doing to make sure that Minsoo didn’t have to rely on himself all the time. Because it seemed as though his efforts to achieve happiness often times did just the opposite.

If the thought of Kyungsoo could keep him out of the bar after work, he’d stick around. And the only time he wanted them man in his head for too long was when he was dreaming of him. Maybe that made him selfish, he thought. And maybe it did, but his heart couldn’t help what it felt—not tonight. Especially not when Minsoo was being so open with him when he was usually so closed off and reserved.

It was like a little flower was blooming in place of his heart and it made him cup the sides of Minsoo’s face in the same way he remembered the man doing to him once. Big eyes looked into tired ones, the small boy suddenly feeling more sure of himself than he had in a long time. “And I want all of that because it’s part of who you are. I’m willing to try if you will, too. Just let me be there for you.”

Kyungsoo always wanted to be by his side whether it was to bear the weight of these confessions or share those light kisses so early in the morning before they had to part ways. He felt better—less lonely and more human, more alive. It wasn’t fiction, but it was better. The way Minsoo kissed and felt and talked was so much better than words on a page, as much as they meant to him. His thumbs caressed the elder’s cheekbones, breathing in deeply once. “Just come to me and let me help make it better for you, too.”

[sinnermanlee]

Kyungsoo said he didn't want easy. Spoken like someone who was never hurt or hurt another beofre. Spoken like someone who never had such strong feelings for someone else before. Minsoo didn't know how to define his own anyways. He knew that he cared about Kyungsoo. That he wanted him. Love was an impossible feeling for a man like himself though. Love felt like drowning and Minsoo had too many other weights chained to his ankles to deal with. Every day he woke up and wondered if he was capable of such a thing anyways. Well, every day lately. Before Kyungsoo he didn't worry about it much anyways. Sometimes he wondered if his life would be defined by before Kyungsoo and after Kyungsoo.

He just never felt like he would be impacted by another person again since his divorce. He was growing content with the idea of being alone. There was no way of knowing that a normal trip to the library would change his life. Why did he invite the quiet boy out that night anyways?

His thumb swiped against Kyungsoo's skin when he felt hands cover his own and he leaned forward to kiss under the other's ear. And then chased Kyungsoo's lips when the younger man kissed him. "I wouldn't mind being completely yours," he admitted with a sigh. There would be no one else. But still, he felt like something was holding him back. Someone like him came with a lot of baggage. It almost felt unfair to let Kyungsoo deal with it but he couldn't get himself to leave the other or break this off entirely right here. Minsoo rarely wanted anything in his life nowadays. Not until now. "There are times where I am in my head for too long and it would be difficult to get me out," he began to confess. When he was in his head he turned to meaningless sex and alcohol. Now all he wanted was the man on his lap.

"I have a temper. I'd never hurt you, but I'm irrational at times because of stubbornness. When I'm working I could forget you exist. And I don't want to but I just can't think about you when I'm surrounded by that kind of pain. I get jealous easily. People say I'm never easy to please, but you make me irrationally... happy," he finished with a heavy sigh. He honestly didn't know why he put his bad traits in front of Kyungsoo like he wanted the other to run still. Minsoo had the tendency to sabotage his own happiness.

Another little flurry of feelings made his breath hitch. Or was it the way that Minsoo was touching him again? He still didn’t know what was what, but he decided it really didn’t matter anymore. It probably hadn’t mattered even in the very beginning, but his overactive mind wasn’t capable of just glossing over these things. It was uptight like he so often was, but he’d been melted down to his purest form here and had something of an epiphany.

The way Minsoo’s lips kissed him so softly, the way his heart sped and slowed, beat and died down all at once, and the way he wanted nothing more than to know that he belonged to Minsoo—their relationship had definitely pegged past the level of friendship and now they were even one past the attraction he’d recognized. What was it called?

Love? Was this love? Did anyone really know that bit of information, though?

Kyungsoo’s two hands came up to cover just one of Minsoo’s, to hold it over the spot it rested so he could feel just how much the boy wanted him to stay there, right where he was. Minsoo kept saying that he was difficult, but Kyungsoo didn’t see it. Couldn’t see it. Not past all the goodness that shoved whatever problems the detective had with himself right to the back of the queue. They were out staged easily in the younger’s big eyes.

