skipitplease

[skipitplease]

I hate feeling this way. I feel anxious all the time. Someone comes and talks to me I start getting paranoid and my legs start to shiver for no fucking reason. I hate this feeling. I feel like heartbeat getting faster and faster and my hands trembling. I have no clue how to deal with all this. I dont like this feeling at all. My legs are so numb right now and time is going so fast in ny mind I feel so lost and so forgotten.

[skipitplease]

Been gone for sometime, ex was back duh.

Hate doing this. Hate fighting myself everyday every minute. I am again back to zero back to where it all caused the pain the hurt. I think I am gonna stop writing, but this is the only place I can be real anymore to be honest. This is the only place I feel I dont have to pretend shitt and be sad if I am sad. This is the only place where I feel nobody is watching me pour my heart out.

Tbh i am sacred now. I have been dealing with losts of shitt and I tried to avoid and get over it and litreally pulled me back again. All these months of healing and moving on went in vain. I am again starting to smell like him his presence is back and it is back stronger and going to cost me alot of therepy to start over. I hate doing this. I have been on pills for more than 2 months now. And I wanted to be off them and its not helping me anymore.

For while I get into to world and they give 1000 reasons why I was better off alone. Humans tbh disgust me. This feeling of having people around me scares me talking to someone gives me panic attacks. My mind has become void and filled with thoughts of him and its bad for me.

I dont even know why am I doing this. Why did I take someone back who hurt me to this point and I made mistakes I can never forget and i am pulled back all over again. I dont wanna do this again. I am getting all about him again. My heart is playing games I dont wanna participate in. And my mind is getting out of control and its beyond its imagination power.

Godmay take all of this away cz I want it gone so bad.

[skipitplease]

what the fuck am I doing life. I feel so confused at this point, I am doing everything I am not supposed to do. I was literally of on the verge of sorting my shit out and I got pulled back. I have this weird feeling, the constant heaviness and I am out there laughing and being happy and suddenly from no where when I am not talking to anyone I get sad and annoyed  just feel and I just feel angry  abt things. I hate to go through this feeling. yesterday I was talking to him and all I planned was to wish him and get over it. bullshit; I ended up talking him like old times and now I am back to square one Asshole! 

I am acting all cool and pretending to be a badass bitch and IDGAF type and I talk to him, share things and forget that all this means ZERO to him and its going to put me back to my shit. HATEEEEEEEEE THISSSSSSSS. SAVE ME PLEASE GODDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVEEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

[skipitplease]

Wtfffffffffffffffffff!!!!! Idk what to do.

[skipitplease]

Morning ya’ll

Hope everyone is doing good! I have a long day to go, keeping myself busy today!!!! yesterday was a horrible day, I couldn’t keep shit sorted. I am okay handling my mental shit but the physical pain istg its eating me up. My body doesn’t support me at all. I have been having major back pains, I cried my heart out at my workplace. Anyway today’s gonna be a good day. I am gonna get my shit together have an amazing day. 

[skipitplease]

we jumped the boat , we held our arms tight, the water dripping through your hair, mine floating endless; I thought to let you go, I choose to drown, without you. I choose to push you away from the misery. I put a smile on the face when I sink, saw you float, catch a breath. felt your finger tips for the last time. 

I saw you cry, while I drown. I felt contented to have the last breath of mine while you still love me. but I put you in misery for the rest of your life , to find peace within me however even heaven couldn't have me. 

[skipitplease]

Getting through life. Finding peace was never so difficult. But I am in love with the process of healing. And I love the fact that at this moment I am curling in my blanket and I feel silence within my heart. I no more feel the need to put myself to sleep just to avoid the void thoughts in my head.

I have come at peace with the guilt the regrets and the mistakes. They have become a scar on me and carry them all along. But I am still at peace cz it took a whole part of me to accept. I am okay with missing you someday I am okay watching your memories, they keep me going they keep giving me assurance, they let me know what I had was pure until it was impure. 🌊

[skipitplease]

" WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES, WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN REASONS. BELIEVE IT OR NOT WE DO THINGS WHICH WE DONT WANT TOO- CARRY THE HEAVY HEART AND FORGIVE YOURSELF"

[skipitplease]

The begnning<3

i have no idea where to begin but i will try to best to give it good start. 

but before i begin i just want to say, PLEASE DONT JUDGE ME ALREADY!