"I don’t want it to be easy, Minsoo. I want to feel it all because that means it’s real, right? The more you have to work at it, the more it means to you, or so I’ve been told. I want that to be true, so I don’t need a fairy tale." With a heart heavy with that emotion he refused to label as love, Kyungsoo pressed his lips to the man’s in much the same way as he had done just a moment ago. "I just need you."

[sinnermanlee]

[SMS] Minsoo, my butterflies miss you.

[SMS] Do you miss me too?

[sinnermanlee]

His throat tightens at Kyungsoo’s words and Minsoo wondered how long he had been holding his breath because he feels like he’s going to pass out.  He wanted to scream, to warn Kyungsoo to stay away because he would ruin that heavy heart of his.  That was the last thing he wanted.  Kyungsoo was the only person worth protecting at times.  Instead he squeezed his eyes shut for a few moments to steady himself.

“I don’t mind being the only one who looks at you,” Minsoo began, his hand trailing from Kyungsoo’s hip to slip under his shirt once more.  He pressed his palm to the younger man’s stomach for a moment before trailing up to rest over his heart.  Kyungsoo was so warm under his touch and he could feel the small beats against his hand.  It steadied him more than he thought he was even capable of being steadied.  “Because you’re mine too.”  It’s probably not the healthiest way to go about things for a man like Minsoo, but he didn’t know any other way.

“You don’t have to dream anymore when it comes to me.  Please,” he quietly pleaded, his free hand moving to tuck under Kyungsoo’s chin.  It would only lead to disappointment.  He nudged him upwards to stare into his eyes.  “I’m not going to lie and say that I’m going to make your dreams come true.  I’m not… I’m not easy to be with,” he warned Kyungsoo but pressed his lips to the other man’s chastely.  He hoped to convey his own hopes and dreams into the action because he refused to acknowledge them at most times.  He hoped Kyungsoo understood that he was going to try for him.

Mine, thought Kyungsoo.You’re all mine…

It wasn’t possessiveness that had it ricocheting around in his skull. It was more like him testing the sound of it while still being too afraid to say it aloud. Because if he said it, it made it too real. This still felt like some sort of crazy fantasy to have a man’s hands on his hips and lips on him. He was seated in Minsoo’s lap, for god’s sake. Their bodies were touching in a way that was more intimate than he’d ever been before. It didn’t even matter that they were both fully clothed or the most they’d done was kiss. Those were two giant steps toward something he still couldn’t decipher, something that most people took for granted. His comfort zone had been obliterated over the period of time Minsoo had been in his life. Such a short time, too. And he had such a profound effect.

He hadn’t noticed before now, but he’d been barreling toward the unknown and his next words, perpetually unbeknownst to him, were one of the final leaps. “I think about how weird it is that I don’t mind the feeling of your eyes on me like I do other people’s. And the way that I actually want them on me…and only me. I think about how much I miss you at three o’clock in the morning when I’ve been trying to sleep but I can’t because my heart feels like it’s heavier than the rest of me.”

In the midst of his face-heating ramblings, Kyungsoo’s head sunk lower and lower until he was snuggled into the crook of Minsoo’s neck, hiding from the eyes he’d just declared his desire for. He didn’t stop there, though. “And now I’m thinking about you being mine… and I want it to be real. I don’t want to dream about it anymore."

[sinnermanlee]

His hands trailed back to Kyungsoo's hips to keep him still while he was on his lap. Every movement left him feeling breathless and he needed to stay focused or else he would succumb to his own selfish needs. And that wouldn't be happening, he made a vow to take care of the younger man. Everything Kyungsoo did to him left him feeling like he would implode though, from his uncertain hands to his little puffs of breath.

He pressed a kiss to Kyungsoo's clothed shoulder at the young man's words. All he wanted was Minsoo and Minsoo knew that he wasn't enough, but he was going to try to be for once. Normally he never bothered with the impossible, it felt like a waste of time. He just needed Kyungsoo in his life though. He just needed to see him every day and feel his warmth, it was the only non-destructive need in his life now. "I'm yours," he mumbled against his shirt. His eyes slowly closed at the admittance, it felt like giving a terrible gift. He felt like he was giving Kyungsoo a burden.

"You step outside of what you're comfortable with," Minsoo answered, even though that was basically all the pair did when they were together. The emotions were new to Minsoo, he never thought he could take care of someone like this and not mess everything up. At least not yet. And Kyungsoo had never been kissed before Minsoo, every caress and kiss was another step away from his comfort zone. "When I'm not around, what do you think about? When you think of me," he stated, he wasn't trying to be cocky by assuming the other thought of him when they weren't together. Minsoo just thought about him all the time.

The drag of nails on his skin certainly wasn’t helping his hips keep still. If anything, it made him want to press up harder to help release some of the heat that was quickly building up inside. In order to not accidentally tug on Minsoo’s hair again, the boy clasped his hands at the back of his neck. And when the touches stopped and Minsoo had buried his face, Kyungsoo felt like he could calm down too. The little ragged breaths turned back to semi-normal as he closed his eyes to focus on drawing up all the willpower he could muster.

His body stilled with the exception of his chest, which still rose and fell more heavily than normal. Their moment of breath-catching gave Kyungsoo another moment to think to himself. He still thought about Minsoo, but there was still so much more that he needed to figure out between them. There was obviously attraction because situations like these wouldn’t happen otherwise. But was there something more that helped to rile the swarm of butterflies, rise the heat in his cheeks, and stir the late night thoughts?

His thumbs dragged in circular patterns against the back of Minsoo’s neck, a final heavy breath giving way to his customary silent exhales before he spoke up about the only thing that was evident to him at this point. “All I want is you. All I think about is you and I don’t know what that means. How do you figure out what that means, Minsoo?”

[sinnermanlee]

"I do hope you figure it out soon, Kyungsoo," he whispered, his tongue dragging along the shell of the younger man's ear. Minsoo really should have known better, the other was so much purer than anyone he had ever met. There was no way dirty thoughts ever crossed his mind. "You make it so hard for me to be patient sometimes." He knows he's not a good man, but he's trying for Kyungsoo's sake. There's no way he's going to be the one who causes Kyungsoo to cry again. It's not another added weight on his shoulders that he could handle. He would be crushed.

His hands rested on Kyungsoo's back for a moment before he dragged his nails along the skin lightly. Minsoo knew exactly what he wants to do with Kyungsoo, he caught himself having those sorts of drifting thoughts more often than not nowadays. At first he felt terrible and ignored them, but then he accepted that it was apart of his nature and just allowed himself to live in his head. It's why he didn't go to the bars as much. It's why he didn't bring anyone back home with him since he first pressed his lips to the other's. It wasn't even a matter of exclusivity, Kyungsoo was the only person he wanted and for that he would try to wait.

"Especially when you squirm around like that," he groaned, pressing his face into Kyungsoo's shoulder to calm himself down.  Kyungsoo really had no idea what he did to the older man sometimes.

It was addicting because it was new for the both of them. Ne experiences and reactions to things that Kyungsoo hadn’t even dreamed about until recently. All it took was an introduction by way of Minsoo’s mouth, his hands, his eyes and voice and the boy was waking up with a dirtier mind than he’d gone to sleep with. Moments like these were only fueling the fire and he loved it. So much.

"Whatever I want? I don’t know what I want." The callouses on the detective’s hands gave added sensation to flesh that had never been touched with intentions similar to Minsoo’s. He wanted to tense up because he didn’t want Minsoo to feel how skinny he was or how some of his ribs made a bumpy texture on his torso. It was his first instinct but then there was a mouth on his ear that told him things he wanted to hear and he couldn’t do it. That natural reaction had his own mouth finding that one and emitting a needy noise as big hands crept ever higher.

His body moved in a way that Kyungsoo had never tried to have it move. His hips felt antsy atop Minsoo’s lap, like they could no longer stay still no matter how much he tried to contain himself. He just let it happen because, really, it was becoming too much to think about that and the slow drag of their lips at the same time.

[sinnermanlee]

Minsoo had to remind himself to take his time. He wanted to treat Kyungsoo delicately, there was no way he would allow himself to be the one who broke him. Even though Kyungsoo was a lot stronger than Minsoo was in many ways, he was also beginning to realize how important he was starting to become for the other man. Minsoo had the tendency to ruin every relationship that had the potential to make him happy. It was a mental barrier. He wanted to get over that hurdle this time. Kyungsoo made him yearn for something he never allowed himself before.

Yet he couldn't help but fall into old patterns. There was a warm body on his lap and it was difficult to keep his hands still. They rested on Kyungsoo's hips as he nipped on his earlobe gently. Every touch felt new to him, every reaction was different. And he mentally cataloged it and saved the bit of information for further use. His hands snuck under the other's shirt and trailed up along Kyungsoo's sides. The younger man would always feel so much warmer and softer than him. Minsoo felt like his hands would always be too rough to touch him.

"You're always able to kiss me. Whenever you want. You can do whatever you want," Minsoo said carefully before groaning a bit at his hair being tugged. He enjoyed that more than he thought he would, but it was probably because the act surprised him. He just didn't know what to expect from Kyungsoo.

The spot behind his ear seemed abnormally sensitive. It got a greater reaction out of him than his neck being kissed did and when it was coupled with those words said in Minsoo’s voice, Kyungsoo felt like he could die happily right here. A deep running shiver worked its way down his body, causing his shoulders to shimmy and his jaw to set itself firmly in place. He couldn’t help but melt, to lean his chest against Minsoo’s bigger one and soak all of that in for a moment.

"Minsoo," he breathed out, a simple exhale of the other’s name that tasted so sweet rolling off his tongue. "I-I like when you kiss me… and I like to be able to kiss you." He could go on and on about all the things the press of their lips did to him, but he kept all that inside. Maybe it would make more sense another day. Right now he just liked the feeling of the detective’s solidity and security as they sat together, the boy in his lap looking like nothing more than a child. He felt like one when Minsoo was concerned, but it didn’t seem to bother the other, so he didn’t bring it up.

The fingers near the nape of the man’s neck tightened their hold when he felt teeth drag on his skin, the grasp loosening a second later when he caught himself doing it. He didn’t want to tug on it, but that feeling was so nice. He didn’t know what else to do with himself, so he breathed out Minsoo’s name again instead.

[sinnermanlee]

Kyungsoo was nervous, but that was hardly anything new. It wasn’t crippling this time, though. He smoothly made his way to where Minsoo sat on his couch, book in hand and glasses threatening to fall right off at the tip of his nose as it hung over the frayed pages of a book Kyungsoo had recommended to him. Minsoo’s lips were set in a deep frown that the boy recognized as concentration. He almost didn’t want to disturb him. Almost.

Bottom lip being worried between two rows of teeth, one hand reached out to take the book from Minsoo, heart thumping wildly as he sat himself down in the man’s lap instead. Kyungsoo took the other’s glasses off, folding them up and setting them delicately aside before thin arms hung off broad shoulders and two sets of full lips met once. “S-someone told me I had to kiss you—”

He leaned back in, their lips melding together more completely this time. And another time. “—forever,” Once more with his fingers threaded into the back of Minsoo’s hair, he let his eyelashes flutter closed as he kissed him. “And ever.” Their foreheads rested against each other in that way that took away some more of Kyungsoo’s clarity. “And I couldn’t tell them no.”

It was moments like these that Minsoo ached for when he was working. He used to be able to separate work from his personal life before. Mostly because his personal life was so easy to ignore, it was a destructive path he went down. There were very few constants in his life before, but now he had a man sitting beside him and a peaceful kind of quiet where he didn’t think about work. Nowadays Minsoo let himself enjoy these moments, even though he still didn’t feel like he deserved them. Overall, his mind was filled with less work and more Kyungsoo and it made him nervous but he was beginning to accept it.

His eyes widened slightly when the younger man placed himself on his lap, tilting his head curiously when his glasses were taken off. The distraction wasn’t unwelcome, he stared up at Kyungsoo as his arms wrapped around his waist. His chest tightened at the idea of forever. He wanted it, but he couldn’t promise such a thing. Instead he tried to convey that he would try by kissing Kyungsoo more firmly before the other pulled away.

"That could work," he whispered, pressing kisses along Kyungsoo’s cheekbone before landing on the spot beneath his ear. His lips brushed against the shell of Kyungsoo’s ear and he exhaled lightly. "Kissing you is all I ever seem to want to do."

[sinnermanlee]

actual cutest ♡

[sinnermanlee]

Kyungsoo - "Once I’m dead, I won’t even be able to remember you. So I’ll win, no matter what. I’ll live, no matter what!"

Kyungsoo didn’t like when the man talked that way—about death and how easily live could slip right between his fingers because there were so many people that wanted to watch it happen. He didn’t like it a single bit, but he understood why Minsoo thought that way on most days. But today he was pleasantly surprised by the fight he saw stirring up behind the elder’s inky black eyes as tears welled up in his own, arms coming to throw themselves around Minsoo’s middle in a way that suggested he didn’t want to let go. Ever. “Do I mean that much to you?” The wetness spilled over and left little spots on Minsoo’s shirt when he clamped his eyes shut. “I’ll be here waiting for you to come back to me, okay? Always, so please. Please always come back.”